Must we have both the knowledge of good & evil???: May 2018

So Loved…

Often we consider a "loved one" as: a spouse, a parent, a special aunt or uncle, or a grandparent ---someone who naturally has had the most significant impact on our life.

But sometimes life is not naturally significant and we go to great lengths to make it so.

Sometimes we consider a "loved one" as being the first person that shows us that they care. That person can be a very nice person, but shouldn't become our whole life. Allowing another person to be our whole life may be deeply significant at the time, but it is also deeply fragile.

War is fragile also.

It is often thought of as nation against nation.

We see the images of war. Hooded captives crying out for freedom, later beheaded with the swift cruelty of a razor sharp sword.

The healthy perspective is when these images horrify us. The unhealthy, when it numbs us.

Death by any means may seem near impossible to deal with, but death as a result of war is often slated as more acceptable. When war is entered as a nation the words 'honor', 'bravery', 'sacrifice', and 'loyalty' come to mind.

But war doesn't begin with nations.

It begins with individuals.

And often we war against ourselves, holding onto our own grief, not willing to let reason enter. I'm talking about the war that ignites and often rages within oneself ---and the effect it has on each and every one of us ---which tragically is seldom fully realized.

These images can be just as horrifying. The individuals at war within themselves are not always easy to identify. Some insist that their pain be known, dragging others into their insane campaign. Others suffer within themselves with no interest in sharing the pain. They just want to end it all.

But there's one fact that neither of these individuals may realize.

It doesn't end.

Terrible scenes visit our television screens in the name of entertainment. And they often make light of the horrifying realities that do exist.

These realities may take place in another corner of the world and we may feel far removed from them, so we seek out to deny them by stating those insensitive words: "It will never happen to me."

I challenge you to ask yourself why that would be a more comforting reality.

Tired of watching the same old gloom and doom on the news? ---and reading it in the newspaper?

Tired of reading books that show the grim realities?

So am I, but I can't hide within an ivory tower.

All these people could be you.

All these people could be me.

Be thankful they are not.

But by the grace of God, I am what I am . . . (1 Corinthians 15:10).

We could say that plants desire to flourish. Within the animal kingdom, we could say that desires and emotions flourish beyond self-preservation and self-gratification into occasions of self-sacrifice.

Within humankind, new depths of emotions and desires are realized and expressed through written language, passed on from one generation to another in the form of dreams and aspirations. It is here that we find the pioneer . . . seemingly never content with the way things are, continually striving to explore and improve upon that which has already been improved upon.

Striving to fulfill that which has not been previously fulfilled, humankind has leaped from admiration to aspiration. Not just standing in awe of the eagle's flight, but to soaring beyond to new heightened dreams and ambitions. From admiring the mere majesty of it …to becoming it.

The 1900s, what we call the 20th century, has taken us beyond what anyone could hope to dream or aspire to. No century throughout history has achieved more revolutionary changes. Yet, in spite of tremendous progress, certain things resist change …some things progressing slowly, while other things not changing at all.

And some things just outright challenge progress, questioning whether the good outweighs the bad . . . and often debating the very definition of "good".

This story finds us at the middle of that spectacular 20th century, asking some of those very questions.

As I was preparing to write this book, I kept thinking of my own Dad and Mom.

They are "so loved".

I thank God for my parents and the life they dedicated to help build for me. Dad and Mom gave me everything they could in the way of emotional support . . . much of which came naturally by them supporting each other (with their love).

There was never any doubt that Dad and Mom would stay married. They were meant for each other.

And their love . . . well, I can't measure what it has done for me.

The characters in this book don't have the security and hope that I had, but some of them still manage to survive.

I don't know if I would have.

I'm thankful I was never put to that test.

This may not be the kind of book you want to read   … it's perhaps the kind of book you should.

   So Loved . . . (radically revised 2nd Edition)
Prologue:

Darkness confounds the subconscious.

A frightening silence, yet a sense of peacefulness.

Yes. Slight gusts of wind soothe the sense of mere existence, then disappear.

A momentary silence is interrupted this time by the faint sound of children singing.

Each child's song is slightly different, yet together blend into a harmony of innocence.

Too soon the song fades. Yet, another sound replaces it.

This sound builds in intensity.

It is the sound of children crying.

It penetrates the darkness.

Sadly though, it does not awaken our vision.

We are too thoroughly consumed by the darkness.

Faint flashes of light add perspective and hope.

For a moment, the crying ceases as another song is heard.

This time the song is not sung by a child, but for a child:

Believe not every spirit

But try the spirits

Whether they are of God.

….we are of God.

He that knoweth God heareth us.

Gaseous swirls and cloudy shadows dart across the emptiness.

God is love, for love is of God

And everyone that loveth is born of God

And knoweth God

….for God is love

We love Him because He first loved us.

. . . Stars begin to glimmer and our moving focus brings us to a distinguishable star mass.

The song continues:

God sent his only Son into the world That we might live through Him

Be ye therefore followers of God,

As dear children; and walk in love

As also Christ hath loved us.

Seemingly captured by a directive force, we begin to slowly spin toward the star mass.

And the light becomes more well-defined.

Listen to the words that Jesus taught us . . . .

Blessed are the poor in heart for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called ….the children of God.

Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake

….for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

ii.

We spin rapidly in what seems to be a tunnel of wind.

Absorbed within, the voice builds with intensity:

Love your enemies,

Bless them that curse you

Do good to them that hate you

And pray for them which despitefully use you ….and persecute you.

The spinning stops suddenly and our blurred vision is able to focus again . . . .

That you may be the children of your Father

Which is in Heaven . . . .

Rejoicing is followed by a return to silence, awaiting further testimony:

If God so loved us, we ought to love one another

If we love one another, God dwells in us

We dwell in Him and He in us

Because He hath given us of His Spirit

The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit

That we are children of God.

iii.

We are drawn closer to this immense region of Light.

Rejoice O young man in thy youth;

And let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth

And walk in the ways of thy heart.

O little children, let us not love in word,

Neither in tongue, but in deed and in truth.

And hereby we know that we are of the truth

And shall assure our hearts before Him.

Except ye be converted and become as little children,

Ye shall not enter into the Kingdom of Heaven.

And whoso shall receive one such little child

In Jesus' name shall receive Him.

iv.

Amongst blinding light, our every presence is about to be consumed . . . .

But whoso shall offend one of these little ones

Which believe in the Lord, It were better for him that . . . .

Leaping blazes of fire attack with explosive fury.

Met with blindness, only the Words bring sight to the present darkness:

As thou knowest not what is the way of the Spirit

Nor how the bones do grow in the womb

Of her that is with child: even so thou knoweth not

The works of God who maketh all.

In the morning sow thy seed

And in the evening withhold not thy hand; for thou knowest not

Whether shall prosper . . . .

A good Mom usually knows what it takes to be a good wife also.

And when it comes to her own son, she is keenly interested in who that wife for her son may one day be.

The first Book of the Bible describes much disbelief. In the case of Sarah, Abraham's wife, there came a point in time where a heavy burden of doubt arose concerning whether she would ever have a child.

Later comes an age where doubt becomes a well-established fact. Eventually for all women the realm of possibilities passes well on its way. Sarah waited much beyond what would be imagined as the upper range for an experience as blessed as this. But here she was, fulfilling what is beyond our furthest imagination.

Like most Moms, Sarah can be imagined to have experienced great joy in watching her son grow. There is so much emotion and anticipation, looking to the day a wife can be chosen for a son.

But Sarah did not live long enough to share in that moment. And when Sarah passed away, Abraham grieved. Abraham's thoughts were also with the only son whom Sarah had given him. Isaac was not yet married, yet Abraham felt it was time.

Abraham wanted his son's wife to come from his people, from a land far away, from the land he had come from. Abraham was quite old. Abraham did not wish to travel at this time, so he asked the favored servant whom he had put in charge of everything he had; to travel to the country of his birthplace to find a wife for Isaac.

The servant was a good servant. The servant prayed to God that he would know what to do. When he arrived in the country, he would ask for a drink and the woman who said she would draw water for his camels also, would be the woman he would return with, to be Isaac's wife. That appeared to be a rather straight-forward plan and that's precisely how it happened.

Rather easy, it seemed. But nearly four thousand years later, in a much different culture, for another Sarah, it would not be so easy. And it is this Sarah whose story we are to begin.

So without further delay: This is Sarah's story . . . . . . . .

Actually, this is a story about more than just one kind of mom. But this is mostly for all those moms who don't feel the accolades of praise for that special Sunday once a year called Mother's Day. When other women sit or stand in church on that day to be recognized for all that motherhood stands for: you feel a rising regret, a sadness, or perhaps a lingering depression. But rest assured, those of you who feel you fit into this category are not alone in understanding the gravity of circumstances that have driven you to this point.

If you feel you are not comforted by those who fill the seats around you, remember, it is not the foremost responsibility of others to fulfill your needs. The role of others is an extremely important role, yet their role is still secondary.

Primarily, you are to look to the One you are called to worship.

Perhaps some of you are about to become moms and society sends its cruel sting of: "Wait, you still have a choice!"

If that choice already rests within you, then don't by all means choose to worsen your already difficult circumstance: "By all means, be a mom!!"

Whatever your circumstances may be or may have been, if you are reading this, please continue to endure.

Others may also read this and help you endure; understanding and perhaps extending a bit more compassion, instead of hidden condemnation (and a chance to think before speaking for those who've been so bold as to be open about their criticism and judgment). . To all moms: You are "so loved". . . . .

Part One

ENTRY ONE

Several of Sarah's friends grew up in single parent homes . . . .most of them the child of a single mom. Sarah is the child of a single dad, with no recollection of Mom. Her time with Mom was brief. Mom died after suffering complications at Sarah's birth.

So Sarah's time with Mom (or more accurately, within Mom) was only nine months and three days. Those were nine months of not only intense pain, but intense dedication also.

Naturally, Sarah grew up being exposed to the things Dad showed interest in. As is common to man …that interest often limits itself almost entirely to sports.

Dad: "Are you ready for the big game?"

Sarah: "I'm never ready."

Dad: "I know, I know …you never wanted to get into cheerleading in the first place."

After a deep sigh, "I love you Sarah, but your old dad isn't going to be around for forever."

Sarah: "I know, so you wanted me to become a cheerleader so I could meet people. I suppose it's only right not to expect you to support me my whole life. How does that cheer you taught me go? Give me an 'M', give me an 'A', give me an 'N'. What does it spell? . . . .Trouble?"

Dad: "Do you think I was trouble for your Mom?"

Sarah: "No, I don't remember an occasion to think anything ...you never talk about Mom. Why is that?"

Dad: "Too painful."

Sarah: "Okay, I've always respected that ...so, if we don't talk about her, how about you just give me one word you'd use to describe her. One word for today, and for a week, each day a different word."

Dad: "Beautiful ---the most beautiful person in our entire high school ---almost as beautiful as you."

Sarah: "That was way more than a word ...that was actually a sentence, a compound sentence. Maybe by the end of the week, we will be able to talk about her ...and I'll be able to get a sense of who Mom actually was."

Dad (a tear in his eye): "Maybe."

Sarah: "I'm sure she was beautiful in many ways. Sometimes when a person is valued for their looks ...other things are overlooked."

Dad: "I didn't overlook all the other great things about her ...and she certainly could have overlooked me, but she didn't. You are a lot like your Mom, in many wonderful ways."

Sarah (seeing Dad is finding it difficult to talk): "Thanks, Dad. I can see how easily Mom saw how special you are."

Dad (returning to the first topic of conversation): "I really think we have a chance at the State Championship."

Sarah (thankful for what Dad had shared): "I think we do too. Our quarterback is real good."

Dad: "I wish you'd get over how good Brett is. There's not a single one in his whole family that ever amounted to much. You hook up with him and I'd have to support the both of ya."

Sarah: "Dad, you've always taught me not to judge people."

Dad: "I'm not judging, I'm teaching. Brett's whole family is just like your ol' dad. I want more for you than what I've been able to give you."

Sarah: "I'm proud of what you've given me. That's what our nation is built upon; people who believe in solid values and the dignity and pride that goes along with it."

Dad: "Sounds like a political speech. I hope you don't marry one of them politicians. They make good money, but I don't like them much. On second thought, much can be overlooked when you have money. Brett will never have money. He may get recruited by some college, but he'll never make the pros. Now take the one he's going up against, that Tressel boy; he comes from one of the wealthiest families. He'll never have to worry about getting recruited. He'll never have a worry in his life. I'd wish that kind of life for you."

Sarah: "So we're not the future 'Fortune 500' class; we're still playing for dignity and pride."

Dad: "That Tressel boy has a lot of pride too. His whole family does. No one can say he didn't earn that All-State honor."

ENTRY TWO

It is close, but no upset in the making. The game ends. And the favored team wins.

Richard Tressel, like a warrior just back from battle, looks about …to see whatever else can be conquered.

At halftime, he had asked the coach's son to find out what her name was. He was told her name was Sarah ...clearly the prettiest cheerleader on either team. A shallow standard to judge by, but when men are out conquering, the standard often holds.

Rich enjoys the game of football, but his main motivation for winning is a game he enjoys even more. Winning the football game makes this even easier. As the signal caller for his team, he is used to assessing what he is about to face, and quickly choosing his best course of action.

She is about to walk past the field maintenance shed ...and the door is open. Rich steps forward at just the right moment, causing her to stop ...to avoid colliding with him.

Rich smiles, "Sorry your team lost ...you were doing such a great job cheering them on."

Rich suddenly grabs her pom poms, and begins a cheer. He shakes them to the left ...then to the right ...then to the left again, "Go ...Go ...Go Team!!"

With that last shake, the pom poms slip from his hands ...traveling through the open door of the maintenance shed.

Sarah doesn't wait for any gentlemanly ways ...going to retrieve her own pom poms.

Sarah hears a creak behind her, and she looks back to see Rich standing there ...having just shut the door to the shed.

12

Rich is smiling.

Part of her feels she should be disturbed by this, but strangely, her mind replays how polite and sincere his voice seemed when he'd said he was sorry for her team's loss.

She finds herself smiling back.

Her smile is the good feeling of having someone of such prestige paying attention to her ...also a shallow standard, and often with rather precarious potential outcomes.

She had never in the past responded positively to any attention. She had always assertively said something to turn away any unwelcome advances ...and in her mind, all the advances had been unwelcome.

She couldn't quite understand why this would be different. It wasn't the words of her dad echoing in her head: "He'll never have a worry in his life. I'd wish that kind of life for you." She never really believed that money could buy happiness.

Sarah doesn't exactly know why ...he doesn't seem to represent anything she believes in, but at this moment, she somehow believes Rich likes her. And she somehow strangely likes him.

What that all means, she doesn't really think about. It seems he is calling the plays.

Sarah had never read the playbook, and at this moment he is not coming across as the opposing team. She feels she is no longer cheering. She is now in the game ...at this moment, his game!

At this moment she convinces herself that she wants to be won ---well, not exactly, but often it's hard to turn back even wrong emotions. Sarah has lots of years ahead of her to realize all this. And though some things are better learned sooner than later, seldom is this taught.

At this moment, it's not that the concept of 'reason' is unwelcome ...it is merely forgotten, and neglectfully not invited. When you believe you're in a dream, it's hard to reason whether it may turn into a nightmare.

The victorious warrior approaches. This battle is best fought by putting the armor aside ---helmet, shoulder pads, spiked shoes . . . . 13

   ENTRY THREE

Football season is over, but basketball season is in full swing. The teacher waits as her class turns their pages loudly. "I see some of you forgot to bring your American Poetry and Prose book. You will just have to listen while the rest read along with Walt Whitman, page four hundred and three, 'There Was a Child Went Forth', page four hundred and three."

Sarah hears the teacher read very distinctly. She dreams in segments along with the words.

The teacher reads slowly with much expression: "There was a child went forth every day, And the first object he look'd upon that object he became . . ."

Sarah imagines she has a child ---her and Rich's child. And their child seems fascinated with the basketball and pursues it.

"And that object became a part of him for the day or a certain part of the day, Or for many years or stretching cycles of years."

The child has grown and is now playing on a basketball team while Rich and Sarah look on, holding hands. Curiously enough, Rich and Sarah haven't changed any over the years.

14

"The early lilacs became part of this child . . . . "

Back to early childhood, Sarah walks with their son through the garden and they stop to smell the roses.

"And grass and white and red morning-glories, and white and red clover, and the song of the phoebe-bird . . . ."

Sarah points to a bird in a tree.

"And the Third-month lambs and the sow's pink-faint litter, and the mare's foal and the cow's calf . . . "

Sarah watches curiously as her son moves along the fence-line of their farm. They share excitement together as they watch the newborn calf stumble about, attempting to keep its balance as it views the world itself for the first time.

15

"And the noisy brood of the barnyard or by the mire of the pond-side, And the fish suspending themselves so curiously below there, and the beautiful curious liquid, And the water-plants with their graceful flat heads, all became part of him . . . ."

Rich and Sarah sit on the edge of a pier, their son on Rich's lap. Their pants are rolled up just above the knee as they watch the movement of tiny fish below, cautiously approaching their dangling feet. A fish jumps near the lily-pads a short distance away. A ring of tiny ripples moves outward. Then fading, the water stills.

"The field-sprouts of Fourth-month and Fifth-month became part of him, Winter-grain sprouts and those of the light-yellow corn, and the esculent roots of the garden, And the apple trees cover'd with blossoms and the fruit afterward, and wood-berries, and the commonest weeds by the road . . . "

Sarah and her son walk between rows of towering cornstalks, then cross a field of grain to the gravel road. There stands the commonest Brett.

16



"And the old drunkard staggering home from the outhouse of the tavern whence he had lately risen . . ."

Sarah and Brett have several children. Sarah is home alone as Brett is out late again. Sarah tucks the children in bed and bids them good-night.

"And the schoolmistress that pass'd on her way to the school, And the friendly boys that pass'd, and the quarrelsome boys, And the tidy and fresh-cheek'd girls, and the barefoot black boy and girl . . . ."

Brett and Sarah's son is dropped off at school. As he walks backwards, waving to his parents, some boys trip him and he falls to the dusty ground. Brett stops Sarah's hand as she reaches for the car door. Brett wants their son to be able to cope on his own. Tidy, well-groomed girls giggle, covering their mouths with their hands. Rushing forward, a barefoot girl helps their son up and brushes off his clothes.

17

"And all the changes of city and country wherever he went. His own parents, he that had father'd him and she that had conceiv'd him in her womb and birth'd him, They gave this child more of themselves than that, They gave him afterward every day, they became part of him . . ."

Brett and Sarah travel down an old country road. Their aging home is at the end where the road narrows.

"The mother at home quietly placing the dishes on the supper-table, The mother with mild words, clean cap and gown, a wholesome odor falling off her person and clothes as she walks by . . . ."

Sarah is in an evening gown. She sets the table for a candlelight dinner. Brett is wearing old worn jeans, and a greasy unwashed shirt. He smiles, breathing deep satisfaction as she brings his prepared meal.

18

"The father, strong, self-sufficient, manly, mean, anger'd, unjust . . ."

Brett is arguing because his meal is cold. The children have all just fallen asleep. The shouting mixes with their dreams ---or nightmares.

"The blow, the quick loud word, the tight bargain, the crafty lure . . ."

Brett, Sarah, and their nine children crowd into the servant's quarters at the Tressel estate. Sarah gazes outward through a cracked smudged window.

"The family usages, the language, the company, the furniture, the yearning and swelling heart, Affection that will not be gainsay'd, the sense of what is real . . ."

Sarah suddenly opens her eyes wide and stares for a moment at the teacher, who continues to read:

"The thought if after all it should prove unreal . . ."

Sarah glances back out the window to a tree. She then dreams about the tree in their back yard. It is a tree that she and dad had planted when she was just a child. Dad steps out from behind the family tree. Brett approaches with his child. Dad takes his grandchild from Brett. Brett offers no resistance. They are both grateful. Richard Tressel drives up. Dad hands the child to Rich and he drives off.

"The doubts of day-time and the doubts of night-time, the curious whether and how . . ."

The teacher's voice becomes fainter and fainter.

"Whether that which appears so is so, or is it all flashes and specks?"

Sarah's vision becomes a blank image of screened light, as if through her eyelids. It becomes dark for a moment, then blotches of light become as specks. The television is on as Sarah arrives home. Her dad is watching golf. How is she ever going to tell Dad?

ENTRY FOUR

Bells. Church bells, wedding bells, . . . the hopes and dreams of the pure and innocent. Bells also signal the beginning of a fight, . . . the dashed innocence. But this bell is a school bell, . . . an intrusion upon the great art of daydreaming.

Sarah sits with her head in her hands. Her fingertips press against her temples. She pushes her hair back, combing her fingertips through her blonde hair. She has heard too many bells today. The tardy bell, the second hour bell, the third hour bell, the lunch bell, the fourth hour bell, and now the dismissal bell. This last bell is usually a welcome bell, but today she plans to tell Dad.

Sarah is not in a hurry to go home. But she must get home. Dad will worry if she's not on time.

ENTRY FIVE

Dad: "I can't believe it! How could you! It's Brett, isn't it? You're trying to protect him. Of all people, why Brett?!!"

Sarah: "It's not Brett, Dad. Can't we just talk about this without getting so upset?"

Dad: "Without getting so upset!?!"

Sarah: "Dad, it's Richard Tressel."

Sarah looks at her dad, who has suddenly become silent. Did he believe her? Why doesn't he say anything?

Dad (speaking with quiet reasoning): "The Tressel family is a family of honor. They will do right by this."

ENTRY SIX

It had been a long day. Every day this week had been a long day. But today had been particularly exhausting.

Sarah's dad kisses her good night, then ruffles her hair. It had been years since he'd done that. But it feels good! She is still his little girl.

But it's not the good that fills Sarah's head. She can not sleep. She hugs her pillow and cries softly. The Tressel Family hadn't seemed surprised, but quite the opposite. Disturbingly, they seemed to have been accustomed to this sort of thing. And they very politely had offered their advice.

Sarah had made a mistake, but it wasn't her mistake alone. It made her angry. Why was the burden of responsibility solely on her shoulders?

That same anger had driven so many from 'Pro-life' to 'Pro-choice'. But Sarah was not going to allow that transfer of anger to prevent her from doing what she knew was right.

"Why, why, why ---do we women get so sucked into this?" Sarah screams out silently in her mind.

Sarah does not want to burden dad with any more of her emotions. She attempts to rationalize it in her mind. When it comes to the attraction between men and women, the movie industry helps glamorize it so much so ---that we think they are the authority on the way it should be.

Sarah imagines the standard date:

Man: "I'm going to take you out for dinner and a movie, then we'll go to my place."

Man (a different perspective): "It's a new restaurant. The food is excellent, but it's poisonous, so we'll have to go to the hospital afterwards to get your stomach pumped. But that will only take a few hours. We'll have time to catch a late movie. There's a great thriller that just came out. You'll have nightmares for weeks. Then we can go to my place afterwards. But don't worry, I have everything covered. In the next week or two, I'll drive you to the abortion clinic."

To Sarah, this is the nightmare. She won't make the bigger mistake.

Abortion is not an option. In spite of her mistake, she'll do the right thing now. And God will give little Stephen a blessing . . . Stephanie, if it's a girl.

When lives find themselves directed by impulsive notions ...there is difficulty enough. But, when pressure is dictated by contrary values and biases, life becomes a somewhat more diminishing hope.

Rich had never seen his parents so upset.

Rich's dad demands, "You can't marry her!"

Rich has been through this before, but he somehow feels he has changed, "She is carrying our child!"

Mom chimes in, "That didn't seem to bother you before! It seemed your goal in high school was to pull this stunt every year ...and it's always a cheerleader. It cost us several million dollars to keep them and their families quiet."

Rich insists, "But, I like Sarah."

Mom protests, "Didn't you like the others ...or were you just trying to drive us crazy? And what is so likeable about Sarah?"

Rich firmly makes the point, "I like the fact that she wouldn't let you pay her off. And I think she actually likes me. I need someone like that."

Dad's anger has not diminished, "You need someone who is not going to embarrass the family."

Rich feels the sting, "That's your perspective. Maybe you and Mom should try for another child."

Mom's response only makes Rich think that having another son besides him may have been a silent wish, "You know we are getting too old."

Rich wishes not to discuss it any longer, "So is this conversation."

25

          ENTRY SEVEN

Sarah had felt she was born into a life that many feel there is no escape from ---a simple life. She would have been content with it, had she not been taught not to be. Her dad's philosophy was: "If you want to have the same life as me, then do nothing ---it will inevitably come to you. We seem to be trapped within ourselves. Just like a black hole sucks within itself everything in that part of the universe; that vacuum of nothingness within us sucks our very being out of us. Nothing is more powerful than nothing. That nothingness is our attitude towards life; self-defeating and without hope or aspirations. But if you want a different kind of life, you have to do something about it."

The something Sarah had done through seeking to control her own life, was now controlling her even more. Why had she wanted the change? Why does anyone?

Life with Dad had been the best. All the things he said he'd regretted not being able to give her, she now had. But she now regretted she could no longer have that which she had always had.

Sarah was losing her hopeful perspective, and she looks to her husband for the emotional support she needs, "Why did you marry me?"

To Rich, the answer is simple, "Because you were beautiful."

Sarah is hurt by the 'were' designation, "That's it!?!"

Rich admits, "No, I admired you."

Sarah can't stand it, "Admired? That sounds like past tense."

Rich doesn't rethink his statement, "I admired the way you stood up to my parents ...no one has ever done that before."

Sarah is not encouraged, "So, you admired me because one time I stood up to your parents ...that I could not be bought?"

Rich affirms, "Everyone else had a price ...you did not."

Sarah does not feel affirmed, "Okay ...but it's still the past tense. I had one child ...now ready to have another. I'm not as pretty ...only kind of pretty fat. And the question is, what is it that you like about me today?"

Rich rests a gentle hand on her stomach, "I like that you may be giving me another son."

Sarah feels herself about to cry, "Giving you ...not us?

Rich dismisses the semantics, "Of course, us ...that stands to reason."

Sarah questions, "And if it's a girl ....are you going to have a breakdown?"

Sarah realizes that she may have overspoken, and it is perhaps she who is having a bit of breakdown. She only has a suspicion that there may be another girl in Rich's life. She didn't want to believe it ...but, as she gains more weight with her pregnancy, her suspicions also gain more weight.

It's like a play. There are roles she has to act out. The role of wife, she increasingly does not like. Her role as Mom, she loves. Sometimes the stage is set, and you have to rise to the occasion each time ---always for one more performance. Sometimes the play continues, performance after performance. Sometimes not. And sometimes you get replaced ---someone else gets your role.

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                                                                                                                                                                                        Part Two

ENTRY ONE

Early autumn, nearly nine years later, Stephen attends the fourth grade of a Catholic school in Bellevue. He dresses for school in black pants and shoes, a white shirt, and a bow tie.

Stephen is of fair complexion with brown hair and dark eyes. He is of medium height, yet slightly chubby and walks rather awkwardly, in a pigeon-toed style.

Presently, Stephen is in a classroom with other boys and girls seated in a semi-circle. A nun stands in front of them with a book in her hand, the chalkboard behind her.

The nun reads aloud: "For your Heavenly Father knows that you need these things. Seek first to obey Him and be His children."

The nun looks up at the wall clock, "Okay, it's almost lunch time. Remember, wash up before joining the others in the cafeteria! After you eat you can go to the playground, but remember to pay attention to the bell!"

All the children file into the bathroom to wash up. Stephen peeks out of one of the stalls to see that everyone is gone before he washes his hands, and cautiously slips into the hallway. Children are heard in the dining room. The hallway is clear. The drinking fountain is near the corner. Stephen gets a drink, glances once more, then slips out of the building.

He is surprisingly quick for someone who walks with such an awkward style. He runs down the street, and over a sidewalk bridge, not stopping until he reaches the corner Burger Blast.

27



Stephen gets an order of French fries and a burger, then hurries down the side street with his lunch in his hand. He crosses another sidewalk bridge, cutting across a public schoolyard.

Children are beginning to enter the playground for recess. One cute, well-dressed girl breaks off from a group of other girls and approaches Stephen. "Hi, my name's Tara. Why are you dressed like that?"

"It's the dress code at the parochial school I go to."

"What's a code? Oh, never mind. What's your name?"

"My name is Stephen."

Several boys approach unnoticed from the side; a look of proud confidence distinguishing their leader. "You get outta here! This is our playground!"

Tara smiles, "He goes to a Pinocchio school, Alex."

Alexander laughs, "Is that where you get a big nose? I'll give him a big fat bloody one! "

Tara inquires, "What's in the bag?"

Stephen hands it to her, "Here, you can have it."

Alexander pokes Stephen on the chest, "I'm Alexander the Great! Next time you better bring enough food for all of us! And just to be certain you do, let this be a reminder."

Alexander shoves Stephen backward over another boy kneeling on all fours behind Stephen; then he grabs Tara and puts his arm around her.

Stephen gets up and dusts his clothes with a couple brushes of his hand. They all laugh as he walks on.

A sensitive little girl runs up to him and thoughtfully hands him an apple. "They were mean to you!"

28

"They don't know any better ---but thanks for caring. And thanks for the apple. I have to hurry …but I hope I see you again."

He takes a few quick steps, before turning back around. "Jesus loves you."

The thoughtful little girl smiles, "I love you too!"

Stephen passes through a break in the schoolyard fence and runs down the street to the hospital. He walks inside where the Doctors and nurses are busy about their work. One nurse exclaims, "Children are not allowed to visit in the hospital, young man!"

Stephen holds up a card, "I have a special pass to visit my mom."

A Doctor overhears the conversation, "It's okay, he can visit a few minutes." A second nurse asks, "Isn't that the Tressel boy?"

Stephen doesn't hear their conversation. He is too focused on what the Nun had said earlier: Nun: "We are going to make some cloth necklaces today. I have a box of tags that read: 'We love God because He first loved us. We should also love one another.' I'm going to hand out three tags to each of you. You have pens and markers. You can draw some little symbol on the back side. I made a cross on each of mine. You can make them the same or different. Then when you get done, bring them to me so I can laminate the tags and show you how to affix them to the cloth necklaces."

29


   Stephen takes much care in making all three tags the same. He selects two shades of purple to draw a flower and green to draw a heart-shaped leaf. Nun: "You can keep one for yourself, but I want you to give the other two to someone you love, like your mom and dad. Or a brother or sister ---or grandpa and grandma."

Stephen unbuttons the top button of his shirt, looking at the three around his neck as he enters the hospital room. He takes one off and gently wraps it around his mom's wrist and through her fingers, resting the tag in the palm of her hand.

Stephen leans over and kisses his mom on the forehead, "I love you, Mom!"

The Doctor sticks his head in the doorway, "You'd better hurry, or you'll be late getting back to school."

Stephen begins to run once he gets outside the hospital. As he reaches the public school playground, Stephen slows to catch his breath. He sees that same thoughtful little girl at the edge of the playground where they had parted.

The thoughtful little girl asks, "Where did you go?"

30

Stephen turns his head to the side, "I'd like to tell you all about it, but my school bell is ringing."

"I don't hear anything."

"Listen carefully."

The faint ring of a bell is heard.

"Meet me here tomorrow at this break in the fence?"

"I'd like that. By the way, my name is Stephen."

"Thank you for being my friend."

"Thank you for being mine."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Stephen. I don't think I told you my name. My name is Ruth."

ENTRY TWO That same day at school dismissal time, children are leaving the school …and getting on buses and into cars.

Stephen boards a bus, trying to relax into his seat. He will be the very last stop. It does not seem long for Stephen though. He spends the entire time thinking of Mom, and the thoughtful little Ruth.

No one greets Stephen as he gets off the bus. As he enters his house, Jaimie, an immodestly-dressed lady with young attractive features, is making dinner. She quickly looks up as Stephen enters, and spills grease on her clothes. "A-h-h!"

Stephen blots out Jaimie's outburst of ranting and raving as he focuses on a baby's cry in another room. "What's the matter, Aleah? . . . Oh, no wonder!"

Stephen crinkles his nose. "Now, where does the babysitter keep the diapers?"

As Stephen changes the diaper, he hears the bathroom shower. He disposes of the diaper, then takes one cloth necklace of the remaining two from around his neck. Stephen does not put the necklace around Aleah's neck as it may be a choking hazard. He instead puts it around Aleah's waist, fastening it secure to the front of the diaper.

Stephen kisses Aleah on the forehead, then sings: "I love you, sweet Aleah. I love you, sweet Aleah."

Stephen is busy singing to Aleah and doesn't notice Jaimie standing in the doorway with a towel wrapped around her, "Stephen, could you get the stroller out for me? I want to take Aleah around the block."

32

Jaimie doesn't wait for an answer, dashing around the corner in her wet towel.

Stephen proceeds to dress Aleah with a clean dress and hat.

As Stephen finishes, Jaimie appears back in the doorway. She is dressed in tight shorts and a sleeveless top, "Could you do me a favor, Stephen? Could you finish dinner for me? Remember that recipe that your dad couldn't believe you made all by yourself? Well, fix that again. He'll be home soon. And thanks again. Watching that Cooking Channel, you've become quite the Master Chef."

Stephen walks to the cupboard to get some spices as Jaimie can be heard in the other room, "Come on, Aleah, let's take a stroll."

Stephen has dinner just about ready in no time at all, when he hears the front door, and a calling out, "Jaimie?"

Stephen calls out, "Hi Dad."

Rich walks into the kitchen, "Point those toes outward! Have you been wearing those corrective shoes when you sleep, like I told you?"

"Yes, Dad."

"Well, they don't seem to be working too well. And by the way, things don't seem to be working too well for your mom either. I hear there's a Doctor in Spokane that might be able to do something. I'm thinking of transferring her there. We won't be able to visit as much, but we have to consider what is best for her."

"I know it's most important that she gets better."

"Where's Jaimie?"

"She took Aleah for a stroll around the block."

33

Rich steps out on the porch to look about. In the neighbor's yard, a dog is digging in the flowers. Suddenly, Jaimie strolls around the corner.

Rich meets her on the sidewalk in front of the house. "I talked with Stephen and convinced him it was best. All I have to do is sign the papers for the transfer and it's a done deal. Come on, you can come with me."

Jaimie follows Rich to the kitchen. "Stephen, I have to go to the bank so I can pay Jaimie. We'll be back in a few minutes; you can set the table."

"Okay, Dad."

As Rich and Jaimie leave through the kitchen door leading to the garage, Stephen looks out the door window, seeing that they are not loading Aleah in the car with them. Stephen calls into the other room, "How was your stroll, Aleah?"

Stephen walks through the living room to the bedroom, whispering, "Oh, you're taking a nap. I won't wake you then. I'll just blow you a little kiss."

