Must we have both the knowledge of good & evil???: The Curious Whether & How ...

Terrible scenes visit our television screens in the name of entertainment. And they often make light of the horrifying realities that do exist.

These realities may take place in another corner of the world, and we may feel far removed from them. So, we too often seek out to deny them, by stating those insensitive words: "It will never happen to me!"

I challenge you to ask yourself why that would be a more comforting reality.

Tired of watching the same old gloom and doom on the news? ---or reading about it? Tired of reading books that show the grim realities?

So am I ...but, I can't hide within an ivory tower.

All these people could be me.

All these people could be you.

Be thankful they are not.

* * * * * But by the grace of God, I am what I am ... (Corinthians 15:10)

I.

Major puts the gun to her head. She is dying anyway, so why not make it dramatic.

Darin had made his exit that way. Not with a gun, but in a dramatic fashion nonetheless.

She thinks back.

Life had been simple for her and Darin. They were not like the rest. They stood as conscientious objectors in a social war that was going on. Of course, it had always been going on; just seemed more sophisticated as time went on.

But Darin and Major would not enlist themselves in what they viewed as a mindless game. They had as much outer turmoil in their lives as anyone, but they didn’t allow their struggles to cause grief in others’ lives. And though everyone seems to go through at least some phase of inner turmoil, they kept most of theirs under control. They relied on the strength of each other and that of their friendship.

Darin had been her best friend and the closeness was evident. Their camaraderie was to be admired. Major longed for the day when feelings would express themselves in more intimate ways, but for the moment she’d been content with being best friends.

Finally the day came when Darin expressed the feelings she had been waiting for ... but they were not for her. She could no longer trust her emotions.

She was devastated. She began to panic. She didn’t know what to do. But she knew how she felt. She felt betrayed.
1

There was not a person around who had truly felt more secure in a friendship than Major. Now all her emotions and everything their friendship had stood for had been violated. Her emotions were scrambling, desperately seeking an outlet, an explanation.

To her, love was supposed to grow out of a shared friendship, not spring forth out of nowhere.
Without warning, everything had turned around and she faced a life of turmoil. Confidence and trust were replaced by a well-known fear. The fear that the ones we love will one day leave us.

It was a fear that was no stranger to her own home, but she never believed it would happen with Darin. She thought they both felt the same way about each other.

But, suddenly the only guy she ever loved was suddenly obsessed with another girl.

This fear dominated her thoughts. Nothing else seemed to hold quite as much significance. Maybe they had taken each other's friendship too much for granted . Major couldn't figure it out. Maybe Darin couldn't either, but it was happening.

Darin had his mind set on this girl, Nicole. Major admired Darin's determination, but in this case it was tearing her apart. She wanted Darin to be happy, but she wanted to be a part of that happiness. And the fear of losing Darin to Nicole was a present force that was causing an erosion of faith in Major's own friendship.

Then the evening came. That very special evening that Darin was to share with Nicole. It was going all too well for them. Major feared that all she had dreamed for would stroll off in another girl's arms. The thought terrified her. How could Nicole rob her of her dream?

2

She had told Darin that Nicole didn't love her, hoping he wasn't so dense and could see who really did. But she feared each moment Nicole was with Darin, that Nicole may realize how really special Darin was.

Would Nicole fall in love with Darin? Major feared for her life. Darin was her life. She felt like someone had taken a knife and cut her heart out, leaving it exposed to the elements. Was there an element of truth to Darin's feelings toward Nicole? Did he truly love Nicole?

Major's throat knotted up. She was filled with intense anguish. She knew she'd survive. She always did. But this time the cuts ran deep. It would take a long time for the wounds to heal.

She fought back the tears, but almost choked on them. It was no use. She was not prepared for this. How could anyone prepare for something like this?

Tears streamed down her face, begging the question: "Can life be any worse?" It would take a bit longer to answer that question; but suddenly her desperate pleas appeared to be answered.

What she had dreaded would be the worse day of her life turned into a dream come true. As the evening drew to an end, she was in Darin's arms, not Nicole.

What a miraculous turnabout of events!

Major felt reborn. It was as if the universe loved her in a special way. Every star in the sky celebrated the tremendous joy she felt in her heart as they winked at her and said, "You didn't really think we'd let you down, did you?"

Major laughed. Then she cried and said to herself, "How little faith we have. We torture ourselves needlessly when we give up on our hopes and dreams before time has had a chance to unfold them."

3

Major had learned that love can be hard, but those experiences work to challenge our development. Some let their feelings die. Some convert hurt into hate. But when we don't abandon love, it can show us new dimensions of love; and can later intensify our happiness. And Major was intensely happy. She had never known a moment as great as this.

The tears this time were tears of relief, thanks, and joy. Her dream was alive and she was living it.

The next morning she was awakened by the rain. Nothing could dampen her spirits. She laughed and ran barefoot in the rain. She had planted some flowers in the back of the house. There was only one flower left that the dog had spared in his massive excavation efforts. Major figured the rain had interrupted the poor mutt from completing the dig. But the dog would surely return after the rain, so she snatched up the flower and held it near her heart. The flower was much like Darin . . . the only precious one left in a world that, like the dog, didn't really know what it was doing. No, she didn't believe that! People know better. But it didn't matter at this point. They couldn't hurt Darin. He belonged to her and she would protect him from the cruel world.

The sky darkened as the rain increased, but to Major everything was still bright. She carried the flower inside as the sky lit up and the thunder came. She would match the thunder with drumming up a little storm of her own.

Major had been unable to drum lately. It might work for some people, but she was never able to drum out her frustrations. But now that she was on top of the world, she and the drums could once again become one.

She seemed to outperform the storm. The skies cleared and the sun came out. But the sun could not even complete its path from east to west before her dream would fade. That's how brief she had lived her dream.

Her dream was over now. No hope or faith could change that. Nothing could bring Darin back.

The deep love that she had felt brought her happiness, now had left her open to intense hurt. That was one of the cruel pitfalls of life for those willing to risk that depth of emotion.

Major had felt she was set up. Life had betrayed her in the cruelest way. She was not a stranger to hardship. Her family had experienced many struggles, but she had always been able to look beyond the difficulties and find some enjoyment out of life. But that was different. She could understand that . . . but not this world of deceit which sets you up with happy moments only to compound the hurt later. What kind of life allows you to begin to believe, only to eventually destroy everything that you believe in?

The ultimate horror of deceit poisons her blood. It rushes to her brain. This is insanity! What is the purpose of her life? To be tested and tortured, to see how long she can endure the pain? It's simply maddening to think her dreams had come true, only to die so quickly!

Well, she will die with her dreams . . . quickly. The loaded gun will cry out and it will be finished.

Death is cruel to everyone, but Major isn't thinking of everyone. She is thinking of Darin Daniels. Those two words, Darin Daniels, had made her the happiest person on earth. But now they've plunged her into inescapable misery. He had given her life just a short time ago. Now, his death was certain to bring hers.

And the words she'd heard at the cemetery the day before also play cruel torment on her mind.

Major hadn't heard one kind word, except from Darin's family. But they hardly acknowledged her. Unlike Darin, they felt Major was one who had been designed for the sort of life she lived. As they saw it, Major's family had not tried hard enough. And though Major was only a victim of that, they felt she was destined to suffer the same fate. Everything in life had to be earned. And until their son died, they believed people deserved what they got.

The others had stood there with stone faces as cold and hard as the gravestones themselves. Major had broken into tears and nearly collapsed, but she had heard the whispers. They said that she loved Darin too much and had set herself up for a fall. Darin did not ever care for Major they said. Darin had gone after Nicole. Next week he would find another, and pursue that dream. He used Major because he knew she'd always be there. Another voice said that it was best for Major that Darin died, because that way she could lay claim to his love, and pretend he cared the same for her. If he had lived, he would have left her behind for someone else and Major would be in agony again. But this way, Major could grieve the loss, suffer her misery, and then go on with life in a real way ...not living in empty hopes for Darin.

Shallow is too kind of a word for them, Major convinces herself. They feel no remorse. She has no friends here. She has no friends anywhere. How can they say she was wrong to love Darin so much? She has to love to the fullest, or life isn't worth anything. But there is a time when life's worth runs its course . . . and there isn't any reason to live.

Major had thought she'd die when Darin had been in Nicole's arms, but now that Darin had met the arms of death, the feeling isn't even comparable.

Major is beyond hurt. Pain is too light a word for it. Each breath brings on increased mindless torture. It will not change ...it will just take more victims as time goes on. There will be no more healing. Life has nothing to offer her, but more of what she is already feeling. Trying to escape the reality will be denying her true feelings. To deny her feelings will be no less than sacrificing the pure purpose of life itself.

Death is a state of no feeling ...no more pain, no more deceit. She has to end it all somehow, and this is the only way. Reality is spreading like a cruel infection that has entered her bloodstream. Her emotional immune system is broken down. How much more can she take?

No more.

The gun is the only way she can stand in defiance to all this. Major presses the hard cruel barrel against her temple.

Major holds the gun against her head for a moment, then pulls it away. She feels faint. Lightening up on her grip, she focuses to keep from falling.

Her life is not void of feeling, but all the feeling she has permitted in her life is now causing her pain without ceasing. She has to get beyond that. She has to numb her emotions. She has to face the facts. Life is meaningless to her now. But death has meaning. Death means the end to it all.

She presses the gun tightly against her head again. She can barely feel it. Everything is numb.

Major tries to imagine already pulling the trigger. Okay, she is dying now. Death will come soon. Thoughts and feelings will cease to exist. Major tries to focus on nothingness, but the same thoughts and questions keep bombarding her. Questions she is certain she'll never find the answers to. But she is also certain she knows the life ahead for her. And her answer to that is the gun held to her head.

Her thoughts run wild. Why is her mind filled with so many countless diversions? Why can't she just pull the trigger?

Actually, her thoughts are not that diverse. It is rather simple. Her life was centered around Darin. And now that Darin is dead, life has rapidly moved from meaningful to meaningless.

Major's life is out of control. She screams inwardly, "This is insane ...thinking the same things over and over again. I know what I have to do, ...what's so hard about doing it?"

Her finger is frozen on the trigger. The anxiety is paralyzing. The gun feels cold and heavy, but nothing compared to life itself.

Her hand begins to shake as she feels the tension of the trigger, "I can't put this off any longer. There is no future for me." She flashes evidence of this through her mind, but realizes why she can't pull the trigger just yet. She will be acting out of emotion and impulse; and she doesn't want to do that. These will be her last thoughts and she will allow them their time. When her mind runs its course and has rationalized every thought, and when her mind is finally void of any thought except that of opposing life, then she will pull the trigger. But first, like everything else she does, she has to think this thing through.

It isn't that Major enjoys the Shakespearean style of drama and has to playact the famous soliloquy, "To be or not to be ...", but she does have to weigh everything. She realizes she has to push emotions aside. She has to make a logical decision, not an emotional one.

Major takes several deep breaths. She stops choking and begins to breathe easily. The tears dry. As always, she is going to think this thing through logically. You have to be confident with your decision, she is certain of that. You can't change your mind at the last second.

Major thinks back to what happened to Carrie.

Carrie was the only real friend of her brother, Len. They had been close like Darin and her. Major liked Carrie. Most everyone in the sector they lived in liked Carrie. She was like the spiritual leader of the camaraderie. But no one knew how Carrie suffered inside. She appeared so confident and secure on the outside.

Then one day the girls were going to have a sector party at Carrie's house. Major stopped by the sound shop to see Darin and lost track of the time. When she reached Carrie's house, Major went into shock. She was greeted by a babbling, delirious girl with a backdrop of motionless bodies filling the room. The panic-stricken girl babbled on and on. Though Major couldn't make out what she was saying, she could see the obvious; and she began to panic too.

Major found a note beside Carrie. The note was very personalized and addressed each one of them. Beside the only girl still alive and breathing this madness was a bottle.

It was obvious what they had tried to do. One last time, they had reached out to Carrie as their spiritual leader and followed her example. One by one, in horrendous fashion, the other girls had also defied the skull and crossbones warning.

Now this girl was alone to testify. She grabbed Major in desperation. Her eyes expressed the horror. She had changed her mind. She suddenly did not want to die ...but it was too late.

The girl babbled on and on, but Major could only imagine what her thoughts were. Seeing Major alive, the girl seemed to want to live. She felt the love flow out from Major as Major held her. Had this girl witnessed the others as they died, or had she arrived late and found the others as Major had?

It didn't matter. However it happened, nothing could be done now.

It was by far the worse thing Major had ever experienced ...seeing this girl cry out desperately as she held her in those last dying moments. She hadn't wanted to die.

Major knew she couldn't go that way. She couldn't die with uncertainty. If Major did it, she would be sure. She would not change her mind. She would die with peace and confidence. She was sure of that.

Or was she?

Major tries to move her finger on the trigger, but she can barely feel it.

She can barely feel anything, so why can't she just do it?

She can feel the inward screams, "You're stalling again. You got off on another tangent. You're feeding your emotions again."

Major could feel the emotions rise. She couldn't stand the constant deliberation ...that alone kills. I have to make up my mind quickly and do what I decide, she tells herself. We all search for reason and purpose in life; and if I can't find any, then I'll pull the trigger. So get it together Major ...clear your mind and just summon up the facts.

Major lowers the gun to her side. She stares at Darin's gravestone; and it becomes a witness stand in a courtroom. Witnesses will be called up to testify to the worth of her life and a jury will carefully listen to each testimony before deciding her fate.

She focuses on the jury to see who will determine her fate. Her eyes fix on her dad. He is passing out drinks to his buddies in the jury box. His eyes meet hers. He shows no recognition. He stares through his daughter as if she were a stranger. He doesn't say anything, but then again he doesn't have to. He said it by leaving home and leaving them without a dad, shortly after their mom died. Her dad takes a long deep gulp of liquor.

The first witness is being sworn in. Major's brother, Len, listens as he is asked, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ..."

Len is wasted again. He asks, "What truth?" Len is sincere. He doesn't know what truth is. He doesn't know what reality is. Their dog, Huck, knows more about what goes on than Len does. At least the dog knew something was up. Huck could sense Major was in pain. Len had been wasted alot lately. He didn't know what had happened and was in no shape to console his sister even if he had heard about Darin. Len is in no shape to testify about anything.

Major closes her eyes.

She and Len had been real close. Ted was more quiet and always to himself, but Len was always interested in what his sister was going through. He was always there for her like a true brother.

That was until mom died. Dad was not coping well with her death and Len got real close to dad during the next several months. And he stopped being the brother Major could always turn to. She tried to turn to Ted, but he was the loner. Ted slipped into a state of non-presence. It was Ted's way of coping.

Dad and Len seemed to suffer silently together. Major was never really close to her dad, and though she really would have liked to be at this time, the distance between them seemed to grow. Grandma had always said that. Major was like her mom; and maybe when mom died, it was too much for dad to handle.

Major could have used a brother at this time, but with neither of them to turn to, she had no family support at this time except grandma who was not doing too well in fighting her bout with cancer. This was when Darin had come through for her in a big way.

Maybe Len got real close to dad because he could see something that her and Ted couldn't. Len seemed perceptive of the future. He feared the future. He knew what was coming.

Then it happened. Dad left.

Len searched desperately to find dad. Maybe he could convince dad to come back home. Len tried to bring hope back to the family, but that was not an easy task. Hope was hard to come by. Grandma's death didn't help heal their outlook either. But Len still tried to carry the torch for the family. He talked of grandiose plans of how the three of them were going to make it on their own. He took all the family responsibilities onto himself.

Len began working two jobs. He wanted his brother and sister to concentrate on school. He said college was important. He wanted them to be successful. He said all the things that dad had never said. But he was so oriented towards success that he failed to make note of their greater emotional needs.

No one could be a better brother than Len, but he was no longer being a brother. He was being a provider only. He meant well for each of them, but he neglected to see their real needs.

Then Len lost his best friend Carrie. Major knew Len had taken partial blame for dad leaving. Now much in the same way he was suffering silently with guilt over Carrie's death. Best friends somehow feel they share everything. Carrie had not shared the turmoil inside her. It wasn't Len's fault that he couldn't see what was going on inside Carrie. But Len wouldn't face the fact that he could not have stopped Carrie. Len felt that a best friend should have been able to prevent it.

Len seemed to bury his own hopes with Carrie. He showed no consideration for himself anymore, but he seemed addicted to the desires of success and happiness for his brother and sister. In his eyes, success and happiness were the same thing. It had not always been that way, but Len seemed to have lost his sense of happiness.

It was just last week that this idea of success had actually succeeded in splitting the family apart. A special program for high achievers was discussed in school and Len convinced his younger brother to look into it.

Ted was not putting much hope in being accepted. It was like a foreign exchange student program, but only different. There was no exchange. A foreign family was willing to take in a student for a trial experience, then after a year if both enjoyed the arrangement, the student had the option to stay on to further his education.

Ted was accepted into the program. It seemed to lift a great burden off of Len's shoulders. He wouldn't have to worry about providing for his younger brother. Len had only his sister to provide for. He had not been taking the burden well lately, but he'd assumed the load himself. He wouldn't let her drop out of school to get a job, nor would he let her get a job after school. He told her that her future was with Darin and not to let a job get in the way. He didn't want his sister to lose a best friend. And that was a possibility when Nicole got in the way.

Major slowly opens her eyes. But she doesn't see rows of headstones. The courtroom still occupies her vision. Nicole is on the witness stand. Major doesn't want to see her there, but she is there.

Major had been quite surprised when she saw Clint Davis at Nicole's place the day after Nicole's big date with Darin. Clint had been deeply humiliated by Nicole. But it wasn't the slap across the face from Nicole that wounded Clint the most, it was Darin's moment of glory. Darin rubbed it in Clint's face with the parting words, "The game's over Clint. You're a fake. And they all know it."

Not that Clint believed he was finished. He was not dumb. He knew the group he hung around with were a bunch of losers. He had taken advantage of that. They wanted a leader to guide them and show them how to act. Darin had temporarily challenged Clint, but Clint knew Darin was not interested in leading the pack. He was best at that. And they needed him.

As far as Nicole was concerned, Clint knew Nicole had been strong to take a stance against him, but the strength had come from Darin. Darin was strong. Nicole was weak. Clint had seen Nicole's reaction when Darin's car wouldn't start. Darin lifted up the hood to see what was wrong and at that point Nicole realized that she and Darin were wrong together. Hardship sent chills throughout Nicole. She was insecure. Darin couldn't offer her the level of security she needed. She needed someone with lots of money. She wouldn't tolerate hardship. Major on the other hand, seemed to thrive on hardship. She happened by as Darin was working on the car. She just happened to know a thing or two about cars. She also knew a thing or two about compassion.

The very next morning, Major couldn't believe her eyes. Clint was at Nicole's doorstep with flowers of forgiveness. Major couldn't hear what Clint was saying to Nicole, but she didn't believe any words would be good enough. Major hoped Nicole would slam the door in his face. Or slap him again, then slam the door in his face.

But she didn't.

Nicole accepted the flowers and invited Clint in. Clint must have known that Nicole would be lonesome for some of his easy living.

Major looks into Nicole's eyes. As Nicole sits boldly on the witness stand, it is as if she can read Major's thoughts and speak them aloud, "I had to go back to Clint. I couldn't chance a life of suffering. Suffering is not living. Life isn't worth it if you have to suffer."

Nicole's expression penetrates Major. It is as if she is speaking of Major's life now that Darin is dead.

Major finds no reason to disagree.

Major had been on her way to Darin's place when she had seen Clint with the flowers. When Major got there, Darin's sister was in the yard practicing some weird ritual with pompoms. With that Daniels smile, she tells Major that Darin went in to do some overtime and that she thinks Darin has something special planned for Major at the next pay day.

Major smiles. She would have to act surprised. Darin's sister could never keep a secret. She was a cute kid though, and she was happy for her brother. She knew where her heart was. Major saw the way her classmates verbally abused her, but she didn't give in. She was much like her brother in that way.

Darin's sister said that Darin had just left for work a couple of minutes ago. Major had a little extra bounce to her step as she headed towards the train tracks. Darin always went that route.

Suddenly a car screeches in front of Major, blocking her path. Major looks up.

Clint is on the witness stand. He has a big smile on his face. The big smile on Clint's face bothers Major. Nicole had forgiven him. Soon all of Clint's parasitic friends will follow suit. But Major doesn't really care. Only Darin is important to her.

Still, Major wonders how someone like Clint can stand being seen in a neighborhood so below his class. The answer is simple ...Nicole is beautiful. Beauty crosses all barriers. The concept stinks, but its track record is long.

Clint still has that ridiculous smile on his face; his arm stretched across the seat, "You're on top of the world aren't you Major? Well that's okay. The top is only temporary. No one knows that as well as I do. But I'll work my way back up there. You? You'd better enjoy it now while you can. You're a loser. You'll only get to see the top once."

Major screams at him, "It's your kind that are losers Clint. You use people, things ...you even use yourself. But you're so obsessed with what you think you are, you'll never know what you really are. In truth, you're the real loser."

Clint does not break his smile. He seems to enjoy Major's infuriated response. He laughs, "You're a loser Major because you hang out with a loser. You're the type that goes big one time in life and if you do it right then you've got it made; but if you don't do it right, you'll be crushed and it will destroy you for the rest of your life. You make love a hard thing ...if everything goes your way, you'll have what others can't imagine; but you are going to lose it because you are in love with a loser. Darin is a loser. If you hang on to that dream, you'll destroy yourself. Darin is the type that goes to the top of the mountain, but is not satisfied when he sees the next peak. Before long he will self-destruct. He will kill himself, you'll see. Then where will you be?"

Deeply angered, Major shouts, "You think you know how it is, don't you? Well you're wrong Clint. You're wrong!"

Clint smiles, "I admire you Major. I just don't want to see you get hurt. Give it up Major. Don't let Darin drag you down."

Clint squeals his tires, burning a patch of rubber to mark his departure. Major looks at the tire marks. Typical. He makes his cruel marks and then leaves.

Doesn't want to see me get hurt? What does he take me for? He can't con me like he does his friends.

Major runs towards the railroad tracks en route to the sound shop where Darin works. Barely visible about a half mile down the tracks is a figure hopping up on a rail with arms stretched out. Major is sure it is Darin catwalking down the rail.

Suddenly Major sees a train coming down the tracks towards Darin. Darin hops off the rail and walks down the middle of the tracks towards the train.

Major knows all too well this game that Darin plays ...where he steps out of the way at the last instant as the train unsuccessfully tries to screech to a halt.

Major hears the train blast its first warning. Her thoughts are thoughts of reason. I know how you feel Darin. You must feel on top of the world. I know I do. I feel so powerful with you in my life. We can take on anything, but don't mess with that train.

Darin keeps walking towards the train. The whistle continues to blast.

The whistle echoes behind Major. She doesn't know why, but she looks back. It wasn't an echo she had heard...another train is coming down the other track from the opposite direction.

Major screams Darin's name as she runs frantically towards him, but the sound of the train smothers her voice. Her heart pleads desperately, "Please step the other way!"

The train that Darin is dangerously playing his game with begins to screech in applying its brakes. At the last instant, Darin steps out of the way of the oncoming train, stepping to what he thinks is safety. But Darin steps into the other track.

The train whistle fills the air. Major screams, but it's futile against the roar of the train. Major gasps for breath as she reaches back for something extra as she continues to run towards Darin, screaming her lungs out. But it's not enough.

There are also silent screams, "Please look back!"

He does not.

The train whistle blasts once more . . . but it's too late.

Her legs collapse as she stumbles on the loose rock along the tracks. She falls down the embankment, losing consciousness.

Last night Major tossed and turned fitfully in her sleep. Every time she'd attempted to close her eyes, this unbearable reality threatened to revisit her. There would be no rest, nor sleep. Sleep had entered the realm of dread, torment, and night terrors.

Major raises her head slightly, still shielding her vision with her hands. Tears burst out from between her fingers. She calls for her key witness.

A train whistle announces his entrance into the courtroom. Death owns him. He shows no emotion. Death does not permit emotion . . . but he is still permitted to testify.

Darin takes the stand. He looks directly at Major, "I was born to die, Major. We both were born into a life of nothingness. At school we were social zeros. We didn't even exist. As fate would have it, now I don't ...only you exist. But no one cares. At home, my dad suffered each day with my failures. He only lived on with hopes that I would succeed where he didn't. Now it's over. The suffering I caused him is over. Now it's up to my sisters to not fail him. He can try to find happiness through them ...even though his happiness may not be theirs. I don't want to make it sound so bad, Major. I know you don't even have parents. Fact is you don't have anyone. What do you have to live for Major? We were good together, but two zeros still add up to zero. No, I can't tell you that. We were not zeros ... they were. We were what life was all about. I can't deceive you as death itself does. I didn't want to die. I didn't know that other train was coming. I admit I used to think this entire life-death thing was a curious game. But it had been a while since I last toyed with the actual idea of death. I was about to commit to the biggest step in our friendship. And I wanted to symbolize that by stepping out of the past. The train represented the cruel, cold aspects of my past. When the whistle blew its warning and the cold steel against steel bit the air, I leaped out of that path, leaving that cruel past behind. It was like a leap from death into life for me. With you in my life I felt there was nothing we couldn't overcome."

Major gasps. She was now certain Darin's big step was to ask her to marry him. How long had she longed for that moment? Now it was no more! What was almost hers . . . so quickly slipped away.

Major whispers a tear, "You knew I'd say yes."

Darin's loving eyes touch hers, offering a plea, "Well, we can only join in marriage if you join me! I miss you terribly. Don't wait too long. I love you!"

Major's tears scream out, "I know, Darin. I love you too."

Major allows herself one last cry. Choking on her tears, she gasps to regain her breath. She gains composure temporarily and a frightening expression introduces itself. She has heard several testimonies. She had told herself that she would look at them objectively and not let her emotions rule. But now she is completely drained. When she thought she'd turned away all her emotions, another one suddenly introduces itself ...one of defiance.

Major has a stern look on her face. She raises the gun back to her head. She cringes, "No further witnesses Your Honor."

Major pulls the trigger.

22

II.

The bullet ricochets off a headstone and whistles past an old lady placing flowers on a grave. The old lady quickly grabs her cane and stands up to look about. A good stone's throw away, she sees a figure standing deathly still.

She approaches the youthful figure. She sees the youth raise a gun to her head. The old lady wobbles into view, "I know most of the people here are dead, but you almost increased that number by one. Were you aiming at me or you trying to do yourself in?"

Major just stares at her. The old lady isn't finished, "If you tried to shoot yourself, you are the absolute worst shot I've ever seen. Even at my age with my arthritic condition, I could have done better than that. Why don't you let me try?" The old lady pauses, "How many bullets do you have left?"

Major offers a brief answer, "Two."

"Great. I'll tell you a great way to do it. But first you have to promise to play a game with me." The old lady extends her hand, "Now give me the gun." The old lady leans forward on her cane as Major does not respond, "What's the matter, you afraid I'm going to shoot you with it?"

Without emotion, Major offers a brief answer, "No."

The old lady shows great emotion, "Oh, I get it. You don't trust me. You think I'm going to take the gun from you, then turn my cane into a broom and fly out of here."

Major just stares as the old lady speaks, gesturing with her cane. Then with one surprisingly swift motion, the old lady strikes Major's hand with her cane, knocking the gun out of her hand. The gun barely has enough time to hit the ground as she hooks it and slides it towards her with the end of her cane.

The old lady reaches down to pick up the gun, "Still pretty good with the stick, huh? I used to play hockey with Gordy Howe. I used to beat him too. Of course, he was only eight years old then. When he got so he could match me, he decided it wasn't cool playing with the girls. And besides, the league wouldn't take women, especially older women like me. But we can still show the youth a thing or two."

Major raises her eyebrows …the first hint of emotion offered to the amazing old lady.

The old lady points the gun at Major, "Now don't try anything or I'll have to shoot you. I've been waiting all day for someone to play my game with me and you are the first one to oblige me." Glancing at the tombstones, "These stiffs here aren't too sociable, but I see you talk about as much as they do. What's your name?"

Rubbing her hand where the cane had struck it, "Major."

"My name's Olga. So what d'ya say, Major? Got any money on you?"

24

Major laughs halfheartedly, “You going to rob me or you selling me my gun back?” She reaches in her pocket and fishes out a nickel, holding it in view in her hand, “Either way, you hit the jackpot.”

Olga motions with the gun, “Flip it here.”

Major flips the nickel to the strange old lady.

Olga calls it in the air, “Tails.” She lets it land at her feet. She looks down, “Tails it is …I win.”

Major looks on as Olga picks up the coin and tosses it in the air. Instinctively, Major calls “Heads.”

“Tails again ...you lose.”

Major finds this lady strangely interesting. She looks into Olga’s eyes, “That’s me, a loser.”

“Well, I might as well give you the gun back so you can kill yourself then. I hate associating with losers.” Olga offers Major the coin back instead of the gun, “Sure you don’t want to try it again? See if you are a big time loser or just a mediocre one?”

“No, I’m tired of playing games. I’ve had a rather rough time of the game of life. I’d appreciate my gun back.”

Olga almost screams, “Rough life? When you get my age, then you can complain. One thing I can’t stand is selfish people; and the young inconsiderates really irk me! You think you’ve been through it all? I hold seniority over you here. You said you have two bullets left ...I should be able to go first.”

Olga tosses the coin in the air, “I’ve always been lucky at the coin toss, but unlucky at life. Something as important as life shouldn’t be a game of chance, but it is.”

25

Olga stares at the name and dates on the headstone, “I know the agony. My dream was to get married, have children and live to a ripe old age …so I could see my children get married and have kids. Well, I got pregnant, ...never did get a commitment out of him though. But I still had joy out of seeing my beautiful little girl grow up. I lived for that girl of mine. She was all I had. Then when life was just beginning for her, the cruel game of chance cashed in on my precious girl.”

Major just stands there, staring into the poor old lady’s eyes.

A solo tear emerges, “It was my fault. If I hadn’t had such an obsession for cakes …"

Major prepares for a long story.

“I began making cakes while I was pregnant. And I vowed that I’d make a cake every week for my little girl. She wouldn’t have a daddy, but every week I’d make sure she had a cake. Her birth made my life special and I wanted to celebrate and make hers special too. I think she learned how to mix a cake before she learned to walk. Her first words were “angel food”. She was such an angel. We both loved to make the cakes and eat them together in front of the fireplace. On her 18th birthday we made a cake and she invited her boyfriend over. It was a great time. After he left, we talked for a couple hours. There was some serious talk, but mostly we laughed about things that had happened over the years. We talked about when she was little and she would crawl up on my lap to hug me and say “angel food”, which meant “I love you”. I made the mistake of suggesting a rum cake, since it was her first adult birthday. It was late at night. I should have never sent her out late at night."

26

Olga fights off the tears, "She walked in on a robbery at the liquor store. My precious darling was shot. She was injured badly. The doctors said she didn’t have much of a chance. She tried to make me laugh, but I could see how much pain she was in. I just held her quietly and told her she was going to live. I didn't believe God would take her from me. Her last words were “angel food”, before she died in my arms."

Olga’s eyes gush forth with tears, “She was about your age ...pretty like you and so much life.” Olga lowers her head, “Do you know what it’s like to see your very own daughter die like that?”