Aleah is not in her crib. Stephen hurries to the other side of the living room to the front door. He looks out just as a dog jumps on the stroller, shoving it from the sidewalk to the driveway.

Stephen whips the front door open, hollering, "No!"

He doesn't break stride, but has to run around the long thick hedge bordering the driveway. He can hear the car radio blasting as he attempts to out-shout it, "Stop!"

As Stephen rounds the hedge, the dog had the stroller on its side and its teeth pulling Aleah out of the stroller.

The dog runs as the car is backing down the driveway.

Still in full stride, Stephen reaches to pick up Aleah, but the car strikes the stroller which in turn clips Stephen's feet from under him.

Stephen's left arm and Aleah get caught under the stroller as the car scrapes it down the driveway.

35

ENTRY THREE

Mid-week, a few days after the accident, Rich gets a call over the phone from George Olitz: "I have papers here that state you've transferred your wife to Spokane."

"Yes, last week."

"Why didn't you check with legal counsel? Your dad never makes a decision without first checking with legal counsel."

"This isn't a business matter, this is my wife."

"When your name is Tressel, everything is a legal matter. Did you have this Doctor checked out?"

"No, but he couldn't be any worse than the other Doctors; she wasn't getting any better."

"And she probably won't. They can draw this out for a long time. No need for any other clients when they have you. I'm catching the first flight to Seattle. We can travel to Spokane together."

Rich calls Jaimie as soon as he gets off the phone with George. He then joins Stephen. Stephen had been waiting a long time at the dinner table alone. Stephen's left arm is in a sling and he has a bandage over his right eyelid and on the middle of his forehead. "Stephen, you have to get your mind off what happened. I think its time you get back to school. And I've also been away from the office too long."

They both sit in silence for the next couple minutes. Rich stares over at his son, picking at his food. "Stephen, I have to travel on business for a couple days. And I asked Jaimie to manage things around here while I'm gone."

36

Rich turns on the television, then immediately leaves to go to the den, where he phones his parents.

Stephen clears the table with only the use of his right arm. He then washes the dishes. Upon finishing, he enters the living room. The television is on. The door to the den is shut. Stephen can hear talking on the other side of the door. Dad must be on the phone.

Stephen cries.

Rich eventually appears in the doorway, "You'd better get to bed now. I have to leave early in the morning, so I'll see you in a couple days."

Stephen looks up with sad eyes, "Bye, Dad."

Stephen goes to the bedroom and puts his pajamas on, then goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He hesitates before going back to his bedroom. He looks to the nursery. The tears return where they had barely dried. Stephen reaches for a picture on the dresser. He looks at it for a couple seconds, then places it face down in the drawer.

"Teddy Bear" is sitting in his usual spot in the crib. Aleah's cloth necklace is around Teddy Bear's neck. Stephen reaches for the necklace and clutches it ...shedding more tears.
Stephen returns back to his own bedroom, turns off the light, and kneels to pray at his bedside.

Rich walks from the den to the hallway. He notices that Stephen's bedroom light is off. He returns to the den and dials the phone. He paces back and forth impatiently, then speaks into the phone, "You can come over now. Stephen is in bed . . . and we need to talk."

Stephen is still kneeling beside his bed. The moon casts light in through the window as a cloud unveils it. Stephen prays for a bit longer, then crawls into bed. The sound of a car is heard outside.

Rich meets Jamie at the door with a kiss. Jaimie draws back a bit, "How'd he take it?"

"I didn't tell him. He's still not over the other. We don't talk much."

"I just think this is a bad time to leave. Why can't your parents take care of it?"

"My parents are in Europe for a huge business conference. Besides, it's time I grow up. My parents do everything for me. One day I will be expected to take over, and I might as well start by taking responsibility now."

"I suppose you're right."

Rich doesn't hesitate, "Of course I'm right."

ENTRY FOUR The following day lunch time, a ray of light streams through the crack in the bathroom stall. Leaning forward, it appears that Stephen is all alone. He readjusts his arm in his sling, then slips down the hallway to the exit.

As he reaches the street, he begins to think back over the course of this past year. Stephen reflects back to a couple of weeks before Aleah was born. Mom had been in pain for quite some time, but is never one to show it. He recalls Mom's smile and comforting words, "I'm going to have a baby soon. You will have a brother or a sister. I just pray that the baby within me is as sweet as you." She kisses Stephen on the top of his head as he hugs her.

That is the moment Stephen still clings to. It had been Mom's last conversation with him. Stephen cries inwardly, the deep longing to visit his mom. But Dad had transferred her to Spokane.

Stephen nears the public school playground area where he had last parted with that sweet little girl named Ruth. Stephen recalls how he had told Ruth he'd meet her at the break in the fence. That was a couple weeks ago. But as he glances across the playground, he sees someone over by the break in the fence. Stephen approaches with eager anticipation. He hopes it is her. "Ruth?"

Ruth turns around, and generates an expression of deepest sympathy, "Oh!"

"Sorry I made you wait so long."

"Oh! Did those boys do that to you?"

"No, I was in a car accident."

Stephen and Ruth walk along the fence as they talk to one another.

They find a tree, and sit beneath it, Ruth on Stephen's right.

   ENTRY FIVE

Nothing is right at Spokane. George tells Rich he'll do the talking. George asks to talk with Doctor Galen.

The receptionist, Wanda, is very apologetic, "I'm sorry, the doctor did not come in today."

George shows no politeness, "What do you mean, the Doctor did not come in today! With the kind of money we're paying!"

Wanda remains calm and apologetic, "I'm sorry, this has been a bad week."

George shows an intolerance for incompetence, "It's about to get worse!"

Wanda hands a clasp envelope to Rich, "I'm sorry, I've been trying to call you all morning, Mr. Tressel, but you were obviously on your way here."

Rich opens the envelope. He pulls out a cloth necklace and tosses it on the desk in front of Wanda, "What's this all about?"

Wanda sighs, "I don't know quite how to tell you this, but your wife died around ten o'clock this morning. Our other client died yesterday. That's the second death we've had in as many days. That's why I said it's been a bad week. Doctor Galen has been working tirelessly. He was so very upset he was not able to save either one of them. But since there was nothing further to do now, he went home to get some rest."

Rich asks bluntly, "May I see where my wife is resting?"

41

Wanda shows Rich and George the room, then returns to her receptionist desk.

Rich and George return quickly, Rich reporting, "That's not my wife!"

Wanda is suddenly not calm. She gets a horrible expression on her face as she makes the call. "Hi, this is Wanda; we asked for you to pick up a body yesterday morning."

Wanda pauses as she listens, "Oh!"

There is a longer pause, "No, that's all I need to know."

Wanda hangs up the phone and looks up at Rich with a horrific look on her face, "I'm …this is unforgivable! There's been a terrible mix-up. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. The son and daughter of our other client came in yesterday to view their mom before they had us send her out for cremation. I was just told the process is completed, and the family is scheduled to pick up the ashes on Wednesday next week. It was their mom's wish for her ashes to be spread out over the Puget Sound. But the driver must have picked up your wife by mistake. I can't imagine how you must feel!"

George is furious, "You can imagine you are about to have more trouble than you can imagine!" George absent-mindedly grabs the cloth necklace off the desk and pockets it, preparing to leave.

42

Rich is surprisingly relaxed, "Let's not be harsh. Mistakes do happen. The fact is, that woman's body out there is not my wife's. Most likely it was my wife who was cremated. And since that son and daughter will be returning later this afternoon, I'd hate to think they wouldn't be able to carry out their mom's wish. So, I believe the only reasonable thing to do is to have this other body cremated. Then they can have their mom's ashes and I can have my wife's and there is no harm done. Actually, I think spreading her ashes over Seattle is a wonderful idea. I may even join this son and daughter. We can fly over the bay together."

George congratulates Rich on how well he is handling this. In fact, perhaps Rich is growing up and ready to make decisions in the business world after all.

43

ENTRY SIX

Stephen's arm is still in a sling. He has his daily routine on weekdays. And as autumn finds its way, Stephen walks with Ruth through the fallen leaves.

As winter approaches, Stephen's arm is no longer in a sling. He slips out of the bathroom and around the corner to the clothes area. He puts on his boots and coat. He covers his ears with his tasseled cap.

Stephen meets Ruth at the break in the fence as usual. Ruth is wearing a heavy down jacket with a long hood extending out over her head, creating a sheltered tunnel to her face, which is barely present, it seems.

Stephen reaches for one of the two necklaces around his neck. "I want to give you something. It says: We love God because He first loved us; we should also love one another. . . . Here, Ruth, this one is for you."

Stephen drapes the cloth necklace over Ruth's large hood. "I love you, Ruth."

Ruth hugs Stephen. She is about the same height as him when she stretches on the top of her toes. Her hood also encircles his face as she hugs him. Moving her face forward, she gently kisses him.

Stephen barely makes it back on time, but does manage to be restfully sitting as the nun enters the classroom. But, she is holding a coat in one hand and a dripping wet pair of boots in the other. "Who do these belong to?"

Stephen slowly raises his hand, "I believe they're mine."

44

ENTRY SEVEN

The following day Stephen is eating in the school cafeteria for lunch hour. Noisy children congest the area near where Stephen is sitting. Stephen eats slowly, preoccupied with his thoughts and not really interested in eating. The jabbering children reach a near-deafening noise level.

Stephen crushes his milk carton. As the children around him finish and fail to clean their area, Stephen cleans it for them and takes their empty milk cartons, crushing them also. He stuffs a couple crushed cartons into a third, then retrieves a long yellow ribbon out of his pocket. He had prepared and planned out most of it the night before, including the typed note in his other pocket. He uses his pencil to poke holes in the milk carton, then threads the yellow ribbon through it, also attaching the note. He then puts it in his coat pocket for later.

There has been no bus ride that Stephen has been more eager to be on. He had fallen asleep the night before dreaming about it. He had thought out everything, including the speed of the bus, draft, wind current, trajectory, and the drag from the ribbon.

45

Stephen is usually one of the last ones on the bus, but he is sure not to be this day. He needs a window seat.

The bus travels each day past Ruth's school, and he is ready. Stephen looks ahead. The edge of the playground is nearing. Stephen opens up the window. He didn't want to do it too soon ---because if the bus driver caught him, he might be asked to close it.

Stephen quickly hook-shots the milk carton bundle up over the bus, allowing the speed of the bus and the air current traveling above it to work to his benefit. As the carton sails up into the wind, the yellow ribbon unravels, and the carton soars to the area of the break in the fence with the ribbon streaming behind. Stephen looks back as the carton just clears the fence, and the ribbon catches the very top of the fence.

To his surprise, most everyone on the bus begins to cheer. And even the bus driver comments, "Good shot!"

46

The next day, on the bus drive to school, Stephen smiles with satisfaction upon seeing the yellow ribbon still boldly hanging from the fence. He would have preferred to launch his note to Ruth on the way to school, but the bus travels on the other side of the road in the morning. But Stephen's plan is working. The ribbon is still there, and Ruth will most likely see it at lunch time.

The wind gradually increases outside throughout the morning and the snow begins to drift. The yellow ribbon clings desperately to the fence with the carton resting just to the ground. But as snow drifts near the fence, it gradually covers the carton and note, concealing them.

Lunch hour arrives. Ruth gets bundled up in her hooded jacket and wanders to that far isolated corner of the frozen playground. She wanders back and forth as if waiting for someone.

Ruth thinks nothing of the yellow ribbon, other than its use for relieving some anxious energy by kicking at the crystallized surface where the ribbon goes into the frozen blanket of drifting snow. With persistent kicks of her boot, she eventually frees the milk carton from its frozen habitation.

Ruth holds the carton in her mitten's grasp as she sees the folded paper with her name on it.

She unfolds the note and reads: 'Hi, Ruth, I got caught leaving school during lunch hour. I know it was wrong to sneak out, and I won't be doing it again. But I don't know how I can see you now. I miss you very much. Love, Stephen.'

47

During lunch hour each day at school, Ruth wanders to that corner of the playground in anticipation of another note.

And each time, a new band of yellow ribbon is found somewhere near the break in the fence.

48

ENTRY EIGHT

A typical weekend in mid-Spring, Rich, Jaimie, and Stephen eat a late dinner. Conversation is still near nonexistent. Rich breaks the silence, "Stephen . . . . Jaimie and I want to throw you a birthday party next weekend. You can invite some of your friends from school."

Jaimie chimes in, "I'm ordering a huge cake, so don't hold back. You can invite as many as you want."

On a typical lunch hour at school, Tuesday afternoon, Ruth wanders out to the far corner of the playground. She quickly retrieves the note and reads it. She puts it in her pocket, quite eager to get home today.

Upon arriving home, Ruth shows her mom the note, and cannot contain her excitement, "Can I go Mom? . . .Can I, can I?"

An equal mood of excitement builds for Stephen as the week draws to an end. Finally, Saturday is here, and the Tressel residence awaits the decorated hour.

Rich looks at his watch, "I hope you're not disappointed. If you only invited one family, that really increases the chance of no one showing up."

Jaimie tries to encourage, "The parents said they were definitely showing up."

Just then a car pulls into their driveway, to which Rich comments, "Let the party begin!"

49

After all the standard and proper cordial greetings, Roy and Genny Razohn usher their daughter forward with a helping hand.

Overcoming her shyness, Ruth hands Stephen a present, and kisses him on the cheek, "Happy birthday, Stephen!"

Rich jokes, "There's a present he didn't even have to unwrap."

Rich kisses Jaimie.

Stephen unwraps the present, and his face lights up, delighted to find a roll of yellow ribbon.

Genny adds, "You know about that, don't you?"

Jaimie smiles, "No, Stephen must have been keeping a secret romance here." Too late, she wishes she hadn't said that.

Rich offers, "Why don't you come inside and we can become more acquainted. And have some cake."

The next couple hours go too fast for Stephen.

For Rich and Jaimie, the evening had seemed to drag on. Finally, with the guests gone, Rich and Jaimie sit on the sofa together, fully exhausted amongst all the party remnants, evidence of what had taken place. Jaimie leans her head against Rich's chest, "Stephen really looked happy. Are you going to let him go on that picnic with them next weekend?"

Rich kisses her on the top of the head, "Why not, it'll give us some more time alone."

Jaimie tilts her head, gazing up, "What's this about your first wife dying, and we're engaged to be married?"

Rich kisses her again, "It's obvious that we have some sort of relationship. What was I going to tell them?"

Jaimie sighs, "I wish I had decided not to come."

50



Rich counters, "But I wanted you here."

Jaimie takes a deep breath, "I know, but what if they mention it next weekend."

Rich reassures, "They won't."

Jaimie kisses Rich, "I wouldn't be so sure. Sometimes I think you're crazy."

Rich puts his arm around Jaimie, "I'm crazy about you!"

51

ENTRY NINE

The following weekend is a cloudless beginning, picture perfect picnic day. The area spreads out over a field with a dry creek ravine at the far end. Mrs. Razohn carries the water jug. Mr. Razohn carries the cooler, as Stephen leads the way towards the ravine.

Mr. Razohn hollers ahead, "Whoa! How far are you going to make me carry this cooler?"

He puts the cooler down on the first picnic table he comes to. Roy suggests to his wife, "How about we offer to watch Stephen when Rich and Jaimie go on their honeymoon?"

Genny whispers, "They haven't even set a wedding date yet and here you go. You never showed any interest in any of my friends; why are you suddenly so interested in our daughter's. Oh, never mind! Really, I do know why. You're easy to figure out. Everything lately is strictly business with you."

Suddenly, a wind comes up. Mr. Razohn is sure to point it out, "That's strange! There was no wind before. I should have followed you in the first place, Stephen. Let's go to the ravine where it's more sheltered."

52

ENTRY TEN

Later that evening, Rich and Jaimie sit quietly in front of the television, habitually pecking at the profuse selection of snack foods in front of them.

Stephen is in the bathroom brushing his teeth in preparation for bed. Rich calls out, "You haven't said a word this evening. Didn't you have a good afternoon? I thought there would still be romance in the air."

Stephen responds out-of-character with a slight bit of boldness, "Mr. Razohn talked as if there was still enough romance to go around . . . is it true, Dad?"

Jaimie chokes out her words, "Excuse me", as she leaves the room.

Stephen is already beginning to cry.

Rich runs his hand through his hair, "I didn't want to tell you before because there was so much going on with your accident and all. So I kept telling you that mom's condition was the same, which it was, but that condition was . . . . she died shortly after she was admitted to that hospital in Spokane. You had just lost your sister and you were about to lose your mom. That's the trip I took. I was taking care of your mom. She always said she wanted her ashes spread out over Seattle. So, that's what I did."

Stephen continues to cry his quiet tears, but listens as his dad continues, "I needed someone to reach out to, just like you did. You found a friend in Ruth during these difficult times. I reached out to Jaimie. Is that so difficult to understand?"

53

Stephen cannot speak. Instead he shakes his head, no.

Rich gets up and gives Stephen a hug and sends him to bed. It had been the first hug he had given him since the last big guilty moment . . . .the car accident with Stephen and his baby sister.

Jaimie re-enters the room, now that Stephen had gone to bed, "You handled that quite well."

Rich is not so sure, "I need to drive around. Come on, Stephen will be okay. He'll cry himself to sleep. He's used to that."

Rich and Jaimie drive through a busy business district, "I'm going to stop; I need a drink."

Jaimie reaches inside her purse for a pack of cigarettes.

Rich frowns, "I thought you quit smoking?"

Jaimie looks ahead, "Well, I started back up!"

Rich extends his hand, "Give me one."

The radio blasts. Rich hits the station selection button to a hard rock tune. Unaware, Rich's foot presses harder on the gas pedal as the loud beat of the music vibrates within, smothering the penetrating sound of a siren.

As a red light enters his vision the lit cigarette drops from his mouth. Brakes screech entering the intersection, causing the ambulance to roll. Too late to brake, Rich commits a common error, cutting his wheels too much as he swerves to miss the ambulance. His momentum carries him over the curb, smashing into the corner drugstore.

54

The ambulance rests on its side at the edge of the street. Still secure in seat belts and shoulder straps within the ambulance, those passengers' slight movements show consciousness. Across the street, flames consume what once looked like a car, Rich and Jaimie somewhere within.

55

ENTRY ELEVEN

Adam Tressel sips from a glass of wine, a very satisfying vintage ---after a very satisfying day. He smiles at his wife, asleep beside him. The European conference was very prosperous, but paled in comparison to this crowning moment.

Adam looks out the window of his Suite. The Shanghai lights shine through the hard rain. The defiant winds whistle past his window. He smiles at his own bold defiance in the business world.

Adam takes another sip of wine as he clicks on the late news. He had many proud moments in his life, but none had come close to matching this one.

Adam is about to call the desk, telling them he is going to turn in for the evening, when the phone rings. He picks it up, and says nothing. What he hears, sends his heart into near arrest.

He drops his wine goblet onto the plush carpet and clutches his chest, barely able to get a breath. He stares ahead as the television reports the same news he had just heard.

The weather is bad, but Adam wakes up his wife. They must take an immediate flight out.

56

ENTRY TWELVE

Midnight provides for tired conversation a couple nights later. The room is dark; only some reflected light from the moon allows the shadowy image of Roy Razohn as he talks to his wife in bed.

Genny provides conversation with her back to her husband, "You should have taken that higher-paying position in Michigan."

Roy turns towards his wife, "I didn't really want to. I like it here."

Genny yawns, "You liked the potential that no longer exists; Ruth being a friend with the Tressel boy. That hope is no longer alive."

Roy yawns in return, "Talk about freaky circumstances, . . . what are the odds? Stephen's baby sister dies, then his mom dies, and his dad gets himself killed in a car crash; so when the grandparents find out, they get on their private jet and it crashes."

Genny pulls the covers up around her neck, "Kind of gives you a chill. So much bad luck in one family. I'm going to ask our Pastor to pray a hedge of protection around that poor boy. How much can one person endure? Especially a child?"

Roy moves to the edge of the bed, "You go ahead and talk to the Pastor. I'm going to talk to my connection in Michigan. I want outta here. I don't even want to hear the name Tressel. I think there's a curse on that family. Someone must've done something really wrong. That much tragedy doesn't happen to one family, unless there's a reason. And personally, I don't want to be around while death reasons it out."

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ENTRY THIRTEEN

George Olitz tries to reason it out as he attempts to explain it to Pastor John. He is careful to make sure Stephen is not around to hear the conversation, but what he is hiding affects Stephen in a big way. Most people would think Stephen should know. But George tells Pastor John what he believes is neither of their place to tell Stephen.

Pastor John agrees, and George knows he can trust the pastor. After the fiasco with Rich's wife, George had told Rich that Doctor Galen would no longer be able to practice medicine in our country. George had the Federal authorities perform a thorough going over of the clinic in Spokane, but there was no sign of Doctor Galen nor of Wanda.

Then came the tragedy with Rich and his parents. So George was now communicating with Pastor John, who agrees to begin the process to adopt Stephen.

Though Pastor John feels it is no benefit to Stephen that they track down Doctor Galen, George still vows he is going to do it.

George has a reason that he feels even the pastor will agree upon. Any Doctor like that should not be allowed to continue practicing medicine. Pastor John reminds George that he should not vow anything, though he does believe George will accomplish that which he sets out to do.

And George does accomplish it.

He quickly notifies the authorities that he believes Doctor Galen and Wanda are both in Montana, working on a huge ranch as Doctor Birley and Doctor Gotam.

58

The report was that the ranch specialized in superior breeding. They were crossing beef cattle with buffalo, to obtain a much larger calf. They had to artificially inseminate the cows to produce the 'beefalos', and the Doctors had more than their hands full with that task. Upon searching the Doctor's residence, there were no Doctors to be found. Evidence was that they had left the country this time. But that was not the most interesting thing found. They found evidence of a huge blackmailing scheme. And they found Sarah Tressel.



59

ENTRY FOURTEEN

There were drugs in Sarah's system to prevent her from recovering, but George is certain she will recover once her system is clear of the drugs.

Sarah has a strong will to live. She immediately asks about her son and daughter. George says they are both in good hands, and as soon as she gets well enough they will travel to Seattle.

Sarah also asks about her husband. George wants Sarah to have more of her strength before he tells her about her husband and daughter. But George also sees how difficult it is to encourage her by continuing to be so evasive.

He needs to give her something to cling onto. Sometimes the small pleasures in life really make the difference. George is reminded once again of this as his hand nervously slips into his coat pocket. He is really pleased with his dry-cleaning service. They are very thorough. They always empty the pockets, then return the contents after the cleaning. And there it is!

He will give the necklace to Sarah to cling onto. George had seen Stephen with the same necklace, and figured it out from there. He takes it from his pocket, and puts it around her neck.

Sarah caresses it in her hand, and holds it against her heart.

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George confides in Pastor John, and tells the pastor that he is perhaps the only one he can trust. He shares with the pastor his suspicions of how the fraudulent Doctors were probably going to try to get money from the Tressel family by keeping Sarah hostage, but were then most likely uncertain what course of action to take once Rich and his parents died.

George tells the pastor that too much tragedy has already happened, and he doesn't trust anyone, so he hid Sarah at one of his favorite spots on the Washington coast, and she is doing well with her recovery. Once she recovers fully, they can sort out the details of her life, and she can make her own decision when and how she wants to get back into her son's life.

Pastor John agrees with George, telling him that anyone should feel honored to have such great a friend.

Pastor John wants to give Stephen the much needed love that any child should have ...especially in these circumstances. And he feels this is the most loving way to handle this very difficult situation.

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Part Three

ENTRY ONE

Nearing the end of summer, the Razohn family have settled comfortably, so it seems, into their Michigan home.

Genny gets up early each morning to have a cup of coffee with her husband before he leaves for work. She then goes back to bed. It will be a while before the birds begin to sing.

Genny finds it very difficult to get up. She has no desire to get out of bed. She has no desire to hear the birds sing.

Ruth, on the other hand, joins the morning as it springs to life. She sings with the birds. Her day is a day of anticipation. In a few hours the mail will come.

The old man next door walks back and forth on his porch with his cane, watching his new neighbor delight in the day. Ruth skips out to the mailbox and then leaps for joy as she retrieves the letter.

The old man hollers out, "When you come back to earth, could you perhaps consider getting my mail for me?"

Ruth looks up with a big smile, "Sure, I'll be right there."

Ruth goes to the old man's mailbox. The name 'Emil' is hand-painted on the side of the mailbox. Ruth retrieves several letters and a newspaper. Eager to open her own mail, she jogs up to Emil's porch.

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Emil smiles, "You wouldn't mind reading my letters to me, would you? I just had a cornea operation."

Ruth returns the smile, "Oh, I'm sorry, I know that can be painful. My dad had an operation like that last year. He was moving furniture, and wouldn't listen to my mom when she told him not to lift the heavy things alone."

Emil tries not to smile too much, "You're talking about a hernia; I believe I said cornea . . . but it's hard to be sure what I've said at my age."

Emil sits down on the bench on his porch, "The cornea is a part of the eye, and I had an operation called a transplant . That's where they take a new part and put it in an old part like me."

Ruth looks concerned, "How long will it take before your eye will get better?"

Emil winks, "I'm hoping that it will take a lot longer than they said it would. I'd rather have good friends than good eyesight. So the longer I can get you to read me my mail, the better. And of course, I have milk and cookies to help along my coercion."

Ruth doesn't want to ask what coercion is. She is content with the offer of milk and cookies. "Are you all alone?"

Emil lowers his head, "My wife passed away last year."

Ruth looks up to him, "I'm sorry, do you have any children?"

Emil still does not raise his head, "I have a daughter who is married to a rich fellow. They live in New York. She writes to me once in a while."

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ENTRY TWO

A couple weeks go by on basically the same schedule for Ruth: early morning chores, an afternoon visit with Emil, letter writing, music lessons, and an anxious wait for mom and daughter as they hold dinner for dad.

This early afternoon, Ruth runs out to the mailbox, finding another letter from Stephen. She puts the letter in her back pocket before she opens Emil's mailbox.

Emil is off his schedule. He sits in a chair in the center of his home, about to fall asleep. His cane leans against the end table beside his chair, and a Three Musketeers bar sits isolated on top of the table.

Emil stares into empty space, his hands folded. His head nods, and his eyes begin to shut when suddenly a knock is heard.

Emil jerks his head alertly, and picks up the Three Musketeers bar, placing it in his front pocket, before grabbing his cane and waddling towards the shadow by the front door.

Ruth hollers from the other side of the door, "Junk mail! Junk mail!" As the door opens, Ruth smiles, "They're from the same two companies that wrote you last week."

Just then Mrs. Razohn begins to back down the driveway, sounding her car horn and hollering out the car window, "Hurry up, we have to run a few errands! Then you can practice your piano when we get back."

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A couple hours later, the sun is about to set as they drive back from shopping. Mrs. Razohn turns onto the gravel road that will lead to their house, "Don't you think that's a pretty dress I bought you?"

Ruth had been silent up until now, "But we never go anywhere anymore."

Mrs. Razohn looks straight ahead, "You'll be going to school next week. I want you to look pretty."

Ruth sighs, "I liked when Daddy, you, and me would dress up and go out to eat. But now we don't do anything together. When he is home, he's alone in that den. He hibernates in there like a bear."
Mrs. Razohn is quick to steer the conversation, "Don't talk about your dad that way. He sleeps in the den because he's up later than me and doesn't want to wake me when he finishes with his paperwork and phone calls. And he's usually so exhausted he just crashes there."

Emil is sitting beside a window near his front door. Almost nodding off, he gathers a glimpse of something outside his window. He alertly looks out, and sees Ruth and Mrs. Razohn return up the driveway.

Mrs. Razohn parks the car, and hurries into the house. Ruth gets the package out of the car, catching a glimpse of Emil coming out his door.

Emil falls.

Ruth drops her package and runs to his assistance, "Are you okay?"

Emil holds his leg, not in a hurry to get back up. "I'm okay; I just have a bad leg. Last year I had a heart attack, and fell down these steps. I've had to use that old cane ever since."

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Ruth helps Emil get back up. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Emil sits down on his porch bench, "Thanks for helping me. If you weren't around to help, I might have been still lying there when the Senior Citizen people come around."

Ruth remains politely attentive, "Who are they?"

Emil reaches into his pocket, having remembered the letter, "They're a group who watch over old people. They come over once a week to check on me, and I give them my shopping list. Not too much goes on in the village of Dexter. But we like it this way. Oh, by the way, you dropped this letter earlier."

Ruth quickly checks the address, "Yes! It's another letter from my friend Stephen. Thank you."

Ruth and Emil bid their farewells, and Ruth hurries home, going straight to her bedroom. She stretches across her bed with pencil and paper, the letter open beside her.

Soon Ruth finishes writing her return letter to Stephen, and wanders to the kitchen where she finds her mom, sitting with her head in her hands. "Are you okay, Mom?"

Mrs. Razohn raises her head, "I was just thinking."

Ruth sits down beside her, "About what?"

Mrs. Razohn stands up, "I was just thinking I'd like to hear you practice your piano."

Ruth sees this as an end to the conversation. Without hesitation, she begins pounding out the theme song to 'The Young and the Restless'.

Just then the front door slams open, and Mr. Razohn walks in, holding the package that Ruth dropped earlier. "Dinner ready?"

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Mrs. Razohn is unprepared, "You're home early today! I'll fix you something to eat right away. I didn't expect you so soon."

Mr. Razohn has a definite edge to his voice, "How could you expect me? When I phoned earlier you must have been out shopping."

He waves the package in the air. "And you leave this dress out in the driveway for the dogs to eat."

Mr. Razohn walks into the adjacent room where Ruth is still pounding out the tune to 'The Young and the Restless'.

He hollers, "Ruth! Can't you bang on that thing during the day?"

Ruth stops playing immediately, and looks up timidly as her dad holds the package in view.

Mr. Razohn tosses the dress at Ruth, "You left this outside. Can't you take care of anything?"

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ENTRY THREE

It is a typical mid-week cold autumn evening. The papers are piling up in the den. Mr. Razohn presses his palms over his eyes. As he lifts his hands to yawn, he sees Mrs. Razohn standing there in her robe. "What do you want?"

Mrs. Razohn is mindful of her husband's disturbed tone, "Ruth's schoolteacher called today."

Mr. Razohn continues the same tone, "What does she want?"

"Ruth's grades have dropped. She wants to talk about it."

"She gets paid! Teachers these days don't even know how to teach. She wants to talk . . . you go talk with her."

"I'm not going without you."

"Tell her I work late, and can't fit it into my schedule."

"I told her that, but she said she'd wait and arrange a time to both our convenience."

"She'll be waiting a long time."

"I told her I'd pass her message on."

"Okay, you passed it on. Now I have real business to tend to if you don't mind."

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ENTRY FOUR

The following day, Ruth goes directly to the mailbox after returning from school. She checks Emil's mail too. Ruth always enjoys delivering Emil's mail to him.

Mrs. Razohn is in the kitchen when Ruth enters an hour later, "Hi, Mom!"

Mrs. Razohn is all business, "We need to talk."

Ruth smiles. Her mom doesn't talk to her often, "Sure, Mom! What do you want to talk about?"

"Well, your dad and I decided that you'll be grounded until your grades improve. As soon as you get home from school, you are to go straight to your bedroom and begin your schoolwork. You're not allowed outside. That includes no going to the mailbox and no visiting at the neighbor's."

Ruth finishes up all her schoolwork, and double-checks it. She carries her books into the living room, and then returns to her bedroom.

Mr. Razohn arrives just before sunset, and marches right into Ruth's bedroom, "No wonder your grades are so poor, writing letters when you should be working on your schoolwork."

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Ruth looks up at her dad as if he were a stranger to her. Lately, he has changed ...and she doesn't know what to expect from him. Half frightened, she doesn't move.

"Well, what are you waiting for; where're your schoolbooks?"

Ruth trembles, "In the living room."

"A lot of good they're doing there. Let's move it!" He shouts angrily, not waiting for her to move, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her off the bed.

He continues to jerk her by the arm, directing her into the living room. Ruth does not cry out. She cries inwardly. She never imagined there would come a day ...when she doubted whether her dad still loved her.



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ENTRY FIVE

Mr. Razohn gets home mid-afternoon, surprising his wife with some unexpected news, "There's a big dinner this evening and it's important that the wives be there. I called a babysitter before I left the office. My secretary gave me the name. She'll be here shortly."

Ruth is given the short of it when she returns from school. She is sent to her bedroom with her books. The babysitter gets on the phone as soon as Ruth's parents leave. "Could you loan me a few dollars, Margaret? The dance is tomorrow night, and I want to buy that dress we saw at Knapps."

Ruth has her schoolbook open, and a pencil in her hand, with a blank sheet of paper beside her. She wipes the tears away from her eyes as she attempts to focus on the text. As she leans forward her pencil-tip brakes.

Ruth quietly walks into the hallway leading to the living room. She quickly locates another pencil in the buffet. Ruth doesn't see the babysitter behind her. But she feels the kick on the back of her leg. "I thought you had homework to do? Get back in your bedroom!"

Ruth turns around holding the pencil up to show the babysitter, "I just needed to get . . . "

The babysitter shoves Ruth to the floor, bending her arm behind her back, and pushing her face into the floor, "I don't need any back talk from you!"

The babysitter shuts Ruth within her bedroom, then walks back down the hallway and past the open buffet. She turns back as something catches her eye, then hurries back to the phone, "Sorry, I had to take care of this little punk. We won't be interrupted again. I took care of her! Oh, about that loan I asked you for; I think I can manage without it."

An hour or so passes; and the sun sets. A couple more hours pass. The babysitter continues to pass time talking on the telephone, while watching television at the same time. Car lights light up the dimly lit room. She quickly takes her feet off the sofa, and grabs the plate and empty glass beside it, hurrying to the kitchen.

She quickly returns to the living room, turns the television volume way down, and sits up with her feet on the floor.

Mrs. Razohn enters first, "How was Ruth?"

The babysitter looks to both Mr. and Mrs. Razohn, "Is she always that wild?"

Mrs. Razohn expresses surprise, "Wild?"

The babysitter calmly offers, "She tried to jab me with a pencil when I was just checking to see if she was doing her schoolwork. You have to be strict with her don't you?"

Mr. Razohn frowns, "Yes, but I guess I have to teach her more respect."

Mrs. Razohn still expresses surprise, "I'm shocked that she would attempt to strike out at you like that!"

Anxious to move along, Mr. Razohn offers, "Well, I guess you're anxious to get home." He turns to his wife, "Where'd you put the babysitting money?"

Mrs. Razohn turns to the buffet, "I'll get it."

The babysitter doesn't wait for the announcement, "Ruth was snooping around there just before she blew up at me."

Mrs. Razohn looks perplexed, "There's no money in here!"

ENTRY SIX

Early the next morning, Genny asks Roy if he thinks perhaps he'd been too rough on Ruth.