Major is visibly touched, “I’m sorry.”

Olga wipes away the tears, “No, I’m sorry. You came here to kill yourself. I shouldn’t make you feel guilty about what parents go through when their kids die.”

Major sole reply is, “I don’t have any parents.”

“No family?”

“Nobody who cares.”

“Well then, I guess you should shoot yourself. Seems like a perfect day for it ...gloomy and overcast. Feels like rain too. It’ll wash everything clean and away. Sorry I interrupted you. I just thought maybe you could shoot me first.”

“I’m not messing around. I thought this thing through and find no reason to live. And you're not going to talk me out of it."

“Talk you out of it? I should thank you. You've talked me into it. Hey, why should I live any longer? I’ve fulfilled my dream of having a child. I dream of my girl every day and of the times we had together. And I cry. After she died, I felt like I died too. And I haven’t gotten over the guilt either. You can't imagine the grief I've suffered over the decision to let her go out that night."

27

The story touches Major, "Why did you allow it to torment you so long, when you could have made the decision that I've made …to end it all?"

"I guess I wanted to fulfill the last part of my dream …living to be a ripe old age. I guess I'm like an old apple now …overripe and bruised. But I have to admit there was more to it than that. After my daughter died, I was angry. I was angry at death. I wanted to take on death and defeat it. That's when I began working at the hospice. I channeled all my emotions into working with the terminally ill. But something unexpected happened when I tried helping those who were dying. What happened was that they helped me more than I could ever imagine helping them. They taught me that I can't take on death and defeat it. But one sweet old lady told me who did …"

Major interrupts with overwhelming emotion, "I can't take it! All this talk is maddening! I just want to die!"

Olga changes her appeal, “I know it's tough and you just want to give up. And I have to admit I admire you. You have guts. I didn’t have the guts. And I never did meet someone like you, who could have helped me just give up on life. You're right! Life is too difficult! And the gun seems like the perfect way. It’s so quick, guaranteed ...so final.”

Olga picks up a dry dirt clod. She tosses it. It explodes at Major’s feet. “Did you see that? Wasn’t that wonderful? That’s what happens to your brain.” Looking deep into Major’s eyes, “I always had a liking for the gun. Glad I found someone to do it for me.” Handing Major the gun, “Here, I’ll close my eyes. You pull the trigger for me.”

28

Major holds the gun in her hand, while Olga closes her eyes.

Olga begins to wobble, “I’m getting dizzy. You’re taking too long.” Olga drops her cane and reaches for Major to steady herself. “You’re young, a strong girl ...help me steady myself here. I want to take this standing up.” Olga pulls Major close, “There, you shouldn’t miss now.”

Major feels Olga wrap both arms around her. Her body shakes as she tries to steady herself.

Major feels her spirit break. She lets the old lady down gently, sitting beside her on the ground. Major puts her head in her hands, “I can’t do it.”

Olga sees a tear trickle down Major’s arm from beneath her hands, “ Why not?”

Major is unable to conceal the tears, “I can’t take another person’s life!”

“Why not? You were going to take your own. You said you have no family. I have no family. My life is about over anyway. I’m not young like you. You could still meet someone else someday and fall in love again, but I’m old. No one has any use for me. No one will miss me …now hurry up and get it over with!” Olga shouts, “Hurry, I’m getting older by the minute!”

Major fights through the tears, “But they will miss you at the hospice. I bet you are really good with them. You probably don’t realize how much they will miss you.”

“They won’t miss me. You could always take my place.”

29

Major looks into the old lady’s eyes, suddenly realizing what Olga had done. Olga had gotten her to take a different stance …to raise an argument in favor of life. Major laughs through the tears, “Why don’t you come to my place. We can bake a cake.”

Olga smiles, “Angel food?”

“Yes, Angel food.”

Major helps the old lady up. They take a moment to look into each other's eyes, before embracing each other.

They both laugh …a much needed release. They can afford to be honest with each other. They cry together ...a much truer release.

It begins to sprinkle rain as they walk to the river which runs past the cemetery.

Standing in the middle of the bridge, they look down into the depths. Major tosses the gun. They watch the rippling rings fade outward, running interference with the raindrops and their tears.

Major turns to Olga, “When you gave me the gun back, how did you know I wouldn’t do it?”

“I didn’t. I was scared to death.” Olga moves closer to Major’s side and rests her hand on Major’s shoulder. “I’m terrified of guns. I figured keeping the gun from you wouldn’t stop you though. You’d find another way to do it. I figured I could help you change your mind, but you had to make the choice. That’s the only way I can hope you won’t try it again.”

“But that was a big risk you took.”

“There’s always risks involved when you allow yourself to care.”

“But you risked your life for me!”

30

“Sometimes we have to put our life on the line for others. Police officers, firefighters, ...they put their lives on the line for others all the time. I’m not saying we should all risk our lives daily, but we can allow our hearts to be vulnerable. I get close to certain ones at the hospice and it’s hard when they die. And yes, it brings back memories of when my dear daughter died, but it’s not torment like you said. It feels really good to help someone. And when they die, yes, a part of you seems to die with them, but the heart heals. You realize that you’ve done the most you can for them and brought them some happiness they wouldn’t have had otherwise. That gives you some gratification, some purpose in life. And after each loss, the heart begins to heal the moment that you help someone else.”

“I still can’t believe you risked your life for me back there. For a while there you had me convinced that you were insane.”

“You were trying to shoot yourself. What right do you have to call me insane?” Olga smiles.

Major laughs, “Okay, we’re both insane.”

Olga’s smile fades somewhat, “You know, if I had known you, I would have never told you to go ahead and shoot yourself. That’s a terrible thing to say.”

“Saved all your terribleness for me did you?”

“What I mean to say is that it would have been different if I knew you. I would have more of a chance to be there for you and do all I could for you. But there was a chance I’d never see you again. And like I said before, if you really wanted to do it you’d find a way when I wasn’t there to stop you.”

31

As they cross the bridge, the sun peeks out from behind a cloud. The rain stops. Olga points out a rainbow that spans the sky before them.

Major drifts with her thoughts. She follows the rainbow as it measures the sky, disappearing into the countryside.

Olga clings to the hope that Major is looking to the end of the rainbow, “They say a pot of gold can be found at the end of the rainbow.”

Major has her doubts. There will be no pot of gold in the end. When you truly think you’ve found your prize, it seems that you actually just find the end. Darin had been the real treasure in her heart. But what had been a treasure, was now just an end. The end of a beautiful friendship …the only one she had ever known. Darin is gone. He will not come forth as Lazarus out of a tomb. The only thing that will come forth will be more tears …more sorrow over what could have been. She can't live on each day with thoughts of what could have been.

Major has to get beyond all this. She will not return to the cemetery. And she will not look to the end of the rainbow.

32
   III.

   Major invites Olga to her place to bake. She is not really listening as Olga goes on about how we should never lose our youthfulness. Olga talks on about some of the great autumns she had with her little girl …the hayrides, the color tours, the pumpkin carving.

Major enters the conversation now and then. A smile and a question or two is the most she can offer. For the most part she is preoccupied with her past. And the reality Major must contend with is filled with unmistakable grief.

Autumn now represents a season of death ...a season of sorrow. And winter is already clutching at her heels. It will be a season of cold indifference. She is sure she will live out the balance of her life in that season. There will be no spring.

Major cannot allow herself to return to the cycle of the seasons. If she were to allow herself to experience the rebirth of spring and indulgence of summer, the season of death would surely follow. She could not endure another fall. She could not allow herself to get close to anyone … not even Olga.
33

Olga senses Major’s mood, “Maybe some day you will find someone again. Someone who you care about and who cares about you.”

“I don’t even want that. Why would I welcome the torment back into my life? I wouldn’t survive another tragedy.” Major takes a deep breath, “I won’t take that chance. I don’t think I could handle another loss. Everyone I get close to eventually dies ...Mom, Grandma, Darin. You’d better not get too close.”

“We all eventually die. I’m already knocking at death’s door. At my age, I’m not worried. But if you won’t take the chance and you truly believe you will never find love again, then you probably won’t.”

“I won’t.”

“You have to believe in yourself. I’m sure you really believed in Darin and you. If it happened once, it can happen again. If you weather the storm, things will get better. You aren’t the only one out there who is hurting because of the loss of a loved one.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m not trying to let on like there aren’t people out there with more problems than me. And I know I’m terrible for not being more thankful for life. I’m young, I’m healthy... I know that speech.”

“Okay, I’m not going to waste my speech on you. I know how you feel. But I also know there’s a guy out there somewhere hurting just like you. He lost a girl he loved and he’s dying inside too.”

“Are you trying to match-make for me? I suppose you have a particular guy in mind. You think I could fill that void in the guy's heart and we’d live happily ever after.” Major’s emotions flash their warnings, “Well, forget it! I can’t take the place of the girl he loved; and no one can take the place of Darin.”

34

“You’ve given yourself totally to one person and that says a lot about how special you are. But your loyalty to someone who is out of your life; that will destroy you. You’ve made death your companion. And no, I’m not a matchmaker. You have to make those choices yourself. I don’t have a guy in mind. I have no idea who the guy is who’s waiting for you. I’ve never met him and you’ve never met him.”

Major realizes how defensive she’d sounded. This conversation is making her tense, but she forces a smile, “What do you mean, I've never met him? Why would that be one of the criteria?"

“I’m saying that you’ve never met the guy because you’re creating so many walls around you that I’m sure you’ve already shut out the possibility of anyone who knows you and knew Darin. And you seem to have buried yourself along with Darin, so there doesn’t seem to be much hope for this future guy either. This guy will probably live the rest of his life alone ...like you are convinced of doing. If a guy ever has a chance with you, love will have to sneak up on you and get you by surprise.” Olga pauses, “You never know what life will hold until you live it. If you want a life of solitude, that’s your choice. But I feel sorry for the guy out there who is meant for you. It will be like waiting for a train that never comes.”

35

The mention of a train sends Major reeling. Major is sure Olga doesn’t know. The emotions flood back. There is no one out there for her. The man of the future is waiting for the wrong one if he is waiting for her. The only one who was ever meant for her was Darin.

The thought of Darin strikes a certain chord in her. It is a sad tune. It is a song that speaks her heart to Darin. The Wilson sisters sing the chorus:
“Til now, I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you.
And now it chills me to the bone . . .

Pain smothers her song. There will be no more song ...not even sad songs.

Major knows she must go on. She doesn’t know why, but she must go on. Life is evasive. Life is filled with deceit. It seems impossible to consider day after day without hope, but she must try to live each day.

She has to walk away. She would never have turned her back on Darin, but she has to now. She cannot allow herself to be tortured over and over. She has to forget that she was ever capable of having those feelings. She has to deny the past and that will take care of the future.

36

A final tear falls. She will not return to the cemetery again. She will live as in winter ...to survive. She will heed some of Olga's advice. It makes good sense to live a lifetime of helping others. That takes the focus off yourself.

The questions that encompass life itself have no sure answers. She has to answer her own life. She has to qualify her own purpose. Her purpose will not be to achieve happiness for herself. She will live a life of sacrifice, and servitude.

She will begin by baking a cake. She owes this lady at least that much ...after all, it was Olga that had saved her life.

Major is not convinced whether Olga had done her a favor or not, but Olga is probably right about a few things. Why had she let the gun slip away from her head just before she pulled the trigger? Did she have to live life out, so she could judge it in the end? Would life really continue on this way?

Would she be cursed through life while others were blessed? So far her life appeared to be consistent with that perspective. Why would that change? She is sure she's hated by whatever force rules the universe.

Why?

She doesn’t know. But if Olga had not intervened, she would have never known. At least now she will allow life to take its course. She will see what fate has designed for her. She will go into battle this time with complete armor. Her heart will remain hardened and she will have no more open wounds. She will grit her teeth and boldly challenge life.

37

The forces against her are not just ...they are not righteous. If they are, they would not have created life as she knows it. They would not have taken Darin.

But she will oppose that force. She will stand in full armor to defend the just and the righteous. She will fight to help those whose lives fight on against the curse. They will find victory together.

She realizes now that if she had succeeded with the gun, the force would have won. She would've allowed the force to claim another victim of injustice.

But the fact is, that force had not won and she will live the rest of her life in defiance to it. If that alone is her purpose, it is reason enough to live. She will not give up. In their own ignorance they may call her a loser, but they won’t be able to call her a quitter.

Major holds the door open for Olga as they step into the house. The place is a mess, but so is her life.

Len is out. Lately that's become his pattern. Hopefully he had made it into work.

Work …something she has to find sometime soon. It is on her mind as Olga’s attention focuses on the drums. “I’ve been playing quite a bit, mostly just to pass the time. But I’m thinking of checking out some of the local bands to see if they could use an alternate. I could use the bucks. My brother Len has been trying to do too much. Got to share the load.” Major pauses. “And maybe I’ll look into work at the hospital too.”

Olga picks up a drumstick, pointing it at Major, “You finished with school?”

38

Major knows Olga is asking whether she has completed school, “Yeah, I’m finished.” Olga is right. She has buried herself along with Darin.

Olga senses a need for changing the subject, “Why don’t you play something on the drums for me before we bake the cake. That way we won’t have to worry about the cake falling.”

Major laughs a little with Olga, then obliges her by trying to play something on the drums. Usually when she plays she feels it flowing through her veins, she and the drums becoming one. But she also has moments when every effort seems in vain. Today is one of those days. In the past when she had one of these days, she would search out the feeling and find out what wasn’t right. But today she knows what's wrong. There is no more song within her. The music doesn't come naturally. She will have to discipline herself to make the music sound right …because it doesn’t feel right. She is certain it will be this way from now on. The powers that generate her soul are gone.

Olga doesn’t know what a perfectionist Major is. She thinks Major plays fine. She isn’t just being polite with her praise, “That was great. I bet you worked up an appetite. How about that cake now?”

Major doesn’t feel like playing the drums any longer, “Sure, the kitchen is right this way. As you see, a very modest dwelling.”

“Was your dad in the armed services?”

The question came out of nowhere. Major inquires into the confusion, “No, why?”

“I thought that’s how you got your nickname perhaps. I noticed the dog tags around your neck. Figured maybe your dad could have been a major in the armed services.”

39

Major laughs, “No. Major is my last name. My first name is Maggie. But everyone always calls me Major.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know. No major reason.”

Olga laughs politely, “Okay …I’ll leave it at that. If everyone calls you Major, then that’s what it’ll be.”

Major is preoccupied with her thoughts. She has never really questioned why she is called Major. She likes being called by her last name. Probably just proof again that she is seen as boldly different. It's sort of like the way they announce you in a football game when you score a touchdown or make a tackle to prevent one ...”Tackle by Major!” She likes that tough image. She too considers herself as a force to contend with.

Yet it is strange. She doesn’t like sports. She doesn’t like competition. And she abhors the violent nature of many sports.

What she really likes …is the association with that rough exterior. She likes the way everyone calls her by her last name. No one thinks of her in an intimate way. And she likes that. No one had ever called her Maggie. Except, Darin.

Major’s thoughts are interrupted by the banging of pots and pans. She wipes a tear away with laughter, “You’re almost as good with those things as I am on the drums. Maybe that’s where they got the term kettledrum.”

Olga laughs, “I hope you’re better at making a cake than you are with your attempted humor. Now you just going to stand there and crack jokes, or you going to help me with this birthday cake?”

“Birthday cake? Is it your birthday?”

40

“I’m sure there’s someone out there who has a birthday today. And maybe there’s someone about your age. How about wishing him a happy birthday?”

“You never give up on this guy thing do you?”

“No. And neither should you.”

41

IV.