It doesn't take much to rekindle Roy's anger, "That kid's not going to run this house! And you'd better make sure she doesn't try!"

The words aren't so harsh. It's the way they are said.

Mrs. Razohn sits with her head in her hands as Ruth quietly enters the kitchen, and begins to pour her cold cereal, "Morning mom."

"It certainly isn't a good morning!" Ruth's mom is quite hesitant. "Ruth, I was shocked at your behavior last evening. Don't you ever pull that kind of stunt again! I won't tolerate it! And to steal from your own dad and mom, after all that we do for you? I want you to get the money, and give it to me now!"

Ruth barely lifts her eyes, "But Mom, I didn't take any money!"

Mrs. Razohn directs her by the arm to the bathroom, "I won't put up with these filthy lies!" She scrapes a bar of soap across Ruth's teeth. "Don't you ever lie to me again!"

ENTRY SEVEN

That day at school, Ruth is not paying attention to those around her. She sits quietly as her noisy classmates await the teacher to enter the room. Ruth draws a picture of trees, sunshine, and two people. On the bottom, she writes, "I love you, Stephen."

One boy hurriedly walks past, brushing the drawing to the floor, "Oh, look!" He points and reads, "I love you, Stephen."

Ruth reaches down to pick up the drawing, but the boy slides it with his foot. She gets out of her seat to retrieve it, grabbing the boy's arm in her frantic attempt to get her drawing back.

Having enjoyed this little game, the noisy boys and girls laugh, then resume their other childish games.

Ruth runs tearfully to escape the circus of laughter, swinging the door open to enter the hallway. But she enters the teacher's grasp, facing a hard explanation.

Ruth spends the rest of the day at the Principal's office. She coughs and gags, still unable to rid herself of the sensation of the taste of soap in her mouth ...and the bitter taste of ridicule and false accusations.

That evening, Mr. and Mrs. Razohn and Ruth have a rare meal together, though it is typically still very late.

Mr. Razohn glares at Ruth, "Eat your Brussels sprouts!"

"I'm trying to eat them, but . . . . ., " Ruth does not look up.

"But what!" Mr. Razohn continues with his firm tone.

"Nothing, I'll just eat them."

"Don't you tell me 'nothing'! What were you about to say!?!"

"Well, they sort of taste like soap."

Mr. Razohn drops his fork, "Don't you ever say that about your mom's cooking!"

Ruth silently counts the pile of twenty-seven Brussels sprouts. She stabs one and chews it slowly with an expression of torment.

Mr. Razohn pushes his plate aside, not finishing his Brussels sprouts, "Truth is, your mom doesn't have the spirit to discipline you, your teachers can't control you, and I can't be missing work. Kids like you who are so ungrateful that they can't appreciate a good home, don't deserve to live at home. I'm sending you to an institution. After a few months there, maybe you'll gain a little more appreciation. That's that! It's not up for debate. Now eat your Brussels sprouts!"

Ruth holds back the tears, "May I use the bathroom first?"

Mrs. Razohn takes her turn, "Okay, use the bathroom, but hurry back. Brussels sprouts don't taste good cold."

Meanwhile, inside the neighbor's home, things are much more peaceful. Emil walks over to his dresser, opens a drawer, and retrieves a photo album. He sits down in his favorite chair and opens the album to the first two pages of wedding pictures. Turning the page, he smiles, and a tear enters his eye as several photos capture the moment of the birth of his baby girl. Slowly he turns the pages with more tears marking each moment of him and his wife enjoying their daughter as she grows up.

Emil doesn't turn the page. He is locked in the moment. He doesn't want to turn the page, but he feels he has to. High school graduation is followed by college graduation. Then comes the wedding day. Several pages are filled with the bride and the groom; and also him and his wife enjoying the celebrated day. But that celebrated day is followed by empty pages. Emil puts the album on the end table beside him. And he cries.

Emil wipes his eyes, then reaches for a handkerchief to wipe his nose. After stuffing the handkerchief in his pocket, he reaches for the worn Bible he keeps near the lamp. He opens the Bible, and reads a marked section.

Emil begins to nod when suddenly there seems to be a knock at the door. He raises his head, but hears nothing. He glances back to where his finger has kept his place in Matthew, chapter seven, verse seven, whispering to himself, "Seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you."

Another knock is heard. Emil stares across the room into relative emptiness.

At the third knock, Emil puts down the Bible, picks up his cane, and waddles to the door. He opens the door slowly, and sees a frightened and tearful Ruth.

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Ruth puts her arms around Emil, "My parents don't love me!"

Emil steadies himself, putting a comforting arm across Ruth's back, "Hurry in; tell me what happened!"

Meanwhile, Mr. Razohn had remained seated at the dinner table, persistent in his calling. He becomes furious when his commands are repeatedly ignored. He walks towards the bathroom, "Ruth! I'm talking to you!"

Mrs. Razohn is never certain whose side she is on, yet sides with avoiding her share of the fury, "She ran to the neighbor's; I just saw her go inside the old man's house."

Mr. Razohn dictates to his wife, "Call the hospital and tell them we're doing an emergency admission!"

Mr. Razohn marches out of the house and over to the neighbor's. He pounds on the door.

Emil does not respond at first, and Mr. Razohn pounds more furiously. Emil finally opens the door, "May I help you?"

Mr. Razohn glares past Emil to where Ruth is standing, "You can let me in to get my daughter!"

Mr. Razohn forces his way into the house, not allowing Emil time to get out of the way. Emil almost falls, leaning heavily on his cane, as Mr. Razohn directs Ruth out the door, exerting force on her arm.

Emil is filled with his own silent anger.

Ruth's silence is filled with fear, yet she ignores the pain. She doesn't struggle as her dad seems to resent her present cooperation, shoving her into the back seat of the car.

Mr. Razohn tells his wife to get in, then turns one last time to Ruth, "You're going to that mental institution. You don't cooperate with them; you'll never see either of us again. You better do what they say, unless you want to stay there forever."

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Part Four

ENTRY ONE

The following day, late afternoon, a staff person is sitting behind a large desk. Mr. and Mrs. Razohn sit in lounge chairs in front of the desk. Ruth sits to the side in a wooden chair. Ruth's head is hanging and her hands folded against her stomach. The staff person is tapping a pencil on the desk and looking down at a large sheet of paper that has much writing on it. A small pad of blank paper lays waiting to the side.

The staff person looks up, "Okay, . . . I need to ask some brief questions about your family history." Looking down, "Is there any history of emotional problems or mental illness in the family?"

Mr. Razohn answers bluntly, "No! Not on my side of the family."

Mrs. Razohn adds, "Neither family." The staff person writes something down, "History of drug or alcohol abuse?"
Mrs. Razohn answers briefly, "No."

The staff person pauses before continuing, "It asks whether the family unit is intact. That probably refers to separation or divorce, but you mentioned that you're married, and are both Ruth's natural parents . . . . Are either or both of you working?"

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Mr. Razohn glares straight ahead, "I'm employed full-time; my wife takes care of the home."

The staff person continues, "Do you have any other children?"

Mr. Razohn looks at Ruth, "One was enough!"

The staff person looks at the sheet, "Okay, next is developmental milestones . . . were there any noticeable difficulties in the development of speech or walking, et cetera, for Ruth?"

Mrs. Razohn fields the next several questions, "No. Her early development was normal."

"Any pregnancy problems?"

"No."

"Any history of seizures or serious head injury?"

"No."

"Any presently existing problems such as sleeping, eating, enuresis?"

"She doesn't sleep well. She's very restless. And I can't get her to eat the food I cook."

"Is she allergic to any food or medication?"

"She's food fussy; not allergic"

"Is she taking any medication presently?"

"No."

"Has she ever been on medications of any sort?"

"No, but we considered it."

The staff person looks over at Ruth, "Okay, Ruth, now I'm going to ask you some questions. It helps us judge your understanding of what we are trying to do here. So, Ruth, why do you feel you are here?"

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Ruth remains silent and continues to hang her head. "Okay, let me rephrase that. Ruth, what do you expect from yourself and us?"

Ruth remains silent. "Well then, how about this one, Ruth . . . what do you consider your biggest problem?"

Mr. Razohn jumps in, "That's certainly her biggest problem . . . .disrespect. And she is a very manipulative child. She can't be trusted at home or at school. She lies and steals. She got aggressive with the babysitter once, and then at school the very next day. She doesn't accept parental figures well. And she tried to run away from home just last evening."

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ENTRY TWO

The third week. Friday morning.

Staff person: "You have to sit in there until you're calm."

Girl: "I am calm!"

Staff person: "No, you're not! You just slapped someone. You have to be in there until I think you're calm."

Girl: "How long will that be ?"

Staff person: "It depends on your behavior."

Girl: "But I'm calm now ! You just want to keep me in here."
Staff person: "Only if it takes you that long. I I repeat, it's up to your behavior."

Girl: "My behavior's good."

Staff person: "No, it's not! I don't think you're ready to come out."

Girl: "How long before I'm ready then?"

Staff person: "Quite a while."

Girl: "How long is that?"

Staff person: "I don't know."

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Five minutes later, a therapist walks onto the unit, and approaches the girl in the self-control room. It brings a smile to the girl's face.

Girl: "The staff told me I had to be in here until I'm calm. Can I get up?"

Therapist: "Sure. Be good now! I'll see you Monday."

The therapist leaves the ward.

The girl leaves the self-control room, and sneaks into another room where other girls are watching television. She slaps one of the girls across the back of the head.

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ENTRY THREE

Ruth opens a letter she has just received from Stephen. She reads:

"A poem for Ruth . . .

Ask yourself why you're not a poet
Why grass grows and you have to mow it
Why clothes get soiled and dishes dirty
Some people are shy and others, flirty
Why cattle don't fly, opposed to birds
And our feathered friends don't come in herds.

Why you're not a poet may not be quite clear
But until I explain, don't worry, my dear
It's only the spirit in which you perform
You'll never succeed in fighting a storm . . . .

. . . . Book five, Psalm one hundred and seven, verses twenty-eight through thirty-one . . .
"Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and He bringeth them out of their distresses. He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still. Then are they glad because they be quiet; so He bringeth them unto their desired haven. Oh that men would praise the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men!"

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Ruth opens up her top dresser drawer where she keeps all her cards and letters. She opens a card and reads:

Many profess a faith they say, but mix it with evolution;
They set up controlled experiments to microscopic solutions.

Each theory brings new questions, and added bewilderment,

And actually doesn't help our life as much as it was meant.

Each day goes on and troubles grow, there is no way to curb them;

Anxiety and fear of coping with what experiments haven't taught them.

Man gets out his microscope, creating drugs to mask the troubles;

Antidepressants, sleeping pills . . . to avoid those burdensome bubbles.

But if man knew of an instant cure that could ride his troubles away,

He'd turn to the Lord, our Saviour, and through prayer the troubles would not stay.

Because each day when we need that guidance, the Lord is always there.

In that time of urgency, do you think the microscope would care?

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On the right hand side of the card, Ruth reads, verses six and seven of the First Epistle of Peter, chapter five:

"Humble yourselves therefore under the
mighty hand of God, that He may exalt
you in due time: Casting all your care
unto Him; for He careth for you."

Ruth gets out another card. It has a drawing of a love tree, showing that the root is in God's love. There's a poem about love with the drawing: Love is not: merely hugging a dog, initialing a tree, or a pet frog --- Often confused with the childlike crush, unlike it though, love shouldn't rush. Love takes time, comparatively so; long seems it now, but not as it grows. Love is not: a material thing, merely some words, or a song that we sing. The wealthy may collect things that they cherish, the poor wish they had; their dreams bound to perish. But those who like just where they're at, accepting a friend in a dog, frog, or cat; And those beyond initialing a tree, beyond dreaming things they never will see; Enjoying the things that do pass their way, and thankful to God each day as they pray; Yes, those who can share each personal thing, will find deep inside, a love does it bring.

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ENTRY SIX

Same evening, three hours later. Ruth has her eyes closed, attempting to get some sleep. Two girls enter the room and turn on the light.

Wendy: "What's she doing in bed at ten o'clock?"

Phyllis: "I don't know, but she can't expect to get any sleep at this early hour."

Wendy opens the curtains and looks across a small courtyard at another group of windows. A couple of boys are seen in the window across the way. Wendy blows them a kiss.

Phyllis turns on her radio, not too loud, but just loud enough for the two of them ---and to disturb Ruth.

Wendy and Phyllis begin to dance in front of the window. The dancing becomes a blur through the half-conscious slits of Ruth's sleepy eyes. The beat of the rock music seems to speed up their bleary dance. Whirling panties and raised shirts flash across the dizzy room. Ruth's face tightens and she buries her head beneath her pillow.

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Part Five

ENTRY ONE

Eight years later, Stephen rides his bicycle out of the city, into the countryside. A gravel road quickly becomes a dirt road, then narrows into a path. The path meanders on, but Stephen slows to a stop. He hears singing.

Stephen walks his bicycle a short distance to a thicket, concealing his bicycle within some bushes. He proceeds on foot, off the beaten path, but another path emerges out of nowhere, leading towards a distant hill.

Guitar playing accompanies the beautiful youthful voice. The hills seem to sing out her peaceful melody. An African-American girl, about his age, sits beneath a huge old oak tree. She doesn't see Stephen approach, and continues to sing a song he has not heard before, but which is clearly recognized as a Christian song.

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Stephen catches on to the refrain and joins in. The young girl smiles, "Well, thank you. I'm usually only joined by the chorus of the forest." A bird sings in the mighty oak above.

"My name is Stephen."

"And mine is Hannah. Pleasure to meet you. It's beautiful up here isn't it? I enjoy singing as I let my senses wander the landscapes of God's creation."

"And I enjoy listening to that blessed voice God has given you. Do you sing professionally?"

Hannah laughs, "No, I don't sing professionally, but I do sing professingly."

"That reminds me, I'm planning a community outreach this summer, and I would be thrilled if you'd join me. It would be great if others could be blessed in the same way I've just been."

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ENTRY TWO

A couple days later, Stephen is seated alone in the nonsmoking section of a restaurant where Hannah had agreed to meet him. A young boy and his parents seat themselves a couple tables down. The young boy has on a suit and tie, while his parents are just plainly dressed. His mother adjusts his tie before seating herself, then whispers something in his ear.

Further down, a baby is seated in an infant chair at the end of the table. The baby has a bib on, but is still managing to create a mess by slopping food all over the chair and on the floor. The slightly older sister is amused by the whole affair, while the parents are busy talking loudly to each other and are yet to notice the mess. The baby flings a spoon across the table in front of the parents who suddenly become aware of their child's creation. The mom hollers, and slaps the baby's hand.

Meanwhile, a very old man had been accompanied by a waitress to a table near Stephen. The old man is sitting half asleep as the waitress brings him some coffee. She fills his cup beyond the rim, then quickly goes on to another table.

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A waitress escorts Hannah to Stephen's table. She taps her pencil against her order pad and chews her gum in a vigorous fashion, "May I take your order please!"

Stephen smiles, "I need a few minutes, please?"

The waitress smacks her gum, "Sure! When you're ready, just holler. That's the way we do things around here."

It doesn't take Stephen and Hannah long to order. And it doesn't take long for their order to arrive.

It doesn't matter if it is a pre-cooked meal. That is not the reason they are here. It is to discuss more important issues.

A couple tables down, a man is seated next to a sign reading 'No Smoking Section'. The man lights up a cigarette. Hannah notices that Stephen is noticing.

Hannah smiles, "My friend Harold and I met with my older brother for lunch the other day. As we were standing up front waiting for a table, a young man approached us and asked for a light. My brother said he could show him the Light that would calm him more than any cigarette. The young man seemed slightly confused, hesitated for a moment, then politely turned to leave. My friend Harold then asked the young man to join us for lunch. The young man turned around, seemingly surprised by the offer, but timidly replied that he had spent his last on the pack of cigarettes. Harold said he would gladly pay for his meal, insisting that the young man join us. And when the waitress brought us our meal, Harold reached across the table and held the young man's hand, while saying this prayer --"

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Hannah reaches across the table and holds Stephen's hand as they both bow their heads. "We thank you, Lord, for the food before us. The food itself may be a blessing to meet our hunger, but what an added blessing that we can share together, serving one another. Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity to show a portion of your love, in Jesus' Name. Amen."

Stephen lights up, "That's what we need to show people! There's such a deep hunger for friendship and caring out there. We can't shield ourselves from it. Sometimes our churches spent all their time providing services and church activity for their membership. And we begin to feel it's more secure not to reach out."

"Harold later invited that same young man to a church dinner, and now he is not only actively involved in church, but has shown a desire to enter the mission field."

Stephen finishes up a bite of his sandwich, "Sounds like your friend Harold has a real charismatic personality and has a sincere effect on people. When do I get to meet him?"

Hannah chuckles, "Yes, he had a real sincere effect upon me too. When do you get to meet him? Well, he should be back from his latest mission trip in less than a month. And though I just recently met you, I guess there's still room enough to invite you to the wedding. Harold and I plan to marry later this summer. I guess you can consider this an official invite."

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ENTRY THREE

The following day, early afternoon, Stephen sits on his bed, reading his Bible. He re-reads Matthew, chapter 13, the parable of the sower.

Stephen takes a sheet of paper out of the typewriter beside him and reads: "If I had to take a bus somewhere and two buses stopped at the corner, I'd make sure I knew which one was going to take me where I wanted to go. Don't make a mistake and get on the wrong bus! Jesus paved the road to salvation, the Bible shows us the route, and that's the bus I'm riding on. Actions follow beliefs and are reflections of how you truly believe. It's not too convincing to others if you say you believe in God and still live a life in an unheavenly bound way."

Stephen crumples it up, then uncrumples it, setting it aside. He types, while speaking th words: "You're waiting on the corner, and a bus stops. The sign in front, telling which bus it is, reads 'Out-of -Order', and you decide to show the driver your map, telling him where you want to go. The bus driver tells you that you're on the right bus. He begins in the right direction and you relax and maybe even close your eyes. You don't realize he's not taking you where you want to go. I'm referring to the cult movements. Matthew, chapter 7, verses 15&16, reads: Beware of false prophets which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits."

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His typewriter aside, Stephen opens the Book of John, chapter 10, verses 27-29, reading aloud: "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand."

Stephen reclines on his bed, gathering two pillows under his head. He had not slept good last night. He closes his eyes and the same dream returns: There are many doors along an empty corridor. At the end of the corridor, a door is heard opening, and a young man enters the corridor by one door and exits by another. Two more people enter the corridor from two separate doors. The one person converses with the other, and they depart together through another door. A young girl seems to be forced through a door as she falls to the floor of the corridor. She attempts to pass back through the door, but the door is stuck. Her frantic, yet feeble attempt to open the door brings a rattling echo throughout the corridor. A door opens, and a young man enters the corridor. The young girl attempts to get his attention, but another door opens right in front of the young man. A man with a huge smile and wearing a graduation gown steps up to the young man, handing him a college diploma and a stack of money. He entices the young man to pass through the open doorway with him. They both exit. The young girl sees that one of the doors remains just slightly open. As she approaches the door, it slowly closes. The door is tried, but it is locked. In growing desperation, several doors are tried, but are all found to be locked. Suddenly, a door swings open! That door leads into total darkness.

Stephen sits up quickly in bed! He kneels beside his bed in prayer. Several minutes later, Stephen walks over to his dresser. He gets out two stacks of paper, one of white paper and the other, various shades of red.

Stephen takes a white sheet of paper, and folds it in half. He draws half a heart. Then, with large scissors, he cuts it out and unfolds it. He traces the complete heart on the top sheet of the stack of reddish paper and cuts the approximately twelve sheets of paper by the outline of the heart.

Stephen tosses the stack of hearts on the blue bedspread covering his bed. The hearts spread out as they land on the bedspread.

There is a knock at the open door. Stephen turns to see Pastor John, "Dad, how does this look? I was thinking of entitling our program, 'So Loved', since most people are familiar with John three-sixteen."

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have eternal life. Yes, that sounds good! And your design would put me in a hearty mood."

Pastor John picks up the white heart with the fold and folds it back over. "But what concerns me is this half-hearted mood you seem to be in lately.

"What do you mean, Dad, I thought I was putting my whole heart into it?"

"Yes, this project you have put your whole heart into, but that's not what I'm talking about. I think you need a break. You seem to be progressing quite well with this 'So Loved', and it's still a month away, so nothing pressing there, but what I'm concerned about is that you don't neglect your own needs. You seem to be burying your feelings beneath all this busy activity."

"Is that what you think I'm doing?"

"I'm not questioning your intentions, son, you are a wonderful young man and no Dad could be prouder of his son than I am of you. It's just that sometimes there are things going on inside us that we are not necessarily aware of. And they get lost in all the good."

"I'm sorry, Dad, I haven't been spending much time with you lately."

"Well, I think we can take care of that too. Jim and Sue offered us their cottage for the week, and Russ is letting us use his jeep. So how about joining me?"

ENTRY FOUR

Stephen points to a distant hill, "That's where I met Hannah. Sure is beautiful country out here!"

Pastor John drives the jeep just about a mile past where Stephen had taken his bicycle; and turns off onto a dirt road. "It's about three miles in from here."

The road weaves back and forth through the low areas of the forested hills. Stephen spots a tree house within the gnarly branches of a big pine and points it out. Then around one more corner, the cottage comes into view.

The cottage is tucked away nicely within the rocky hillside overlooking an awesome view of a sparkling lake. It is a small cottage with a full-length sliding glass door taking up most of one wall and the adjacent wall is brick with a fireplace built within.

"You don't mind if I build a fire, do you, Dad?"

"Not at all, I was going to suggest it myself. There should be some wood stacked out back. I'll hunt down some forked sticks and we can roast our sandwiches." 97

Pastor John and Stephen have a much different way of roasting sandwiches. Stephen is very meticulous with roasting his sandwich to an even brown. Pastor John sticks his sandwich into the hot flame, then pulls his roasting stick out quickly, blowing out the flame that is quickly charring his sandwich.

He laughs, "It's all about how hungry you really are!"

"I have to admit that your way is more efficient, Dad. You've eaten two sandwiches to my one."

"Stephen, I guess I should tell you the real reason I brought you out here. Yes, I value every moment I can spend with you. But that would be rather selfish of me to try to keep you all to myself. My days are wearing down and you have your whole life ahead of you."

"Dad, you're talking like your hour has come. You didn't get any bad news from the Doctor, did you?"

"No, what I'm trying to say is that being a Pastor for all these years and always being around people, has not always made for a happy life. I really do enjoy telling people about God and helping them out, but much of the time it's been a lonesome road for me. I'm thankful that God has allowed me to be your Dad for these past few years. You have honestly given me the happiest moments of my life."

"Thanks Dad, you've made me one of the happiest sons in the world."

"I know you're happy as a son, Stephen; you're so full of love and gratitude. But are you happy as a person? Aside from being a child of God, are you happy as a person?"

"You can see all that?"

"I'm your Dad. The day I became your Dad, I prayed to God that He would give me the insight to be the best dad I could be for you. And I pray that prayer every day. I believe God gives me insight into your needs, whether I personally understand them or not. And lately, I see that a big part of what makes you happy has disappeared."

"Don't we just have to sometimes get over things? Isn't that part of what is called growth and maturity?"

"Some things we do have to get over. Other things we have to explore to know for sure."

"How do we know the difference between that which we should explore and that which we should get over?"

"We shouldn't explore the physically harmful. And we shouldn't explore with the mind those things God would not be pleased with us exploring."

"What things should we get over?"

"Anger is a good thing for a person to get over. Anger usually has to be fed for us not to get over it. Love, in its purest form, on the other hand doesn't need to be fed. It just exists, in and of itself. And I can say with much confidence that I've never seen you angry, Stephen. I'd say your problem is love."

"But I thought love was a solution, not a problem."

"It becomes a problem if we don't understand it. That's where the exploring comes in. Sadly, much of society seems to think exploring is a physical journey. That is what creates so many wrongs in the world. It's an emotional and spiritual journey of the heart. It's hard for some to understand how to pursue something without pursuing it. Respect and restraint are our greatest allies when following the patterns of behavior that God has set before us."

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"I think I understand now. It's sort of like that picture over there." Stephen points to the wall opposite the fireplace. "When we first came in here, I was certain someone had hung that painting upside down. But isn't that what you'd call an abstract painting? And I guess the person who hung the picture obviously perceived that to be the correct side up."

"I agree with you, I believe the picture is hung upside down. Yet, do we really know what was in the artist's heart with each stroke of the brush?"

Stephen sticks a marshmallow onto his forked stick. He holds it away from the flame, carefully toasting it.

Pastor John sticks his marshmallow right into the flame, "You afraid of getting burnt?"

"I don't like the burnt taste much."

"I don't mean the marshmallow. I mean with Ruth. You shouldn't be afraid. Lots of people go about it the way I do with my sandwich. That's the wrong way to go about a relationship. You've got the right style right there. Go about it very slowly and gently, but do go about it. You'll be miserable if you don't. I've seen you. You've held on to the hope of that friendship for years. You can't just let it go now. You probably know Ruth better than anyone, perhaps even better than she knows herself."

"Things have changed. It's just so hard to think it through."

"You mean, it's hard to think it through when she's there and you're here?"

"That does pose a bit of a problem. That and the fact that her parents seem to do everything to hamper her freedoms, like sticking her in the mental institution."

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"Remember, true love doesn't give up. And if it's true, God often doesn't allow us to forget it."

"But what if everything I remember no longer exists. We were just children back then. People grow up and change. We can't mature if we're always chasing after childish things."

"You're right, of course. But I can still see that you don't want to be right. I think you need closure on this one. Maybe you'd just find after all that she had in fact changed. But why let curiosity gnaw away at you. That's why closure is healthy. No need to wonder whether it appears to be real, or if after all, it proves to be unreal. No sense bothering whether positive may not be positive, or whether negative may not be truly negative."

"Thanks for talking with me about it, Dad. I guess I was allowing my self-worth to rely too heavily upon the rejection I was feeling, when really I shouldn't have let circumstances bog me down. I really needed you to talk with me about it, to show me how really immature I am. I think I can move on from here. There are plenty of little girls who have since grown up in the Seattle area, and who haven't lost their youthful innocence, and haven't bought into the world's ways. I can let go of Ruth, and open my eyes to what God has set before me."

"You mean, I helped you get over 'true love' that easily? Well, I guess it's my own fault for meddling. I'll just have to call back Ruth's mom and tell her you're not taking the flight I arranged. Like you said, people do change! But remember, parents are people too."

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Part Six

ENTRY ONE

Mrs. Razohn hears a knock at the door. She fears it may be Roy returning. Lately, he has been into the unexpected, the unpredictable. And he has varied his timing to be sure to throw her off. The only thing she can predict is that it will get worse. She can no longer count on those long days alone. He is likely to pop in at any time, and there is no way for her to escape it, but perhaps there's a way for Ruth.

It will only anger him more if he suspects her plan. That's why she'd called the Pastor, Stephen's Dad, with extreme care. Better go to the door. Makes no sense angering him more. Maybe she can chance a peek out the window first, to see what kind of mood he is in.

But wait, why would he knock on his own door? That doesn't make sense. Yet, what did make sense lately?

Genny sighs deeply. It's not him! It's just some professionally dressed lady, probably a salesperson. No, it's Odelle; that lady from the Department of Mental Health. She had been by two weeks ago. It had been a routine follow-up visit. She had stopped by to see how she and Ruth were doing. And that's when Genny had broken down and cried.

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Genny had needed someone to give her confidence; to help her do what her heart had always wanted her to do. That confidence had come at a time when she was home alone, feeling sorry for her self. That confidence had come in the name of Odelle.

Genny and Ruth had been getting no relief from Roy's angry outbursts and violence. But Odelle had provided some unexpected relief. Odelle was a good listener, but she was obviously more than that. She was someone who genuinely cared. Genny had told her how much worse things had become. And she feared the very worst was yet to come. And then she had cried and cried.

Genny hollers out, "Just a minute please!"

Yes, that was two weeks ago. Odelle had told her to begin to stand up to her husband, be more assertive with him. Genny had since mulled it over and over in her mind. Roy was getting much more abusive towards the both of them, and Genny couldn't imagine how it would become less of a problem by exercising a little assertiveness.

Genny mostly feels terrible for her poor precious little Ruth. Ruth is nearly an adult now, but she is still Genny's precious little girl. And Ruth deserves better than this . . .every child does. This is not a life of their choosing. There is no hope here. Ruth needs an out.

So just last week, Genny had decided to do something about it. She'd gotten in touch with Pastor John's church and was able to talk with Pastor John himself. Now it is all arranged. Stephen will be flying in to meet Ruth tomorrow. Ruth will be so pleasantly surprised.

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Genny hurries to open up the door. This time she won't cry. She is proud of herself for being so assertive. Of course, she hadn't told Roy about it, but nonetheless she had taken the bull by the horns. She is so anxious to tell Odelle all about it.

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ENTRY TWO

"You did what!! I told you to be open and bold! Secrets will just infuriate him!"

Genny had thought she'd done the right thing, but now Odelle was saying she was making it potentially worse for her daughter.

Odelle does not ease up, "Ruth doesn't need friendships to replace Mom . . .she needs Mom!"

Genny is hit hard with more realization of her failures. Odelle was right. Mother's Day was only three days away. What a lousy mom she has been! "What should I do now?"

Odelle breathes deeply, "You've really gotten yourself into a mess. This calls for drastic measures. But most importantly, we have to stay focused. Your daughter's safety comes first. You say this was to be a surprise for Ruth. So, she doesn't know anything about the surprise, right?"

Genny looks at Odelle's intense expression, "Right."

Odelle looks deep into Genny's eyes, "Well, we are going to change the surprise. The surprise is going to be on your husband."

Genny is terrified at this point, "I thought you said surprises would infuriate him?"

Odelle eyes get even more intense, "Well, you've taken this too far. Sometimes we don't have a choice. You need to get out! You need to get your daughter out!"

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Genny needs someone to convince her she'll be safe; that Ruth will be safe, "What do I do?"

Odelle spells it out, "Call Fairlawn Center. Tell them you have an emergency admission. I'll drive you to get Ruth. When we get to her school, I'll do the talking. I've had a lot more experience talking to high school administrators."

"What do I tell Ruth?"

"Don't worry about it! I'll explain to her that it's just standard protocol, a follow-up evaluation, and she'll be out in a few days."

"How am I going to get her out in a few days? How's a few days going to make any difference?"

"I told you, I'll take care of that. What you need to do is get a personal protection order against Roy, so he is unable to have any contact with you or Ruth. And you need to file for divorce, but those papers can wait. Right now, he needs to be served with a personal protection order."

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ENTRY THREE

Genny tries to be strong. She tries not to cry, but a few tears do escape.

Those tears dry though, by the time they pick up Ruth. If nothing else, she needs to be strong for Ruth. As planned, Odelle does all the talking. Poor Ruth doesn't say a thing. She just looks at Mom.

Genny cries inwardly. What a pillar of strength, all in the name of 'Motherhood'. Three days before Mother's Day and she is sending her daughter back to the mental institution.

Genny tries to avoid eye contact with Ruth, but finds it near impossible, "I feel bad that you even have to go back to that place."

"Don't feel bad, Mom. It's not your fault . . .it's just something you have to do."

But Genny does feel badly. How could she not feel badly about lying? Ruth is trying to make it easier on her; and that is actually making it harder. Why couldn't she have been a good mom?

As they arrive at Fairlawn Center, Odelle says she'll wait in the car. She has some phone calls to make. Before they'd picked up Ruth from school, Odelle had said she knew of a place in Metamora where she felt Genny may be safe.

Genny hopes it can be arranged. She takes Ruth to the lobby. She asks that Ruth not attend the admission interview. Her plan is to be as quick as possible.

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Genny's interview is real short. She tells them she is having a nervous breakdown and she will return on a better day to give them more information. It is not difficult to convince them. Genny is, indeed, having a nervous breakdown.

At the conclusion of the brief interview, Genny is asked, "Is there any number we can call if we need to get in touch with you?"

Genny reaches into her purse and hands them a number.

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ENTRY FOUR

It is only a few minutes later that the call comes, "This is Fairlawn Center. Could you please pass this message on to Mrs. Genny Razohn, when she arrives home? I know she just left here, but it is important to know if her daughter, Ruth, is on any present medication. We're sorry we overlooked that; and appreciate you passing the message on."

The secretary who takes the call knows that this is something that Genny would not have wanted Roy to know about. Genny undoubtedly had made a mistake, and gave them this number. And the secretary figures that Genny may not soon realize she'd made the mistake. But knowing things and knowing the significance of them makes the secretary significant to Roy. That is her job, and she is good at capitalizing on others' mistakes.

The secretary calls Roy immediately. And within half an hour, he arrives at Fairlawn Center.

Roy is very assertive. He is not about to be escorted to the unit to see his daughter. He wants to see her in the lobby immediately.

Ruth is surprised to see her dad. But she is not surprised to see the look in his eyes. It is a very familiar look. A look she has had to prepare herself for many times before. As difficult as it is, Ruth tries to disassociate herself from it.

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Roy grabs Ruth by the arm and leads her down the corridor to the exit. The lobby attendant hollers out, "Sir, may I see your pass, please?"

Roy hollers back, "I'll have her back in an hour!"

A doctor who is familiar with Mr. Razohn from Ruth's last stay, quietly tells the lobby attendant, "I'll make out the day pass and sign it."

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ENTRY FIVE

One thing Mr. Razohn doesn't like is lack of respect. He considers himself a man of his word, and does not like anyone to disrespect that. He said he'd bring Ruth back in an hour, and he will.

Mr. Razohn is quite successful with avoiding the authorities. They usually have a certain understanding with him concerning who is the authority or who has jurisdiction in certain areas of business. He has respect for them and he expects them to have respect for him. The line is drawn in the sand, and no one is expected to cross it. Roy doesn't like to be challenged, and he certainly doesn't like to be called an angry and violent man. If anyone accuses him of such, he is known to get violent.

Roy figures it is the accepted world order. Whether it is the world of politics, big business, or religion; you don't challenge them. If you do, your life will usually end up being even more difficult in the long run. It is a tendency difficult to avoid. When an organization gets too large or too comfortable, there is a tendency to develop their own set of standards, of how things should be. And that often makes it extremely difficult to challenge them. Tell them they are greedy, their greed increases. Tell them they're violent, they protest with violence. Absurd, but it often holds true to their nature. And any attempt at revealing the abuse of their power only brings collateral damage.

Roy is furious. Genny had tried to challenge him, but she will never win. He'll get to the bottom of this.

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ENTRY SIX

"Why did your mom bring you here!"

Ruth doesn't want to say the wrong thing, yet when he is angry, anything can be the wrong thing. "Some routine follow-up evaluation."

"Don't act stupid with me! What is she up to?"

Ruth knows full well that honesty is not rewarded. Yet she cannot provide the answer her dad wants. Sometimes he will blast out his anger with many words. But it is more frightening when he doesn't. It is almost like he is building up pressure inside for one big explosion of anger; the raised veins appearing across his brow, his head like a giant pressure cooker.

Her dad gets on his car phone. He speaks two words through gritted teeth that send chills throughout Ruth's entire body, "Find Genny!"

The traffic slows to a stop at a red traffic light. Ruth continues to glance at her dad and the veins on his forehead. In the less congested left lane, a red Mustang with a mattress strapped across its roof moves slowly past. The young driver is outfitted with a black cowboy hat and a tuxedo. His lovely front seat passenger turns her head, sporting a happy smile and a white wedding dress. Two words are painted on the Mustang's back window: 'Just Married'. Several strings of tin cans trail behind.

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Ruth wonders what went wrong between her dad and mom.

Meanwhile, Genny is wondering the same thing as Odelle drives her to a place in Metamora. It is difficult for her to grasp the ideal that they'd loved each other at some point in their marriage. Genny can't stand what her husband has become. She hates the meetings where she has to tag along. She hates the fact that everyone calls Roy, "Viceroy". She hates the fact that he likes the title. But even more, she hates the title they had given her. It was the first time they had placed Ruth in the mental institution. They had called her "G-Mom". Viceroy and G-Mom; Genny hates it. But it will all change now. It is finally over.

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ENTRY SEVEN

Little does she know, it is not over. Genny has no idea that her daughter is about to face the wrath.

Ruth braces herself for the blow. She knows it is coming. Her dad grits his teeth, "For the last time, where is your mom?"

He reaches over and smacks her alongside the head.

Ruth instinctively pulls away to soften the blow, but she had unknowingly braced herself by grabbing the door handle.

The car door swings open, and Ruth falls out of the car.

The traffic light turns green, and Ruth scrambles to her feet, running a couple vehicles ahead, and jumping up on the back bumper of a semi.

Ruth grabs onto the door latch to steady herself as the semi throws the gears to move forward through the traffic light. This throws her off balance. The latch is not locked and gets thrown open as she attempts to regain her balance. But it throws her even more off balance as the huge door swings open, Ruth still holding desperately onto the latch of the swinging door.

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The unlatched door swings open, creating an avalanche of the semi's contents, spilling old tires all over the road.

The Mustang on the left had shifted gears to beat the semi through the light, just missing the cascade of tires. But it doesn't get missed by the swinging door. The momentum is too much for Ruth's grip.

Ruth falls onto the mattress, and holds on with all her strength as she hears within:

Female voice: "What was that?"

Male voice: "That huge door of the semi swung open. It would have hit my Mustang if not for the mattress. Those truckers are a menace to the road!"

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ENTRY EIGHT

A police squad car shows up next door, then another, and another.

Emil slowly makes his way over to the mailbox with his cane. He gets his mail, then tries not to be so nosey, "May I help you, Officers?" Emil could only imagine. He knew the troublesome ways of his neighbor. It is a gross understatement, but he offers it anyway, "Is there any trouble here?"

Before the officers can respond to his question, trouble arrives. Speeding down the dirt road, stirring up dust and gravel, Mr. Razohn arrives on the scene. "What's going on here?"

One officer speaks up, "Your daughter has run away."

Mr. Razohn is angry, "I know that, I was the one who reported her missing! She ran away from me! Did you happen to find her?"

The officer is brief and professional, "No, we didn't."

The veins begin rising across his brow, "Then are you insinuating that I lied! I get it; you believe that I have her!"

Another officer speaks up, "No one is insinuating that, but it is not out of the question. Many times that has been exactly the circumstances."

"That's insane! Why would I draw attention to myself by reporting it to you? I have a question: Who trained you guys in law enforcement anyway?"

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The same officer extends his hand offering a sheet of paper, "Did you know that your wife was getting a personal protection order?"

It's obvious that Mr. Razohn had no idea. He's furious that his wife would challenge him in this way. He knows he can't challenge the police on this issue, so he turns his fury towards Emil, "Did you have something to do with all this?"

Emil doesn't say anything. His cane begins to shake vigorously as he leans heavily upon it.

Suddenly Emil falls to the ground.

Two police officers rush to Emil's side. A third calls for an ambulance. Mr. Razohn is about to argue the fact that they can't prevent him from going inside his own house, but upon seeing Emil collapse, he decides he doesn't want to be around at all. He hops in his car and speeds down the dirt road, stirring up more dust than on his way in.

Another car appears as the dust begins to clear. Stephen parks his rental just as the ambulance arrives. The ambulance personnel quickly begin to attend to Emil. Stephen is stunned by these events. He doesn't know who they are attending to: whether it is Ruth, her mom, her dad, or someone else.

Stephen slowly steps forward to get a bit of a view, when suddenly Emil rises up on one elbow and motions towards Stephen with his other arm, "Wait! Come here!"

Stephen steps forward, and Emil grasps his hand, "I knew you'd come! I knew it! All the way from New York."

Emil looks to the ambulance personnel, "All the way from New York. My daughter came all the way from New York to see me."

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The ambulance personnel smile as they look at each other.

Suddenly Emil looks burdened, "Wait, you're not my daughter!"

Still held within Emil's tight grasp, "My name is Stephen."

Emil lets go of Stephen's hand, then suddenly reaches out and grabs him firmly by the shirt, "Oh, Stephen, I need to tell you something." He pulls on Stephen's shirt to draw him close, whispering, "You'd better not stay around here. I don't think it's safe. I don't know where Ruth is. She ran away. I think you should run too, while you still can."

Suddenly Emil's grip loosens. He releases Stephen's shirt and closes his eyes, leaning back into the arms of the ambulance personnel. They quickly get him into the ambulance and dust and gravel fly once again. 118

ENTRY NINE

Emil's vital signs are stable, and he is resting calmly in his hospital bed.

Emil had showed surprisingly quick improvement, under the care and conversation of his kind nurse Matulevich. "I am off-duty now. I have to go to my other job, but if you need anything just push this button. Not everybody responds right away, but just keep on pushing the button and someone will come."

She kisses him on the forehead before going out the door. Emil thinks what a kind person Matulevich is. She's a real credit to her profession. Without someone to talk to now, Emil begins to get himself worked-up again. He is certain that if Ruth ran away, she would try to come to his house. Emil doesn't want to be in this hospital. He wants to be home, in case Ruth shows up.

Emil pushes the button. He waits.

He pushes the button again. He waits. Still no response.

Emil mumbles to himself, "Some of these people, all of their buttons have been pushed before they even get into work."

Emil grabs his cane, his pants, and his slippers. He walks right past the nursing station. One of the nurses actually looks up, "It's good to see you getting some exercise, Emil."

Emil exercises his legs right out of the building. He hails a taxi ...and is on his way home.

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       ENTRY TEN                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Time progresses to late evening. Ruth trudges through a wooded area to the edge of a field. The backyards to a couple homes approach her in silence. One home is her own. The back door lets her in, then shuts quietly behind her. Her mom's bedroom suddenly encircles her. A full moon provides the only light, illuminating the room.

The dresser is cleared, the bed unmade, and a picture hangs backward on the wall. The room appears to have been abandoned.
Ruth has a vacant look about her. Motionless, she stands in the center of the room as she awakens to the truth being revealed around her. Slowly, she gains courage enough to approach the picture on the wall.    She lifts the picture off the hook and lowers it in her hands. She lowers her head also and slowly turns the picture over. It's a picture of her parents' wedding.

Ruth drops the picture face up on the bed as tears travel down her face. She wipes her eyes, thinking of her own travel plans. A suitcase and a few things from her bedroom and she's ready.

Ruth runs her fingers through her hair to loosen the rough, sweaty knots. Released, the hair falls to her tearful eyes. Suddenly a beacon of light passes through the room. Ruth ducks down. She crawls over to the window and crouches beside it. She fears it may be her dad.

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Ruth shakes in fear. The car lights turn away. It appears to be a taxi stopping next door.

Ruth is convinced that it is Emil as a man hobbles with a cane up the steps, across the porch, and to the door. Ruth eagerly rushes next door, carrying her suitcase up the front steps and across the porch.

She sets her suitcase down. She knocks!

She knocks again! The third time, the door opens.

Emil quickly ushers Ruth inside and shuts the door, "Your dad left several hours ago. He was very angry. I'm sure he'll be back. But I have to tell you, an old friend of yours was by too. He traveled all the way from Seattle."

Ruth is unable to speak for a moment, "Stephen! Where is he now?"

"I knew there'd be trouble. I told him you had run away. I think I told him to run too. Your dad was so mad, I was afraid he'd do something to Stephen."

Ruth can barely contain herself, "What happened then?"

"I think I passed out. Next thing I know, I'm in the hospital. The ambulance came and got me. That's all I need is another bill."

"Are you okay, now? How'd they let you out so soon? I thought they usually hold people for overnight observation?"

"Well, I think they're lacking in the observation department. I just walked out. And you know, I don't walk too fast."

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Suddenly, car lights light up the walls and ceiling. Ruth panics, "It's my dad! Oh no, I left my suitcase on your porch! He'll see the suitcase!"

Emil shuffles quickly with his cane to a cabinet along the wall. With quivering hands, he quickly gets out a huge roll of money, extending it to Ruth. "Here, take this money and get as far away from here as you can. Go to Seattle. Stephen is rather disheartened that you weren't here. Why don't you surprise him and lift his spirit a bit?"

A knock is heard at the front door, and a shadow of a man is seen attempting to peer inside.

"Quick, go out the back door!" The knocking gets louder, as Emil hollers, "Just a minute!"

Emil shuffles to the door and opens it up, "Mr. Razohn . . .what can I do for you? Come on in."

Mr. Razohn comes in and looks about the room suspiciously. Emil quietly closes the door behind him. Mr. Razohn's anger is beginning to quickly build again, if ever it had lowered, "I believe that's Ruth's suitcase on your porch!"

Emil glances out the window as Ruth quickly grabs the suitcase and dashes around the side of the house, "There's a suitcase on my porch?"

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Part Seven

ENTRY ONE

Very late that evening, Ruth waits to board her flight out of Metro Airport. Realizing that those persons you think you know can become like strangers, she actually feels more relaxed surrounded by non-acquaintances.

Ruth gazes about, searching for expressions of comfort in each unfamiliar face. She tries to create her own little story to each, as she perceives them to be. A family of four walk by. The parents motion to their teenage boy and little preschool girl to sit down while they check on their flight. The young boy and his sister find a double-seated chair and sit down. The little girl begins to play with her hair, undoing the tie that most likely her mom had taken much care to put there. All of a sudden, her hair comes undone and flocks to the front. Her brother reaches behind the seat to retrieve the yellow ribbon. He sits his sister on his lap and carefully reties the bow.

Ruth smiles. She also liked yellow ribbon when she was not too much beyond the girl's age. Ruth glances to the other end of the lobby. From the restroom emerges a flashily dressed young lady, still holding a compact mirror to her face as she flicks a lock of hair to the side. She replaces the mirror in the purse draped over her shoulder, then struts to the center of the lobby. She stops to gaze in a nonchalant manner, then focuses on an area to the other side of Ruth.

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Ruth follows this flashy lady's approach as she struts past. She stops short of a seat occupied by a young man, slumped to the side, seemingly asleep, with his arm stretched across the back of the second half of a double-seat. She reaches back into her purse and retrieves a small bottle of perfume. She dabs the perfume behind her ears with elegant style, then promptly sits down beside the young man who is still asleep, his arm now also extending behind her as it remains across the seat.

The young man begins to twitch and wrinkle his nose, jerking his head slightly as he sleeps. The young lady waves the perfume bottle under the young man's nose before recapping it and placing it back in her purse. The young man's entire face stiffens as his head rises. He gets a split second glance at the lady beside him as his hand flashes from behind her, grabbing a handkerchief from his back pocket. Already turned to the side, the handkerchief covers a semi-controlled sneeze.

The young man stands up with his handkerchief still to his nose. He sneezes again and turns back as if to say, "Excuse me".

The lady smiles and gives a little wave with her fingers.

The young man turns back away, rolling his eyes, but not fixing his eyes to the roped off area. The young man trips over the rope, falling to the floor.

Ruth instinctively stands up to see if he's okay, as the dad of the foursome gives him a hand in quickly getting up. The lobby is filled with giggling and smiles, as the flashy young lady laughs outright.

Ruth does not laugh. That too reminds her of a childhood memory. Ruth is filled with childhood memories. That is where she is headed . . . to her childhood memories.

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ENTRY TWO

The morning is brisk, and the sky is clear. Anticipation fills the air.

A pair of sweats, a pair of jogging shoes, a basic warm up, and out the door to begin the trek throughout the neighborhood. The route is familiar, but it's been a long time. It's going to be much more difficult now, perhaps even painful, as returning from an injury usually is.

The pace begins slow, concentrating on every inch of pressure, and measuring each stride and motion. Gradually, a fluid motion is achieved. As a rhythmic pace takes over, the surroundings can be considered. Ahead, the street branches off in two directions. A decision has to be made.

Turning left, the choice leads the long route. The long route is more scenic. The winding boulevard adds pleasure to the invigorating experience. The sun is warming the air, and the oncoming sweat feels good.

Surprisingly, no one seems to be out on this fresh morning. Well, almost no one. Ahead, someone is pedaling a bicycle with a cart behind it.

After moving further ahead, the person gets off his bicycle and reaches into his cart. He carries something to one of the houses.

The spark of curiosity and the challenge of pursuit motivates a lengthened stride. Striding closer, a sign reads, "Happy Mother's Day".

Suddenly, a cramp develops, and all the forgotten pain seems to return---the pain of continuing, the pain of stopping, the pain of slowing down.

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Slowing down, the strain intensifies for a moment, then lessens as the pressure shifts to the stronger side. A healing hand massages the pulsating area, self-assured that a few moments' rest will be sufficient.

Meanwhile, in this brief stationary position, the surroundings begin to take on life again. The cart holds one remaining flower arrangement, which previously kept company with the arrangement held by the young man now ringing the doorbell for the third time.

Standing still much longer will not do any good. The pain won't just disappear. Walking it off seems to be the better solution.

The first steps are the most difficult. Pain eventually develops its own immunity; or often its callousness becomes an adjustment to the pain itself.

The bicycle and cart dart by. Perhaps it's better that way. Even an exchanged glance and a few spoken words are no more than a fleeting moment. Distances are safer.

While knowing forms a callus, the imagination is tender. This attitude would be proven false with an honest look at one's self, but the imagination doesn't lend itself to looking inward for the callused.

Looking onward, the bicycle stops. The young man turns around, "Hi, aren't you Rebekkah Lessert from church?"

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ENTRY THREE

Stephen stops his bicycle at the corner of the playground. He had made his last delivery.

He takes a large roll of yellow ribbon out of the pocket of his windbreaker. He rolls out a certain length, sliding it along the edge of the fence to cut the ribbon.

He takes an unsealed envelope out of the other pocket. He slips the center of the ribbon under the envelope flap and licks it to seal it, before knotting the two ends of the ribbon. Stephen loops the ribbon over the fence with the envelope dangling.

He stands there for a moment as if he is hanging his hopes there, then he gets back on his bicycle to leave.

As he pedals away, the large roll of yellow ribbon falls from his jacket pocket and bounces into his cart, then out of his cart. The end of the ribbon catches the corner of the cart, securing itself as the rest of the roll unravels. The yellow ribbon stretches out in full length behind the cart.

Stephen pedals across the street and up the incline of a driveway to the sidewalk, turning sharply to make the corner. The ribbon slides along the base of a hedge bordering the corner. Catching the thick of the hedge, the ribbon breaks loose from the cart.

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ENTRY FOUR

Just a few moments later, a car pulls off a busy street and parks near the curb. Ruth gets out of the car ...then the car drives off.

Ruth gazes down the street toward her old school playground. It holds some fond memories for her. Ruth holds the end of her cloth necklace in her hand, the one Stephen had given her when they were both children.

She gazes toward the break in the school fence and sees a yellow ribbon dangling from the fence. She hurries to the ribbon as if she were afraid it might disappear at any moment.

Nothing is written on the envelope. Ruth opens it to get to the letter inside. She reads aloud, but softly: "When we were strangers not long ago, And we became friends as we both know, Then you went away, and I often hope and pray, That my friend of yesterday, Would still be a friend today . . . . Today, why are friends ready to let go, Of a love that we should not outgrow? Love, a thing that we should share ---to stop is to not care; The burden we must bear. Think not what could have been; Search for that love again. . . . Again, we pray the Lord will guide us through. Loving God is loving others too. For our sins He surely died. Our Lord we crucified, But still His love survived. Our faith will too be tried . . .so love again."

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Ruth gazes ahead, in wonderment over her discovery.

Suddenly her gaze catches a glimpse of a length of yellow ribbon across the street. She hurries across the street and follows the ribbon leading around the corner.

Thoroughly enwrapped in this adventure, Ruth wants to shout out her joy to the Lord, but upon seeing a church just ahead, she opts to enter for quiet prayer and reflection.

Ruth is filled with nervous excitement. The church service is not for a couple hours, according to the sign. There is just a bicycle and cart out front.

Ruth finds herself opening the church door. From within, a loud male voice echoes throughout the church in prayerful song.

Ruth quietly proceeds up the balcony steps at the side of the church entrance, as she listens to the song:

              "Please lead me to love                                                                                       Away from the life                                   That leads me to sin.
  O keep me in your love, Lord
The One, only true love,                                                                                      And wisdom to know love.                                                                                                                                                                                               When others show their love                           I want to share my love, O Lord,                   With others who share your love.                                                                      For love only lasts                              When rooted in your love, Lord."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         129



Ruth looks down from the balcony. She cannot see the person's face, but she is thankful for that because it means he can't see her either.

He is standing in the middle row of seats by the side aisle. He kneels in prayer.
The prayer completed, he stands up, still facing away from Ruth and sings:

"When we were strangers not long ago,
And we became friends as we both know,
Then you went away, and I often hope and pray,
That my friend of yesterday, Would still be a friend today . . . ."

Meanwhile, Ruth suddenly recognizes the words. She quickly takes the envelope out of her pocket. She seats herself behind an organ which is in the balcony. She sits silently, picking up the melody in her head. Ruth sits poised to accompany him with the next part of the song, but as he attempts the words, emotion chokes off his voice. Ruth courageously sings the next verse, reading it off the letter, accompanying herself on the organ:

"Today, why are friends ready to let go,
Of a love that we should not outgrow?
Love, a thing that we should share ---to stop is to not care;
The burden we must bear.
Think not what could have been;
Search for that love again. . . ."

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He turns around. Ruth is astonished to see that he is the same young man who had the perfume encounter at the airport.

She strikes harder on the organ, beginning with a beautiful introduction to the last verse. This time they sing together as Ruth plays the organ: "Again, we pray the Lord will guide us through Loving God is loving others too For our sins he surely died Our Lord we crucified But still His love survived Our faith will too be tried So love . . . again."

The young man raises his hands and claps in the direction of Ruth, "You have a wonderful gift. That was beautiful . . . .you must have seen the yellow ribbon with my envelope."

"Wait there; I'll be down!"

Ruth runs down the steps and approaches the young man. The young man smiles, "My name is Stephen. It's a real honor and pleasure to meet such a talent as you."

Ruth wants to be looked at as more than a talent. She focuses her eyes on the cloth necklace around Stephen's neck. She pulls the end of her necklace out and holds it in view across her palm. "My name is Ruth."

Stephen gives that look that cannot be described ---the look that is seen when two long lost friends surprisingly meet again. Immediately, they embrace each other with tears of joy. Then for what seems like a very long time they just sit beside each other, holding hands. No words are spoken.

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ENTRY FIVE

Stephen has fallen asleep. Nearly thirty minutes have passed in a sound sleep.

Suddenly, the organ begins to pipe out a loud introductory tune. Stephen's head jerks slightly. His right arm feels slightly numb, so he raises his left hand to cover a yawn. He imagines that he had fallen asleep, with Ruth in the balcony, smiling at him as she plays the organ to arouse him.

Stephen rubs the drowsiness from his eyes, opening them slowly. He looks toward his right arm. Ruth is asleep there against his shoulder, his arm around her.

Stephen raises his eyes to the rows in front of him as the organ continues to play. The rows are packed with people, the entire church filled.

He raises his eyebrows in astonishment, but also in an amusing and non-revealing manner.

Pastor John smiles as he greets the congregation from the pulpit.

Stephen feels slight movement against his right shoulder. Ruth opens her eyes, tilting her head upward with a soft smile and a loving gaze.

Stephen whispers, "I fell asleep too …and I had a wonderful dream."

The beauty of Ruth's innocence and sincerity shines brightly in the twinkle of her eye, "What did you dream about?"

"I dreamt that I ran into my best friend."

"And how was your friend doing?"

"I haven't had a chance to ask until now; you've been asleep this whole time."

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ENTRY SIX

People file out of the church. Pastor John greets Stephen and Ruth briefly, stating he'd like them to join him for lunch at the house, but not to rush. Pastor John would be a while longer . . . and he supposed they would be also, this being their special reunion.

Stephen and Ruth are the only ones remaining in church.

Ruth begins to cry, "I know I'll have to go back there. I'm classified as a runaway. I'm so worried about Mom too. It's been a nightmare for both of us."

"I'm not going to argue the fact, Ruth, of whether it was wrong to run away. All things considered, you were faced with some horrific circumstances. Yet, you didn't really commit a crime. And I don't believe they can legally hold you past 18. Aren't you having your 18th birthday in a couple of months?"

Confused, Ruth just listens. She doesn't know what more to say.

Stephen does the talking, "But I don't want you to leave on that note. Coming all the way here, only to return to a torturous home does not leave much hope. My hope for you, is for every moment of the next couple months to be filled with eager anticipation."

Stephen gets down on one knee, "Will you marry me, Ruth?"

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Part Eight

ENTRY ONE

Stephen is having a difficult time focusing on the upcoming event. Approaching total frustration, he expresses how he feels, "I am responsible for bringing the gospel of Jesus to the people in such a way that they will desire to become Christians; and I can't even stay focused long enough to string my thoughts together."

Pastor John laughs, "Son, I look at you last month and you are organizing everything. You really appeared to have it together and I was proud of you. But I'm proud of you now too. And to be honest, I think you are better off the way you are now. Who wouldn't be distracted? You're getting married next month."

"But marriage isn't supposed to interfere with a person's commitment to the Lord. And I thought that when people plan to get married, it is said of them that they are ready to settle down. I feel the opposite is happening to me."

"Once you get married the settling will take care of itself. Right now, you're in a place where the rest of us have no right to enter in. You're in love."

"But Dad, shouldn't that energize me even more? It's God's love that I plan to bring into my marriage; so why do I feel so out-of-touch? God's love is what it's all about!"

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"Let me say it again. You're in love, Stephen! As you live out your married life, the process reverses itself. Instead of you in love, the love in you will settle you down. And as your Dad, I know you have a lot of love in you; and it's God's love."

"But I felt God had led me to do this event?"

"If so, then this event is about God, not about you!"

Stephen sighs, "You're right! I really messed it up, didn't I?"

"No, Stephen, I don't think you quite get what I'm saying. God's not unhappy with you. You've done a wonderful job. And you can't mess up what God intends to do. God has provided an early return for Harold. You know that Harold is charismatic. He is gifted in the area of speech and he has great stage presence. Harold will do nicely. And you will do well to understand that part of what God intends for you is for you to learn that whatever you do, it's not about your successes or failures; but about the maturity level God wants to bring you to, while revealing to you more about who He is. So, what does this all mean? Learn to step back and watch God do His work. It's not good to always watch others do God's work; but I don't think we have to worry about you on that one, Stephen. You just have to learn to discern when you are to step up to serve God's purpose and when you are to step back to let others serve theirs."

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ENTRY TWO

A crowd gathers at Ruth's old school. Cars are parked all along the streets; every available space being taken.

Men and women, young and old, and children everywhere; all massed together throughout the playground, sitting and lying on lawn chairs and blankets. In the center of the playground is a large open canvas shelter, beneath which is a long table of food and a separate smaller table where Bibles are being handed out. A sound system is set up on the platform area next to the school.

Two doves fly overhead, weaving in flight over the crowd, then finally landing on the platform in front of Hannah.

A child tosses a cake crumb. One dove flies to the crumb and consumes it, while the other flies to the top of the building.

A young African-American man rises up from the crowd, just before the stage, and tosses a football to Hannah.

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Hannah catches the football like a pro. The young man who had thrown the ball, suddenly leaps upon the stage and runs to the opposite end, away from Hannah.

Hannah throws a beautiful spiral, yet the throw appears to be a bit long. The young man leaps off the stage and catches the football in mid-air.

The crowd claps and cheers. He does a little dance before leaping back onto the stage and taking to the microphone: "Hi, my name is Harold. I am thrilled to be here today, to join all of you, and to join Stephen and Hannah. That was a nice catch, wasn't it! When I was a senior in high school, we were State champions!"

Hannah approaches to share the microphone: "That was a class 'D' school."

"We were still State champions! I remember that day so well. I was pumped up, the adrenalin was flowing, and I was ready for the game. When I suited up, I felt like a champion. I just knew we were going to win that game."

"I remember that game too. On the first two possessions your opponent threw two consecutive touchdown passes; one for 60 yards and the other 80. Your team fumbled the snap on the first play of your first possession. On your second possession, you tried to match them by going deep and threw an interception."

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Harold works the crowd, "It's kind of embarrassing when a woman understands football as well as she does. Yes, I have to admit that I was no longer confident that we were going to win the game at that point. But we quickly realized our mistake. Down two touchdowns to none, we made the adjustment on our third possession. We decided to go deep. We went real deep . . . within ourselves. We stopped trying to match what they were doing and we established a ground game. And we won!"

"And what position did you play?"

"I didn't play; I never got off the bench. But that was okay, it was better I concentrate on my studies anyway."

"Did your studies pay off?"

"Sure did! I was soon at the top of all the 'D' students. I lived up to my class 'D' ranking."

"I guess a lot of life is attitude and perspective. If you are class 'D', you may find it difficult competing in class 'A'. And high school is not on the same level as college. And how many collegiate players find they can be successful in the pros?"

"I think we have good talent in this area. I think we could build a pro team that could be competitive. We're talkin' Superbowl. There's been talk of bringing in a professional football and baseball team. We could be at least as competitive as my favorite football team. Maybe make the Superbowl, let's say, in the next 30 years or so."

"Who's you favorite professional football team?" "The Detroit Lions."

Some laugh, some snicker.

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"We are all champs in a much bigger arena if we only use the winning strategy that Harold said his high school team did. You have to establish a ground game. But it's a ground game of a whole different sort. Sometimes we look at life like we're going to be losers, just because the first play or first set of downs go bad. But how can we win if we don't act like champs? Often we don't even know what real winning is. So how do we know when we are winners? The Book of Colossians, chapter 1, verse 23, states: 'If ye continue in the faith grounded and settled, and be not moved away from the hope of the gospel, which ye have heard, . . .' Faith incorporates trust and hope. We can have faith in a football team. We can have hope in that same team. But what is missing, in and of itself, is the avenue for a continued faith and hope in something that has more substance than a fleeting moment. We would never invest our money in something so fragile, so why would we invest our lives in something with less than eternal value? Hebrews, chapter 11, verse 1, states: 'Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Ephesians, chapter 3, verses 17 through 19, state: 'That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, may comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; and to know the love of Christ which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God.' So we must be grounded in the truth of the gospel, the good news, of Christ. And the love is God's love . . .that which we receive and that which we share in return."

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Hannah steps off the stage as Harold walks back and forth with the microphone: "If you've just arrived, welcome to 'So Loved . . .'; and certainly hoping you feel so, or will feel so before you leave today. We have a welcoming table just over there if you haven't already been . . .with some free gifts for everyone. So, what does love actually mean?"

An elderly man uses the free Bible he got from the welcoming table as a plate for stacking his desserts from the snack table.

Harold stops pacing briefly and stands center stage, "Love takes on several different meanings to us all. I may say I love the smell of flowers, I love to go fishing, or I love the taste of chocolate; but when asked to describe love, I wouldn't mention flowers, fishing, or chocolate. Most people would probably describe love as a deep feeling between two people. Sadly, that same definition can apply to hate. And often hate is an emotion which was meant to find love, but was misled. Hate is not natural. Hate is taught; whether it is through deliberate teaching, taught through experience, or through the mere absence of love. Love is taught too. Once it is learned, the absence of it may even create a deeper understanding of it. Consider yourself for a moment in the situation that I'm going to describe . . . did you ever love someone who seldom or never showed love in return, and nothing was ever shared, and it was a mystery whether the person cared or whether your love really ever had an effect upon the person? And did you continue to love that person just the same? As the situation builds, did you ever love someone who laughed at the thought, ridiculed you, or did things to hurt you; totally ignoring the love that you showed?"

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Children move about on the playground apparatuses.

A young boy is perched on top of the monkey bars. He waves a toy doll in his hand as a younger girl jumps up and down beneath, reaching for the doll, then falling down.

"And did you continue to show love and concern for that person, allowing time for that person to understand and hopefully accept the love for what it was meant to be? And would you continue for that person's entire life on earth, showing your love when it is never truly met nor realized, with years passing by without a sign nor even a hint of a possible change towards acceptance? . . . Well, if you begin to understand the depth of this type of love, then perhaps you can begin to appreciate the love that our Lord Jesus Christ has for us. It is an unconditional type of love. A love we are totally undeserving of. Love exists whether we accept it or not. It just doesn't exist within us unless we accept it. And if it doesn't exist within us, then we do not exist with it. Consider existing for eternity without it. No, I would not recommend that! Consider existing for eternity with Jesus."

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Hannah returns to the stage, Harold handing her the microphone, "I am honored to announce that Harold and I aim to get married in less than two months."

Everyone claps!

"I'm going to say a thing or two about marriage. A common complaint amongst mostly Christian men is that their wives don't submit to them. The wives complain, in return, that their husbands don't love them. To take it a bit further, the husbands persist with the claim that the wife will not only not submit to him, but she insists that he prove his love ---part of which involves him submitting to her. Or the wife says she doesn't want to submit to her husband's leadership because he is a poor leader and is not upholding his part of the partnership."

A young boy and girl position themselves on a teeter- totter. The young boy quickly lowers his end, resting on the ground, while the girl sits in the air on the now raised end. The young girl bounces up and down, attempting to lower herself or convince the young boy to let her down. The young boy maintains his position.

"The husband and wife may both look to Biblical principals to a degree, but we can't separate a few words or a couple verses, subject to our own interpretation, from the total teachings of the Bible. The Book of Ephesians, chapter five, says much more about married couples, perhaps more than many of us want to hear."

Stephen walks onto the stage carrying two stools and a Bible under his arm. He hands the Bible to Hannah as she and Harold both sit down.

Hannah opens her Bible and reads: "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting ourselves one to another in the fear of God."

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Harold leans over to take the microphone, "Shame on us that non-Christians often do better than Christians with submitting one to another, but what they are missing is the fear of God. There is usually no desire to follow any guideline or correct standard."

A wife tries to open a small package of mixed nuts. She breaks a fingernail. She tries to rip it open by clenching her teeth.

"Desiring to love one another is a direct product of a shared submission to God, a true desire to lovingly help each other through any and all of life's circumstances . . . where one person's weakness may be complimented by the other's strength."

Without success, the wife hands the package to her husband, who attempts to tear the package open by the strength of his fingers. Struggling, he decides to re-grip the package and pull harder. Suddenly the package bursts open, nuts flying all over. The husband glances over at his wife, who is smiling. They both laugh. The wife picks up a cashew and pops it in her husband's mouth, then kisses him.

"Your love for each other will be greater if you both are bound by the greatest love; that of God. And by studying His teachings we can learn the ways most pleasing to our Lord. Understanding the author of relationships is key to making our marriage last. There is often more loyalty towards a favorite sports team. How many of you stick with your team through thick and thin, but give up hope when you tire of your spouse? How would you feel if God just got tired of us? "

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Couples begin to silently move closer together. Sensing the closeness, children then also draw near their parents.

"If differences in viewpoint develop in your marriage, help each other understand the feelings behind each viewpoint. Accept and respect one another. Take advice as loving advice, even though you may think it is incorrect. Always in love, be very forgiving of each other. Don't become independent because of differences, but rather help each other to maintain. Those who claim to be independent are also placing themselves as independent of God. If we love one another, God dwells in us. One John, chapter four states: 'Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and everyone that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God."

A young couple sits on a pair of swings beside each other, their hands joined together as they slowly swing back and forth together.

"Young men and women, you will be making many major decisions in your lives, but the most important decision should be to accept Christ into your lives and commit your lives to Him. Many of you have accepted each other's friendships, and some have committed your lives to marriage. The bond of marriage is love; and true love is of God. Without God, there is no true love, and without true love the bond of marriage may weaken; so I beg of you, now is the time to gather the strength, not just for your marriage, but also for your own sake . . .the bride of Christ. Accept Christ and commit to Him."

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There are several tables off to the side where counselors are busy talking with people, many who have their heads bowed in prayer.

Hannah moves her stool closer to Harold, "I have something to say about Harold. This is truly the man God has chosen for me. After we get married, we aren't going on the standard trip that most of you would call a honeymoon. Our trip will be postponed for a month. Harold and I plan on heading up a marriage seminar through Labor Day weekend. Then when many of you will be returning back to school, Harold and I will be taking our trip."

Harold leans over, Hannah holding the microphone for him, "But it won't be a honeymoon. We are joining some friends in New Tribes Missions in Indonesia. Basically, that won't leave much time for honey and me. We will be leading others to Christ and telling of a different kind of marriage ---the marriage of the Lamb."


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Hannah sits up straight, "It's a beautiful thing; the potential out there. Working in the mission field, we don't know how the people will respond. Many of them have never heard of the gospel of Christ before. Many are grounded in their own traditions and beliefs. But somehow it is often easier to tell them about Christ than it is our next door neighbor. That's a sad fact, yet the reality is that for many of you that may be your only opportunity to witness. And it may be their opportunity to hear the message in a way that might be just slightly different than the time before that they heard it. Often you don't really know whether what you say has an impact or not, but continue to be a testimony to others."

Hannah plays her guitar and sings:

"Do the birds in the wilderness, not heard, stop singing their songs?
Do the birds in the city, not heard through that noise, move along?
Do the leaves in the wilderness, in the autumn, stop turning their colorful array?
Do the leaves in the city, in the autumn behind the billboards, just stay?"