Custodial Engineer …just a fancy title for janitor. All she has to do is fill out some forms and the job is hers, they had told her. She figures it can’t be very desirable work. Not only did she not have to stand in line for the job, but the personnel director reacted like he had made the deal of the century when she agreed to work at minimum wage. She doesn’t care though. She's just grateful for the job.

Major doesn't mind working for her money. With hopes of Len possibly coming back, maybe she can bank a little more. Another job will help her achieve that. She hasn't been able to sleep anyway, so might as well keep herself busy working.

Taking the job at OT Medical should keep her somewhat busy. The abbreviation for Old Town is quite appropriate considering their condition of often making it mandatory to work overtime. And this is right in line with Olga’s advice about working someplace where she’ll be helping people.

She’d forgotten to get Olga’s address or ask what her last name is, but maybe she’ll see Olga at the hospice. Conveniently, it is right across the street from the custodial job.

42

As Major walks home from the hospital, some ideas come to mind that she wants to try on the drums. She's not really in the mood to play, but it is a talent she has and could help her make a little extra money also. Female drummers are rare and these locals are always looking for a new twist. She could plan out some special arrangements and use them for an audition.

She is tired, but figures she is mostly mentally drained. A physical workout on the drums should feel good.

Her drums are her only prized possession and she always keeps the door locked. She retrieves her key, only to find the door unlocked. That's not surprising though. She's been so preoccupied lately, it's a wonder she can keep her head about her at all. Major enters the room in silence …and in silence it will remain. Her drums are gone!

She stands motionless. She feels violated. She had not only been robbed of her most personal possession, but of her very being.

She can’t believe it! But isn’t it just like she had told herself? Life is hacking away at her, little by little, and is destined to destroy her. She can’t admit defeat though. She has vowed to fight this thing. She can’t let it claim victory over her. But neither can she deny that it is deeply affecting her. She needs an escape and none is available to her.

Major doesn’t recall if she passes out at this point because of emotional exhaustion or what, but somehow she enters into some form of sleep. Certainly not a rewarding sleep though …as she feels more exhausted than before.

43

The nightmare summons up all the dreadful events from childhood replaying their horror upon her. And along with each painful memory, a wicked voice keeps taunting her, “You could always end it all. You can always leave this life.”

Each nerve in her body screams out as she relives the scattered memories: The cemetery is dark ...the fog is just beginning to lift ...her finger traces the letters that are engraved in stone ...the frost numbs her finger ...her tears mix with the morning dew, then dry up ...she becomes numb as the gun presses against her temple...the sound of the train fills her head. The air is still, but the memory is deafening.

The train whistle blasts, echoing off her bedroom walls. The echo increases its intensity. The sound waves beat against her temples, beyond the threshold of pain. Her head is about to explode.
It is the death of Darin that possesses her dreams, turning them into unbearable nightmares. She tries to occupy herself with her drumming, but since Darin died she hears the beat of a different drummer …one that plays the death march. Each heartbeat, each beat of the drum, ...one beat closer to her death. Now that her drums are gone, will she be able to get lost in her job? Or sooner or later, will thoughts of Darin find her and possess her?

She defies the grim reaper to define her life. She will not allow death the victory. She will strive on with her purpose.

Major quickly decides she will save up enough money to buy a new set of drums. They are expensive, but she will get a second job to help make the payments. It will be a good investment. The drums will pay for themselves once she finds a band to join.

44

Major is tossing and turning, only partially asleep. She doesn’t know what time it is. Her clock-radio has been stolen too. She must have slept some though ...she is sure it is beginning to get light out.

She hears the back door. Fear sweeps over her for a brief moment before she realizes that Huck hadn’t barked. Her brother is just getting in. She recognizes Len’s drunken entry.

If she asks him where he'd been, he'll always reply, “Just around.” The smell of booze and the distinctive marijuana odor come from under his door at night, but it hadn’t really gotten out-of-hand before. At least it appeared to be a non-issue until he began missing so much work.

Major realizes she is so wrapped up in her own pain over Darin that she hadn’t been too perceptive of Len lately. She hadn’t taken the time to understand the pain her own brother may be experiencing. The truth is, she had never asked.

Then again, Len never mentioned that he was sorry about Darin. He acted like he never knew. But Major wouldn’t let that get to her. She wouldn’t allow herself defeat ...deeply scarred by her own problems, sick with depression. She could have so easily given in to it, but she is determined not to let it conquer her. Len had done so much to keep them together after their dad left. And in the process of helping everyone else, he likely had been destroying himself. She would not allow that to continue. She would rescue Len before he sank. Figuratively speaking, he was going down for the third time. She had to do something to save him.

45

Major gets out of bed and walks slowly over to Len’s room. She knocks softly and calls out in a whisper, “Len?”

“Yeah, what do you want?”

“Can we talk, Len?”

“I’m wasted. Can’t we talk another time?”

Major hesitates and begins to leave, but then stops herself. Lately, it is always “can we talk another time?” ...but she hardly ever sees Len anymore. When would “another time” be? She can’t turn her back on him. Something has happened to Len. He had been so alive before. But lately he has lost his fighting spirit. She had almost lost hers, but now she is desperate to help Len regain who he once was. He is on a road leading to self-destruction, and she has to help him before it is too late. She almost chokes on her words, but manages to ask, “You going to be able to make it in to work today?”

“No.”

Major is concerned about his tone. Len doesn’t seem to care. She voices concern, “You’ve got to stop partying like this. You’ve missed too much work lately. Actually, I’m surprised they’ve kept you on this long.”

“They fired me last week.”

Major chokes slightly, “Does that surprise you?”

“I’ve been sick. Can I help that I’ve been sick?”

“Yes you can help it. It’s the life you choose. You party every night …how do you expect to feel? Of course you’re sick ...who wouldn’t be?”

Len appears hurt, “How can you say it’s the life I choose? I didn’t choose to have a mom who died, a dad who ran out on his family, a brother who is so freakin’ smart that he can go study overseas, and a sister who nags all the time because she thinks she knows the answer to every problem in the blasted universe.”

46

Major knows he's right about not choosing the life they have. Lately life has been like a knife stabbing at her heart. But the pain really cuts when her own brother twists the knife.

She retreats to her room and collapses on her bed. She buries her head in her pillow and soaks it with her tears.

In her mind, Major hears the words repeated over and over again, just as she'd spoken them to her brother ...“Yes you can help it. It’s the life you choose.”

Does she really believe this? Or is she really speaking to herself more than she is giving sisterly advice? Does she really have any say in the matter ...whether she has any control in her life? Can she affect it in any way, perhaps make it at least tolerable? She has to believe she can, or what is the sense of living. The truth is, she had almost chosen not to live. And in his own way, Len is choosing not to live. And his way is just as frightening.

She has to think of a way to help Len. The drums mean a great deal to her, but she needs to save her brother before she even considers saving up enough for a new set of drums. He has helped her and their younger brother when times were bad. Now things are not good for Len, and it is her turn to help. She doubts Len will accept her help, but she has to try.

47

Len had assumed the role of “man of the house”. Major knows he won’t admit to having a serious problem, let alone admit he needs help. He is too proud. She will have to find some way to help that won’t be an embarrassment to his manhood. It will be difficult, but she has to try. She wants her brother back ...the way he used to be.

Major is mostly preoccupied with thoughts of whether Len will remember their previous night’s discussion. It had somehow taken on characteristics of an argument, but will Len remember it that way? She wants to talk with Len again, but no telling when he’d be up. She can’t wait for him. She has to get going. She doesn’t want to be late for her first day on the job.

On her way to work, she continues to think about Len. When he finally got around to getting up, would he be sober enough to see all the things gone? She hadn’t even gotten around to mentioning to him anything about the burglary. The place hadn’t been torn apart. It looked more like someone had moved out. After the things they had said to one another, maybe Len would think that. She wonders what Len would think. It certainly didn’t look like the scene of a burglary. She hopes Len won’t think she moved out. She hopes Len will not be upset still. Their discussions never used to end up in an argument. She wants to talk with Len again. She wants to be able to talk ...the way it used to be.

Major is sort of relieved to reach her place of employment. She wants to keep busy and work off some of her nervous energy. The custodial work isn’t that difficult, just time consuming.

48

She doesn’t have to concentrate much for this work, so she can let her ears wander the corridors and into the various conversations. She quickly picks up on the bitterness and resentment of some of the patients. On the floor that has the more severe cases, she hears the patients speak of the hospital’s many noted specialists. They seemingly are also noted for specializing in long stays. The patients in the double rooms complain to each other about how terrible the food had been in the past months. Others mumble about how the insurance pays only a percentage of the cost and every last penny they've earned is making up for the balance.

The balance of the day is uneventful for Major. She had become bored with listening to the conversations between patients. They all seemed to have the same complaints. Major shuts them off and tries to prepare in her mind what she is going to say to Len. She hopes he’ll still be there, but she doesn’t want to get her hopes too high. He is usually gone.

When Major gets home, she is surprised to see Len just getting out of bed. She approaches him in a loving way, “How do you feel, Len? Still got a headache?”

Len still appears to be in a foul mood, “Don’t worry, I’ll get out of your hair and you can bang on your drums or whatever it is that you do.”

Major tries not to let that affect her. She often wakes up in the same sort of mood that she goes to sleep in. Len probably had a lousy sleep and is still fairly much suffering from a huge hangover.
Major feels her throat tightening, “I won’t be banging on my drums anymore …they were stolen.”

49

Len takes a long deep look at his sister, “Well, maybe some good will come out of it. Maybe you’ll stop fantasizing about playing in a band and get a normal job. That’s all you seem to care about is your freakin’ drums. Maybe you can get your head on straight now. And maybe I can get some sleep around here sometime. You’re the one who gives me these headaches.”

Major stands there in disbelief as her brother stumbles out the door. He doesn’t even seem fazed by what had happened. He doesn’t care that she had lost her drums. He seems relieved. He said she was the cause of his headaches.

Major is crushed. She had prepared to be more understanding. She had wanted to help her brother. But now she is deeply hurt. She doesn’t know what to do.

Len doesn’t know what to do either. He feels he can no longer control himself. He had lost his job and in desperation he turned away from everything that he had worked for. He had told his sister that he’d been sick and he couldn’t help it. What a lame excuse. His sister was right ...he could help it. Life consists of choices and he had poorly made his. The drugs had gotten out of control. He can’t believe they had this effect upon him. It terrifies him to think of it. He can’t even trust who he is anymore. He had turned on his own sister. She is one of only two people in the world he ever truly loved ...and he is the cause of her pain.

He had been responsible for making the arrangements for their younger brother to go to Europe to study. He misses him dearly, but that is probably the last selfless good thing he had done. He had done well for his brother.

50

His sister has not fared as well. She has tasted the rapacious nature of a person who disgraced the term “brother”. He has become a stranger and an enemy to anyone whose misfortune it is to be near him. He is a stranger and an enemy to even himself.

How had it happened ...yes, how? Len recalls the painful memory.

Len looked at his sister’s drum set. He knew where he could sell the drums. He could get a good price.

No. He knew how much the drums meant to her. She needed her drums. That’s all she had. It was her cure for a world of ailments.

But Len needed his fix. It was his only cure. He had no choice. There was only one cure.

No. There was another way. Death was a way to rid himself of all this.

No, his sister couldn’t handle that right now. She had just lost Darin. Len was blasted at the time, but he had heard about it. But he was so wasted he hadn’t really known how he could help his sister. The drugs somehow seemed to be affecting him more, seemingly triggering off his emotional state upon hearing the news of Darin’s death. Len was such a wreck. He couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t stand seeing her hurt like that.

He avoided his sister so he wouldn’t make things worse. He didn’t mention a word to her about Darin’s death. No, she couldn’t handle another death. He had to somehow prolong his life. Death was not the way out. His poor sister may not survive if she has to face the loss of another loved one.

51

He phoned a friend. Then he waited. It seemed like an eternity, but the friend finally came. He helped the friend load up the drums. The money Len got from the drums would be enough to pay off his debt and buy a small fix.

That’s the way it was. So simple, huh? He had sold his sister’s drums. Then when she was in pain from the added grief he had caused her, he had lashed out at her with his cruel words. That was callous.

With emotional support and time, she would eventually be able to cope with the loss of her drums and even the incomparable loss of a loved one like Darin, but where was the emotional support to come from? She had lost her brother’s love.

What he had done was unforgivable. Len could not face himself. He didn’t know where to turn. He could turn to his sister and ask for forgiveness ...he knew she’d forgive him. But he couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t do it again. The drugs were that much out of control. He had to leave. He had to stay out of her life for good. It would be hard on his sister, but it had to be constant torture as it was for her. He couldn’t trust himself. He needed another fix soon and he couldn’t be sure what he would do. They may come after him. That could bring harm to his sister. He had to leave. She would suffer if he left, but it would be worse on her if he didn’t leave.

They say you hurt most the ones you love and that is certainly true with drug addiction. It is an unthinkable act to steal from your own family, but in desperation he had stolen his sister’s drums.

52

Len again reflects back on the madness.
He owed money. He said that he’d pay it back as soon as he found another job. But he hadn’t really expected them to buy that ...he had owed them money before he lost his job.

He had lost his job last week and already this morning he had given up hope that he’d ever work again. He had no transportation now. This morning he had sold his car. He realized the depreciation on an old car, but he had still expected to get more for it. But he couldn’t wait for a good deal. He had to get some money right away. And he had to pay up before he could even think of getting another fix.
This drug habit seemed to be costing so much more. Even when he had been working it hadn’t been enough. He had an insatiable hunger for the stuff. And he had been on a binge lately. This drug habit was ruling his life. If he decided to look elsewhere for some drugs before squaring things up, it would mean risking his life. The drug dealers kept a tight business and they made it their business to control their clients. They did not take kindly to disloyal customers.

So Len brought the money he had. He promised to pay the rest of what he owed later, but he needed a fix now. He was burning inside. He had to relieve the pain.

He felt humiliated to be begging like this and he hated to promise because he had no idea where he’d get the money next. But the dealers love when you beg. They all know the desperation. They know you’ll get the money somehow.

53

They told Len the money was not enough.
Len’s insides were ready to explode. Every nerve ending in his body was a burning fuse. If he waited too long, the fireworks would start to go off inside him and it would be an ugly affair.

Len hitched a ride home. He had a half empty bottle stashed away. He finished it. It was not enough. It wasn’t liquor he needed now. There was only one prescription for his condition. One cure. And it was expensive. The price had gone up when he got hooked.

Len walked down an alley to what appeared to be an abandoned structure. He approached a boarded up door and knocked loudly three times, then hollered “Yo. Goliath.”

These were familiar surroundings to Len. He’d soon be able to escape and forget his problems. He had arrived here none too soon. He was about to have an anxiety attack. He needed the fix real bad.

It would not make him feel good. He needed it to just keep straight. Otherwise there would be a volcanic effect. His temperature would soar and his stomach would begin to burn so intensely that he would heave his guts out and feel like his heart, lungs, and every organ in his body had erupted through the same small tube ...exiting out of his throat and exploding with fury out of his mouth.

He had no more of the great feelings he had once experienced. When he had first experienced it, he had felt like he could soar. He had fallen for the lustful sensation ...the total experience of an indescribable tingling that traveled about creating ecstasy throughout his entire body. He would laugh at his problems as he was in a realm where there were none.

54

Life was a comedy that most people took seriously. But he was free of it all.

That was only a short while ago. But as he got off each high, the deepened depression was as intensely felt as the once heightened effect of the drug. Therefore it created more of a need for the drug than a craving for it.

Len didn’t realize at the time that the drug itself was causing much of the intense depression. While the drug could help him forget his problems, it also later surmounted them and made life impossible to contend with without the drugs. This was the ugly thing called dependency.