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"No, the birds still sing and the leaves still turn for our Lord. And yes we should sing and ourselves turn unto the Lord, our God. For whether the beauty of our hearts can be seen or heard by the world, Our Lord hears our song and sees our colorful ways. And whether rejected for who we are, or see or say, by the eyes and ears of the world, Only our Lord God knows our heart and what love of His we accept today."

Another bird flies past and perches for a moment in a nearby tree before spreading its wings and soaring against the sky.

Harold joins Hannah at the microphone and they sing together: "What good are words that are left unspoken and messages that we keep inside; What are we to witness to, is it the trees or the skies? O Christians listen, we should witness to one another; In Jesus' name we are sister and brother, So in His name we give thanksgiving And carry on our Christian living."

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Harold takes the microphone, "I don't know quite what to say. This is a little embarrassing. We've told you a little about what's going on in my life and in Hannah's, but we've neglected to formally introduce to you the young man who has made this all possible. But first, before we get him up here, let me tell you a little something about him. Stephen is too humble to talk about himself, so I will take liberty to tell you about Stephen. I want to tell you something about him that probably none of you know. Well, I don't have to tell you. Let me say, I want to tell you. Well, maybe I don't want to tell you."

Hannah grabs the microphone, "I'm a bit disturbed by the looks on so many of your faces. Many of you haven't appeared to be too attentive up until now; and now you've perked up when Harold says he wants to tell you something about Stephen that probably none of you know. We've said so many wonderful things and up until now many of you haven't appeared too interested, so I suspect the something you think Harold may say is some bit of gossip . . .perhaps something even rather disturbing."

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Harold puts his arm around Hannah and leans to the microphone, "I apologize to all of you! We have to constantly battle the temptation to talk about others in a way that we shouldn't. I'm sorry, Hannah. I'm about to commit to leading in our marriage and now I've let you down. And I apologize, Stephen, I just won't mention it."

Hannah puts her arm around Harold, "It's okay, Harold. We all fall into temptation. I'm not marrying you because I think you are perfect. The important thing is that you are the type of leader who can always turn back to what is right when you falter. And I want you to lead me in our marriage. Besides, have you forgotten what you've told everyone about marriage? When God leads us, it's a shared leading. And God's truth is what brings us to discern how we will speak and act . . .or form apologies."

"But wait! The truth also is that I got carried away with all this talk and honestly I wasn't going to say anything disturbing about Stephen. It isn't disturbing really . . . it's just a bit disgusting. Not a lot, just a bit."

"Harold!"

"I'm not going to say it, Hannah! I know I shouldn't be talking about a friend that way, especially since we're trying to talk about the proper Christian walk."

"All that aside, just the fact that you mentioned the word 'disgusting' …I've noticed that some of the people here are looking like they still want to hear it."

Stephen stands up in the crowd, "Go ahead, you have my permission to tell them!"

"Are you sure? They may think it's even more disgusting than I do."

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"You have my permission to tell it all."

"Okay then, but I still feel a little uncomfortable about it. I guess I shouldn't be really. If George Washington Carver were alive today, he may be a bit proud of Stephen, so I guess I can be too. That's right! I'm proud to say that Stephen . . . ."

Hannah grabs the microphone away from Harold, "We'll discuss this later! But in the meantime we have the responsibility to be respectful!"

Harold leans over Hannah's shoulder, "I am being respectful. Stephen said it was okay that I mention that he puts peanut butter on everything!"

Laughter is heard throughout.

A few holler out, "That's disgusting!"

Harold defends his friend, "No, it's not really disgusting. In fact, it's the spirit that drove George Washington Carver to come up with all those uses for a simple legume."

"I guess you're right, Harold. Many people consider 'ants-on-a log' a classic treat, especially for children. It's an inventive way to get a child to eat healthy: peanut butter on celery, dotted with raisins."

"How about a peanut butter sandwich with sliced bananas on it?"

"Yes, I've heard of that one too."

"And peanut butter sandwich with bacon!"

"Well, I've never heard of that one before."

"Let's see a raise of hands on that one. Okay, not as popular as the peanut butter and banana sandwich, but at least a dozen people raised their hands."

"Okay, Harold, you may convince me to try that one."

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"Now for Stephen's real winner: just imagine, . . mixing peanut butter with spaghetti and tomato sauce, throw in a few dill pickles…."

The crowd responds in unison, "That's disgusting!"

"Wait! People laughed at George Washington Carver too. Just imagine, with just the right combinations, suppose Stephen's concoction just happened to cure the common cold."

Hannah laughs, "I think I'd rather endure the cold, than having to keep down the peanut butter and tomato sauce concoction."

"But if the cold got bad enough, perhaps you'd not be laughing anymore and you'd maybe even want to try the concoction."

"Peanut butter with spaghetti sauce and dill pickles! What would my friends say?"

"I thought I was your best friend?"

"You are! But, I mean, my family . . .what would they think? And how about your family? Your family is fussy about things like that. I wouldn't want it to get in the way of our marriage. Sort of a sticky situation, I think."

"I sort of see your point. It would score low on most people's credibility chart. But just the same, if a family member continues to suffer week after week, I would definitely feel the urge to tell them, irregardless of how stubborn I feel they may be."

"What an impact it would have if I had a terrible cold, then the next day I visited and I was all well? Would they still give me the typical: "Oh, well!"? If they could see that it works, wouldn't they be grateful that I shared it with them?"

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"But we're not talking about the common cold here. And many of us are not all well the next day. We still struggle. The difference is that we have a new hope and purpose. We're not perfect, we just see life through the perspective of the One who is. We are still the peanut butter, dill pickles, and tomato sauce."

"Oh, I get it! Peanut butter is healthy for you. It sticks together, just like it is healthy for us to do. And the sauce is a blend. We all need to blend together for a savory flavor. And the dill is, well, just distinctly different. We all have certain aspects about us that make us like dill."

"And God puts us together, not to put a bad taste in our mouth, but for us to heal. But we can't heal unless we understand why God put us together . . . and how He wants to put us together for eternity."

"Harold?"

"Yes?"

"Weren't we going to formally introduce Stephen? I know that we've went way out there, but we said we were going to introduce him and I think we still should."

"You don't think he's left yet, do you?"

"No, I think that's him over there, eating a sandwich."

"You're right, I think that is him. I can tell by the size of his bites. There, he's finished now. But seriously now, I think we've kidded enough at Stephen's expense. You won't find a person with a better sense of humor than Stephen. It has been a real pleasure working with him these past couple weeks. So, without further delay, here's the person responsible for making this all possible. Let's give a big hand to Stephen!"

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Everyone claps as Stephen steps onto the stage. Then as Stephen takes the microphone, they continue to clap along with Harold and Hannah.

As Harold and Hannah leave the stage, Harold waves his hands up in the air, motioning to the crowd. The crowd responds in kind, giving Stephen a standing ovation.

Stephen waits for the clapping to slow a bit, "Thank you, thank you all for being such a wonderful group. What a pleasure it is to live in such a wonderful community. And thank you Harold and Hannah. That was some introduction! But I have to correct one thing. I am not the one who made this all possible. God made this all possible. And He made this all possible by touching each and every one of your lives. I thank you all for this wonderfully shared moment."

Stephen sits down on one of the stools, "God touches our lives individually and uniquely. He makes an impact upon us, measured according to where we are with Him in our lives."

Stephen points out into the crowd, "You have a wonderfully cute little girl there. I heard her as she pointed at me, calling me the 'peanut butter man'. That's very cute, …I could even tell you the name brands of my favorites, but I don't want to promote nor jeopardize the sales of any particular brand. Furthermore, it's not really important who I am, or what I'm recognized for. Parents, you have the responsibility to instill in your children who you are! It's who you are in their minds that's important. It will influence who they realize they are. Make sure that they remember the joy they feel today, and what's behind the joy they feel today. It's not about me, and it's not about you. It's about Him! And hopefully your children will recognize themselves as God's children."   153

Stephen stands up, and begins to walk back and forth slowly. "God wants us to have joy together, but that joy should be inclusive of glorifying Him. My Dad told me, many of you know Pastor John, that giving God the glory means giving 'correct estimate' of who He is. I thought about those two words and it seems that if we already know what is correct about God, then it's no longer an estimate. The Bible, the Word of God, is true . . .it is not an estimate."

Stephen picks up the Bible from the stool beside him and holds it up, "So, if something is already correct, we don't add to it or subtract from it. When we read the Word of God, it is healthy to attempt to apply what we read. As we meditate on God's Word, our minds may come to several conclusions with the various applications to our lives. But we must be careful to discern whether we joyfully give our own personal testimony or give opportunity to preach our circumstances, as if our personal experience was meant to be a public one to apply to all. The Bible gives us enough experience-wise to share. That should in no-wise mean that we should abandon our testimony. We should continue to share our experiences. We should continue to listen to the experiences of our elders, as our elders are sensitive to listen to us. We shouldn't dash anyone. We just politely point out what it says in the Bible."

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Stephen stands up on the stool as if rising in stature, "If I felt I had the wisdom of Solomon to dispense on the people, it would be of no benefit. Solomon's wisdom was precisely what was needed for that time and we are to read of that wisdom, realizing that wisdom does not diminish; it is for this time also. But Solomon's wisdom does not come close to the wisdom dispensed to us today through the Holy Spirit. The truth is, the wisdom that is dispensed to us through the Holy Spirit, usually is not something we would stand up and talk about."

Stephen sits on the floor of the stage between the two stools, "That's because it is often humiliating. Humble is a good thing. Being convicted in our heart is better than not being convicted. But many make mention of what the Holy Spirit is putting on their heart and it’s a prideful thing. There should be caution there, because there is no conflict within the Holy Spirit."

Stephen sits back on the stool, "But if it is the joy of telling what the Holy Spirit put on your heart and not a prideful thing, then it is the beauty of sharing. With all that said, if you still only remember me as the 'peanut butter man', then think of a mix of Jif and Skippy, to get J.I.F.F.Y., Jesus Is Forever For You."

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Part Nine

ENTRY ONE

Stephen's mom feels it's taken too many years. But she feels part of it might have been her fault. She had retarded her own recovery. The emotional torment that goes along with trying to figure out why anyone would make her go through what she'd had to endure, and furthermore, why God had allowed it . . .all contributed to crippling her recovery.

The drugs she'd been given were deliberate. It was not a quick process to cleanse her system of the drug's crippling effect, but that shouldn't have taken more than a couple years. She has no excuse beyond that.

She is in fairly good physical health now, and completing the broadcasting school has helped boost her confidence. But still she has not really healed on the inside. She faults herself for being too weak. She had always been too weak. It was her weakness that had brought her and Rich together in the first place.

But what good is it to keep focusing on Rich and the past? Rich isn't even alive, and does it really matter how Rich had felt about her? What matters is the son they'd brought into the world that continues to be a blessing to her heart. This truth she has to continue to remind herself of . . . because the other part of the truth is that she knows she is still harboring unforgiveness towards Rich; and how healthy is it to hold onto something you can never discuss nor reconcile because the person is no longer alive?

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Or does this bring her full circle back to God, where she really needs to reconcile? The bookmark in the Book of Romans, chapter five, where she had been reading last evening, shows much to remind her of the extent of that reconciliation:

". . .in that, while we were yet sinners, Jesus died for us . . .and we were reconciled to God by the death of His Son."

George had been there with her through it all. He had guided her through her physical healing. He had also tried to assist with her emotional healing, yet that proved to be by far the most difficult. George had told her that he believed the Doctor and his assistant were acting on their own---that the Tressel family, both Rich and his parents, knew nothing about it.

Yet, how could she be sure that was true? After all, Rich had been unfaithful to her. But none of them were alive, so what difference did it make?

What did make a difference was that George was a real friend, and he was trying to make it easy on her. And he also guaranteed that he'd find that Doctor who was behind it all. "Why don't you ask if you can fly to Michigan with Stephen?"

George can tell how concerned Stephen's mom is. As usual, he responds as the voice of reason, "I know you get nervous each time he does something on his own, but you know how independent he is. He's been doing things pretty much on his own for years now. Other children his age are shipping off to war. Stephen's number is A-1; what would you do if his number came up?"

"I'd pray like I do now! That Viet Nam mess is its own nightmare. I kind of guess I was hoping that God feels I've been through enough . . .and that his number won't come up."

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"You know, Pastor John had already offered to go with him."

"I know, I know . . .but he's too independent, or so I've been told. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that Ruth's dad confronted him the last time he was out there. What if there's trouble again?"

"I don't think Stephen is a stranger to trouble. For all he's been through, he's been rather resilient."

Stephen's mom feels a bit hurt, as naturally most moms would be. She wishes he'd be a bit more dependent . . .perhaps she'd find it easier to get back into his life if she felt he needed her. "Stephen is not as independent as you make him out to be."

"I know he is a well-balanced young man. He's independent as far as standing up on his own, but he can only do that because of how dependent he is."

"That kind of doesn't make any sense, George, but I think I understand. He's independent as far as standing on his own because of how dependent he is on God."

"Pastor John says this is a journey of his heart; something he must do. There's a saying he says he does not agree with: 'All is fair in love and war'. And he's thankful this is not war."

At least she could attend her son's wedding. She was looking forward to that! Stephen wouldn't know her as his mom, but at least she could witness the marriage and their life together throughout the coming years. She felt sorry for Ruth's mom. Genny would possibly never see her daughter again. It was all wrong! But perhaps Stephen and Ruth could start over . . .and make it all right, as long as everyone stayed out of it.

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ENTRY TWO

The thought of possibly never seeing her daughter again was weighing heavy upon Genny. She wandered past the small bridal shop in Metamora. She dreamed of how it could have been.

Genny wanted to be there for her daughter on her special day, but she knew she couldn't be. It was her own fault. She had failed Ruth. She could have made every day special for Ruth, but she hadn't.

Genny wondered what kind of life Ruth would have with Stephen. Would Stephen be faithful?

What happens to pure innocent love? Ten years ago, when Stephen had joined them on that picnic, he and Ruth had looked at each other with true love. But they were both young school kids at that time and had found love for the first time . . . in each other. But what happens to true love when it is forced to grow up? Does it cease to be true love, or does it challenge us to find new parameters for it?

Is that what happened to her and Roy? Genny couldn't bear to think of it. Could Stephen and Ruth turn out like her and Roy had? What was Stephen really like? Her only image of him was ten years ago as a child. Age has a way of spoiling dreams. It's how dreams are put to the test.

For certain, Genny couldn't be sure what kind of young man Stephen had become; but she was certain that Ruth no longer had a life here in Michigan. Ruth deserved a chance at life. And a life with Stephen was as good of chance as any.

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Genny had filed a personal protection order against Roy. Roy is not to go near her or Ruth. But Genny still fears Roy. Is there any real protection against Roy? She will probably live the rest of her life in fear of him.

Roy would probably stay away from Fairlawn Center. He was not stupid! No sense giving them reason to haul him in. But as for herself, Genny felt it best to stay hidden in Metamora.

Genny had sent Ruth a letter, explaining it all to her. Ruth would be turning eighteen, and she'd be released on her birthday. Genny had signed papers that said Stephen could pick her up on that day. Stephen was to take her to Seattle with him and they'd get married.

Genny had said in the letter that she would not be seeing Ruth again; that it was for Ruth's protection and her own. Genny only trusted Odelle at this time. Odelle was taking care of her. Odelle was wise.

Genny had Odelle deliver the letter to Fairlawn Center, so there would be no way it could be known where she was hiding out. She feared not only Roy, but she also feared the love her daughter had for her. Ruth may want to run to her. That would be unwise. Genny would not allow her daughter that option. The only option for Ruth is to get away. Ruth needs a chance in life . . .a new life. She'd have that in Seattle with Stephen.

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ENTRY THREE

Genny had Odelle deliver the package to Fairlawn Center just yesterday. It had a birthday card with it. The package was a gift Genny had picked up at the bridal shop; for Ruth's wedding day.

Genny feels she'd made the mistake of trying to make herself a part of her daughter's wedding day. She should have stayed out of it. But now it is haunting her even more. The worst part of it is her concern about Stephen. Her greatest hope is that he hasn't changed.

Against her better judgment, Genny drives to Metro Airport. She wants to see what Stephen looks like and what he's grown up to be. She wants to see the mannerisms of the one who will soon be her daughter's caretaker.

Genny hadn't thought it out well. How will she know which one is Stephen?

Genny moves quickly down the hall as the passengers get off the plane. She dials one of the phones near the restrooms, and connects with the desk attendant, stating it's an emergency. They page Stephen; and when he receives the phone from the attendant, she hangs up.

Stephen is a handsome young man; and more importantly, polite. He smiles and talks to the attendant for a bit.

Genny follows at a distance. Stephen holds the door for an elderly lady. This gives Genny a bit of peace. She is glad now that she had decided to come.

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Genny thinks of the horrible life she has. She thinks of the horrible life she'd given Ruth. But it will be different now for Ruth. And Ruth deserves a fresh start.

Ruth always tries so hard. She has such a sweet spirit about her. It is good that she'll be with someone who can appreciate her.

Stephen goes to the rent-a-car, so Genny has time to get her own vehicle. As she waits, she imagines Ruth walking up the aisle. Now that she's seen Stephen, she has a face to add to her dream.

She recalls her own wedding day. What had gone so wrong? Actually, she didn't really know. She can only hope things will be different for Ruth. Who can really tell?

But at least Ruth deserves her chance at it.

Genny wants to follow a bit further. But then she follows a lot further. She has not had much freedom lately. She had not left the Metamora area. It is nice to be out on the open road again. She will turn off soon. It isn't too much further to Fairlawn Center.

She is about to turn her daughter over to Stephen. It has been a long time since she'd felt good about doing something; that she felt was the right thing. Stephen seems not to have changed much. He is the same polite, caring young man. The fact that he'd written her all these years shows real commitment.

He is a good driver too. But someone else isn't! Cut her off, and could have driven her off the road!

Genny glances over. It's Roy!

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Genny would usually feel like crying, but this time she is just mad. All those good thoughts and now he is trying to ruin her day again. But worse yet, he is trying to ruin Ruth's day!

Genny surprises herself . . .suddenly wanting to stand up to Roy. She doesn't know how smart that will be, but she doesn't care. She is mad! She'll give him a little of what he's not used to.

Genny hits the gas hard, passing Stephen and crossing the center line to pass a semi-truck.

Roy responds in kind, passing Stephen.

Genny looks in her rearview mirror. That is what she wanted him to do. She'd lead him on a chase away from Stephen.

But then something happens that Genny hadn't bargained for . . .the typical pattern with Roy. As Roy crosses the center line to pass the semi-truck too, the oncoming traffic doesn't afford much room with both lanes occupied, one with a huge tanker truck.

Roy holds firm his position. The driver of the tanker truck turns his wheel slightly to help accommodate the squeeze, but he compensates a bit too much. The tanker truck clips the guard rail and jack-knifes, smashing into the back side of Stephen's car.

Genny doesn't have to worry about losing Roy. Roy won't go near any scene, whether accident or crime. Genny turns her car around immediately. She will be the first one at the accident scene and can perhaps save a life, preferably both lives, but especially Ruth's husband-to-be.

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There is an explosion! Both vehicles go up in flames.

Genny is the first to exit her car as other vehicles are beginning to stop.

Genny is in full panic, but she must respond. Quickly assessing the crisis, she sees that both Stephen and the truck driver had been thrown clear of their vehicles. One body is lying face down in the water, the other still ablaze near the water's edge.

A mom and her three young children arrive to help.

Genny quickly pulls the one body out of the water near an abandoned fishing pole and bait bucket. She uses the bucket to throw water on the other burning body, though not very effective against the gasoline fire.

A young gentleman arrives next, "I called an ambulance. It's on the way."

Genny, having been first on scene, and the only one to have actually witnessed the accident; talks to the ambulance personnel and the police when they arrive.

The one who had landed in the water was to be transported by ambulance to Pontiac General Hospital, but the one that Genny identified as Stephen was badly burned, and would be flown by helicopter to Ann Arbor. Genny is so shook-up …she doesn't know what to do.

This is horrifying! Poor Ruth . . .poor, poor Ruth! When Genny arrives at Fairlawn Center, she sees Ruth waiting eagerly in the lobby. But Ruth doesn't see her yet.

She has to make this one phone call first. Genny trembles furiously as she dials the number.

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ENTRY FOUR

Stephen's mom had been relying exclusively on George's expertise and that of the Olitz family in New York. The Olitz boys were very reputable financial managers. Stephen's mom was getting more involved in the company, but didn't want to fix what wasn't broken. She was also happy with the way Stephen was aware of the great Tressel wealth, but wasn't that interested in it either.

Stephen had told George that he was content with the Olitz management team. He didn't seem that concerned with the investments of the Tressel Empire either. He was focused more on God's work and that investment . . .and of course, also focused on Ruth, whom he felt God was directing him to go into partnership with.

Of course, Stephen's mom knew her son was not aware that she was even alive. He could not know of the relief she felt in knowing that the wealth was of no interest to him. Wealth was just a distraction, and would be certain to bring more trouble. But Stephen's mom smiled as she thought of the soon-to-be marriage between Stephen and Ruth.

Adam Tressel had wanted to invest more time in training his son . . .and some day turn the empire over to Rich. As a wedding gift to her and Rich, Adam had given them a small branch of a company named R & S Corporation, the initials standing for Rich and Sarah. Now she imagined it as Ruth and Stephen. Stephen wouldn't mind a bit that Ruth's name come first.

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Enough daydreaming for today. It is time to focus on the new job she had begun last week. George had just recently purchased a broadcasting company in the Seattle area; an investment that Stephen's mom showed rather uncharacteristic interest in. George had laughed when she'd said she might be interested in a broadcasting job. But he was quick to recover, as not to offend her. In all honesty, George had admitted she has a good voice, is well-informed, and intelligent. And she is certainly attractive.

Every time she thought of this it made her blush. She wanted to get the job on her own merit, but would prefer being chosen more for her intellectual talents than her good looks. And she is also aware of the fact that the wealthiest woman on earth can have any job she wants. But she wanted to get the job merely because she is the best, not the wealthiest. George had also insisted he'd not interfered by tipping them off that she is a good friend of his. This made her feel rather good . . .a rare case of personal accomplishment for her.

She is going through the news briefs, organizing them, and looking over some recent developments on the national scene; about to go on the air in a few minutes, when the big news item comes in.

She doesn't even say anything to anyone at the studio. She just walks off the set.

George gets the call to meet her at the airport. She tells him to hold the flight until she gets there. Her son is in extreme critical condition.

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ENTRY FIVE

Stephen's mom is a complete wreck by the time she arrives at the airport. But the long flight will provide time to gain her composure. She has to be strong for her son.

Every turn in the road, every intersection, every traffic light in Ann Arbor seemed to take forever. Now the elevator seems to be taking forever to arrive. She looks around to locate the exit signs, finding the area marked 'Stairs'.

She is about to dash to the stairwell when the elevator bell indicates that it has arrived. In her frantic state, she rushes onto the elevator before those on the elevator have a chance to exit.

She bumps into a lady, knocking her purse out of her hand. The lady does not look up as she quickly retrieves her purse, nor does she acknowledge the apology. The other person exiting the elevator, a Doctor in hospital scrubs, looks her right in the eye and smiles.

All her composure melts away as she arrives on the second floor and stands helpless before his severely burned body. Torrents of tears fall, and she screams forth with gasping whispers, "My son, my son, oh God, what has happened to my son!"

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Genny stands off to the side as a silent witness. It made no sense to her, but lately nothing did. The crazier it seemed the more believable it was at this point. Genny was just thankful that Ruth was not here to hear the craziness.

Ruth had been a complete wreck herself. She had not left his side until now. Genny was thankful Odelle had arrived. It provided some security and comfort for Genny. Odelle said things would be okay, and Genny believed her.

Genny feels it's best she have this conversation before Odelle and Ruth return from the bathroom. She doesn't want Ruth to hear it.

Genny rests a comforting hand on the shoulder of Stephen's mom, "I'm Genny Razohn, Ruth's mom."

"I'm Stephen's mom . . .I know you probably don't believe me, but it's true. Years ago someone came very close to ending my life, and went to great lengths to pretend they had." She could barely get the words out through the tears, yet what words did get out she was certain made no sense to Genny.

Genny just stares, not knowing what to believe.

Wait! It was worth a try. "Did Ruth ever tell you the necklace story?"

Genny reaches into her pocket and pulls out a necklace, "Yes, I know the story. This necklace was at the accident scene beside Stephen's body. Ruth has one around her neck. She never takes it off."

"And Stephen had given his mom the third one." Stephen's mom pulls it out in view from within her shirt.

Genny's eyes light up, "I have to tell you something. But don't tell anyone or we might all die. Promise you won't tell anyone!"

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ENTRY SIX

Stephen's mom had listened to Genny's story. It was also unbelievable, yet believable. There was yet one question she had to ask, "Did you tell anyone else about this?"

Genny sees no relevance, yet answers, "Just before I picked up Ruth. I called Odelle."

Stephen's mom begins to panic again, "Who is Odelle?"

"Oh, not to worry, she's a very nice lady. She's a case worker. She's been working with Ruth and me."

Stephen's mom fails to hide the urgency in her voice, "Where is Ruth?"

"The bathroom on this floor is out of order, so Odelle took her to another floor. I imagine they'll be back soon."

Stephen's mom can't wait! She imagines they won't be back soon. She rushes to the elevator, arriving just as the last person gets off.

She pushes the first floor button. As the door closes, she sees a visitor pass on the floor at the back of the elevator. She vaguely remembers it being there from when she had bumped into the lady on the elevator. She picks it up to read it, then gets furious as she notices the elevator is going up.

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As the elevator door opens up on the third floor, a mother slowly herds her five small children onto the elevator.

Meanwhile, just outside the elevator, an elderly patient is creating a stir with his loud protests about being kicked out of his bed because of some young thing. The elderly man is pacing back and forth, with his hospital gown tied loosely in back.

The nurses seem amused by his grumblings and tease, "What's your girl's name?"

As the elevator door closes, the elderly man's voice of disgust hollers out, "Beefalo . . . but she's not my girl! You know who my girl is!"

It doesn't click in her head until she reaches the first floor. She doesn't get off the elevator. She must get to the third floor immediately!

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Part Ten

ENTRY ONE

Stephen's mom had asked to be connected with the top person in hospital administration. She felt the word 'lawsuit' would give her the response she desired.

She waits for her response. The administrator has no problem expressing herself over the phone, "If we were to hire top security like you'd expect the President of the United States to get, no one would be able to afford health care. I feel terrible about what happened, but to be an effective administrator it's like trying to live out the serenity prayer. Each moment of each day I must believe I can make a difference and have the courage to do so. But equally important, I must also not burden myself and the rest of the hospital with things we cannot change. What I can do for you is add extra hospital security through the weekend."

Stephen's mom doesn't show any restraint of her anger, "So what is it that you feel is a burden to yourself and the hospital that you cannot change?"

The administrator is rather blunt, "I can't change the attitudes of people like you who seem to insist on focusing on the bad that happens, not the tremendous good that we do."

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ENTRY TWO

Ruth is taken to St. Joseph Mercy hospital, so they can monitor her for the next couple days, and run some additional tests.

Stephen's mom is unsatisfied with the work of the police. She decides to call them back and talk to the Sergeant. She explains about the personal protection order, furious that the protection had failed.

The Sergeant gives a response similar to what the hospital administrator had, "Cases of domestic violence are perhaps the most difficult of all the cases our officers deal with. It is a very stressful situation for them. But the cases are so numerous; we couldn't possibly assign an officer to each woman and child, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, in the event that something might happen."

Stephen's mom decides to hire her own security officer. She contemplates threatening with a lawsuit if anything else happens, but decides not to say anything. It certainly hadn't helped any when she had said something.

Stephen's mom has not even scratched the surface with things she needs to urgently accomplish. She decides to leave it to Genny to tell Ruth that Stephen had not pulled through.

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ENTRY THREE

Pastor John is eager for Stephen to arrive back. Then the call comes.

He cannot speak. He just listens.

Pastor John takes the news real hard.

No one had been as close to Stephen as he had been. For the past ten years they had lived together as father and son. He hadn't known what it was like to have a son until he had adopted Stephen. But after that, he couldn't imagine what it would be like without Stephen . . . and he never did imagine that. Every day had been pure joy for him---until the unimaginable happened.

In reality, there's probably nothing in this life that has not been imagined, nor is there anything that hasn't ever happened---at least once or twice. This wasn't even one of those things that were hard to imagine. Motor vehicle accidents and deaths happen way more frequently than we'd like to imagine ---and the sudden and unexpected nature of those incidents usually turn our world upside down.

Pastor John's heart was not coping well at all with this shocking news. He tries hard not to offend Stephen's mom. He is not thinking clearly and he knows it. He has to try extra hard to guard his words. He knows his thoughts aren't right. He knows he is thinking this way because of the extreme grief he is going through. But it really hurts that Stephen's mom has decided to have Stephen's body cremated.

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The moment he'd heard this he felt betrayed. After all, he was the one who had decided to become a part of Stephen's life, not her. She had decided to not be a part of her son's life. What right does she have to suddenly decide she wants to get involved in the arrangements concerning his death?

Pastor John knows it is wrong to be feeling this way. The fact that she'd not been involved in his life probably makes it that much more difficult for her now. She will have nothing to cling to. All the wonderful memories these past years as Stephen was growing up into a young man are Pastor John's memories alone. It had been him and Stephen. And those are the memories that will sustain him.

Pastor John prays for Stephen's mom that she will find peace to sustain her.

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ENTRY FOUR

Ruth leans her head against her mom's shoulder, and hugs her arm as the plane takes off. She is not afraid to fly. She is thankful she has a shoulder to cry upon. It's times like these that you really need your mom, and Ruth is thankful for hers.

Ruth had cried most of the night through, and still cannot go very long before breaking down again. Ruth has said nothing for a couple days.

They are flying out to Seattle. Though speechless, her clinging onto Mom speaks volumes.
She is not about to let go.

Genny cries too. She feels she has failed her daughter. And through her desperation, she fears she has perhaps made things way worse. Would things be better for Ruth if she wasn't in her life, or would it make her feel totally abandoned?

Genny lets all the doubts creep in. Maybe she should have stayed with Roy. Even the abuse seemed not so bad as this. Now they will spread the ashes out over the Puget Sound, representing Ruth's only chance at love, then return back to Michigan for what kind of future?

Stephen's mom is seated in a different section of her private jet. She sits alone in her own silent torment.

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ENTRY FIVE

Stephen's mom had talked to the police again and again. The hospital personnel at three separate hospitals all probably knew who she was by now. But somehow she felt responses were less than desirable.

After helping with the necessary arrangements in Seattle, she'd return to Michigan, and take care of the business she felt was always left unfinished.

Stephen's mom always feels anxious when she travels, whether by car or plane. There is so much she has to do, and she can't do it in-flight. She should probably take advantage of this time to sleep, but there is so much on her mind. Maybe she can organize her course of action.

The thing that is most on her mind, that infuriates her, is the 'Beefalo' incident. What had ruined her life, is now aiming to ruin Ruth's.

Poor Ruth! How would she take the truth of what had happened to her? No one can know for sure. But more importantly, Stephen's mom will make certain how she will take the future. She will provide a fresh new healthy start for Ruth, a new perspective.

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Ruth needs to be told what had happened to her. Genny had insisted on postponing it for a couple more days, but now waiting much longer would not be healthy. They had not known the fullest extent of Ruth's condition, so had went in for a blood test upon returning to Michigan from Seattle.

Now the hCG test result has returned, and it is confirmed. And Ruth should definitely be made aware of it. If they avoid telling her much longer, it will only add confusion to the development inside her. The sooner she knows, the better. Then she can cope, and work towards a somewhat healthy adjustment.

Certainly Ruth would have had a class in school about the birds and the bees. Though in her case, it would be more like the 'beauty and the beast'. But this is not a case of distorted reality, in the form of fantasy with a happy ending. By all accounts, this guy is a true beast. What kind of torment will this bring to Ruth's mind each breath of each day?

Genny finds it too difficult to tell Ruth, so she asks for help, "You know how to talk your way around most things. I'm afraid if I tell her, I'll just say something wrong, and make things even worse. I think she may take it better from a stranger, and I know I can trust you. Can you talk with her?"

Stephen's mom doesn't like the idea of her being the one, but she eventually gives in.

"Ruth, I am very rich. I have lots of money, and money buys things. It can buy things such as information. I will get the person that did this to you. And for the rest of his life he will never see the outside of a prison wall. I already know quite a bit about the person. It was a very sick, sick person. Part of the world out there is very sick. And those sick people are in all walks of life. Some are family members, some are pastors and priests, some are school teachers who date their students, and some are doctors ...all whom we should be able to trust. Most people we can trust ...but, sadly, not all. It so happens that this sick person came to you as a doctor."

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What was she thinking!

Stephen's mom awakens in a sweat. She had fallen asleep. It was just a dream, but she was thankful for the dream.

She didn't want Ruth to fear all doctors, especially now. She was soon to be told that she was going to bring a baby into this world in less than nine months, and she'd be in need of a doctor's care for the delivery.

Stephen's mom feels so stupid, even though this was just a dream. She could have easily insisted upon this very thing, thinking Genny is incompetent to deal with it. Why would she feel Genny was so incompetent and a failure as a mom, when she was as much a failure as Genny was? And in all honesty, Genny never really had a fair chance at it.

Stephen's mom will help make the arrangements for them to return in Seattle, but not just for a visit this time. She will make the arrangements in secret. And she will stay totally out of the picture.

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ENTRY SIX

Pastor John has always been afraid to fly, but this part is his idea. What bad could really happen from it? Stephen's mom had tried to argue the point of how unsafe some of those small private planes are, but she realizes she is not going to get anywhere with her convincing. Pastor John was not prepared to release Stephen into God's hands, but he's going to release this fear of flying, right now.

Genny and Ruth are there to join him. The three of them, plus the pilot, are about to take off over the Puget Sound.

Genny looks over at Ruth. Ruth is emotionless. A tear visits Genny's eye. What has happened to her happy little girl?

A smile suddenly emerges, and Ruth speaks for the first time in several days, "I guess happiness is a choice. Can I spread some of his ashes on the playground where we used to meet?"

Pastor John smiles, "Sure, that sounds like a good idea! Stephen always wanted to spread his joy. I guess we can do that too. And we can make a several day event out of it. Sometimes it's not good to let go all at once."

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Ruth's ideas take flight as the plane lifts off the ground, "And in the spring I'd like to plant some morning glories along the schoolyard fence where we spread some of the ashes."

Pastor John strains hard to hear, and shouts as the plane gains altitude, "I like that idea. Stephen can be part of that good earth that will one day bring nourishment for those glorious blossoms."

Genny smiles. She tries not to look down.