Now, he realized that though the drugs seemed to help, he would still feel worse than before he had ever taken the drugs. He hadn’t noticed the gradual way it had crept up on him, deceiving him to believe the drugs helped him. Now the drugs would only help him from getting painfully sick. And he would only forget his problems when he took enough to pass out. Then he would be okay until he came to again.

It was impossible to live in the real world. He could no longer return to that place. His only world was the drug world. To try to escape from it would be like dying.

Drugs had to be his life. He avoided the realization of those he knew had been on drugs. Some had died suddenly. Others were being eaten alive by a cancer inside that they didn’t know was there.

The quick death was not feared. It was the death felt by trying to go straight. Then you felt the bleeding, the burning, the volcanic pressure built up inside. The drugs would temporarily hold off the pain. But the pain would be back. And each time it would be worse.

   55

Len had never realized what was happening to him until it was too late. Drug addiction is not exactly a state of awareness. Its high card is denial and the other cards in the hand are paranoia, apathy, betrayal and hysteria. And you never know which card is going to be played.

Len got mostly hysterical. Not the crying. He never remembered crying. He would laugh uncontrollably. It may not have been very funny, but he’d laugh.

He'd laugh ...about anything. It must have been a repressed feeling because he never remembered laughing too much at all before he started taking drugs.

Len knew his problem was no laughing matter. Ironically though, he first was enlightened about his problem through reading a comic book. But the comics he read weren’t of the comical nature. They were dramas. Dramas that involved superheroes.

In a way, he was trying to be just like the superheroes ...out to save the ones he loved from a cruel world they all lived in.

Len’s favorite hero was Spider-man. Spider-man always felt a constant obligation. Spider-man was always trying to redeem himself of past mistakes. But in confronting each dilemma he seemed to create another. Then he’d have to fix that problem.

Len had not realized it, but he was doing much the same thing. And in the process, he was destroying himself and destroying any chance for possible happiness he may have had ...just like Spider-man.

Spider-man was a unique character. He would talk to himself. He wasn't crazy, he was usually aware of what was going on and he’d think things through. Spider-man’s self-analysis would help him with his problems. It was the key to working things out.

56

Len reasons, “I can do that too. I can work things out.”

Then reason itself speaks, “No you can’t. You're a drug addict.”

After several long minutes, the door swings open. It had only appeared to be boarded up. A flesh-ripping growl bites the air with powerful drooling fangs. Len does not flinch. He is a frequent guest. And besides, he desperately needs a fix. He already feels like his flesh is being ripped apart.

The vicious animal is restrained around the collar by the hand of another vicious animal. He calls himself Goliath. If you were to meet one of them in an alley, you’d prefer the enraged pit-bull.
He really didn’t need the pit-bull there. Goliath alone was enough to scare off the bravest of man and beast. This Goliath was a beast.

Len walks inside. It will be a while before he returns to the real world again. He doesn’t want to think about it. He knows that no matter how much he fries his brain, that after whatever insignificant amount of time will pass, he will remember what he has done to his sister. He has failed her.

In a few minutes he will forget everything. But his sister won't. He’ll be able to escape for a while, but the memory will return and he will remember the one he will never forget ...his sister.

But meanwhile, he has the money from the drums to pay off the debt to bring him back in good standing. The beast will give him some drugs for awhile until he finds some more money. The beast will gladly contribute to the misery.

Sometimes misery is free. Len’s sister has not purchased hers, but she is paying in a different way. She will pay as long as he remains a part of her life.

57

Major has too much time on her hands and time means misery. She has to get another job in addition to the one at the hospital.

She is too exhausted to think about it though. Work is not hard for her, but she’d had that exhausting incident the previous evening.

Major decides to go to bed early, hoping to catch up on some of the sleep she had lost the previous evening. But she doesn’t sleep well. The night seems like an eternity and it is not a pleasant one.

Morning finally comes and she prepares herself for work. Throughout the day she performs her work like a robot. A robot with the batteries running low. On her way home she picks up a newspaper. The newspaper seems like the easiest way.

She looks down the long list of classified ads. More than half of them are obtainable only through the job network agency and there is a sixty-five dollar fee. That is absurd. They charge you for your ambition to want to work.

And that isn’t the worst of it. Most of the jobs require previous experience. Now where do they suppose she’ll get the experience? All the people working there have to have had a “first day on the job”. Everyone has to start out somewhere along the line with no experience. Or are they born with experience? That had to be it!

Accountant ...Brick layer ...Cashier ...Chemist ...Dancer; ---Major says to herself sarcastically, “Sure, that’s me.” Dental hygienist ---another good one she thinks, “I’d end up being the one pulling teeth with everyone in the office.” Electrician ...Furnace cleaner ...Go-go dancer ...Hair stylist ...Hydraulic pipe-fitter ---this is getting to be a real strain on the eyes.

58

Injection molding machine repair ---doesn’t mention experience, but has to be ...has to be experienced just to remember the title. Janitorial, now there is Major’s calling in life.

She calls. It is at Newcastle Psychiatric. The drive will be just shy of a hundred miles one way. But Major likes U.S. route 1, along the coastline. She's also knowledgeable about repairs and basic troubleshooting, in case of trouble along the way.

Major smiles as she thinks to herself, “If I get the job, I’ll practically be living in hospitals. No excuses now Maggie. You should be the picture of perfect health, mentally and physically.”

Meanwhile, Len is trying to avoid the hospitals. He needs to get more money. He doesn’t know how, but he needs to find some and quick. His stomach is starting to churn again.

He wanders the streets cautiously during the day, but the forces that rule him rule the night. It is a dark, chilly night. Len feels he has to safeguard himself by roaming unfamiliar streets.

The street lights cast an accusing glow upon the streets. In between are deceiving shadows. The surroundings are unfamiliar, but he has to claim them as his own. He needs to walk with confidence where most fear to tread. He is desperate.

Although fear lives inside him, he can never reveal it. The streams of light are like swords jutting out into the night. They speak their warnings, “On guard; on guard.” And Len is on his guard. While the lights warn him, the shadows speak to him softly. They guide his every move.

59

Len feels somewhat secure in the shadows, but it's an uneasy security. That which gives him comfort can also betray him. The shadows can bring him down. But he has to take his chances with the shadows.

He knows he cannot sleep. The shadows will not permit it. Without warning, the light may penetrate the shadows, confuse the shadows, and they will scatter.

Images begin to mix. Speeding, blurry images ...always too quickly. He never knows when the shadows will move. The light often strikes silently, without warning.

Len has learned he can not predict the shadows, so it is vital that he listen closely for them ...always in tune with them in case they will speak. If you travel with a friend, the shadows cannot be your friend. The only way they can protect you is if you travel alone.

The shadows speak with urgency in their voice. They speak with command. You need to obey or they will consume you. Only they can be trusted. They alone can speak to you. And you can listen to one and only one voice alone ...the voice of the shadows.

Ahead is a brightly lit area with tiny balls of dancing lights. Blurry images wander in curious patterns. One figure moves about slowly with much command. Several other figures seem to honor that authority. Len moves closer. The commanding figure has a shiny skirt and long glistening hair. The dancing lights celebrate each strand of hair. The dancing lights form an ‘X’ above a booth collecting tickets.

60

The adult theater demands a price, a price they have to pay beyond that of the ticket. Life is but a theater, a place where events take place, a scene of operations. The lady with the shiny skirt carries on her own scene of operations. She does her own bit of collecting. Her new friend follows her into an adjacent building. The shadows command Len to wait.

Len obeys.

Time is irrelevant when the shadows don’t speak. The lights continue to dance. The lady and her friend return. The friend departs. She seems lonely, looking for a new friend.

The shadows speak. They command Len to go immediately to the back of the building. A window gains access. Len waits as the shadows command. Footsteps are heard. Len waits. The footsteps get closer. Len waits. The footsteps pass nearby. Len speaks as the shadows command, “Hold it right there, this is the police."

The lady’s friend runs. Len laughs hysterically along with the shadows as he has an inescapable grip on the lady’s arm. He wrestles her to the dusty floor. She has been busy. She has been paid well.

Len disappears into the shadows. The shadows tell Len not to pass this way again. The lady whose theatrics were so expertly done under the dancing lights, has powerful people behind her. They will be looking for him. He has to move quickly with the shadows and avoid the light. He has to retreat to familiar surroundings. He has to visit the beast.

Major feels like her life is void. She feels like she is dead, yet she keeps on working. It almost seems work is the only thing in her life.

61

She had been hired immediately at the psychiatric hospital, so now she is working from 6:00 a.m. until midnight with only enough time to travel between jobs at the two hospitals. That does not leave much time to sleep, but she isn’t having much success in that category anyway.

Major sleeps with one ear to the door, listening to hear if Len will perchance return. She needs to see him desperately. She needs to help him, help him restore what he once was, what they once were. She tries not to think of Darin, but that is impossible. Her pillow is always damp from the silent tears, never a chance to dry out from the night before.

Nights for Len are spent in the shadows. The familiar surroundings begin to change and panic sets in. Opposing forces are at play and the word on the streets is that the heat is closing in.

The beast is roaming the streets, checking everything out with a cynical eye. He will not entertain again until things settle down a bit. Even the shadows are quiet. Len has to chance getting what he can. And he never knows quite what he is getting.

They all know they have to be careful, or they can get some bad stuff. Len asks, “Are you sure this is good stuff?” As he strolls off with his fix, he laughs to himself, “None of it is good.”

Len is unable to get what he needs. He begins to hurt real bad. And each pain reminds him of another pain. Reality is getting a grip on him again and that begins to speak to him through his own conscience.

62

Then the shadows speak. They have been silent for several days, but now they are furious. They command him to stop listening to the other voice, the voice of his conscience. The shadows command that he only listen to them.

Major is listening to everyone. She doesn’t take her work lightly and she is learning much about hospitals by listening. She can easily listen to others’ conversations without it slowing down her work any.

Major is once again reminded that things aren’t always what they appear to be. Angry complaints often echo throughout the hospital corridors. Grumblings about how they can’t wait to get out of the hospital. But Major is beginning to realize that the long hospital stays aren’t the fault of the Doctors as she had been led to believe.

Ironically, as much as the patients complain, they keep coming back to the hospital. Or often they will come up with severe ailments just before they are scheduled to leave.

The ones that don’t complain are doing well and being released quickly. Major hadn’t known about them because she had never heard them complaining. They will be in and out quickly without much notice. Being sick and in a hospital is not something to be happy about, but it seems to help recovery time when a more positive outlook is present. And it certainly helps relieve some of the stress of the Doctors and nurses when they work in an atmosphere of compliments.

63

It also doesn’t help much that the newspaper’s main interpretation of “informing the public” is to report primarily the bad news. It gets front page because that’s what sells newspapers. There are so many good dedicated Doctors, but only the bad ones are remembered.

Major hears one gruff bitter voice read the headlines of one such article. The voice echoes down the corridors. Major figures it doesn't help the committed focus of Doctors and nurses as they perform their difficult tasks among the grateful few.

So many patients try to blame the Doctors. They will not even consider that they may be mostly responsible for what is going wrong with them. They choose to live an unhealthy life and are angry at the hospital. How dare the Doctors insinuate that the fault lies in their lifestyle. They pay the Doctors to make everything right, not intrude upon their lifestyle.

By far the biggest complaint that Major hears is how much they have to pay. No matter what it is, there's always someone complaining about how much something costs.

Today the man’s name is Bill. Bill complains bitterly about the small percentage of cost that the insurance company won’t cover. Major thinks of how much of a privilege it is to even be able to complain like that. She’ll probably never see the day when she’ll be able to afford medical insurance.

Bill’s wife finally arrives, and rescues the poor ladies behind the desk as she leads her bitter husband away. As they reach the door, Bill smothers his wife with kisses. She had rented a limo as a surprise celebration return trip home.

64

Not every hospital stay ends in celebration. There are problems here beyond that of medical nature. Major expects turmoil in the lives of the patients at the psychiatric hospital, but at times she feels the emotional problems here are even worse.

Some people will come into the hospital as a result of a terrible accident. Some have their entire bodies mangled and facial features rearranged to a degree that leaves them beyond recognition. But what is recognizable is the lack of true love existing for their crippled mates. More than once, Major has noticed a husband or wife of an accident victim visiting with such supportiveness, expressing the love and sharing the pain their loved one is going through. But once out of the room, many will show a much different side. They are seemingly prepared to turn away from the one they had so loved; many having already turned away.

Major believes that a marriage is supposed to be deep streams of love that can survive the dry seasons. But with some of these husbands and wives, it is rather shallow creeks that will soon become dry beds with the seasons ahead. And some are filling their beds with someone else.

These people who are obviously cheating on their spouses are for the most part attractive people. They are experts in the art of flirtation. Their partner had no doubt been very attractive before the accident also. They likely had both met as a result of an elaborate display of the human mating ritual. It was probably some way of living out their ideal fantasy; one that could be admired by the world. They are prime social personalities. They look good together. It is like a place setting; a marriage of fine china ...until the accident.

65

The fine china and the broken china don’t match. And it isn’t easy putting the pieces back together. There is also the question, “Would it ever be the same?”

Perhaps it is the fault of both, for joining on such a weak bond. Their marriage cannot be built on love, otherwise an accident would not have destroyed that bond.

Major knows that had Darin lived after being hit by that train, she would have kept on loving him regardless of what condition he would have been in. She would have never stopped loving him.

There are husbands and wives that feel the same as Major does, and she admires them. She feels a special love towards them as they visit their loved ones. They will travel back and forth long distances each day to visit and on occasion to just sit. Some will sit there for hours as their loved one rests in a coma. They will extend a loving hand as they sit there, hoping their mate will somehow feel their presence.

Major sees this as a type of loving servitude, and somehow she knows it is a mutual love between mates. If it had been the other mate, it would still be the same. There would be no abandoning of love, even if it seemed only like servitude. Servitude of this nature usually includes much prayer and if they are not sitting with their marriage partner, they are in the chapel praying.

Major approaches the desk at the hospice to check Olga's schedule. Major voices her extreme disappointment, "What do you mean, Olga doesn't work here anymore?"

66

The desk answers, "She stopped working here a few weeks ago."

"Well, she's a friend of mine. Is there any way I can get in touch with her?"

"I'm sorry, madam, that is confidential information."

Major is thoroughly frustrated. She turns the corner toward the lobby. She wants to ask someone about Olga, but she doesn't want the hospice to kick her out for asking about confidential information.

Major doesn't know quite what to do. She can't locate Len, she can't locate Olga, and lately neither can she locate any of her own feelings. But she listens as some of the visitors locate theirs.
Sometimes listening isn't done by hearing …it is done by the heart. A woman sits quietly, holding her husbands hand. Her lips are moving, apparently whispering something to him that perhaps no one else believes he can hear. She holds his hand, not convinced he knows it's her, but certain he knows someone is there. She can't expect anyone else at the hospice to invest that sort of time, after all, there are so many other patients with similar needs. She just wants him to know someone is holding his hand; and there is only one person that can dedicate that kind of time to one person alone. And that person would be the role she fills …his wife.

Major reasons, “This is the type of mate I’d have been. I’d really love my man ...and not give up when the going got tough. I’d stand by him all the way.”

67

But she’d never have a man. Darin is gone. Tears gather in her eyes as she contemplates the love that could have been.

There is anger in her tears. She has nothing short of contempt for all who had taken vows of love and commitment, but were now cheapening that expression, betraying that love. Love is a gift that we give to one another. Those who abuse the gift are not worthy of it. Why are the blessings given to those who just abuse them?

Major hadn’t abused the gift, she valued it highly. Why had the gift been taken from her? She only wanted Darin. She would have loved him like no woman had ever loved a man. Why was Darin taken from her? It was not fair!

Yes, life is rough and maybe love is hard, but what about those who don’t have it so rough ...those blessed with good health and who have all the potential of a healthy relationship? Why are they also spreading their devotion like a street vendor?