180

ENTRY SEVEN

Pastor John likes the idea of revisiting Ruth's childhood school. Ruth has always enjoyed getting up at sunrise. She wants Pastor John to join her and her mom the following morning at sunrise. They will be spreading the ashes tomorrow, though not planting the seeds until the spring.

But Pastor John wants to plant a thought now, "I would like the two of you to stay with me. Not just for a few days, I want you to stay with me permanently. I want you to make Seattle your new home."

Ruth looks to her mom to answer, "I don't know what to say!"

Pastor John looks endearingly at the two of them and speaks tenderly, "Say, . . .yes. You'd be doing me a huge favor. I need people around me, especially after all of this. And especially the ones who were about to be Stephen's family."

Genny has her own silent hopes and dreams. She had hoped someone would offer. Michigan is the last place she wants to be. "I believe we will take you up on your most generous offer."

181

Pastor John smiles, "You can't imagine how much that pleases me. I also could use your help with a memorial I want to set up for Stephen. Not the kind of memorial one would display in town square or the city park, I'm talking about your standard memorial. I have this cemetery plot. It's a real nice place, next to an oak tree on the side of a hill, overlooking a small lake. I like the idea of a solid granite marker. I'd like to have written on Stephen's stone: 'I've served God's purpose; now I'm going to let others serve', …something like that. It has to do with one of the last discussions I had with Stephen."

The next morning Ruth is up before sunrise. She even manages to get Mom up, but Pastor John says that the past several days have taken more of a toll on him than he'd realized. He asks if they can go to Ruth's old school to spread ashes in the afternoon instead.

Ruth and Mom agree to pray with Pastor John, then they spread some of Stephen's ashes in Pastor John's garden. There are plenty of ashes left for the afternoon at the schoolyard. But Pastor John doesn't make it for the afternoon either. He passes away just before noon.

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ENTRY EIGHT

Stephen's mom voices her approval over the phone to George. There is going to be a special service for Pastor John and Stephen. There will be a main headstone at the cemetery with the words engraved:                            As
father and son
we served together.
Now thanks to the leading
of the Holy Spirit
bringing truth to our hearts,
we will see
the Father and Son
in glory.


On each side of the main headstone are to be two small heart-shaped stones, one for Pastor John and one for Stephen.

183

George understands why Stephen's mom doesn't want to attend. George isn't going to attend either. He agrees that what is taking place in Seattle is as it is, but in Michigan much has to be looked into that wasn't as it appeared to be. At least, if she has anything to say about it, the subject is not closed. Stephen's mom has not appeared as who she is. No one will really miss her, and she has much to do. Genny and Ruth will do okay in Seattle. They will be staying at Pastor John's place. Harold and Hannah will be helping out, and it will be healthy for Ruth and Genny to be safely together as mom and daughter.

184

ENTRY NINE

Pastor John had thought it was a wonderful and very necessary subject to be dealt with. With his passing, there seemed to be an increased interest by the youth in the area in attending Harold and Hannah's marriage seminar. There was also a good mix of older people signed up to attend. And within that mix was Genny and Ruth.

Hannah and Harold had talked about it with Stephen before the fatal car accident. Pastor John had also helped with the arrangements. Everything had been agreed upon. Sadly now, neither Stephen nor Pastor John would be able to attend. Stephen was to attend with Ruth, as a married couple, though tragically that possibility ended.

But life must find a way to persist and they were happy that Ruth would be attending with her mom. Harold and Hannah agreed that the group should be only a couple dozen people. That would be a more effective size. They would have three separate seminars to incorporate the number that signed up. And a school bus had been offered to them.

They park at the bottom of the hill. It is the hillside where Harold and Hannah first met. It is also the hillside where Stephen had met Hannah, but Hannah doesn't want to make mention of Stephen to a much still grieving Ruth.

185

The bus drops the group off, then moves on with the luggage and supplies ---to the destination where they will be staying this evening.

Harold leads the group in a hike to the top of the hill, and now leads with his perspective, "Isn't it a great view from here! You can see things here that you can't see from anywhere else, except from an airplane. Of course, there's one more view that's even better than that from an airplane. Does anyone know what view that is?"

Ruth raises her right hand as she lowers her backpack with her left. Several others raise their hands also. Harold acknowledges her at once, "Go ahead, Ruth, your hand was raised first."

Ruth has the full attention of the group, "God's view. God sees what no one else can see."

Hannah's eyes begin to well-up with tears. Poor Ruth didn't yet know of her pregnancy. Ruth had not seen the horror that God saw happen to her. But it was obvious that God was comforting her. And Mom was comforting too, as she reaches to hold Ruth's hand.

Harold tries hard not to choke on his words, "Yes, God sees what no one else can see. That should be comforting, but often it scares us. We try to hide behind our vulnerabilities because we often consider vulnerability a weakness and associate it with hurt. So it may scare us to think God sees everything, especially when He sees within our hearts."

186

Harold hesitates to take a breath and maintain his composure, "But God knows precisely what damages our heart and what heals it. Our aim with this seminar is to teach God's way and let the healing take place."

After a thirty minute rest, Harold informs the group that it will be about another five mile hike to their destination for the evening.

Harold leads the group to Jim and Sue's cottage. The bus comes into view first, at the bottom of the hill. It isn't until they reach the top, that the awesome panorama with the sparkling lake come into view.

Harold directs, "In about an hour and a half, the sun is going to set. The sunset is spectacular from here. We are going to hold the seminar outside, so we are going to have to build a fire before the sun sets. Who can tell me what we are going to need?"

Nearly the entire group answers in unison, "Firewood!!"

A young man named Ralph offers a more detailed explanation, "First of all, we are going to have to build a fire pit to contain the fire, so we don't burn the whole forest down. Hopefully someone has matches . . .and it would also help if we have some paper and kindling."

187

Harold motions for him to step forward and he puts a supportive hand on Ralph's shoulder, "As Ralph mentioned, we need to build a fire pit, so the young men can gather some large stones. It should be easy because when they built the cottage they cleared the area, and made a rock pile next to the stand of trees in back next to the woodpile. The wood is already stacked, and Jim said we could use as much as we want. Jim likes to chop wood; says it's good exercise. There is a wheelbarrel alongside the firewood. I would recommend that you use the wheelbarrel for one load of wood, then use it to carry the large stones for the fire pit. I wouldn't want anyone to hurt themselves. And you strong men, I would strongly suggest you humble yourselves and let the weaker men wheel it and deal with it. Then as Ralph also mentioned, we need some tinder or kindling. The young women, if you could so kindly gather the kindling with your tinder loving care. The small stand of trees by the woodpile should provide ample sticks. Just pick up the twig-size sticks. You can also gather up a small portion of dried leaves or pine needles."

The group doesn't show any signs of fatigue from the long hike. They work real hard for the better part of an hour and the fire pit is done and all the makings for a fire gathered.

188

Harold smiles, "I think some of you could do the teaching by the looks of the fine job you've done. I think I'll let Ralph start the fire, but we've got a while before it gets dark and I'd like to talk with you about how I believe this entire set-up represents a proper perspective to marriage, so that marriage in itself is not a set-up. Hannah will begin by talking to you about the women's task of gathering the kindling."

Hannah steps forward, "We gathered kindling for the purpose set forth to kindle. To kindle also means to give birth to young, but we will discuss that at another time. To kindle usually means to ignite or to light. Ignite means to arouse or excite; to cause to light up or make bright. Okay, Ralph, you can ignite the fire now."

Ralph looks about. He is silent.

Hannah smiles, "I love it when men lead with humility. I'm sorry, Ralph, I didn't mean to put you on the spot there. It's not like I expected you to show us how you could light a fire by rubbing two sticks together. Here's a match. You may now light it up."

Ralph strikes the match, and shields the small flame with his other hand.

"Notice how Ralph protects the light from the match, shielding it, and carefully guiding it to the source of his intent."

The match takes to the dry leaves and small twigs. It makes the whole area bright and quickly takes to the larger twigs, also beginning to catch the edges of the small pieces of split wood.

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"So, to ignite also means to arouse or excite interest and feelings. The reason we built a fire pit is that of caution. As Ralph said, we could burn down the entire forest if the fire isn’t introduced in a safe place. There is a fireplace inside the cottage. We would never build a fire in the middle of the floor. There is a proper place set aside called a fireplace. Well, God set aside a proper place too. It's called marriage. We are not to arouse our feelings outside of marriage. As you see now, the fire is not as bright as it was at first, but it is a good fire. Thanks Ralph, for building such a good fire. Ralph was very careful at first because it could have burned out, but now it’s a strong fire. To arouse also means to stir to action those strong feelings, but the strength does not rest in our own power. We are not to strive towards the type of power that takes its own fuel, as in a forest fire, but to build the type that takes what we give it with care. Now let's all turn our attention from the fire to the sky. The sun will be setting. The sun is a huge ball of fire. Though they estimate it to be over ninety million miles away, it is still too bright to look at. But now that it has set, we can look at a spectacular display. There are clouds on the horizon and in just a few minutes they will help paint the sky."

Everyone's attention is to the sky. And it does not disappoint.

Harold remarks, "I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful sunset."

190

Hannah waits a few more minutes for the moment to fade before continuing to share her thoughts, "To arouse also means to awaken. We will not continue too late this evening, as we want everyone to have an equal chance to see the sunrise tomorrow. A sunrise more clearly defines an awakening. The sunrise gradually lightens up the surroundings. But what is most interesting to me is the announcement of the sunrise, the true beginning of the awakening. The songs of the birds announce the joy of the dawning of a new day, bringing light again to the beauty of God's creation. And we can learn a lot from those that God created. I'm not a morning person, but I've had to make a real effort to train myself to get to bed early so I could more easily drag myself out of bed at sunrise. I've perhaps not yet reached the appreciation level of singing out like the birds, but I'm working on it. The sunrise should not only arouse us from our sleep, but it can also excite us with anticipation to arise beforehand. The dictionary states as one of the definitions of 'excite': is to call forth, summon, put into motion, stir up, and arouse feelings and passions. Now, I'll let Harold describe the word 'passion' to you, since he has such a passion for it."

191

Harold smiles, "Passion is any emotion expressed with extreme intensity. And all forms of passion involve suffering. The differences between the types of passion are defined in part by the types of suffering that are caused. We are going to talk about two main types: the suffering we mostly endure and that which we cause others to mostly endure. If you hate someone with a real passion, it causes anger that could lead to rage or fury. If you grieve intensely you could suffer extreme depression. If you fear intensely, you could paralyze your ability to accomplish any purpose or direction you know you should be going in. And you must know that in grieving or fearing intensely, you are not only causing yourself to suffer. It affects all of those around you. And if you don't control your feelings and guide the match as Ralph did, shielding your emotions and carefully guiding them to the proper match that God has for you in marriage; then that could cause pain beyond even what an entire society can endure. But even worse, it is against what God wants for us. There is enough obvious suffering that comes from going against what God so lovingly prepares for us. And there is also the unseen that goes with it. As for the most intense of passions, we must look towards the event when God sent His Son. This is the most passionate love, that of Jesus, enduring intense suffering for our sake."

192

Hannah steps forward and puts a loving hand on Harold's shoulder, "You put that so well, Harold. How about sharing also with them about what was shared at that seminar you went to? You know the one."

"I'm not trying to make myself look good, but I've been to several seminars, my dear Hannah."
"It was in that Midwest city; what was the name of it? Your friend was there."

"Hannah, you're making it sound like I only have one friend, besides you."

"Harold, you know! Your friend, what was his name? Gotham, I think that was it. Gotham, city in the Midwest, you know."

"Gotham City? Don't make them think I'm friends with Batman!"

"No, the person's name was Gotham or something. And I was trying to think of the city you were in."

"Oh, I think you mean Gothard. Yes, thank you, my friend Bill."

"Yes, that was his name, Bill. He had something very important to say about what we're about to talk about next; but first I'm going to tell you what my mom said about my dad. She said her husband was a hard-working man. He never missed a day of work. But he often missed their Anniversary; something many wives would view as unforgivable."

"Sorry to interrupt, but I must ask, Harold, do you think you're much like your Dad?"

"With the gettin' or the forgettin' part?"

"Not for gettin' to work. I'm more concerned about the forgettin' part."

193

"You mean, you're afraid I might miss our wedding Anniversary?"

"Well, not really, I'm just trying to enhance your story. I think you're equally thoughtful and hard-working. And I think you're a good story-teller too, so I should just let you tell your story."

"Well, thank you, Hannah. As I was saying, about my mom saying; when Grandpa, my mom's dad, died, she was tremendously comforted by the fact that her husband never left her side. But on a different note, some of you have had someone at your side that shouldn't have been at your side, offering something that neither of you should have sided with. And that person is no longer at your side. This is often an uncomfortable subject; and one that often motivates others in favor of censure. The actual circumstances leading to Jesus' birth led to a similar reaction by those whom society was composed of at that time. Often societal pressure is so strong that little attempt is made to even understand. But the Bible says that Joseph was a just man and not willing to make a public example of Mary. But being kind will often only isolate the issue. Though it is often kinder than openly condemning, it still usually contains value judgments that lead to action void of much understanding. It often lacks the understanding that God provides. Once Joseph received that understanding that God provides, he totally committed to the right thing. But when you feel your circumstances coming about by not the right thing, what do you often do? You certainly shouldn't change your perspective to a fatalistic point of view."

194

"I would like to add, Harold, that I've talked to most of the young women here and their parents; and I'm thankful for the positive approach many of them are taking."

"Yes, a supportive parent is a role that God provides, whose value cannot be duplicated. We're only attempting to supplement and assist parents here, not replace that nurturing that needs to continue or be restored. A handful of you are about to have a child out of wedlock. Though your parents may have thought you were a handful in the past, a child will soon be delivered by the hand of God. God performed this miracle at Creation, predestining the purpose for everything that happens. God doesn't want everything to happen the way it does, but through our freedom of choice things happen as they do, and God knows they will happen. God already has knowledge and understanding of these things and has a purpose for us to reach out and grasp that understanding of each circumstance. That's what my friend Bill explained to me. It is so deep and rich with meaning, I hope I don't mess up with trying to explain it. A mom who has a child out-of-wedlock must realize that God has a special purpose for her. First of all, those women should look to encourage other women in similar circumstances to gain a proper perspective. If a child is to be raised without a dad; it should be instilled in them that God is the Father of that child. God is watching over us in everything we do. And our loving God wants us not to focus on our past, but on our future with Him, praying for more understanding of His purpose for us and renewing our efforts and commitment to bring glory to Him."

195

"That is good stuff, Harold; let me see if I got this straight: Our first purpose is to come to the understanding of God; and then, even in our failures, to acknowledge that God doesn't fail and He doesn't fail to love us. So that brings us to our second main purpose : To glorify God, and to acknowledge Him to others."

"Yes, I believe that encouragement and edification is of the highest value. That is because it is to be used towards that which God has assigned a high value. He has predestined us and that is what Bill believes to be of utmost importance: to instill that sense of destiny within each and every child. Too often we approach a near fatalistic philosophical view, almost Shakespearian in nature; a type of twisted destiny beyond our control. And too often today, we practice rationalism, extending its boundaries beyond even its definition of reason as a basis for regulating conduct. That can lead to other misdirected views that creep into our minds, one rationalization at a time. And that roots itself in doctrines of doubt and a steady diet of falsehood, allowing others to heap our plate with increasing portions. But instead, we should focus on correctness through a healthy diet of God's Word, providing a proper direction; and as Bill would say, a spiritual destiny of sorts for each child. And it begins with our dedication towards realizing God's purpose and direction for each child. God made each of us for a special purpose. The first thing we need to do is realize that. John Wesley's mom, while experiencing intense relief after having faced the possibility of losing her son in a fire, said: 'God must have some special purpose for you to perform.'"

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"Thank you, Harold. I'll try to summarize a bit before we conclude. In the situation that Harold was talking about, both Mom and the child have a special purpose. Chapter two of the letter from the apostle Paul written to Titus, extends a special purpose to all of us. I'll read that to you in a moment, but first I want to remind you all that we'll be concluding tomorrow morning after our sunrise praise and prayer session. The short afternoon session will only be for those few whom I've already talked to, who've agreed to attend the session dealing with the special circumstances facing single moms. All have a challenge ahead of them, but those who have children out-of-wedlock are expected to raise more than an eyebrow. "

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ENTRY TEN

As the morning group is dismissed and they are about to head for the bus, Hannah approaches Ruth privately.

Hannah motions for her to step off to the side, "Ruth, I wanted to propose something to you. It's about Tammy."

A couple of weeks ago, Ruth had volunteered to work in the nursery at church. A twelve year old girl named Tammy was taking care of her ten-month-old brother. Tammy had been in the nursery for several weeks, but had yet to talk with anyone, other than her quiet loving whispers to her baby brother. This particular day that Ruth was in the nursery, Tammy's baby brother had fallen asleep.

Ruth recalls the moment:

Calling Tammy over to the nursery window, they both snicker as a dad attempts to settle his children. The dad is near the center aisle and feels he is the center of attention, to the displeasure of those around him as his two children tussle about and run between his legs as they stand for prayer. Ruth smiles at Tammy, "I guess that's the problem: Too old for the nursery, but not old enough to behave during the church service." In frustration, the dad picks up one child, but that child taunts the other child below as if to say: "Ha-ha, I'm more special than you are." The child below appears jealous of the one in the father's arms, and the entire present predicament does not appear to be lending to any solution.

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Ruth continues her recollection:
Suddenly the father sits down between his two children. Immediately, both children sit still beside the father and lean their heads against his chest. Ruth observes, "That's the way our heavenly Father approached the problem here on earth. Jesus came to sit amongst us, to comfort us on our level." It had been that moment that Ruth had prayed for Tammy. They had shared tears of laughter, but Tammy wasn't ready for the tears of joy.

Hannah was looking for a particular recollection, "I'm sure you and Tammy talked about a number of things, but did she ever mention to you that she's pregnant?"

Ruth hesitates. She hopes she had heard wrong. She hopes to clarify that, "Tammy's mom is pregnant again?"

"No, I'm sorry to say it's Tammy, not her mom."

Ruth is silent. It is difficult to imagine what is going through her head at this moment.

Hannah interrupts those thoughts, "Tammy will be joining the class this afternoon, and though I think it is important that she attend, I'm a bit concerned that it may be very difficult for her. I was wondering if you could attend and help be a support to her. Your mom already said it was okay if you agreed to it. She also said she'd participate if you were willing to."

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Part Eleven

ENTRY ONE

The other four expecting moms had been told briefly about Tammy, and that she'd be attending.

Unexpectedly, Tammy gives Ruth a big hug when she arrives. She keeps her distance from the others, and her glance remains down or off to the side with only Ruth in view.

Hannah doesn't know where to begin. She and Harold had planned a much different approach with the other soon-to-be moms. They had all had some sort of class in school to at least introduce the basics. But that was doubtful the case with Tammy; and her mom refused to be of much help.

Often parents refuse to discuss what, if anything, concerning the goings on within their home. And it was clear to everyone at church that any questions may lead to Tammy not being brought to church at all. So, they had no clue what had been told Tammy ...about anything her fragile mind could be subjected to. Tammy had been dropped off at church for an hour and a half each Sunday for the past two months. Her mom did not attend any church service, and she would not be around today either.

Hannah is just thankful at this point that Tammy is allowed to attend. Hannah has no idea how difficult this will be, nor can she anticipate what is the best course to take in dealing with it.

Hannah had rehearsed some ideas in her head, but those thoughts all seem to be fleeting at this moment. Hannah's thoughts are scrambling, "Tammy, has anyone ever talked to you about ….."

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The group is silent.

Tammy rubs her eyes, the sunlight clearly marking the streaked tears she'd attempted to hide.

Tammy looks up to Ruth with the eyes of a desperate silent plea, begging for understanding of an inward longing that if it could, would scream, "Please save me from this all!"

Ruth knows of her own silent screams. They are of a different nature, but desperation recognizes and knows its own.

Ruth knows what it is like to want to escape. And she can't hide her own immediate response to rescue, "It's okay, Tammy. I want to show you the beautiful garden. Today is a beautiful day, and I'm so glad to have a friend to share it with."

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ENTRY TWO

Abortion, becoming increasingly more prevalent in our society, has literally squirmed its way into being accepted as a viable solution to a much varied set of circumstances, all of which have two things in common: conception and desperation.

Adding fuel to the already intense emotion surrounding it, the mostly misplaced emotion of anger has taken forefront on the political stage; so much so, that both sides rarely bring anything to the debate but anger itself. Unable to truly express anything constructive, each of the sides of the debate have sold their emotions to one of two highly sophisticated networks of misrepresentation: the Democratic Party or the Republican Party.

An interesting survey revealed the repetitive truth behind the usual claim: That things aren't always what they appear to be. The survey showed that the overwhelming majority of Republicans are against abortion; while a simple majority of Democrats said they are in favor of the women having the choice to decide for themselves. But when the factor of circumstance came into play, many potential inconsistencies came into question. If the mom's life was in danger, would abortion be an option to save the mom's life? The majority of Republicans said they were not in favor of abortion under these circumstances.

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The survey did not distinguish between whether they were moms who valued their child's lives or moms who valued their own; or whether it was the husband's lack of concern for his wife or his child ...in many cases, the child often merely being a replacement for the childish man he was.

The bold print category of rape proved to be most interesting. The majority of Republicans were in favor of an abortion if rape were the cause of conception. In fact, there were more Democrats against abortion in the case of rape.

A very sad, yet enlightening list of data proved to show the truer sense of political party values. The majority of the poor usually feel that no party really helps them, so they end up not voting during an election. If they do vote, they would more likely vote for a party that would appear to create fewer policies aimed at hurting them. The gainfully employed usually without question feel that the Republican policies help them. The other fact is that rich folk have much less risk of a rape happening in their neighborhood than in poor areas. In the Seattle area, they are no exception to the rule. The poor areas have compounding problems.

In the present group that Harold and Hannah are leading, promiscuity is the main culprit, not rape; except in the case of Tammy and Ruth. These other women allowed themselves to be victims of societal thinking, yet as adults they are merely labeled as being irresponsible, not victims. Society places the wrong value on how a person should live outside of marriage, because it so often places the wrong value on how life should be within a marriage. And when irresponsible marries irresponsible, one cannot expect responsible to be the by-product.

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When a child is born, new demands are birthed. If those demands are not met, it can arguably be considered to border on criminal, but with most of the neglect being a mere tragically unfulfilled potential.

Thankfully, the women in this group today have each accepted the full responsibility for not having made that better choice, having now chosen the better way, accepting the blessing of the child developing within them. In each of these women's cases, when they became responsible …the irresponsible party departed. As is most often the case, irresponsible can't survive long with responsible.

A soon-to-be mom has a lot of responsibility soon to come upon her. So if both the man and the woman come to this point resulting from an irresponsible act, the likelihood of two "irresponsibles" changing at the same time is not great. For at least one, the pattern is apt to repeat itself, re-visiting: deception, conception, rejection, and desertion.

Hannah had contemplated saying all these things, but now seeing Tammy's near panic-stage, it is clear that whatever Hannah had chosen to say, Tammy wouldn't hear most of it, and what she would hear wouldn't be at the 12-year-old level of understanding.

But Hannah soon realizes it isn't necessary that she say anything. Ruth will be the instrument God uses today.

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ENTRY THREE

"While waiting for everyone else to wake up yesterday, I went for a walk down by the lake. That's where I discovered the garden."

Genny chooses to stay behind. The reason she will not be joining the others is suddenly revealed by a report of a sprained ankle she had sustained the day before. She is certain she won't be able to walk any sizeable distance without further agitating it. She insists that she will be okay, but Hannah insists that Genny not be left alone. Harold volunteers to stay back with her.

Ruth leads the way with Tammy. Though Ruth is talking to Tammy, the rest of the group also listens, a few steps behind. "If you were going to write a story about your baby brother, the first twelve chapters would not be about you. A couple chapters may be about the detailed preparation of your baby brother's room and your eager anticipation of his birth, but you would soon bring your baby brother to life and describe your celebration of how precious he is to you. This morning I heard a similar celebration. The birds sang before we entered into the day. And way back at the beginning, the angels sang before we entered in. The angels sang as God prepared our room, the earth, in preparation of our creation."

Tammy's young mind is teeming with interest, "When did God create the angels? If they were so happy to sing when we were created, what were they doing before that?"

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"That's a good question, Tammy. But remember, the story is like the one you would write about your baby brother. The Bible is our story; about when we came into the world, not a story about the angels. The Bible is God's story to us, about us. So, I don't know what the angels were doing before our creation, but from what I do know I believe that God wanted the angels to have just about everything."

"How many angels were there?"

"The Bible doesn't give a number, but there were lots of angels. And if we consider that God wanted the angels to have just about everything, it would be difficult to imagine why everything wouldn't go smoothly. But anytime 'everything' is divided by any number greater than one, it equals sharing. And from what we read in the Bible, one angel didn't like that arrangement."

"Why not?"

"Well, those who have everything tend to be ungrateful. Gratefulness more often comes about by accepting the fact that you don't have everything, while placing a high value on what you do have."
"I heard that one angel was named Lucifer."

"Yes, that's the one who led the way astray."

"What did Lucifer do wrong?"

"Some people say that pride was the downfall."

"I've had people tell me they were proud of me."

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"Showing pride in one's work is usually a positive characteristic that most employers would look for in their workers. Showing pleasure and satisfaction in one's work or accomplishments is usually considered a good thing. But taking credit for something that's not your own and wanting to own more of it, is not a good thing."

"So, would you say Lucifer was ungrateful?"

"Definitely! The opposite is contentment: Not desiring more than we have; being satisfied with our circumstance or condition."

"So Lucifer wasn't satisfied, but what did he do?"

"He attempted a coup."

"What's a coo?"

"We're not talking about the sound a dove makes. A c-o-u-p is usually a brilliantly planned and executed take-over, but that's why I said it was an attempted coup. Attempting to go against God is never a brilliant move."

"So, . . . Lucifer lost?"

Poor Tammy was sincere with her question. Ruth knew what Tammy meant by it. There were often times in Ruth's own life where she felt her circumstances would evidence the pondering of that very question. "Yes, he lost. And God sent him to our Earth."

"Why did God send him here? Why couldn't we have a home without him?"

"Well, technically speaking, it's not our home. We are to have a future home with God."

"Why were we put here then? Why couldn't we have gone straight to our home with God?"

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Ruth understands what Tammy is asking. "Why do we have to live with so many things that are displeasing to God? Why doesn't God get rid of all the bad things? Because if God got rid of all the bad things, then even what we perceive to be good would not exist."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when God created the earth, He said that it was good. He put Adam and Eve in the garden, giving them everything they needed. But there was one thing that they needed that we don't often think about."

"What was that?"

"Freedom of choice. Adam and Eve had to have some sort of choice. It would show whether they were grateful: content with their condition and satisfied with what they had."

"But Adam and Eve failed."

"And God could have considered that a bad thing, and eliminated them. But in God's plan, it's not a matter of our failures or even our successes. It's a matter of God's plan. God's plan is good. It's all about whether we choose God's plan; we are not as much held to how well we do. The main problem is that the less well we follow the plan, the more we hurt one another; and also, the less we follow the plan, the less the plan is actually presented accurately as the plan. So we then have to question whether we are actually following the plan or following an inaccurate representation of the plan. And if it is an inaccurate representation of the plan, then are we even choosing the actual plan?"

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"What does that all mean? What is it that God has planned for us? How do I know what to choose?"

"Simply, Jesus . . . .choose Jesus!"

The path turns a corner, then leads straight down a gradual embankment to the glistening lake. The large amphitheater effect encompasses the garden; blossoming out of the forest, sloping in tiers of breathless beauty, and floating out over the water's edge with lily-pad paddock frog frolicking.

Within the theatrical center of this carousel of color is a small circle of wooden benches. Tammy sits beside Ruth.

Ruth takes a deep breath, twitching her nose slightly as if to pick up on a particular scent. "I sat here this morning before the sun came up. The morning doves were cooing. And my favorite, the morning glories, were yet to applaud the sunrise with their parasol promenade. I like the morning glories the best because they follow the bird's joyful announcement, opening up to greet the day, then humbly bowing to the magnificent sunshine. Yet, if you look beyond the beauty of the blossoms, you'll find the inner strength of their heart-shaped leaves. God offered Adam the garden …to keep it, to nurture it, and to appreciate what he had; though he may not have yet understood the value of it. Just like with Adam, God looks to our inner heart, to our acceptance and appreciation of what He has for us."

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Tammy leans her head against Ruth, "This place makes me feel special."

"Much effort was put forth to make it seem so. Jim and Sue did much tending, to cultivate that very feeling. We spend much time, effort, and money to make things that are special to us. Some of the things, like this garden, are good things to cultivate. But sometimes the wrong things get cultivated."

"How do we know what is wrong?"

Tears begin to well-up in Ruth's eyes. Most assuredly, Tammy's dad had cultivated the wrong things, and made it seem that wrong was not wrong. "The Holy Spirit of God will speak to our inner heart to lead us to understand that which we do not understand."

"What does holy mean?"

"Holy means coming from God. And we learn what comes from God, and what takes from God. Do you know how we learn of both?"

"The Bible?"

"You are absolutely right! That's why it's called a Holy Bible; it comes from God. And it works to set us apart. In the Old Testament many things were set apart for use only in the temple. But the New Testament tells us that our own bodies are the temple of God and the Spirit of God dwells in us. So, we are supposed to be treating ourselves according to that purpose. Our own bodies are to be set apart for marriage. That comes from God; and is to be considered holy."

"What if we aren't married?"

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"The most important relationship we have is with God. God created all our other relationships, so we should pay attention to what God says about each one of them. And if we aren't married, then we shouldn't be acting as if we are. Whatever our circumstances, God has a blessing for us, but most of the time it begins with a change of heart in realizing it."

"Oh, look! There's a hummingbird!" Tammy points to a dainty red flower.

The young girls look on with amazement as the tiny hummingbird beats its wings in a rapid blur. This gives Hannah her first opportunity to speak. She is amazed with everything Ruth has been saying as the others are now amazed with the hummingbird.

Hannah is still concerned. She had accepted the responsibility to talk about some slightly different things. Perhaps now is an opening. "The hummingbird beats its wings fifty to seventy times per second. It is not usually native to this area. I have a feeling that Jim and Sue have something to do with this one being here. The hummingbird is a very unique bird. It isn't much bigger than most insects. Does anyone know how insects and some birds benefit a garden?"

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Ruth jumps right in again. "They are drawn to the color of the petals or the scent of the flowers. They like the sweet nectar and as they travel from flower to flower, pollen is also carried from flower to flower. The sperm nucleus of the pollen grain divides, then slides down the pollen tube to unite with the egg cell. The fertilized egg is called a seed. Each flower doesn't know which other flowers contribute the pollen grains with the sperm nuclei, but just the same joins to become a seed that will become another beautiful flower. There is no designation of good seed or bad seed. When I was younger, I had to go to a mental institution. Often I heard people say, "Looks like she came from bad seed." Don't believe it! There's no such thing as bad seed; only bad parental discretion with choices. And those bad choices can either continue or change. The seed is okay; it's just a matter of whether you furnish it with good soil, sunshine, and water. The seed won't develop and flourish without proper care and nourishment. Each of you have a seed within you; a seed of the heart."

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Ruth temporarily gets caught up in her own words. Tammy clings tightly to Ruth's arm.

Ruth takes a deep breath as tears begin to well-up in her eyes, "That's what happened to me ...I had passed out or something. That's all I knew had happened. When I began to regain consciousness, I was still groggy and couldn't see too well ...but I could hear. I heard the nurses talking to my mom and another lady. They said that a person, posing as a Doctor, did something to me. When I heard that, I was in shock. It was like I couldn't speak, but I could hear …and think. First I thought of all the bad that had happened and I didn't know if I could ever come out of the shock. I didn't want to speak. Then I remembered my biology class and the hummingbird. In a way, I was like a little flower …just there! I had a seed in my heart that was ready to grow. I had prepared to marry Stephen, then he died. But the seed of love is still there. God gave me the love …and it's still there."

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Ruth's tears begin to fall.

Hannah had no idea that Ruth knew. She is so relieved that she doesn't have to break the news to her about what had happened. She can't believe that Ruth already knows.

Hannah cries. The other girls cry. And Tammy buries her head into Ruth's chest.

After Ruth gathers strength to share her remaining thoughts, "There is no bad seed; just bad upbringing. And I am devoted to bringing up my child to know and experience the love of God. My child will not have to know of how it happened to me; it's only necessary that my child know God. I just look at it like a flower being visited by a hummingbird. With their long needle-like beaks, they can reach deep into a flower. And posing as a Doctor, this person used his syringe instrument, and performed artificial insemination. He had no right to do such a thing. But sometimes it's not a matter of violating rights as it is an abundance of wrongs. It's not what I consider right, it's whether it's against what God says is right. If it's against God's standard, then we are going through life artificially and superficially. And just like it wasn't right what happened to me, it wasn't right what your dad did to you, Tammy. But how can we expect people to do what's right if they either don't believe in God, or don't care to follow Him. We can only be thankful that we do know Him and we can raise our children accordingly."

Tammy grabs Ruth tightly within both of her arms, and further buries her face.

Ruth's tears fall upon Tammy's knotted hair.

They both desperately need each other. Tammy raises her tear-streaked face to form the silent words that Ruth returns aloud, "Thank you!"

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Ruth hadn't differentiated between those who were equally responsible for their 'soon-to-be moms' condition and those who were the innocent victims of their present condition. Concerning the first group, no one likes to be called irresponsible. It is not a real motivator. If you're ready to accept responsibility, then you've already faced the stark reality of how irresponsible you have been, and you are now ready to move on. It's called growth. Labeling only hinders growth.

Hannah is amazed at how Ruth had pointed mostly to the excitement of discovering the good. She had focused little on the not-so-good. And in mentioning the wrong that had been done to Tammy, Ruth had not used words like statutory rape and coercion. Absent also was the necessity of announcing the certain truth that Tammy is not at fault … she's a victim. Her dad's wrongdoing has already clearly been established. Therefore there is no need to focus on her dad's imprisonment, or how he deserves even worse for what he had done to her. Hannah thanks God for directing the day's events in a way she had not planned, and could not have imagined. She would not have imagined Ruth as an aged woman, as she recalls a certain verse in the Bible from the second chapter of Titus: "The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; that they may teach the young women . . ."

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Ruth didn't have all the answers. She had just shared in the comfort that God had given her, amongst the confusion and silent pleas of desperation. All that was necessary was for them to recognize the simple solution that God had provided . . . to love. And in accepting that simple truth, they continue to embrace each other . . . with their arms, their tears, and their very souls.

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Part Twelve

ENTRY ONE

If not for that tragic accident, Ruth would be married to Stephen. That love she would not let go of. It is that love that continues to help her endure the pain that lives on in memory, attempting to haunt her. Destructive memories are put aside, and she lives with the comforting ones.