A nurse jokes about the pros and cons of extramarital affairs. She claims her new man is a pro and had conned her into it. A Doctor and a nurse would stop for a moment in the stairwell or a treatment room. And what kind of treatment would their spouse get? The same two would meet in the parking lot later and depart together to obvious places, telling their spouses they had to work late.

Major hates these people. They don’t have to give in to their simple lusts. They can choose to be like the other Doctors and nurses. They all have the same work stress, and the long hours with many letdowns when medical miracles do not follow through. They all need a release from all the stress and will often have to face a spouse who is asleep as is most of the world.

68

But that’s where love stands the test. And the truth is, most of these Doctors and nurses are smart healthy human beings. They are successful. And most of them are successful in maintaining a healthy marital relationship also. Major knows that her admiration should be towards this group of people. So why is she focusing on those who fail the test? Why does she have nothing but contempt for those who have failed?

She doesn’t know if she hates them for not passing the test or if her hate is a deep hurt, a painful jealousy because she has not been given the chance to even take the test.

Perhaps her hate is not a hate, but a fear. A fear that something has happened to Len; that he's in a hospital somewhere with his life depending upon the judgment of Doctors and nurses.

Major is not joining the ranks of the media in distorting her perspective of Doctors and nurses nursing their own needs. They are Doctors and nurses by profession and most of them do well. Even if she doesn’t agree with the lifestyles of a few of them, she has to believe that even they do their job well.

Whether her hate is a personal hurt or fear, it is still a hate. She hates the way most of society is no longer outraged by the things she still despises. Have they just accepted the way things are? Are they truly content? Why don’t they hate it the way she does?

69

Major sees a society of prima donnas. They are adults who have never matured along into accepting adult responsibilities. They live in lust while pretending it is true love. They are the ones who can smile for society and be admired. They follow the pace and trends of society. They have everything, yet they have nothing. And they are nothing as far as Major is concerned.

These trendy people live on the surface and never challenge true emotion. If they are robbed of their facades, if we don’t play their games, then they will realize they are nothing. But there are many game players and together they will rob the kind-hearted, the gentle and the good.

There will be a trickling down effect. The pain of what they are doing will harden or destroy those who try to resist them and gradually those will believe they can only survive by changing too. Part of that change will be bred with doubt. Even the innocent will be prone to suspicion, but doubt brings tension ..and tension stirs the cup that brings around change. At first, the cup is too hot to even sip, but after a while we find it has cooled ...and we gulp it down.

Major isn’t swallowing it. Some things are like a poison to society. And one of those poisons is complacency. Society is partly responsible for encouraging it and for not informing the public of the dangers. But society doesn’t feel it's responsible for something unless it dictates that it is responsible for it. Society itself is complacent. It’s made up of people who tend to consent to the desires of those who choose to lead. And society is being led right into the dangers of complacency.

70

Major refuses to follow. She feels the change, but will continue to resist it. But in resisting it, she finds herself changing in other ways. Part of that change made her suspicious of everyone, paranoid of everything, and bitter towards those convicted by her mind’s eye.

What is happening to her? Is she judging everyone because of her own hurt, her past failures, and that which she has lost? She doesn’t like the way it is affecting her, but what can she do?

When she lost Darin she lost something inside her she feels will never return. With Darin, she had lived unaffected by the world ...they had created their own little world together. That love can never return. Then she lost Len. Len was affected by the world. He could still return, but he hadn’t. Has she blamed society for that? Is that where hate comes from? Will she, too, fall prey as another victim of society?

So many questions …so few answers. She is only certain she must fight on ...fight on for what she still believes in.

At the psychiatric hospital it is somewhat different, yet Major’s role is somewhat the same. She is to try to make everything clean and shiny.

The patients at the psychiatric hospital for the most part are social outcasts. The rejection is not hidden like it is in the other hospital. Here it is more upfront. The patients know why they are sent here. They know they are considered mentally unstable. Some fit the role, others exaggerate it and enjoy doing so.

71

The latter type love to shock people. They seem to enjoy freaking-out. Sometimes it is the only way they can get the much needed attention. The more people they can get involved the better. And they glory in getting people out of their little shells, to break the routine monotony of the day and make these people confront life and deal with the challenges.

Though most of them are ill prepared for anything other than routine. If the routine changes, panic sets in. Though this is the character of the patients, Major is disappointed to find most of the staff this way also.

Both types of patients are unpredictable, and it is often difficult to tell which ones work towards a purpose to be so. One patient in particular seems to be working towards a goal to make everyone crazy. They call him Crazy Larry.

The majority of the staff don’t seem geared towards the needs of the patients, and aren’t even aware if a conflict is brewing. Even staff members who had worked here for years often times are no exception. They have become complacent, and spend much of their time in idle gossip, on the phone, or taking care of bills and other personal things. They do not see the signs or indications of patient stress and anxiety building. They do not see the course of events that lead up to the point where a patient’s patience reaches the limit. They only see the cataclysmic effect. Therefore, they find these patients to be highly unpredictable.

72

Major may be only a janitor, but she can see that they are not unpredictable. She can see when they are frustrated or upset and she has some insight into what makes them that way. She notices that they are satisfied with simple recognition and don’t really prefer the severe acting out behavior to meet their needs.

The patients can tell which ones have their hearts in their work; the ones who have taken the job for more than just the money. And the patients quickly notice that Major is one of those people. She is a hard worker. She puts everything she has into her work. She seems driven to do the job right. They don’t know why she is driving herself so, but they admire her for it. Such determination is not common around these parts.

They wonder why Major shows so much interest and puts so much determination into cleaning a urinal, mopping a floor, or washing a window. They find her to be a very interesting person. And they wonder what she thinks about. There has to be life beyond the urinal. And they wonder about that life. They wonder what she thinks about them. Few of the workers act like the patient's function is any more significant than that of a latrine. But they can tell that Major is not like the rest.

They start out by just saying hi. Major returns the greeting, not with a smile, but she shows signs of recognition. Major feels their eyes on her. She doesn’t know if eye contact is such a good idea, but she chances a quick glance in their direction and a simple hi. She knows it will mean a lot to them. Maybe a smile along with the glance. She doesn’t feel like smiling, but she does it for them. It will probably make their day if someone just shows some simple recognition.

73

And Major is right. It does seem to make their day. They must be starving for attention. Soon they become braver. Major doesn’t know if this attention is such a good idea. They begin asking her questions, and occasionally her opinion about things. It creates a rather uncomfortable feeling. She is hesitant at first to answer, but then realizes they are probably just looking to her as a role model. So Major briefly answers their questions without eye contact. She keeps her eyes busily on her work.

As time goes on, the smiles come easier for Major. She feels good to add a smile to their day. And as time passes, Major begins to see the real extent of their needs.

Another person interprets the extent of their needs quite differently. Major first hears of her from Crazy Larry. He warns Major of the one he calls Nitro Nurse. The way Nitro Nurse sees it, the patients beg for assurance in knowing that things are under control. The majority of the staff are insecure about their work, they don’t know how to interact with the patients, and they give the overall feeling that the patients are on their own. The staff and patients feed on each other's insecurities and it compounds their fears. But not with Nitro Nurse on duty. Nitro Nurse is feared by the patients. When she works, things run smooth. There is a general sense of security about the whole place when Nitro Nurse works. The patients will retreat to the lounge to watch television. The staff will sit back with ease, talking on the phone, taking extra trips for coffee, and starting new gossip.

74

The patients fear Nitro Nurse, yet they feel secure in a weird sort of way because everything is under control. The patients respect her, and though Nitro Nurse shows no sign that she cares for the patients, Major is convinced that in some strange way the patients like this nurse ...though they dare not show it.

Nitro Nurse doesn’t miss a thing. She seems to know just when a patient is going to have one of those days ...when they cannot deal with their problems. But Nitro Nurse will take care of it. She will have an intramuscular injection ready. The patient will scream terror while getting the IM, but strangely enough, it seems like the injection is what the patients want. The inability to deal with any of life’s disappointments is what usually causes the patients to panic and Nitro Nurse gives the much needed escape.

Some of the patients seem to be aware of how much they can tolerate and when they come near to that limit, they even ask for a shot. Major wonders how much of this is drug addiction ...the inability to adequately confront life’s problems and looking towards drugs as a dependency, escape being the chosen solution.

Even though the shots don’t seem to bother some of the patients, the sight of the needle and syringe frightens Major. She is not in fear of the needles themselves, but of what is being injected into the patients’ bodies. She wonders why the staff can’t just talk to the patients and show a simple gesture of concern.

75

Why are the staff so afraid of being human enough to recognize the concerns of another human being? Perhaps the patients symbolize the staff’s own subconscious fears. Perhaps they are just ill equipped to handle the problems. Perhaps they are much like the patients and need their own mode of escape. But can they actually think that by ignoring the problem, it will eventually go away?

Major is cleaning the staff bathroom when she hears riotous behavior out in the hallway. She steps into the hallway and a staff member quickly slips by her into the bathroom, almost running her over.

It is Crazy Larry causing the commotion in the hallway. But in spite of Larry’s screaming, Major can hear the woman inside the bathroom. She is praying that the problem outside go away.

Larry turns to Major, “These two old stubborn mules are playing a video cassette on boxing. They never let me watch Highway to Heaven. They can play that cassette anytime.”

Larry begins telling Major about the story and how it is continued from last week. He has to find out how the story ends.

Major recognizes the storyline. It is a rerun. Major smiles, "I saw that episode a couple years ago. I can tell you how it ends. But first, can you tell me why you are so interested in how something that you never get to watch ends?"

Crazy Larry brightens up, "Okay, maybe I'm the stubborn mule."

And suddenly there is not a problem. Larry walks alongside Major as she mops the floor and tells him in detail about the story.

76

The staff member finally comes out of the bathroom. She looks at Crazy Larry’s smile as he follows Major down the hallway. The woman voices aloud, “Praise the Lord”, then walks down the hall through the area Major has just mopped.

Major looks at her briefly, wondering if the woman is convinced that her prayers had worked to calm Larry down. Major is not a person of prayer. She is not against other people doing it, she just can’t imagine prayer alone, without some sincere effort on the person’s part. Major is feeling rather good that she had helped Larry. The staff member is feeling good because she feels her prayers had helped Larry. In truth, Larry was happy. All around, it seems everyone is happy.

Suddenly Major sees Larry’s mood change. She follows his glance. Nitro Nurse is coming down the hallway towards them. She obviously had heard the previous commotion, and she is armed with a large syringe and needle. It does not matter that Larry has calmed down. When Nitro Nurse makes up her mind that someone is getting a shot, they get a shot.

Larry had told Major why they call her Nitro Nurse, and Major can clearly see why. Larry had shown her the dictionary definition of the compound substance. It said that nitroglycerin was thick, pale, and explosive. Larry had shortened it to nitro; and therefore the nickname Nitro Nurse.

Larry had said Nitro was thick. Major thought that Nitro was built much like her Grandma had been, except Nitro had a much bigger frame. Major never thought of her Grandma as thick ...Grandma always considered herself huggable. But speaking of Nitro Nurse, maybe Larry meant thick-skulled.
77

Major agrees that Nitro is extremely pale. Major is pale compared to most people, but not like Nitro. Nitro appears to be an indoor person.

Major is an outdoor person. But she is not into sun worshiping. She tries to make a habit of covering up well. She considers it a good idea to heed today’s warnings about too much sun. It brings premature aging of the skin and also the risk of skin cancer.

Those certainly aren't qualities to judge a person by. But there is something that Major doesn’t like. Major doesn’t know if she has ever seen a woman like this. It is hard to even think of her as a woman ...a woman by Major’s standards.

Nitro Nurse hesitates ever so briefly, looking right into Larry's eyes. Major glances into the lounge ...and the boxing tape is over. The patients had switched over to the TV, and tuned into another violent show. It's a movie already in progress, and one of the characters says, "Make my day!"

Major quickly glances back at Nitro, with that needle in her hand ...seemingly with the same attitude in mind. She is probably a big fan of the bad good guys ...by today’s moviegoer terminology. And you wouldn’t dare challenge her.

Nitro Nurse doesn’t waste any time in giving Larry the shot. She rips his pants in clearing the way for the needle.

Larry just stands there. He doesn’t resist. When it is over, he smiles at Nitro, “Thank you. I guess that's what I get for needling you all the time.”

Nitro Nurse just glares at him.

Major eventually works her way down the hallway towards the nursing station. Nitro Nurse is her feet up, and watching her own TV. It sounds like a gangster movie ...which doesn't surprise Major. Nitro Nurse probably watches these kind of programs for motivation.

Major works her way around, as curiosity is motivating her. The accent of the characters is a little confusing ...though there is a clear similarity between Nitro's way of speaking and the female character. She peaks around the corner. It's a cartoon!

Major silently laughs to herself ...she didn't dare laugh aloud. It was the Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoon, with Boris and Natasha. And surprisingly, Nitro sounds like Natasha. She was getting much of her bold confidence from this assertive strong female cartoon character?!?

78

V.

The sun glares off each passing vehicle. The light is blinding and the roar of traffic deafening. It must be rush hour figures Len, though each hour of the light seems to be rush hour for most of these people. Len tries to avoid these hours. His are the hours of darkness. Suddenly Len feels a chill. Once again the grip of death pulls him down. He looks about. He had passed out in an alley somewhere. How long had he been here? He has no idea.

Len tries to get up, attempting to overcome the pain shooting out of every cell in his body. He is fortunate he has not been found. Sooner or later it will be either a cell or a coffin. How much longer can the luck last?

Len’s body collapses. His head is spinning like it is going to rotate right off his body and spin off into space somewhere. That’s where his spirit is …lost in space somewhere.

He struggles to his knees and tries to heave, but there is nothing there. The dry heaves are the worst.

He reaches inside his pocket. It is empty. Len collapses.

When he opens his eyes again, his senses are more alive. He has been face down in a pile of trash coated with his own vomit, alive with countless scavenging insects. The stench, built up from unknown days, does not even measure up to the way he feels inside.

79

Len remains still. He tries to ignore the stench and gather up strength enough to sit up. Once again he reaches into his pocket. It is empty. So are his hopes.

Suddenly his finger slips into a hole. Len reaches through the bottom of the pocket and within the lining of his jacket. He still has some of the beast’s prescription left. It is just enough to get him straight again. And once he becomes straight again, he knows what he has to do.

There is one thought that keeps torturing him. He keeps seeing the face of his sister and it is agonizing. He has to do this one last thing. Then he can rid himself of her face.

Major has a hard time facing her emotions today. It is near quitting time at OT Medical and she has yet another shift at NCP, the Newcastle psychiatric hospital. These two jobs and the drive are starting to take their toll on her, but she has to make sure it doesn’t show in her work. She takes pride in doing her job well.

Major is cleaning the windows at the emergency entrance when the ambulance pulls up. Each time an ambulance pulls up she fears her brother will be in it.

Len hasn’t returned home since he’d left two weeks ago. His departure had not been a pleasant one and it still hurts her deeply what her brother had said to her. Why doesn’t Len return home? Maybe he doesn’t feel it is home anymore. But where can he be? Is he in jail? Is he making that his home?

80

Major knows her brother is rather reckless at times. And no one ever accused him of being a law abiding citizen, but he isn’t that bad. He never had any major problems with the law. His main brushes with the law were usually his driving record. Major knows she can stand improvement in that area herself. But she is working on it. She has shown some improvement. That close call just last week had stirred a change in her. She recalls that afternoon.

She had a toilet overflow on her as she was finishing up the afternoon by cleaning the men’s room. By the time she got it mopped up, she had to rush if she was going to make it to her second job on time. The psychiatric hospital is far enough away, but it seems longer if she doesn't time the traffic lights between here and Route 1. One could argue that they're all timed to make you stop.

Major knew that if she drove 10 miles per hour over the speed limit, she could make all the lights on green. She sped under the last light on deep yellow. But suddenly, a car pulled out from a side street, right in front of her. She tried to brake, but she was going too fast.

She swerved and crossed over the line into the other lane. If there had been any oncoming traffic, it would have been tight.

It scared Major and she slowed down after that. She finds it hard to believe she is actually driving within the speed limit now. But she still fears for Len. He probably hasn’t slowed down, his driving nor his drinking.

81

A couple nights ago, a young man and an elderly woman had been rushed to the hospital by ambulance. The young man had smashed into the back of the elderly woman’s car as she was blinking to make a left-hand turn. The police reportedly witnessed the accident. It was raining and the young man was going 65 m.p.h. in a 50 m.p.h. zone. The woman died. If the young man survived, he would be charged with involuntary manslaughter. And that really scared Major when she heard that.

She hears another ambulance penetrate the night. She begs that Len please not be in this ambulance, nor be the cause of it. She realizes it is ridiculous to fear this every time, but she has been a wreck wondering where he is or what could have happened to him. She is sure he would have come home by now. Len and she were always so close. One little problem would not keep him away forever. Len was always one to apologize and make up, even if it wasn’t his fault. He certainly would come back this time. But he hadn’t. And she wonders …why? That’s why she fears something has happened to him.

The siren echoes through the night. Major sees the ambulance pull up in front of the hospital. Strangely, its siren still echoes through the night. No, a second ambulance is piercing the night.
Major picks up her window cleaner and bucket and clears the way. They are unloading the first ambulance when the second one pulls up. Major whispers to herself, "Please don’t let it be Len!"

82

She moves to the nursing station. Everyone seems to be scattering, but in an organized fashion. Major is sure the incoming ambulance had already called in the emergency and they are already prepared.

Major soon overhears a few details. A train had derailed and several people are badly injured. Immediately the memory of Darin’s accident becomes all too painfully clear again. What is it with these horrid trains?

It is quitting time for Major. She puts away her tools of the trade and heads out into the night. She feels like she needs to talk with someone, but then again, she wants to be alone. It matters not what she wants …duty calls and she has her shift at the psychiatric hospital to work yet.

She thinks of Crazy Larry. Larry always seems to want to talk with her. Tonight, maybe she will welcome that. She has to admit that talking with someone might help a little. She always talks with Larry because she feels it helps him. Maybe it will also help her tonight.

Major hopes Nitro Nurse will not be around. Last evening Nitro had warned her, “On an adult ward you have to be on your guard at all times. Any person who has reached eighteen without working out their problems will never work out their problems. They have to be controlled. That’s my job. You just remember, you are a female in a male world here. These men are not to be trusted.”

83

Major had just begun to feel good about her work. She had felt encouraged to help some of the patients here. And she had wanted to feel she could trust her instincts. She believes Larry isn’t as crazy as they really make him out to be. If he only wouldn’t seem so obsessed with aggravating
Nitro Nurse, things would be so much better.

This evening begins with one of Nitro Nurse's “or else” speeches and then she seems to disappear. Everyone fears that she is lying in wait and fears for their life, so this helps guarantee there will be no problems.

Larry does not have Nitro Nurse to aggravate, so he follows Major around as she works. They talk about the hospital. Larry seems to know everything that goes on.

Larry tells her about every one of the patients on the ward. He tells her that most of the patients are really good people and that their problems first developed as a result of not getting a fair shake in life. He tells Major a lot, but one thing especially helps lift her spirits ...Larry tells her what a good person she is.

Major needs to hear that. She feels her brother must not think so, or he would have returned home by now.

She is glad Larry is here to talk with. But it seems both are aware of one thing. Neither talk about themselves. Neither one will reveal anything personal. Major knows better though. She remembers what her grandma used to say, “You reveal more about yourself by what you say about others than what you say about yourself.” And Major knows both she and Larry are revealing plenty.

84

Larry inquires, “You look to me like a person who wants to make a difference in this world. Am I wrong?.”

Major wonders about the sudden turn in conversation, “I don’t know. I guess we all do.”

“I used to, but not anymore. No, I guess that’s not true. I guess I still want to make a difference, but what can I do in here?"

Major smiles, “You can lay off Nitro Nurse and make a difference in whether you can sit down or not.”

They both laugh. It had been a long time since Major had laughed like that. Olga had made her laugh that day in the cemetery, but it had been laughter mixed with tears. Major recalls the moment and the person who had helped determine if and how she was to approach the rest of her life.

One minute she had placed a gun to her head, and then just minutes later Olga had accepted an invite to Major's place to bake a cake.

Major is upset with herself for neglecting to find out where Olga lives. The other day she had driven Olga to the bus stop upon her request. She had intentions to ask Olga where she lived. But upon seeing a tear come to Olga’s eye, she too was overcome. They hugged each other tight. They parted with a kiss to each of their foreheads, and not a word more was said. Words to be spoken become difficult with trembling and tears. A wave as Olga got on the bus was all that either could offer at this moment. As the bus pulled away, the remainder of the tears were spent.

85

Major can’t face going to the cemetery again. She hopes Olga will knock on her door one day, but it is unlikely she will be home to hear the knock. She is at work all the time. Though she is sure that Olga will leave a note if she stops by. Olga probably will never stop by. She will never see Olga again. Maybe Olga doesn’t care after all.

That is a foolish thought. Of course she cares. Olga had risked her life to save her. Maybe Olga is ill. If she only knew where Olga lives, she would bake an Angel Food cake for her. And she would run any errands Olga needed to have done.

Yes, Major is beginning to cope. She is thinking like Olga. She will be a servant of the people. She will live each day as Olga had lived …after having lost her only daughter. Major will spend a lifetime serving people.

But she also remembers what Olga had said about her being young and finding someone to fill her heart again. Major smiles when she thinks about that. If Olga were here right now she would probably tease her about Larry. Major laughs to herself, “Yes, I know what you are going to say Olga. But nutty as a fruitcake is just not the same as Angel Food.”

Crazy Larry sees that Major has drifted off in thought. He clears his throat before speaking, “I guess you are right. I can make a difference. I don't really try to bother Nitro Nurse. I don't know why she seems to hate me." "Maybe she wants to be hated and you bug her because you won't acknowledge the hate."

86

"But I don't hate her! I admire her."

"Do you think your admiration could possibly help you exhibit a little more self-control when she's around?"

"What, and lose my reputation with the other patients?"

"Do you care what they think?"

"You have a point there. It seems I don't much. But they can all see that you care. And I’ll tell you what I'll do. I’ll tell you the backgrounds of every patient here, the things they like, their hang-ups, and their soft spots. I’ll tell you what you can say to them to make them feel good.”

Major interrupts, “Wait a minute. How do you know the background of every patient here? That’s confidential.”

“On midnight shift when the staff are snoozing in the lounge, I sneak down and read the charts.”

Major shakes her forefinger at Larry and smiles, “You are crazy!”

They both laugh.

Major also laughs to herself a few times in recollection on her way home that evening. But as she nears her neighborhood, she suddenly has an emotional turnabout. She thinks of her empty home and all the memories that go along with it. Amazing how a certain setting can carry a certain mood along with it, so powerful that it can snap you out of any mood you’re in. Major realizes how desperate life has become. The setting that gives her the most comfort is that of the psychiatric hospital. It is rather strange. And even more strange is the feeling she has about going home this evening.

87

She pulls up to her house and shuts off the car lights and engine. The darkness engulfs her.
The darkness also engulfs Len. He sits in the stillness, in the absence of light. He waits. He listens. He knows it is coming. And he listens.

Major also listens. She listens to her heartbeat. With each step her heart beats faster. Each footstep stabs at her heart, as if it were a step closer to death.

The doorknob rattles as she fumbles the keys. She feels as if she is about to enter a dead zone. A morgue ...a place where bodies of the unknown dead are kept. Hers is an emotional death. A death unknown to those she serves at work.

Len waits for the voice he serves. Then he hears it.

The door creaks open. Major flicks on the light. She just stands there dumbstruck. She looks on in disbelief. Her drums …her drums are back!

Len knows the voice he serves, the voice of the shadows, will be furious. And it is!

Len had defied the voice he served and he knew that was the beginning of the end. He had been tortured by the tear-ridden accusing face of his sister. He did not fear the voice of the shadows because he had decided what he must do. He had to rid himself of his sister’s hurting face. He had done her wrong by stealing her drums. What he had done was unforgivable, even though the drugs had controlled him. But he'd have one last victory over the drugs. His love for his sister will win out this time.

88

Len had stolen a car and then went to a music store and stole some sort of adaptor gizmo. He brought it to the drop house where he had brought his sister’s drums and he told the guy that this was a vital component of the drum sound system. He told the guy that the component had been sent back to the manufacturer for fine-tune repairs and it had just returned. Len convinced him that it was vital to the quality of the system and that whoever he had sold the drums to, would pay at least 20 score for it. The guy gave Len a couple of bills and apparently thought he was going to score big on this one, as he carried the gadget to his car and took off like a big bird.

For a moment, Len felt really clever. But then he thought, “Len, you’re not that clever ...it’s just that this character is really dumb.” Len thought again, “If I am so much smarter than these guys, then how did I ever let myself get mixed up with them in the first place? Why did I ever start taking drugs?”

Len’s brother was studying in Europe. And his sister would be okay if he hadn’t tried to mess her life up. They all came from the same rotten family background, so why is it they could make it straight and he had turned to drugs?

Well, too late to be sorry now. He can’t afford to feel sorry for himself ...he has to try to undo as much of the wrong as he can that he had done against his sister.

Len is real anxious. He is excited because this guy had taken his bait and was leading him to the place where his sister’s drums were. But he was not too anxious, knowing he would pay for this one.

89

They were dumb, but even they were smart enough to be able to tie the missing drums back to Len. He hadn’t told them where he lived and he’d make sure he’d never go back home after he got his sister’s drums back. He could never live there again. He knew he’d probably not live long anyway. He had to live the streets, and he couldn’t hide in the shadows forever.

Soon he’ll suffer that familiar pain. It will drive him mad, out of his mind …if he doesn’t get more drugs to keep him straight. And they will be looking for him. He will be a marked man. He has betrayed his connections. They will be waiting for him.

The voice of the shadows penetrates the air, “You have defied me. You dared to disobey? There is no disobedience in this world. There is no forgiveness. You are now a marked man. The shadows will no longer protect. They will consume. You were told to abandon your family and friends. I showed you who you could trust ...who your friends were. You were to listen only to me. I did not permit you to show compassion. There is no compassion in our world ...only mutual benefit and survival. There is no forgiveness in our world. You disobeyed. You betrayed us. The shadows will soon betray you. You will die at the hand of those who you betrayed. You have defied my words and I have ordered them to destroy you. There is no room for disobedience and no room for error ...no room for those who think for themselves and decide for themselves. You must die.”

90

Major just stands there like a statue, having not even swung the door shut behind her. Her frozen stare engulfs the room. Thoughts run through her mind, muddled and confused. A tear gathers in her eye, but freezes there. She wants to be happy, but she more than senses something is wrong.

Of course there is something wrong. There is plenty wrong. But she wonders if there is more. She hesitates, not knowing whether it is safe. Are there more surprises lurking inside? Is she being deceived again?

Her drums being returned means that she has been visited again. Her eyes wander to Len’s door. The door is ajar. She is sure it had been closed earlier that morning. She puts her hand near her throat as fear grips her. She tries to call out, but chokes on her emotion. She tries again, but no words bite the air. She tries again, “Len?” As her voice penetrates the air, she becomes more aware of how deadly silent it is. The thought is frightening.

The darkness outside also seems to grip her. She closes the door behind her and locks it. She puts the latch on. But she doesn’t feel any safer by doing it.

She clenches her fists in nervous anticipation of the unknown. She stares at the two windows ...a fragile bulwark between present confines and the possible dangers of the shadows of darkness. She tenses every muscle in her body to guard herself against the thought of the glass suddenly shattering with a swift invasion. But she also keeps an eye on Len’s door. The way it is open, seems to invite the terror of the darkness within.

91

Major keeps her eye on the bedroom door and walks sideways to the windows, pulling the shades and curtains. She gradually moves over to her drums. She picks up her sticks and sits down. She begins violently beating her drums, as if to scare away any evil spirits. But even with such high intensity, she never lets her eyes wander from Len’s door.

The intensity fades. She stops. She listens to the silence. It is tearing her apart. She fears there is something terrible beyond the door, but she does not feel safe without knowing.

With drumsticks in hand, Major slowly stands up. She gently rests the weapons beside her drums. She knows that anything perceived as a weapon will only invite more violence. Even if she had a real weapon, she can’t imagine using it. She abhors violence.

Major edges her way to the bedroom door. The tension becomes maddening as she reaches the door. She quickly reaches around the corner and flicks on the wall switch, then quickly retrieves her hand while stepping back. She listens to the silence. Hearing nothing, Major steps forward and kicks the door the rest of the way open. No immediate danger reveals itself. She peers cautiously into the room. The very first thing that catches her eye is a piece of paper resting boldly on Len’s bed. She looks quickly about, scanning the room. Len’s closet door is open. With all the stuff jammed into it, the door is never able to close. Major crouches down to look under Len’s bed. Aside from the danger of getting lost in the clutter, the room appears safe.

92

Major steps between the comic books lying all over the floor, and walks towards the piece of paper on the bed.

It’s a note.

Major picks it up as she sits down on the edge of the bed. Her hand is shaking. She doesn’t know if she wants to read it, but she has to.

The note reads:

Dear Sister, —-I’m sorry for all that has happened.
I have not only failed you, I was destroying your life,
and that’s why I had to leave. We just couldn’t get along.
You are better off without me. I will not tear your world apart,
so I am leaving forever. No blessings will come your way as long
as I’m around, so I won’t be back. I know how you are, Sister.
I know a tear is coming to your eye, but please wipe it away.
Don’t cry any tears for me, please. I’m not worth it. And I know
I have a strange way of expressing my love, but I do truly love you.
That’s why I had to leave. That is why I have to stay away. Don’t try
looking for me. I’m going far, far away. But you’re one tough girl.
You’ll make it. --Len.

Major does have a tear in her eye, but she doesn’t wipe it away. That tear is visited by others.

Tears stream down her face as she holds the note in her hands. Elbows resting on knees, she begins to read the note again, trying to read something into it that doesn’t speak with such finality.
But as she reads the note over, she finds it to read the same way as before. And before she can finish it a second time, her tears flood her vision.

93

She drops the note. As it floats to the floor, she drops her head in her hands.
Time is irrelevant, tears are constant. The tears finally expend themselves, but she is still crying with dry tears. And her heart is caving in.

She has to do something. She can’t do anything about getting Darin back, but she knows she can try to find Len. Life is filled with so much that we don’t have control over, that when we can do something ...well, she certainly is not going to sit idly by.

She wonders if there is some clue in the note about where she can find him. She looks to the floor where she had dropped the note. Comic books are spread all over the floor at her feet. Len reads lots of comics ...Jonny Quest ...Flash ...Marvel Fanfare ...The Question. Major is filled with questions, but has no answers. Will she be able to pick up the answers by reading these comic books?

Major picks up the #2 issue of `The Question’. Perhaps if she had the correct question she’d find the answer she is looking for.

She opens to the first page.

It reads:

Time does not exist. In death, there is no motion, no change.

Major turns the page:

In life, he had been a creature of turmoil…

94


Major doesn’t finish reading the sentence. Her eyes are drawn to the adjacent page. The one word printed on the page is ‘PAIN...’ But it is not the word itself that expresses it. The entire page is the face of a man in indescribable agony. Major can’t bear think about it. She doesn’t want to read on.
She can’t read on.