She visits Stephen's gravesite before the dawn of each new day. She watches the sun boldly rise above the horizon. On overcast days, she finds life in the surroundings as they gradually take focus.

Ruth talks to Stephen. She likes the early morning because they can be alone for the most part. No one is there usually, to see …or to hear her. She talks with him about the baby, referring to it as their child. If it is a boy, she will name their child Stephen.

She knows the facts well enough. She has lost the only person that she has ever loved; the only person who ever truly loved her. She knows Stephen is dead, but she feels his presence just the same. And it somehow feels easier to cope by pretending it is her and Stephen's child. That way it is easier to transfer the love to her child, instead of the horror that had led to her pregnancy.

When Stephen had died, his presence somehow seemed to move to the child growing within her womb. Her love for Stephen helped encircle the child. And those memories, those dreams, and the love they'd shared would be a part of the child she is sure will be a boy.

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The autumn air is crisp, but silent. Ruth is extra early this morning. Time floats with her thoughts.

Suddenly her feathered friends break the silence, directing her thoughts with their cheerful song. As the curtain of darkness is drawn away, a rather magnificent display of color splashes the sky, delicately painting a feathery pattern of cirrus clouds. Then at center stage, beginning as a glowing center at the horizon, the brilliant sun rises.

The colors fade as the sun rises boldly with its certain preeminence. The grass glistens with the morning dew. The crisp leaves crunch underfoot with each step. And with each step, a certain warmth begins to define itself.

Ruth feels the strength build inside her. She is ready to face the day.

Autumn is a favorite time of year for Ruth. It is a season of reflection.

Ruth walks under the branches of a great oak tree. A single leaf floats down past her face on its way to the ground. It lands at her feet. She feels something tug at her heart. The leaf is making a symbolic gesture. Ruth touches her stomach with a gentle hand. She looks down at the leaf which seems to say, "Don't be sad! I'll be back . . . ."

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Ruth is familiar with the story the oak tree tells. It holds its leaves longer than the other trees. For those who are so eager to rake up the old, to discard them, the oak tree is not looked upon fondly. But if you try to pull the dead leaves off before it is time for them to let go, then you destroy the chance of any new growth on that branch or twig.

Ruth is reminded of the old cliché, "You've got to let go!" But she can't let go. She has to hang on a bit longer. It would be too painful for her to let go now. It is the only stability she knows; even though that stability involves a mere memory.

If she can hold onto these thoughts until spring, she will find new growth. Her child will be born with the same peaceful tenderness that she experiences in her heart. Her child will be born, not in tension or sorrow, but in love. Ruth will find beauty and love in autumn . . . in the winter, in spring, and in the summer.

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ENTRY TWO

Genny tells Ruth, "I think I re-injured my ankle. I'm going to try to rest it today, so maybe it won't be so bad my first day on the job. You go ahead on to church. Maybe I can join you next week."

"Mom, you know, if you're having a difficult time with your ankle, maybe you shouldn't be going to work either. I'm sure I could get a job at the greenhouse. I'm good with plants. You shouldn't be working to support me anyway."

"Nonsense! Now don't you go denying your old mom some good feelings. I want to work. For years I've wanted to be able to do some good for you, so don't you start with that! And besides, you soon will have your hands full. That's the biggest job there is and I intend on nothing getting in the way of you doing it."

"Mom, I still . . . ."

"Not a word more! Now hurry on, or you'll be late. You've got a good work going there with Tammy. God has placed you in a useful place, so no disappointin', I'll see you after church. Say a prayer for me too."

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ENTRY THREE

"Where's your mom this morning, Ruth?"

"She didn't feel very good this morning, so she decided not to come."

This conversation takes place several times before the start of the service. One particular lady, upon hearing it, slips out of church undetected. When she arrives at the door, Genny musters up enough politeness to let her in. "You don't need a job! Why did you go looking for a job? I told you I'd take care of everything."

Genny tries to add humor to a less than funny subject to her, "I suppose you think like Ruth . . . that I'm no good with plants. Did she tell you that? I suppose the whole church knows. I know every garden bug knows. That's why they always visit me. Well, not to worry . . . I'm only going to be working in deliveries. And don't worry, I won't be giving you any competition. The plants I'll be running are nothing compared to the ones you own."

"For someone who didn't feel well enough to go to church, you sure are showing some friskiness."

"And you felt obliged to leave church to come here to help make me so?"

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"I was very close to becoming your dear daughter's mother-in-law. Forgive me if I took that to heart and had begun to care prematurely."

"You know what they say about trouble with in-laws. Always trying to give unwanted advice."

"Well, I guess I should try to be more understanding of your perspective. For years you've had to listen to everything that your husband has said and now you are finally starting to fight back."

"That was a low blow . . . you didn't need to say that."

"I guess I'm doing the same thing. I'm sorry. We shouldn't forget we're on the same side."

"No need to apologize; you're probably right. I'm the one who needs to say sorry. You've done so much for Ruth and me . . . I should really say thank you."

"So, you will continue to accept my charity and not take that job? I don't know why so many people feel guilty about accepting charity? I financially support all of Harold and Hannah's outreach programs and missionary work. At first I had Harold pegged wrong too. I thought he was a prideful man, but really he was concerned about what his dad and brother would think. They said they don't believe in a job which requires donations. The real truth was they felt guilty about not wanting to contribute, but didn't seem to have a problem with Harold's method of raising funds when they found out he had a single donor that could more than adequately cover all the expenses."

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"Well, I can see Harold's concern about how family feels about it. My concern is how Ruth feels about it."

"She doesn't need to know about it."

"But don't you see how different this is? How do you think this appears to Ruth?"

"I think Ruth is rather mature, and would understand that you want to spend the time with her, especially during this time. I think the best place for you is with your daughter. She really needs you at this time."

"Do you think Ruth would understand where the money is coming from? Should I tell her that you're Stephen's mom? You didn't change your name to Rebekkah so you could reveal the fact that you're still alive. I'm getting a job so Ruth doesn't start to ask questions. Otherwise, she's bound to begin to wonder how we are making a go of it."

"I'm sorry, I've been caught up in so much, I've overlooked the obvious. I guess she would wonder."

"Just one thing I'd like to know . . . ."

"What's that?"

"How did Harold work it out with his family? When we were up at Jim and Sue's cottage, Harold talked with me for quite a long while, but he didn't say much about himself. He mostly asked questions about me and Ruth."

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"Harold has a wonderful relationship with his dad and mom. His brother, on the other hand, is less than understanding. He plays for the Detroit Lions. He made it clear that he is not in favor of a person making a living through hand-outs. Harold said he understands that people are different; and though he feels like a natural at missionary work, he isn't the kind of person who could play sports for a living."

Rebekkah hesitates; and Genny begs the question, "Did he mention to his brother why that is?"

"Harold said he wasn't the kind of person who could feel comfortable with benefiting through hopes someone else has the kind of day that he hopes he wouldn't have."

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ENTRY FOUR

Ruth is embarrassed that she hadn't thought of it. She hopes no one thinks she was hoping to take advantage of them. The 'love offering' that the church had given her and Mom has surely run out by now. That's why Mom must have accepted that job at the greenhouse.

Ruth had never had to handle finances. But maybe it was time to begin accepting responsibility for her life, and for the child that she'd soon be caring for.

Maybe Mom wanted to take care of the home and provisions for it, but what about hospital bills. They didn't have any medical insurance and the cost of a birth would be significantly too much for any one person to handle. But with two people working, they could make a go of it.

Ruth makes the call. It will be fun working at the same place as Mom.

She will be working dayshift too. They seem to be very understanding and flexible with their schedule. They say, with the increased volume in the summer, they are adding an evening shift and agree to allow Ruth to change shifts after the baby is born. That way she and Mom can alternate taking care of the baby.

Ruth can't wait to tell Mom about the news.

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Part Thirteen

ENTRY ONE

Ruth has a great feeling about Christmas morning. She wakes up slowly as the sun begins to rise boldly in the sky, creating a warm feeling as it casts its rays through the window onto the comforter hugging her body.

Having a work schedule certainly has affected her morning routine. She is not getting up as early as she previously had been accustomed to. But part of the reason may be that she is pregnant, and she just doesn't quite have the same kind of energy she is used to. Just the same, she feels so wonderfully secure, protected by the loving touch of God. Each morning is a wonderful celebration of life.

Ruth sits up in bed, wrapping her arms around herself and her baby.

Genny doesn't want to get out of bed. It is the only place she feels secure. Perhaps it is a bad habit of hers, but she can't seem to change it. She feels best alone. Life outside the bedroom does not seem as secure. It is too often filled with expectations and disappointments. And guilt.

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Genny is mostly filled with guilt. She and Ruth had agreed not to buy each other gifts this Christmas. They had agreed to focus on the real gift of the season and share that in their hearts. But Ruth was way better than she was with that. Ruth sits in bed a bit longer, taking in the warmth of the sun . . . . and of the Son. The day we celebrate God's gift to the world. A very personal gift. As undeserving as we are, God gave us His only Son. God sent us Jesus. Nothing is expected in return, except for us to accept that most precious gift. And as God gave of Himself, we are to give of ourselves . . . . to each other.

Ruth sits on the edge of the bed and rests a hand on her stomach. "Merry Christmas, Stephen."

Genny hears Ruth move about in the bathroom. Ruth is quietly singing.

Genny can't get the thought of last evening out of her head. Ruth had suggested they read the story of Jesus. Genny had always heard a version different than what the Bible really said. Several things surprised her, but the thing that affected her the most was the part about Herod. Joseph and Mary had to take the baby Jesus to Egypt because Herod wanted to kill the baby. Herod was so driven to kill the baby, he killed all the babies that were two years of age and younger in the town of Bethlehem and the surrounding coasts. The reading of that must have affected Ruth also because it must have been the reason behind the nightmare she'd had last evening.

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"No! . . .No!" Screams of terror must have filled the town of Bethlehem on that occasion nearly two thousand years ago. Those screams also filled Ruth's bedroom last night, still piercing Genny's memory.

Ruth had dreamt something had happened to her baby. Whether it was the revisited terror of what King Herod commanded those couple thousand years ago, or the present day horror of thousands of abortions called for by much less than kings; Ruth's thoughts had erupted as fears from the subconscious riddled with the intense emotional devastation spawned by the mass confusion and complete breakdown of an ill-directed present generation who, in spite of themselves, cling to the hopes of avoiding future destruction and utter chaos.

Is this how Genny viewed her daughter? She does not know. Perhaps it is how she views herself. Each unpleasant experience frames a picture of the past that hopefully will not become the brushstroke of a future painting. And our collection of memories creates an art gallery of our perspective on life, open for public display.

On this occasion, Genny prefers to keep her private collection of thoughts behind closed doors. She tells Ruth that she doesn't feel well and won't be going to church this morning.

Ruth hugs her mom. She silently prays for the day when Mom will be able to put aside the memories of all nightmares, real and imagined. She understands that Mom is probably paralyzed with negative emotion and depression, but she doesn't question it. She accepts the fact that Mom will not be joining her on Christmas morning.

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Ruth attempts to disassociate herself from what is keeping Mom from celebrating such a joyous occasion. The beauty of Christmas morning that dances within hearts across the nation, for however long the moment for each, provides a special warmth within Ruth.

It is not often that such a great number of people can share in this moment with such a great outpouring of love. Ruth feels this power of love that so many can hold, for however so long. Ruth gathers these feelings together in her heart as she gathers together her costume for the Christmas play she is to participate in on this grand morning. She is certain the Christmas play will also impact Tammy and be the highlight of her day.

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ENTRY TWO

Rebekkah is a greeter, "Merry Christmas, Ruth."

"Merry Christmas, Rebekkah."

"I don't see Genny. Did I miss her?"

"She didn't come today. She wasn't feeling well."

A car door swings open in front of the church. Tammy steps out of the car, then reaches into the back seat to get her brother out of the baby seat.

As usual, Tammy's mother drives off as soon as the car door shuts. Tammy doesn't look back, but walks slowly up the church steps taking care with each step she takes with her baby brother.

"Merry Christmas, Tammy. Merry Christmas, baby brother." Rebekkah couldn't remember his name.

"Merry Christmas." As brief as usual, Tammy heads straight to the nursery.

Ruth sees Tammy go into the nursery. She hadn't really thought about it, but this is what Tammy is accustomed to doing every Sunday.

Ruth feels that this just cannot be. Tammy can't miss the Christmas play.

Ruth contemplates what Tammy will say. She is very protective of her baby brother, and will not let him out of her sight. And she would not feel comfortable packed in with the rest of the overflowing attendance of this Christmas morning.

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Suddenly Ruth realizes what she must do. "Tammy, we need someone to play Mary for the Christmas play. And I thought it would be so much better to have a real baby instead of a doll for baby Jesus. I can help take care of your brother behind the scenes while you play your earlier part. We'll be right there the whole time. Actually, your part is very simple. You don't really have to do anything other than follow Joseph. You'll really enjoy playing the part of Mary and some day you'll be able to tell your brother that he played the part of Jesus."

Tammy's eyes light up, giving Ruth hope that Tammy will agree to playing the awesome role of Mary. But mostly she hopes Tammy will agree to letting her brother play the part of Jesus. Tammy really loves her dear baby brother and she will probably be thrilled for him too.

Tammy hesitates, but the excitement doesn't leave her eyes, "Okay, as long as you'll be right there the whole time."

Ruth is so thrilled. She had wondered what extra special wonder this day would hold. Now Tammy would be able to see the Christmas play after all, from a very unique perspective . . . by being in it.

Ruth is certain that everyone else in the play will follow her lead not to mention the fact of who was scheduled to play Mary in the Christmas program.

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ENTRY THREE

Rebekkah is struggling with holding back her tears. After greeting everyone with a happy face, she returns to her car.

George Olitz had seen her walk out and finds her there. "Are you okay, Rebekkah?"

Fighting back the tears, "I'll be okay. I just need to drive around a bit."

"I'd like to join you."

"Thanks George, but this is something I have to do myself. But thanks again ...and Merry Christmas, George."

George stands there for a moment as Rebekkah drives off. He will get together with her later.

Rebekkah has something on her mind that has beguiled the possibility of any pleasant thoughts she may attempt to have on this day. The nightmare last night had introduced this present torment. She needs to resolve at least some aspect of it before she can face the rest of the day. She needs to see Genny.

Rebekkah hadn't been able to sleep after the nightmare she'd had last evening. She couldn't help thinking how her life had been a nightmare. But she knew she needed to get her thoughts back under control. Too much depends upon her thinking clearly.

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Rebekkah tells herself to: Think positive, concentrate on what is good, and recall the events in life that had brought about happiness.

Rebekkah laughs to herself. She had recently bought a book on positive thinking. She could probably write a book on the opposite subject.

Rebekkah is angry. No sense being in denial about it. She is angry because so many of those near and dear to her have been taken from her. She is angry about the way her sweet baby girl had died. She is angry over her failure to find out who had been extorting money when she was nearly dead. And she is angry because she now often feels like she is dead.

Rebekkah decides to circle the block again. She needs to dissipate some of this anger.

But once around the block isn't going to do it. Rebekkah is still angry. She is angry because her husband isn't alive for her to tell him how she feels. She is angry about what had happened to her son. And she is angry because she is angry . . . on Christmas morning when she should be happy.

Rebekkah attempts to tell herself that the past is the past. The book mentioned something about not dwelling on the past. What else did it say? Oh yes, think positive. Concentrate on now. Sure. Think positive. Ignore reality. Mask the troubles. Oh yes, one more thing . . . throw the book away.

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ENTRY FOUR

It was time to throw them away. Ruth had held onto all of the memories, but now she felt like she had to move on with her life.

She gathers up all the letters and cards that Stephen had ever given her. She packs them into a box with some of Stephen's keepsakes that he had kept; which was inclusive of all the letters and cards that she had ever given Stephen. "What good will they do me now?"

"But these are the things that you've collected and cherished since childhood. You can't throw that all away."

"What good are the memories now?"

"If not for memories, what else do we have?"

"It hurts too much. I can't continue to torture myself with what doesn't exist. I really loved Stephen . . . you can't know how much."

Rebekkah feels hurt, but she can't tell Ruth how much. Ruth can't be expected to understand. Ruth doesn't know that she's talking to Stephen's mom. And Rebekkah doesn't know how much of this could possibly be true.

This was her nightmare last night. She had not talked to Ruth about it. But how is she to know whether there is some truth in the nightmare? Or if this is perhaps precisely how Ruth feels?

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As Rebekkah drives up into the driveway, she sees a box outside by the back door. She has to know! Before she knocks on the door, she peeks into the box by lifting the lid. It is just a box of empty tin cans.

Genny answers the door on the twelfth knock, "Oh, Rebekkah, is everything okay?"

"I didn't see you in church; I was going to ask you the same."

"Oh, excuse my manners, Rebekkah. Come on in! And Merry Christmas to you."

"I'm sorry, but it hasn't been too merry for me. I was wondering if I could just sit for a while in Stephen's room. I miss him so much. And I know you understand how much more difficult that becomes on days like today."

"Yes, I do know. Come on in and feel free to stay as long as you like."

"Thank you, Genny. And just tell me if there's anything you need. I won't be too long. I want to be gone before church gets out."

Rebekkah goes to Stephen's room. Nothing has been changed. It was silly to pay attention to that nightmare. Ruth is such a sweet girl. And Genny mentions how much time Ruth still sits alone in Stephen's room.

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Rebekkah reaches for a box from underneath the bed. The box is labeled 'MOM'. Within the box are old photo albums and loose photos.

There is a small painting lying on top of all the photos. It was the first time she had attempted a painting, just after Stephen had been born. It is a picture of his crib and bedroom. She remembers the day she gave him the painting, three years later. Stephen had been so thrilled by the painting. It was not a good painting, but Stephen had cherished it.

Rebekkah had done much more painting while in rehab, and had gotten much better. Actually, the quality of her paintings had progressed much quicker than her physical health. George and their friend Mac both agreed that some of her paintings bordered on greatness.

What was greatness anyway? Some of the paintings throughout history were considered great simply because someone deemed them so. Someone had found great significance in those paintings because someone had gone to great lengths to tell a story, that in the end, was more significant than the painting itself. And didn't 'greatness' usually follow death?

Yes, seems like most of the great painters are dead. Maybe that is the easiest way for others to tell their story, without them refuting it.

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And what is the broader stroke of the word 'great' anyway? Isn't 'great' taught?

Yes, we are taught what great is. We are taught what beauty is. We are also taught what it is to be understood, appreciated, and loved. Feelings are the greatest things taught.

But they are not great simply because they are ours to claim. Those feelings that aspire to greatness are those that we should most desire to pass on. That involves good discretion because we should be careful not to teach many things: such as greed, hate, and prejudice, to name only a few.

Attitudes are the most subtle things we are taught. Often we are not even aware of that kind of teaching. Sometimes we can't find an effective way to teach something, and we must just let it go and allow experience to be the teacher. That is often the most difficult to do, but often the most effective teacher. Though it is often the riskiest also.

Good experience and bad experience at times seem to be equally effective teachers. Rebekkah feels she has been a terrible teacher. What has she aspired to pass on?

Rebekkah places the painting aside. Beneath it is a poetry book. There is one poem that she recalls from her senior year in school. It was not a real famous poem, but it made publication. It spoke to her nearly twenty years ago, and Rebekkah feels that it speaks for today also. She wonders how many would agree with her.

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Rebekkah finds the poem by Walt Whitman. Authors have a more difficult task than painters. The author has to choose the words that will paint the picture in the reader's mind. And it is usually important to the author that the reader grasp the particular message that the author intends.

Rebekkah had chosen painting because she was unable to put her feelings into words. And at times when she felt she could express her feelings, she didn't want to personalize it and cause someone potential pain.

Rebekkah begins to read "There Was a Child Went Forth". She recalls how her twelfth grade teacher read it aloud and how it impacted her, having been pregnant at the time. Ruth is now at about that same age and in a similar situation, yet significantly different in several ways.

Rebekkah thinks of Ruth as she reads the poem. Ruth seems to be coping well. In fact, too well! She had never seemed to deal with the agony of what had happened. Was she really coping well?

Walt Whitman put it well: ". . . the sense of what is real, the thought of if after all it should prove unreal; the doubts of day-time and the doubts of night-time, the curious whether and how . . ."

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ENTRY FIVE

Tammy's mom is waiting in the car for her. Tammy walks out with her brother. She is grinning ear-to-ear. Ruth follows cautiously behind, waiting to hear the joyful exchange.

Not wanting to get too close, she sits at the bottom of the church steps. Tammy announces her near rapture, "Mom, I got to play the part of Mary in the Christmas play! And Aaron got to play the part of Jesus!"

Immediately she realizes her error in attempting to share her excitement. Tammy's mom does not show an expression of joy, nor does her voice even come close to encouragement, "Let's go; the car is running."

Tammy's smile melts into a frown and she quickly loads her brother into the baby seat.

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ENTRY SIX

Tammy's mom's displeasure evidences itself in a much greater way over the next several weeks. The following Sunday, Tammy does not come to church; nor the next, nor the next Sunday. Ruth doesn't want to assume anything, but she feels a real heaviness in her heart. It may not be clear to everyone, but it is clear to her the reason why.

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ENTRY SEVEN

Ruth contemplates the many questions that she doesn't have answers to. When we are born, we are born into innocence. Some of that innocence is lost early on as we learn right and wrong.

Parents also hopefully learn. The things that are classified as teaching and involve mostly instruction, include dealing with mistakes. Those mistakes should mostly necessitate our trying again, and if need be, our seeking out forgiveness. We also learn which things hold consequences, whether natural consequences or those passed on as a result of intentional disobedience. And hopefully the parents and the children learn together with this.

Ruth doubts whether Tammy learned much of this at all. She wasn't responsible for the wrong that was done to her, yet she was being treated as if she was. There was no teaching, and she was the victim of grossly criminal actions. And she was having to serve the consequence of something she didn't likely understand, while being labeled by society.

Tammy's dad was serving an obvious consequence, but her mom was taking minimal responsibility, only dealing with what she could get by with.

Ruth is happy that Tammy's mom was at least taking the responsibility of making arrangements for assisting Tammy with the birth of her child. In the case of this very difficult and painful circumstance, Ruth keeps trying not to focus on what Tammy's mom is failing to do, but more on what she is helping to do.

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Ruth heard the news during the time that some were celebrating Palm Sunday, one week before the celebration of Jesus' resurrection. One of the women from church was a nurse. She said the evening before that Tammy came in with her mom and brother. Tammy was having labor pains. The Doctor sent her home. He estimated that she may deliver within the week though.

This is very much on Ruth's mind. She wonders what is going through Tammy's mind. She hopes Tammy will not have a difficult delivery. She hopes Tammy will focus on the child that she soon will have, instead of the pain of having it. Yes, it is necessary to know right from wrong. But all the innocence doesn't have to be lost. That's just plain insensitive and ignorant. Part of the world out there is very sick, and we just don't need to know all about it. And if it is deemed necessary that we know about it, then we don't need to dwell on it.

Yes, there are some very sick people out there. And those people are in all walks of life. Some are teachers who date their students, some are pastors and priests, some are Doctors . . . or those who impersonate Doctors, and some are parents. The tragedy is that most of these sick people are not identified as being sick until they have victimized many and caused great pain. This is the case with Tammy's dad . . . and in a different sort of way, it is certainly true about Ruth's own dad. Both are now rid of those situations, but are they rid of the torturous damage it has caused?

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ENTRY EIGHT

It is Good Friday when the call comes in.

Genny answers, only to hear a very panicky voice over the phone: "Can you and Ruth come to the hospital quick! I can't believe it! She just plain dropped her off and left; just like she always used to at church. Tammy is about to have her baby. Can you come quick?"

Genny appreciates the fact that someone calls and says she is needed.

She and Ruth rush to the hospital, but as they are nearing the hospital the negative thoughts begin to overcome her. It is not really her that they need. It is Ruth that they want.

As they locate the room that Tammy is in, Genny places a comforting hand on her daughter's shoulder, "Go ahead, Ruth. Tammy will be glad to see you. I'll wait here in the lounge. Just holler if you need anything."

There was plenty of hollering that had already begun. The nurses didn't really know what to do. They were desperate.

Actually, it was the desperate look in Tammy's eyes that bothered them. That's why Val had called the Razohns. Val was from church, and knew Ruth was Tammy's friend.

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The pain in Tammy's eyes, searching about with aimless desperate pleas, captures Ruth as soon as she enters the room.

As soon as her eyes meet Ruth's eyes, they penetrate deep, her own eyes providing a window to her heart. Ruth's eyes, having had welled-up on the ride over, now gush forth with tears. She doesn't understand the exactness of Tammy's true pain, but she certainly understands the depth of it. It is a familiar pain, way beyond mere physical pain. It is the pain of abandonment, now seeking desperately to reach out and draw in any form of comfort, longing to believe that sincerity of heart still exists.

Beyond job assignment or accepted responsibility, Tammy longs for that ever elusive depth of caring. And she finds the steadfastness she needs in Ruth.

The horror is in the very real sense of what her dad had done . . . in destroying the innocence, wreaking havoc on the vulnerability, and annihilating the trust. Instead of being the provider of good things and the protector, he had been the enemy's point of entry into the home; violating the deepest sense of what should be a provision for any chance of a healthy outlook on life. The fear that presently exists for Tammy goes way beyond the boundaries of that which would be evident for anyone going through an experience that they have never personally gone through before . . . such as giving birth, especially for a twelve year old.

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The nurses and Doctor who have helped time and again with various degrees of panic associated with births, have never had to deal with someone as young as a twelve year old in this situation before. This goes way beyond the natural fear of the moment, and they are of little help to Tammy.

Tammy clutches Ruth's hand, providing some comfort to her for the moment. But the eyes reach beyond to a future desperation . . . the fear of the unknown, a consideration for a far reaching future. Ruth cannot hear Tammy's actual words, but her eyes are screaming out, "Please save me!"

And Ruth knows this desperate plea is not just for the moment. Ruth holds Tammy's hand in both of hers. She whispers to Tammy about how nails were driven into Jesus' hands.

One of the nurses, Sandy, begins to mumble in protest, objecting to this kind of conversation during a time like this. But it begins to settle Tammy; and who can argue with that.

"But don't think of the nailing of Jesus to the cross as a horrible ending. What we celebrate this Sunday is Jesus' resurrection. Remember, we talked about that in church. You said you weren't ready to pray at that time."

Tammy halfway sits up on one elbow, "I want to pray now! Please, I'm ready to pray!"

Ruth notices that Sandy is still frowning. But Val is smiling. And after the short, but ever so sincere prayer, Tammy bears down and delivers her precious little baby boy.

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ENTRY NINE

Ruth also wants her Mom to find comfort in the truth of the resurrection of Jesus. Putting our belief in Jesus creates a newness, allowing us to step beyond the things which try to resurrect themselves.

Ruth and Genny are notified by the school system. Tammy hadn't been going to school. The school had called the nearest hospital to see if their records showed any severe illness that would have kept Tammy out of school. They didn't even know that Tammy had been pregnant.

The hospital had given the school system this number. Perhaps Genny and Ruth had known more. But now, Genny and Ruth are notified that they have moved away. Reportedly, they had moved shortly after Tammy's baby was born.

The school system showed some sincere concern. They wanted to alert the social services department in whatever city they had moved to. But Genny and Ruth were not able to offer any information. They knew less than the school system did. The only thing they did know is that the mom had obviously decided to move away from the only support that Tammy was ever allowed to have. The mom had chosen to hide the problems. And the option by which she had chosen to do that through was by leaving the area.

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Part Fourteen

ENTRY ONE

Ruth is not feeling quite well. In her entire life there had been few days when she felt everything was well, but her concern at this time has to be for a healthy delivery for her baby.

It is the beginning of May. Ruth's baby is due in a couple weeks. Genny sits beside her daughter in the lobby. Neither of them offer the other one any conversation. They are both in deep thought.

Genny probably knows more about Rebekkah than Rebekkah would like her to. Genny is certain the information was shared only out of necessity. But she is thankful for what she knows. Rebekkah had a hand in many things that few people knew about. Everyone knew only what she chose for them to know.

Rebekkah was known as a popular news broadcaster in the Seattle area. For those in her church congregation, she was known to be a truly dedicated Christian. But only a few choice people knew of her extreme wealth, the beneficiary of the Tressel estate. George referred to her as Empress, but she was not impressed. It was George's caring heart that mattered.

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George established a foundation for her so she could remain anonymous. Through the foundation, Rebekkah funded a program at St. Joseph's hospital to fully cover the hospital expenses for any girl in her teens who decided against the abortion option, in favor of having her child. The program had covered the birth of Tammy's baby boy. And it would cover all of Ruth's hospital visits.

Rebekkah had chosen St. Joseph's hospital because she felt Doctor Windham was the best doctor in the Seattle area. If not the best, he was without question one of the best, and certainly one of the longest practicing, which was what Rebekkah was looking for . . . reliable and no surprises.

Another plus was her friend from church. Val promised Rebekkah that she'd let the other hospital personnel, who'd be caring for Ruth, know about the circumstances surrounding Ruth's pregnancy. She also assured Rebekkah that she'd firmly insist that they not discuss any of it with Ruth.

Ruth is finally called. The receptionist tosses the file on the desk. Aside from the certain monotony of the work, the receptionist seems to make it even more intolerable.

Doctor Windham gives Ruth a much more pleasant reception. He gives her a clean bill of health. He assures Ruth that she has everything going for her. She is a very healthy girl, and has every reason to believe her baby will be healthy. "You don't know how rare and refreshing it is to meet a soon-to-be Mom who doesn't smoke, drink, or take any drugs."

Ruth is surprised that the doctor doesn't ask her about the child's father . . . and she is very relieved also.

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ENTRY TWO

On the way back from the hospital, Genny pleas, "Why don't you take the next few days off work? You shouldn't work right up until the day you are due."

Rebekkah had been pressuring Genny over this issue, but Genny had told her that Ruth had a mind of her own and it wouldn't be easy convincing her. "I know you're concerned Mom; and I appreciate that, but I'll be okay. They have a lot of volume during Mother's Day weekend, and I just want to help with that."

Genny feels guilty, but she doesn't blame Ruth for wanting to work so much. It probably helps her keep her mind off of other things . . . the things Genny can't keep her mind off.

Genny wasn't trained to expect the worst out of life. But through the pressures of a sudden threat to a secure income in a marriage already testing the temperance of too weak of a bond for when the going got rough; and through their own suffering love, Genny and Roy did not have what it takes to raise a healthy child. And Genny blamed herself as much as she blamed Roy.

Guilt is a chain, dragging with it the weight of depression. Genny has carried it for years; and she doesn't know how to cut the chains. Even with Roy now out of the picture, she still is unable to rid herself of it.

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Ruth had been a child, perceived as any other child, to begin to grow and formulate ideas about a world that was virtually a spectrum of new experiences filling each day. And just like any other child, as that surrounding world became familiar, Ruth knew what to expect.

But what she'd learned to expect was not a secure and loving environment. And what should have been a trusting relationship, developed into a severe violation of trust. Maybe that's why Ruth was keeping her emotions in check. Was anything what it appeared to be? How could she not question how long and how real, or for whose benefit and for what motive, was affection actually displayed. Did life advertise any sure things?

No, life was filled with disappointments; and that's all that could be counted on. Emotions could not be trusted, and had to be abandoned. Experience only breeds doubt. And the familiar becomes unfamiliar . . . and it hurts too much.

All of these feelings are what Genny had to offer Ruth. The good of it all, was that Ruth had accepted a different reality than what her Mom had to offer. In spite of a Mom's tremendous failures, Genny is at least thankful that Ruth found comfort outside the home. A quiet peacefulness seems to guide each day with a faith that allows Ruth to feel safe and confident that her needs will be met and that new experiences and challenges that any given day presents to her can be adapted to or else conquered. With that, Ruth has been able to graduate to various stages of growth, maturing beyond her years, and equipped to make responsible individual decisions while maintaining an encouraging outlook on life.

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Yes, Ruth's childhood had been severely disrupted. Her trust and confidence shook. Great shock waves had visited her home. Her surrounding world had become a mental institution and a stranger to her. And what had become of all of this? Ruth actually seemed to be more comfortable with strangers. Yes, Genny still cannot convince herself that she is not a failure as a Mom. And with Mother's Day coming up . . . no wonder Ruth wants to work.

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ENTRY THREE

Genny waits as usual for Ruth. Ruth would never quit work even a minute early.

Today is payday. After picking up their checks, Genny had mentioned she wanted to stop off at the grocery store.

Ruth looks at her paycheck with satisfaction. She is so looking forward to the birth of her child in a few days. She will give her child everything . . . and then some. Her child will be the happiest child.

Ruth grabs a cart from the parking lot. As she enters the store, she begins to think of all the things she will get her baby boy. She is still convinced that her baby will be a boy.

She whispers to herself, "That's what I'll do. I'll give my son everything he wants. I'll really spoil my little Stephen."

Ruth helps Mom load the cart with vegetables and fruit. Ruth loves fruits and vegetables. Ahead of them is a girl perhaps a couple years older than Ruth. As the young girl pushes her cart around the corner, Ruth sees the huge grin on a little boy's face.

Ruth thinks of when her boy will be that age. He will be happy like that too.

Ruth pushes the cart for Mom as they round the corner, bridging the distance between the same girl chauffeuring the young boy in her cart. She doesn't need to look up at the aisle label. The smell of chocolate is overwhelming. It is the candy aisle.

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The young boy is still sporting that huge grin, while barking out commands to the tune of, "I want this! I want that!"

Mom's feeble attempt at, "I think we have enough candy at home." . . . doesn't go over real big.
The boy begins to cry and Mom surrenders with, "Okay, if you promise to be good."

At this point the boy doesn't need words to accompany his finger. He just points and Mom tosses it in the cart.

Ruth smiles, "What power in that little finger." She whispers, thinking her own Mom had seen what she had seen and sharing in the humor. But Mom appeared to be daydreaming.

Ruth wasn't the only one observing the power of that little finger. Someone else seemed to be getting an idea. A young boy is strolling slowly down the aisle, helping push the cart as Dad checks over his shopping list. This boy has wide sparkling eyes. His seems to have observed the entire incident between the other boy and his Mom.

The boy tugs on the leg of his dad's trousers. Dad looks down. Sporting a big smile, the boy points, "I want a candy bar."

Dad hesitates ever so slightly, then ruffles his son's hair, hugging him against his trouser leg, "You're broke pal. Fact is, you already owe me twenty-five cents."

Ruth compares the two situations. Yes, she will give her son everything . . . in the way of love. She will give him more love than one could hope for. But she will not spoil him with material things.

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Part Fifteen

ENTRY ONE

Genny has fallen behind with the orders. She had never imagined there would be so many orders. It's the day before Mother's Day and there would be more orders tomorrow. If she wanted to have a couple hours off for church, she'd have to make up for it this evening. That's just the way it is with the floral business. There would be no getting time off for holidays and other special occasions. That's when most of the profits are made.

Ruth had decided to help Mom, so they wouldn't be quite so late. Though being not yet that familiar with the Seattle area, it takes much longer than anticipated.

Upon arriving home, both are eager to get to bed. Genny falls asleep right away. Ruth gets out her Bible and tries to read. Though it provides some comfort, she is still restless and can't sleep. It is just past midnight. She doesn't want to bother Genny, but she must. She can't put it off any longer.

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Ruth does not turn the light on as she approaches the doorway, "Mom . . .Mom!"

Genny rolls over in bed with her eyes still shut, "No more flowers! Please tell me we didn't forget a delivery!"

Ruth sees that Mom is still half asleep. She is talking in her sleep. Ruth waits patiently.

Genny sits up on one elbow, and looks at the shadow of Ruth in the doorway lit by the moonlight, "I'm sorry, did I wake you with my talking in my sleep. I'm okay; you can go back to bed. I just had a nightmare about all those flowers we had to deliver. I dreamt we still had another delivery to take care of."

Ruth rests a hand on her stomach, "We do have one more important delivery."

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ENTRY TWO

Everyone knows how tirelessly Doctor Windham works. No one has delivered more babies than he has through the years. But he is getting old and slowing down. And though he is routinely very good, at times it is too routine, affecting his bedside manner.

This is where Sandra comes in. She is very good with the patients, especially the new moms. And she listens very well, making up for Doctor Windham's lack of bedside manner.

Sadly, a large percent of the new moms have a wide range of complex circumstances surrounding their pregnancies . . . and many of those complexities become more complex.
Sandra knew she had one of those challenges when Genny and Ruth came in. Rebekkah had met with the delivery team weeks ago. She wanted nothing left to chance. She wanted a guarantee that things would go well.

Ruth is having labor pains. Sandra quickly checks her and verifies that this is the real deal. Sandra meets Doctor Windham in the hallway, "Doctor, maybe you could get another cup of coffee. I don't think we are going to get out of here any time soon. We have at least two babies to deliver this morning."

Doctor Windham smiles, "I don't know about you, but I plan to get out of here sooner than later."

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Genny leaves Ruth in the room and joins the two of them in the hallway. Genny is totally unaware that Rebekkah had already informed the team about Ruth.

Genny attempts to prep them with her low whisper, "My daughter can really use your extra help. She has had a horrible enough time, trying to separate herself from the circumstances leading to this. What I'm trying to say is . . . she's been a little trooper these past nine months, but if it's a difficult labor, who knows what memory could be triggered. What I'm really trying to say is . . . the incident leading to her being pregnant was real traumatic. She has no idea who the father is. She was actually drugged and unconscious at the time."

Genny begins to cry as she returns to Ruth's room. Ruth is doing quite well; her face at times grimacing with pain, but making no noise.

Upon seeing her daughter's silent pain, Genny cries louder, "It's all my fault, it's all my fault! This would have never happened if I had been the mom I should have been!"

Doctor Windham, having remained just long enough in the hallway, turns back to Sandra, "Perhaps I can prescribe something for pain."

"The mom?"

"Precisely! See if you can somehow coax her out of the room . I can deal with the soon-to-be mom crying out in pain; then the baby's cry, but not this hysterical lady!"

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Genny cooperates. She realizes once again that she is of no comfort to her daughter. And how fitting for Mother's Day!

Sandra insists, "Ruth will be fine. I promise you that as soon as your grandchild is born, I'll call you back into the room. Don't worry; this is not that uncommon. Many young girls do better without their moms in the room. And I will be with her the entire time. There is another lady who will be giving birth soon, but a couple other nurses are assigned to her. I promise I will be with your daughter and not leave her side until she is happily holding her baby. Then I will immediately come to get you."

Genny does as she is told. She sits in the lobby all by herself. And she continues to cry, talking aloud to herself, " What a failure I am! Not even able to hold it together for an important moment like this . . . not even on Mother's Day!"

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ENTRY THREE

It doesn't seem to bother Sandra to make promises that only God can keep. Sandra feels that circumstances warrant justification for not keeping a promise. And being as it were that she is the best in her field, she feels totally at ease when those circumstances arise. Sandra knows she'll do what is best; and at that point the promise will be irrelevant.

One of those occasions just happens to arise early this Mother's Day. One of the other nurses on duty rushes into Ruth's room, "Sandy, I think Doctor Windham is having a heart attack! We need your help quick!"

Without hesitation, Sandra leaves Ruth's side. No one would expect her not to respond to an emergency. Sandra runs into the room where Doctor Windham slouches in a chair. Sandra helps two other nurses lift him into a wheelchair. Inevitably, something always seems to happen when they agree to work short, but nothing could be worse than this. Sure he's overworked, but Doctor Windham was always considered …some sort of superhuman!

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A loud groan suddenly fills the room, but it is not from Doctor Windham. With all her concern for the Doctor, Sandra hadn't even looked past him. The lady whose room they are all in, is about to give birth.

The two other nurses look to Sandra with pleading eyes, the one nurse speaking up, "We know you can do it, Sandy! We'll get help for the Doctor; will you deliver the baby?"

Sandra is proud of the fact that the others look up to her. They feel she can do anything. And she will have to do just about everything at this point.

Within one minute, the baby crowns. Sandra is thankful for how quick the baby is coming because she knows Ruth isn't that far behind.

Sandra is right! As soon as she secures the first birth, she rushes into Ruth's room. She could hear Ruth hollering from down the hall while she was helping the other lady.

Now as she enters the room, Ruth's baby is half out, and so is Ruth . . . half unconscious. Sandra quickly guides the baby out the rest of the way. She breathes a sigh of relief as she looks on to Ruth's condition. Ruth appears to be passed out temporarily, but she appears to be breathing okay. Sandra figures that she'll come around okay, so no need to be overly concerned.

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As soon as Sandra gets the baby wrapped up, she sees that Ruth is still resting, so she opts to carry the baby down to Genny. She stops by briefly to check the condition of the other lady, checks with the desk whether they've heard anything about how Doctor Windham is doing, then walks into the lobby to where Genny appears to be asleep.

Genny is not asleep though. She opens her eyes, and stands as soon as Sandra enters the room. "Let me see my precious grandson!"

Genny is so used to Ruth patting her tummy and referring to how well Stephen was doing, that she'd also picked up the habit ...as if the baby was going to unquestionably be a boy.

But that image is soon to vanish. She now faces an adorable little . . . African-American girl?

Genny just stands there frozen; staring as if not at her precious little wide-eyed granddaughter wrapped in swaddling clothes, but as if she's seeing only the result of a horrible rape.

Genny doesn't smile. She doesn't know how to react.

Sandra knows how to react. She doesn't want the hysteria to return. She has to get out of there quickly.

But before she can, Genny asks, "How did Ruth take it?"

Sandra offers a brief, but truthful reply, "Ruth had a quick, but difficult delivery. She hasn't seen the child; she's resting."

Genny does not move. She can only imagine that this will be the difficult delivery . . . the delivery of the news of her baby.

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Ruth's eyes are open, and she is sitting up. She has a real concerned bothersome look on her face.

When Sandra enters the room, Ruth's eyes light up, "I was so worried; I wondered what happened to my child. Let me see my precious little baby!"

Ruth reaches for her little dark-skinned bundle of joy. And she smiles as her baby appears to alertly look back.

Ruth melts with warm emotion, "A-h-h, what a beautiful baby! I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful baby! And I'm not just saying that because it's my baby."

Sandra adds, "She truly is a beautiful girl, isn't she!"

And Sandra isn't just referring to the baby. Ruth is one of the most beautiful people she has ever met. Such a drastic difference between Ruth and her mom! Genny is a near basket case, and here her daughter is responding in a way that most people don't truly understand. There is such a bond that exists between a mother and child, so powerful that most people don't even realize. Such a tragedy for those moms who fight that bond from the very beginning! Sandra has seen it many times, but she'd had a feeling that this would not be one of those cases.

Ruth continues to smile at her baby, "She truly is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen! I think I'll name her …Aleah."

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Sandra smiles. All the concern the others had was unfounded. Ruth's expectation of her baby being a boy and how she had picked out the name 'Stephen' …was probably just her own way to stay focused and endure until the baby was born. But now with the baby born, the baby was reason enough for positive thinking. Her daughter would be a lifetime blessing. And it didn't seem to matter one bit, the color of Aleah's skin. If the earth were only filled with more people like Ruth, there would be so much less strife in the world.

Genny waits for Sandra to enter the hallway. Sandra is surprised to see how quickly Genny has appeared to get herself together. Genny whispers, "How is she taking it?"

Sandra can't hide how irritated she is with Genny. She raises her voice, "Why don't you see for yourself?"

Sandra checks again with the desk as to how the Doctor is doing. The report this time is more conclusive. They say that Doctor Windham will be okay.

Genny walks slowly into the room. She is surprised to see Ruth already breast-feeding her baby. Ruth looks up. Upon seeing her Mom enter the room, she chimes in, "Look Mom! Stephen and I have a beautiful healthy little girl. I named her Aleah."

Genny attempts to smile. Ruth is still imagining how things are. She had named her baby after the sister that Stephen had lost. And she is still talking as if she had married Stephen, and as if it was their child. Oh, how she hopes Ruth will be all right.

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Part Sixteen

ENTRY ONE

"Your Dad was a fine man, Aleah. This is the place where we first met. I can still remember the day. They were being mean to your Dad, but he didn't let it bother him. He said they didn't know any better. I figure that is true of my own Dad too. He doesn't know any better. And you know what else your Dad said? He said Jesus loves me. I'll never forget that!"

It is a beautiful summer day. A perfect kind of day for a stroll.

Ruth sings aloud as she pushes the stroller down the sidewalk adjacent to the old school. It seems so peaceful here. And Ruth is certain to have many quiet moments here. With school consolidations, this one will no longer be used. It is vacant …and only to be filled with her memories.

At this same time, Rebekkah visits Genny at the greenhouse.

Genny is just getting off work. She is happy to see Rebekkah and eager to share some news. "Ruth is really happy. She really adores her little Aleah! And that granddaughter of mine has a real liking to her Mom too. She never cries and is just an all-around wonderful baby. Though I have to say, she does have an unbelievable appetite. Doesn't bother Ruth though! She's always breast-feeding her. Never gives her a chance to get hungry. I still have a hard time imagining how such a nurturing child could be my daughter."

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"Don't be so hard on yourself, Genny!"

"Just trying to beat you to it."

"Now, let's not start that again. I've been through a lot lately too. I can't afford to lose too many friends."

"The way you tell it, you can afford just about anything."

"That never applies to friendship; money can't buy good friendship."

"I'm honored then; that you may even consider me as a friend. The 'good' part of it may take some getting used to. But before my revealing nature ruins another opportunity, I'd like to share some more rare positive news. Ruth is so much absorbed with her little Aleah, she asked me if I felt I made enough money to postpone her going back to work right away. She said she feels Aleah especially needs her right now."

Rebekkah smiles, "I think they need each other."

"And thank you again for that program you offered the hospital. If all the hospital bills were not covered, Ruth would not feel so free to have this option."

"Hearing that makes it all worth it! People are the best investments. And please tell me if Ruth has a change of heart. If she begins to talk like she should go back to work, tell me about it. I've been considering telling her that I'm really Sarah Tressel. But don't you go saying anything to her; I'm not ready yet. Everything will come in good time."

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"I'm not so sure Ruth would have let you pay for the hospital bills if she'd known it was meant directly to benefit her."

"I don't really get it! What difference does it make if you know the person or not? If you accept charity, you accept charity."

"Maybe if you know the person and they know you, then perhaps you fear strings are attached." "Is it wrong that strings are attached? After all, Ruth was to be my daughter-in-law."

"And what does that mean?"

"It means that I had already accepted her as a daughter. It means that I began to love her, and it means I'm not prepared to stop."

But Rebekkah does stop. She doesn't want to make it sound like it perhaps did sound. She doesn't want it to appear as if she thinks she's a better person, a better potential mother-in-law than Genny is a mother.

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ENTRY TWO

Ruth is so happy. But she can see that Mom is not.

Ruth wants to help plant some positive seeds in Mom's life. One's perspective has a lot to do with how each day unfolds. And it never hurts to plant a few seeds of encouragement.

Ruth decides to use an object lesson. It is not merely a one-time lesson. This will be a lesson similar to the one Mom had missed at Jim and Sue's cottage when she hurt her ankle. It will be a good experience that will unfold with time. Ruth just hopes that Mom is not so sick of flowers from working at the greenhouse that her object lesson with flowers will be ineffective.

Ruth asks Mom to join her on a Sunday afternoon stroll with Aleah. She plans to go to the playground again where she and Stephen first met. But this time will be different. She plans to plant seeds along the fence where she had spread Stephen's ashes late last summer.

It is symbolic for Ruth, having the substance of Stephen's ashes as part of the soil which provides nutrients for those glorious morning glories. "It's simple, Mom. Don't convince yourself that you can't do it. You can watch me plant the seeds here, but when we get home it's your turn. It's going to be your garden this year at the house. We have a new and beautiful home together this year. None of the old negative memories are to be planted in the garden. It will be your garden and you'll see, it will be a beautiful garden."

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ENTRY THREE

Ruth is thrilled each day she can wake up to take care of Aleah.

Waking early, Ruth stands over the crib, as her beautiful little daughter sleeps. Ruth smiles with wonderment at how God created such a beautiful relationship between mother and daughter, with such a bond that only lends to more understanding about God; through love revealed by the offering of His Son.

Aleah smiles in her sleep. Upon awakening, her eyes glow, adding that joyous intimacy to her smile. The joy, bursting forth at mere recognition, is a joy adults seldom duplicate amongst themselves. "They somehow seem to forget. Don't you ever forget, sweet Aleah!"

And Ruth will not forget Stephen. They were set to get married. If they had married, they would have most assuredly had children. Aleah would not be denied having a dad. She would know all about Stephen. And she would know all about her heavenly Father.

Ruth enjoys the warmth of mid-summer. She does not have to bundle Aleah up for the event of the sunrise. As she pushes her stroller to the playground, she feels an extra warmth inside. The morning glories express themselves in all their glory.

Ruth has never seen such beautiful flowers. And she feels the extra glory is God's way of touching her heart while keeping that special love alive that she and Stephen once had. The beauty of those morning glories are a reminder to her of how God has Stephen in His glorious care.

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ENTRY FOUR

The end of summer is only the beginning of something new and exciting.

Aleah is now four months old. One of Ruth's favorite seasons is just around the corner. There is so much that she wants to share with Aleah. Things she didn't get to share during her own childhood. Well, that isn't quite true. She did share with one person. Emil was a true friend. And he was always there trying to look after her.

Ruth misses Emil. She wonders how he is doing. Poor Emil . . . part of a forgotten generation. They offer so much and then life speeds on past them.

Maybe she could call him on the phone. Emil had really been the one who had cultivated her love for gardening. Emil would provide her with seeds, bulbs, and cuttings from his own garden. But mostly Emil had cultivated genuine kindness.

Better focus on getting ready for church. It doesn't look like Mom is going to make it again. It seems like she has no motivation other than going to work.

Perhaps in a few months, going back to work would be best. She had a slight break, and can continue to enjoy her daughter. There are other moms who use baby slings, and other forms of baby carriers to have their babies right there with them while they work. Aleah could be like a little papoose.

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Ruth is always eager to attend church. And today she is equally excited to come home. Ruth is particularly pleased to see that Genny is up and about.

Ruth wants to tell Genny about church, but Genny first poses a different sort of question, "On your way home from church, did you happen to take the route past your old schoolyard?"

Ruth feels someone from church must have called and told her about it, and she simply answers, "Yes."

"Tell me, how are your morning glories doing?"

This is too coincidental; Ruth has to ask, "Did someone from church call and mention it to you?"

"No one called me this morning or any other morning for that matter. What do you mean? Did someone mention what to me?"

"The flowers at the schoolyard. I thought that's why you asked me if I took that route. The vines from the morning glories I planted are all over the old schoolyard fence. And they are in full bloom. They're really beautiful; so much so that Pastor mentioned seeing them and worked it into his message this morning."

Genny feels there's a personal message in it for her. And somehow God must agree with her . . . that she's a failure and there is no glory of His to be had by her.

Genny stares out the window, "Be honest with me Ruth . . . you know I don't get up early enough to see the morning glories, so you must tell me; are there ever any blossoms on the ones that I planted here?"

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Ruth attempts to be encouraging, but at the same time honest, "No Mom, . . . not yet."

Genny continues to stare out the window, "Not yet?"

"Well, you know how plants are . . ."

"To be honest with you, I don't. I was never good with plants. But I guess I do know how plants are. They're like people. Never can figure them out! I was never any good with people either."

Many thoughts quickly run through Ruth's head, but none that can refute what Mom had just said. Ruth realizes that silence could be falsely interpreted as her being in agreement. It is safer to stick to the subject of plants. "Your morning glory vines are as big as the ones I planted. They're huge! I'm sure that one of these days, to your surprise, those vines will burst with blossoms!"

"How many weeks have yours been blooming?"

Ruth realizes that it has been weeks. Perhaps the subject of plants isn't a very good one either. Better focus on something entirely different. "I love you, Mom!"

Genny continues to stare out the window. She knows Ruth loves her. What is in question is her own love. She wants to say how much she loves Ruth, but how can she put into words that which she has never truly shown? She was a failure as a mom when Ruth was a child, and she continues to be a failure. When Aleah was about to be born, she couldn't even keep it together for that potentially joyous occasion. She was not only a failure, but an utter embarrassment to her daughter.

Genny turns around, but doesn't even look up, "Well, I've got to go to work in the morning. Better get my rest."

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ENTRY FIVE

The following day is an overcast day. This suits Genny just fine. She feels she has not pleased God. If not for the rest of the people on earth, the sun would probably never come out. It is evident that there is no glory in her life.

Genny leaves the house with no recognition of anything around her. She will go to work and come back home, go to work and come back home; for the rest of her days here on earth.

When Genny gets home from work, she doesn't see or hear anything from Ruth and Aleah. She figures they are just out for a stroll.

Suddenly Genny hears something from Ruth's bedroom. It is a quiet noise, but definitely a mild movement.

Ruth's bedroom door is ajar. Genny walks near enough to view inside. Ruth is stretched out across her bed. She is still in her pajamas and appears to be sleeping.

Ruth never wears her pajamas until she is ready for bed. And they are the first thing off in the morning. Ruth never sits around or lies around in her pajamas. Now this is the final blow.

It was only a matter of time. Sooner or later Ruth had to wear down and become just like her mom. Isn't that what usually happens? A person can only be positive so long when there's nothing to be positive about. But Ruth is such a positive person. It had to be her mom's fault. Ruth has finally broken down and is becoming just like Genny.

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Genny goes to bed, but she can't sleep. She cries for a bit, then just lies awake in bed, subject to any thought that wants to enter.

Finally, just past mid-night, Genny nods off to sleep. All the past floods in. And her greatest fear haunts her from within her dream . . . the fear of her husband.

Genny can't escape the strangle-hold that Roy has upon her. She sits up in bed, gasping for air. She feels for her own throat and takes a breath. She had dreamt Roy was back in her life.

Genny gets out of bed to get a drink. She is still having difficulty breathing.

She meets Ruth in the hallway. "Are you okay, Mom?"

"Yes, I'll be okay . . . I just need some water."

"You look really frazzled, Mom . . . are you sure you're okay?"

"I just had a nightmare."

"It was about dad, wasn't it?"

"How did you know?"

"It's that look . . . I've seen it for years. No one has that effect upon you like dad."

Genny can't contain herself. She knows Ruth understands. "It's not just the dreams at night; I see him everywhere. I imagine him in my dreams, stalking me. In the daylight, I imagine that I see him on the streets, in the crowds at the mall, and even at the greenhouse."

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Ruth can't stand seeing Mom torture herself like this. "Mom, life is a matter of perspective. It may not always be easy, but we have to work at our happiness. Happiness is a choice. We have to sort out the bad from the good. I dream of Stephen . . . I see him in the streets, and at the mall. I see him in Hannah and Harold, in our friends at church, and I see him in you. Yes, we all become a part of each other. And even when someone is gone from us, that person is still a part of us. There are the good memories, and also the bad memories. You can choose the good memories. And you can choose who you can become."

"Who can I become?"

"You can become my best friend."

Genny feels hurt. Ruth is right . . . but at this moment, it only surmounts her overwhelming feelings of failure. She resorts only to building her own defense, "Stephen was your best friend. Few people have it within them to be a friend like that. The rest of us just end up being . . . nobody's friend. I always feared you'd end up like me. Now look at you . . . you didn't even get out of your pajamas today!"

"That's because Aleah was running a high fever last evening and I didn't get much sleep. I gave her several sponge baths, but breast-feeding seemed to provide her only source of comfort. She just began to improve this afternoon and we were both so exhausted, we just kind of passed out together."

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That really does it for Genny. She really feels useless now. Ruth is always so independent, she wouldn't ask for help. But she shouldn't have to ask. Genny should be a real Mom and be aware of what is going on. She truly wants to be Ruth's best friend, but sadly she doesn't have any of the qualifications.

Ruth sees that Mom is beginning to cry. She grabs a flashlight. "I'll be back in a minute, Mom."

Ruth returns inside in fifty seconds. She sits on the sofa beside her Mom. "Mom, I'm sorry I made you think I'm comparing you to anyone. I love you the way you are. I just wish you were a little bit happier. I want it for you, just like you want it for me. It's not really about who we are, it's about what is inside each of us."

Ruth hands her Mom a leaf, "I got this off the morning glory vine. It's a beautiful shape, isn't it!"

Genny holds the heart-shaped leaf in her right hand. Her tears still leave her in silence.

Ruth extends her right hand, resting it upon her Mom's left hand. "Yes, Jesus is the vine. We are all the little hearts. He shows us His glory in His time. When the Son is revealed, all those who have blossomed, rightfully bow to the Light."

Ruth stands, still holding Mom's hand within hers. "Let me show you something, Mom."

This time Mom is led by Daughter …to the back door. "We don't have to go out; just tell me what you see,"

Ruth shines the flashlight out towards the garden near the house. It takes Genny's breath away! The morning glory vine is filled with blossoms; some beautiful sky blue, some red, some pink, and some either deep blue or purple. "I can't believe it! How can this be?"

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"It was an overcast day today. When the morning glories blossomed this morning, the sun did not show itself, so the flowers didn't fade. You know, it's part of a great deceit that there is no glory in an overcast day. Sometimes there is more glory, and it lasts much longer. Let me read something to you. When I check on Aleah, I'll get my Bible and read to you 'The Gospel According to Matthew.' I'll be right back."

Ruth does return quickly, "Chapter twenty-seven tells of the wonderful glory on an overcast day. It's talking about the crucifixion of Jesus: Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land unto the ninth hour. Then verse fifty-one refers to when Jesus died: And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from top to bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent; and graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose . . ."

Genny's tears begin to gather, "You are right …that does give hope on a gloomy day ..it just doesn't feel too good to be a part of the gloom."

"You are a part of the hope too, Mom."

"I know the promises we have. I thank God for sending His Son. I guess I'm thinking too much about myself. It just doesn't feel too good that I haven't been any part of that."

"You are a part of that!"

"No, I know what God has promised …and I also know He gives it freely …I don't have to earn it; but that's not what I mean. I just mean …that I haven't done my job very well here on earth. I had one job to do, to be a mom, and I've failed."

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"What do you mean, you failed? I'd say you qualify. I can go to the County Clerk and I'm sure they have a record of my birth certificate."

Genny's tears gather quickly. She doesn't say anything.

Ruth rests her head against Mom's shoulder, then asks softly, "Did you ever wish you hadn't?"

Genny tries to find the words, but can't.

Ruth continues her line of thought, "Did I ever become such a burden that …"

Genny has to almost shout to penetrate her tears, but by the time the words reach her lips, she is gasping for breath. Her body begins to shake as she cries out, "Is that what you've thought! Is that how I've made you feel?"

"No, I was just wondering …"

Her voice trails. "Oh, Ruth! I've never felt that! When you were born, I couldn't imagine anyone in the world more happy than me. And the only thing that ever changed was that there were times when I wish someone else could have been your mom. You deserve better than me. But I've always loved you. It may not seem like it, but I really love you. I'm really sorry …I guess it would have been nice if I'd have told you that more often."

Ruth puts her arms around her mom, "I love you, Mom. You are my best friend!"

Unseen by Ruth, Genny's face grimaces with pain. It must be so obvious to Ruth that she is not returning the embrace. "How can you say that? How have I been a friend?"

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Ruth continues to hold her tight, whispering, "I really admire you, Mom."

Genny tries not to shriek, "Admire me?"

"Yes, you have endured so much, and continue to persevere. We all have our weak moments, but your heart has always been there for me. You may not have always known what to do in every situation, but I know you were always wanting the best for me …even when maybe it didn't appear so."

"I guess we've both been through a lot."

Neither one wants to mention dad, the one who has put them through so much.

Genny finally reaches out. No more holding back. No more faintheartedness. She fully embraces her daughter. "I guess there is hope for a gloomy mom! You are my best friend too. And together we are going to show that daughter of yours, my granddaughter, the best life there can be. That is not only my hope and my prayer …that is going to be our reality!"

What a beautiful thing for those who boldly stand for that which is right …and are strong and vulnerable at the same time!

They embrace each other for a very long time. Tears are spent …and spent wisely.

Aleah begins to stir and they add her to their embrace …embracing each other's lives with renewed commitment.

They join in prayer, thanking God for each other, and for Aleah.

This is just a beginning . . . but a very beautiful and new beginning. Hope springs eternal from a new positive outlook on life. After all, it's a choice ...and it's the correct choice.

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This began as Sarah's story.

But it could also be considered Ruth's story.

Not the familiar Naomi and Ruth story,

but perhaps a bit of

Rebekkah and Ruth . . .

a near mother-in-law

with a near daughter-in-law.

Though that would require Rebekkah

eventually revealing to Ruth

who she really is.

Or could it be . . . Genny and Ruth's story?

Wasn't that the happy ending that we just read?

And as the story of the oak tree goes, where one story ends,

another story usually begins.

This could be the beginning of Aleah's story . . . . .

Each of us has a story, but it means very little without His story . . . . .

verses

listed in

the Prologue:

1 John, Chapters 3&4

Matthew, Chapters 5&18

Romans, Chapter 8

Ecclesiastes, Chapter 11

Epilogue

As this story shows, misunderstandings cause much unnecessary stress in our lives, even where love is supposed to abound.

Sometimes during marriage, both husband and wife may claim that their spouse is a different person than the one they married.

Parents may not understand why their child would do the thing they do.

A child may not understand why his parents are reacting in a certain way, or on the other hand, why they may not be reacting at all.

Often times we come right out and tell the other person, "You wouldn't understand."

Perhaps we could understand better if the time was taken to explain, perhaps after the air clears and emotions settle back a little. Things may improve, but there would still be misunderstandings because often we don't really understand our own feelings and where they come from.

Others can't understand us if we don't even understand ourselves. Then who does understand?

Furthermore, if we don't understand something, and we express it to someone else, it's easy to see how one misunderstanding leads to another.

You may think this conversation is getting confusing, but the one thing that has been understood is that things have always been generally misunderstood.

At this point, I think we'd all tend to agree.

But there's one rather lengthy book I've read that has helped me understand things. The best place to start is in the beginning of the book, and it says that in the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

How do we get to understand or know about God?

God wasn't going to create life with a mindless purposelessness; God reveals Himself to us in this book. This book is the Bible. We begin to understand more as we read along. We also find that it's true that things have always been generally misunderstood.

God created man and woman, and they didn't understand. Things changed after that. Man and Woman had to learn the hard way, much as we have to through much of our lives. But if we read about some of their mistakes, perhaps we can avoid similar mistakes in our own lives.

God used all sorts, from slaves to kings, to lead the people in a way that He chose to reveal to them, but He also gave each person a choice.

From what we read, man seems to favor his own leading over God's way. Man continued to distort the image of God and lead one another in ways man created; so how was man to know God?

Well, as we often say, if you want the job done right you have to do it yourself. God sent Himself through sending Jesus.

The Old Testament prophets had told of a coming Saviour. Jesus fulfilled those promises. He did not fulfill the image everyone wanted to accept, as He walked the earth as man; but He fulfilled His purpose in showing us the undisputed way, adopting all believers as His own.

Jesus came to reveal the truth to us, and by accepting Jesus we are accepting God as Himself, not as man would imagine God. In return, God accepts us and we will have life eternal, as it was meant to be from the beginning.

By learning what God says to us in the Bible, we begin to understand more about ourselves. Then and only then can we begin to understand others better.

Those not professed as Christians may still be waiting for something or seem somewhat content with their own way, building a security around themselves through the acceptance of others. As Christians, others are not to assume that we would be perfect children. We are far from that! But we should grow to love our Heavenly Father, always knowing that our home is with Him and that is where we turn in time of joy as well as in time of need.

Of course, there are those who try to distort the truth about Jesus and form an image of Him to try to satisfy their own agenda (read Matthew 7:15-23). Let us pray for discernment of spirits.

Read the parable beginning at Matthew 21:33 --- and also Deuteronomy, chapter 8 and 10:12-22; Psalms 37-40 and 103; Isaiah 55:6-11; Jeremiah 5:21-30 and Lamentations 3:21-40; Jonah 4:10-11; Micah 6:6-8; Zachariah 7:9-13; Luke 11:24-26 and 12:42-48; John 15:18-25; and Romans 1:17-2:7 and chapter 12.

I grew up in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan,

near the edge of a small town,

on a 7-acre property I still call home.

Most of the property bordered on

a limitless extension of wooded property east of the house;

filled with discovery and adventure.

I was content with the home my dad and mom provided for me …

along with my brothers and sister.

I do not recall ever desiring to leave there

to see what the surrounding world had to offer.

I felt I never wanted to experience

the world's version of right and wrong.

Having read of that infamous garden of Eden tragedy,

would I feel inclined towards

any more knowledge of good and evil?

Or was I satisfied with my present naïve condition …

finding no real need for the innocence within me to die,

and seeing no possible attainable benefit

through an increased exposure to an evil world?

Wouldn't being exposed to darkness draw us closer to the Light?

Or would that prove not to be so?

It may be different for each of us.

It is called choice.

There are various callings.

As we experience life, some of us are called out of the garden,

and perhaps we don't quite understand why.

But this book …and the ones that follow

will hopefully bring to light some of the reasons.

Book I.-----So Loved (2nd Edition)

Book II.----The Curious Whether and How

Book III.---Do the Birds in the Wilderness Not Heard, Stop Singing Their Songs?

Book IV.---The Evolution of Confusion

Genesis 2:15 ---

And the Lord God took the man,

and put him into the garden of Eden

to dress it and keep it.

And the Lord God commanded the man,

saying, of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:

But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,

thou shalt not eat of it . . . .

A gardener: One who is skilled at working a select piece of ground;

caring for it, tending it, and cultivating it for the purpose of growing.

Make sure we nurture and cultivate our children's understanding,

by grounding them in the Word of God.

My garden is my home . . . to dress and keep it.

My home is wherever God provides for me . . .

with the ones God so lovingly provided for me . . . my wife and children.

And I cannot thank God enough for giving us . . .each other.

The morning glory---with its pure white center,

offering us the golden scepter and heralding a five-star performance of its beauty;

or rather a five star axis radiating outward

across the soft petals of brilliant purple, pink, scarlet, and sky blue . . .

Also consider the lilies of the field . . . (Matthew 6:28-33).

We all tend to see and experience things that we wonder why we've had to. Working for over 30 years within the Department of Mental Health, yes, that has crossed my mind many times.

What others may consider bizarre, has become rather commonplace to me. If it's a bit difficult to imagine dealing with this on a daily basis, perhaps it's best you not consider this your field of study.

On the other hand, neither would I suggest you remove yourself totally from this reality. Doing that would put yourself in danger of becoming complacent.

To help minimize that danger, it became one of my heart's desires to share some of my experiences. I soon began writing things down, with hopes that one day I would be able to share these thoughts, concerns, and experiences.

Sometimes we're trapped so long within a situation, we can only feel the devastating effects, and the strangle-hold it has upon us. So what do we do?

This series of books is my own personal reconciliation with what I believe I can do. I am writing because in the midst of it all, inspiration drew within me another breath.

Beyond devastation, there is Light …and there's enlightenment. That's truly where understanding springs eternal.

Each of us must face the many questions we encounter along the path of life's journey. The journey God provides is our experience. Experience is a thing to be shared …if we experience each day through Him.

For the healthy part of life to be fully experienced, we must realize that it is not through our experience alone, but rather through God showing us and others.

Only God can see it the absolute correct way …and we benefit through seeking Him and His will, granting us true perspective.

Our second daughter has an Origami kit. Now, there are those of us who are good at certain things. Some of us have a mind for cars …some of us have a mind for anything mechanical. I certainly don't seem to have a mind for following directions …at least in the format enclosed within the package, supplied by the manufacturer.

Our daughter asked for my help, and I struggled not to frustrate myself and her by my inability to follow the directions. Yes, Origami does look interesting, but I'm not too enthused to flirt with and court failure.

To my surprise though, I was able to attain my goal …by looking at the picture of the finished product.

We likely would be more successful in life, able to attain our goals, if we could just envision ourselves as the finished product …seeing ourselves as God sees us.

But our minds have been so turned about by the various experiences that fill each of our lives. Some of us have lived tormented lives …some of us have been abused, our character damaged and bruised. Perhaps we've lost our credibility with others, and we wait for them to accept us, yet we continue to incarcerate ourselves with self-imposed labels …all but eliminating any hope we may have imagined.

How can we come up from under that …and get over it?

The Book to the Romans, chapter 2, verse 2, speaks to us also: "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind; that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God."

And it also helps if I don't look at it as a product that I purchase. The Book to the Ephesians, chapter 1, verses 13-14, says: "In whom ye also trusted, after that ye heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also after that ye believed, ye were sealed with that Holy Spirit of promise, which is the earnest of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, unto the praise of His glory."

And the Book to Titus, chapter 3, verses 5-7: "Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Spirit; which He shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Saviour; that being justified by His grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life."

We certainly can't do well if we lose heart …or if we don't have a heart for what we are doing.

Psalm 51, verse 10, reads: "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."

If we truly want to understand, we will open up to His Word, and see what others have seen …the beauty of what has been revealed to us.

Must we have both the knowledge of good & evil???

Saturday, May 12, 2018

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