She tosses the comic book back on the floor where it joins Thor, Nick Fury, and Daredevil. Major stares at the note where it had landed a couple feet away. It had landed on an open comic book. Major picks up the comic book with the note. She glances at the cover, issue #97 The Amazing Spider-man.

Major looks back to the page where it had been open to: page sixteen. As she begins to read, she discovers a quite disturbing storyline. One character named Harry slams open the door with an accusing finger. He and a guy named Pete argue. They both say things they don’t mean.

Major thinks how similar this is to the situation between her and Len the last time she saw him. Major continues to read on. Pete confronts Harry, and observing how sick he looks, Pete suggests Harry see a doctor. Harry lets on that he’ll be okay. But as soon as Pete leaves, Harry hurries to the medicine cabinet.

Major just sits there staring at the comic book page. Has she found some clue as to where to find her brother? She fears she has.

Major turns in for the night, but she does not sleep.

95

Morning comes too soon. Major somehow musters up enough energy to get to work. She is not even conscious of how she gets there, but she gets there. And as she stares down the halls, she cannot escape the thought of Len. She fears she'll look into a room and see Len lying there helplessly.

The day is uncharacteristically slow, but in a hospital that is something to be thankful for. Major has less than fifteen minutes left on her shift before she'll have to head to her other job.

Then the moment she'd feared comes. A call comes in that an ambulance is on its way. Major edges her way near the nursing station. She overhears a nurse say that a young man had overdosed on drugs. This time Major feels the scenario matches too close.

Major grips the handle of her mop. Perspiration gathers across her brow and her palms are sweaty. One of the nurses happens to notice the tension on Major’s face, “Ease up on that stick. You’re squeezing water out of it.” But Major gives no recognition to the comment and she doesn’t ease up on her mop handle.

The ambulance arrives. There is panic on the faces of the crew as they quickly wheel him past. The doctors and nurses seem more impersonal about their work, but the ambulance crew acts like they are involved in a real crisis ...after all, it is a real crisis. Every human life is worthy of every effort. Every second is vital.

96

Major feels a special kinship with this very dedicated crew ...a feeling of deep respect and love for a group of people who ask no questions, but treat each person as if they are a brother or sister.
Others watch with little concern, as if to say that the person who overdoses on drugs gets his just desserts. Is the person on drugs below their dignity? Do they choose the job because of the money?

Or before this look of apathy, had they worn a look of concern? Had it disappeared over years of heartbreaks, failures, and tragedy until their caring is suppressed enough to create an uncaring attitude? Had they been overworked to the point of erosion of their own character, with decreasing self-worth and little regard for others?

Major doesn’t know the details behind each failed emotion. But she knows they are betraying themselves if they are abandoning their emotions.

Major will not allow herself to betray her emotions nor her concern for others. She strains to see who the unidentified person is, but she is unable to get a look. She is unable to see if it is her brother. But brother or not, she finds herself sharing the emotion of the emergency medical team. She will consider this young man as a brother, whether he is or not.

97                                                                                                                VI.

Major is waiting, but not with a smile. Her hand is shaking, not being consoled.

She is waiting for the traffic light. Major grips the wheel. She is thinking of the young man who had been brought in by ambulance just before quitting time ...quitting time for her, not the hospital. It is never quitting time for the hospital, just different people working their various shifts. It isn’t really quitting time for Major either. She is going to her second job. It is basically the same work, just a different building …miles away.

The light changes and Major drives on. She has another shift of work left at the psychiatric hospital. Then she'll try to get some sleep before starting all over again. Will it ever become quitting time for her, either? Major thinks it over, “I have to work because if I stop, I’d probably have to face life and there’d be no motivation not to quit that also.”

When she approaches the entrance of the hospital, Major suddenly focuses on a flickering light. There is a display in the lobby entrance. It is rather eerie looking …it's a jack-o’—lantern.

Major tries to recall the date. All the days seems the same to her, but she had written the date down several times on her cleaning schedule at the other hospital. It is October 30th, the eve before Halloween ...devil’s night, as they call it.

98

Major stares at the jack-o’-lantern. It has a wide grin. The fiery smile, an effect achieved by putting a candle inside, is familiar to her. This one is operated by a flickering light bulb. She can see the cord extending out the back.

Major remembers her days of pumpkin carving. She always carved out a huge smile, barely leaving room for a nose and eyes. She would put a candle inside and then turn off the lights and just sit in the dark admiring her friendly creation.

But she also remembers how the flame inside dried out the empty cavity and after several days it would quickly begin to shrivel and cave in. Later you could still see where the large grin had been, but it was no longer a happy grin. It was a forced grin, with hidden pain.

The thought, to Major, personifies what Len must be going through. She stares at the fresh wide grin of this jack-o’-lantern. She wonders how long he has hidden the pain. She imagines him decomposing somewhere, waiting for his whole life to cave in. And she knows it will take a miracle to prevent her life from doing the same.

As she glances one last time at the jolly jack-o’-lantern, the fiery grin consumes her thoughts. It becomes more of a sinister laugh than a grin.

Major passes through the lobby. The fiery grin continues to pass through her mind. She feels the burning inside. She continues to think of Len. She is reminded of the young man who had been rushed to OT Medical earlier in the day. She had been unable to see if the young man was Len. She will have to look into it tomorrow.

99

Meanwhile, she will see if Crazy Larry knows anything about drugs. Everyone is taught that drugs are bad for you, but usually that's the extent of what is taught. How does that differ from being taught that caffeine and nicotine are also drugs, and they are bad for you?

Major knows there's a big difference between those kind of drugs, prescribed drugs, and "street drugs". She has painfully learned the difference by living with Len. No one needs to tell her how terribly bad drugs are …but she could stand to learn a bit more about the addiction and what Len is going through if she is to have success in helping him.

Crazy Larry had surprised her in the past with his knowledge on various topics the few times they had talked, and she had a strange feeling that Larry would know something about drugs too. And though she doesn’t want him to know about her brother, she can casually bring up the incident of the emergency at the hospital and hope Larry is his usual self …in volunteering information.

Major signs in and gets her custodial cart from the janitorial closet. Her shift always begins by cleaning the first floor. It is a 4-story building, and she is required to clean the basement and the first three floors. The basement has a laundry room and a quite extensive collection of exercise equipment, only used during the day. The second and third floors are only used during the day also. The second floor is classrooms where they teach vocational training. And the third floor is all offices.

100

Major always begins on the first floor because it is the most difficult floor and she can only clean there until the patients go to bed. After that it will be a distraction to them, so she has to move on to the basement and other two floors.

As she passes the first floor lounge, she sees the makings for another evening of indulgence …of junk food and junk TV, evidenced in part by the growing number of strewn wrappers. Major figures the junk food reveals the likelihood that Nitro Nurse is on duty. It's perhaps the only nice thing that can be expected out of her. When she's on duty, she brings in various varieties of chips for the clientele, as she calls them. And it did seem to help suppress all other anxious behavior.

Anyway, Major stops by the lounge to sweep up the chips before mopping up the spilled coffee and colas.

A large number of the clientele are watching the boxing video again. Major doesn’t pay much attention to it, but can tell it is the same one they usually watch. They never seem to tire of it.
Major hates boxing. She can’t understand how a sport can be so popular when the main objective is to punch the other guy in the face until he is knocked unconscious or can’t fight anymore.

The more the clientele get into it, the more Major hates it. They seem to really idolize this guy who continues to defeat opponent after opponent to defend his title. And their speech and commentating on the bout are difficult to understand because they almost always have their mouths stuffed with food.

101

Major will never understand why men are like this, though she is surprised how much of their garbled talk she can now understand.

“He’s faster than lightning.”

“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”

“He can beat anybody.”

“Of course. Why do you think he’s called the World Champion?”

“He’s the best in the Universe.”

Major can’t pass it up, “He’s better than Superman.”

They all turn around. There is a slight hesitation, as if to consider it, “Yeah, he’s as fast as Superman. Look at him dodge those punches.”

Major can’t believe they are actually debating this.

“He’s not that fast. Look, he gets hit sometimes. Superman he could dodge all those punches. Superman can dodge a bullet.”

“He can dodge the punches too. He just lets the guy hit him to show how strong he is. Superman does that. He's just like Superman ...he never gets hurt when he gets hit.”

“He’s not really getting hit that hard. He goes with the punch. It’s a matter of timing.”

Major recognizes the last voice to be that of Crazy Larry. He had been slouched out of view on a sofa at the back of the lounge, but now is getting up and walking towards her.

After this video they will most likely watch a video of All-Star Wrestling. They also have one with women boxing and wrestling. That one is even worse. They laugh and make crude remarks during that one.

102

Major hates that even more. But those she abhors the most are those who make the videos and capitalized on the sex and violence. But that's not what disturbs Major at this moment. What bothers her is that Larry is watching the video with them. She had never thought he’d join the others in this insidious pastime.

Larry steps into the hallway. Major doesn’t realize the extent of her emotions, “I can’t believe you were watching those videos with them.”

Larry smiles, trying not to take offense, “I told you, I enjoy observing human behavior. And I was waiting for you to come in, so we could talk. I get lonely when you aren’t around.”

Major tries to lighten up a little. She forces a smile, “So when I’m not around and you get lonely you watch boxing with them?”

Larry can’t tell if she is kidding. This is the first time he's seen this much emotion and he senses she is upset with him. Larry waits for more of a clue. He doesn’t say anything.

Major really hates the idea of these sports. She can't understand why people will watch such a thing. Does some subconscious desire for this sort of thing lurk inside Larry too? She had felt he was different. It bothers her that she might have been wrong. Her emotions begin to rise again, “Is that why you like Nitro Nurse ...because you think she’d be fun to box or wrestle?”

Major hesitates, but still can’t adjust her critical tone, “Why stop and talk with me when you can have her wrestle you to the ground, bare your buns and give you that needle you love so much?”

Larry’s smile fades and his voice begins to tremble a bit, “I didn’t really know you cared that much for me.”

103

Major realizes she had let her emotions get the best of her. She has been preoccupied with thoughts of Len, the young man who'd been brought into O.T. Medical whom she thought could possibly be Len, and now she is disturbed with this possible drug obsession of Larry’s. He seems to love to get shots, and seems discontent until Nitro pumps him full of medication. Major can’t handle all this drug addiction; especially with those she cares about. She is aware that she has included Larry in those emotions, but she isn’t about to admit it.

But Larry continues to fish for a response, “I thought you just held idle gossip with the clientele ...I never really knew you cared that much. You care about me in a special way, don’t you?”

Major forces a smile, “Who said that?”

“I told you, I’m an expert on human behavior. You wouldn’t have got so tense there if you didn’t care. You didn’t fire on those other guys ...just me. And to ease your mind, I detest that stuff as much as you do.”

Major settles her emotions. The hidden tension gone, she questions with interest, “Then why were you watching it?”

“You were watching it too. You made that one comment about Superman. I was only there making negative comments too.” Larry continues his defense, “I always leave when they watch the female boxing. They become so much like animals ...they can’t even hear my negative comments.”

Major is relieved. She doesn't know why. Why would she be shocked to discover a madness within Larry …to discover that locked deep inside he is just like the rest ...and it would only take a certain set of conditions to get him keyed up enough to start acting like them?

104

That is frightening! She can not be sure about Larry. Larry seems to love to wrestle with Nitro. Why is he so obsessed with her?

Major doesn’t really want to get into any personal discussion like that. She wishes she could have avoided snapping at Larry like she had. She had been anxious to see him. She wanted to tell him about the young man who the emergency medical team rushed past her earlier in the day, in hopes that Larry may have some knowledge to share on the subject of drugs. But now she had probably ruined her chance to talk with him. She continues mopping.

Larry watches her mop the floor, “They’re a bunch of slobs aren’t they? Of course, you have to excuse that. They are here because they are mentally ill.” Larry wants a response from Major ...any response. “Not to change the subject, but you can certainly tell when Nitro Nurse is on duty.”

Major is pleased that Larry is still in the mood for conversation, “How’s that?”

“They always go overboard on the junk food when Nitro is on duty.”

That’s the same observation she had made. Major laughs, in a kidding way, “I guess it's true."

"What's true?" "That you are an expert on human behavior.”

Larry is still slightly on the defense from before. He can’t tell to which degree she is kidding, “I’m not an ostrich that keeps its head buried beneath the ground.”

105

Larry pauses, and appears to wander off in thought, expressing his thoughts aloud, “Though there is much going on in the underground. Our society is sick. And I’m not talking about the type of sick that has brought most of the clientele here. These people are excusable. Some are organic and are that way from birth. Some have had an accident and suffered brain damage. Some have a brain tumor and have suffered seizures. Some have snapped because somehow they couldn’t handle a traumatic emotional experience. The major psychoses, such as schizophrenia and the wide range of manic-depressive behaviors are many times a mystery. There may be no definite known cause; only speculation.”

Larry is a mystery. Major can’t even begin to speculate what is wrong with him ...she hasn’t a
clue. She only knows that often when people talk as if they know everything, they feel insecure about what they don’t know. All they know is that you are being a friend and listening. And they talk on and on, pretending to know everything, in desperate hope that you will stay interested ...when in reality, you are bored out of your mind.

Major laughs to herself. She has been worried that Larry may not talk, after how critical she had been. Boy, is she wrong …and this is probably only the tip of the iceberg! Larry can really talk. She doesn’t know if he knows what he's talking about, but she is desperate for answers. At this point, she'll listen to anyone. So she just smiles and listens.

106

“Like Mason here, he reportedly had nothing wrong with him. He was married and raised a family. Then one day shortly after his wife’s death, he called the police and told them that someone was stealing his chimney. He was afraid to go outside and look, but he could hear someone on his roof and was sure it was the chimney thief again. The police showed up and said they saw no one on his roof and his chimney appeared fine. He told the police they had to go up on the roof because this person was very slick. This chimney thief wore camouflaged clothing to look like roof shingles and was removing one brick at a time; and replacing each brick he took with a piece of cardboard. The police felt Mason was a few bricks short himself and notified the family. They had Mason committed ...that’s not his real name, I just call him that.”

Major raises her eyebrows and shakes her head. She can’t help but smile.

Larry is not smiling. He keeps right on talking, “Mason has an extreme case of paranoia. He doesn’t trust anyone. Not a bad attitude to have in the world out there, but he took it to the extreme. They don’t know what caused his sudden psychotic condition ...some sort of disease of the brain probably. In his case, it’s not expected to be drug related. Though many young people have high risk with that. Drugs just tear apart the very soul of a person. And sex and violence go hand-in-hand with drugs most of the time. Sex and violence are a real wicked combination. And when guys watch those women boxing and wrestling, they more than borderline on entertaining those thoughts. I hate those videos as much as you do.”

107

Major had never seen Larry so serious. And he certainly had no problem expressing himself ...truth or not. It appears Larry is still bothered by her earlier comments, but she wants to stay off the subject of the videos. She wants to concentrate on what he said about drugs, “Why would you say that young people have a higher risk with drugs than older people?”

Larry doesn’t hesitate, “I guess it would be a fairly broad statement to say it’s their lack of security ...poor self-esteem ...inherent poor judgment. A child or teenager who has insufficient direction at home, who yearns for direction and acceptance, and finds it in a peer group. The peer group leads. The misdirected follows. Most are very good kids, but trapped by a bad drug. Who they become is no longer who they used to be. I guess then you can say they aren’t good anymore. Am I making any sense here?”

Major doesn’t really know if it makes any sense, but she knows it makes the hurt inside more real. At least it makes more sense than his story of Mason. Major finds it difficult to speak, “You’re doing okay ...go on.”

“It’s difficult to generalize. Every circumstance can be different. Let me present it to you this way. Statistics can sometimes be outdated by the time they are compiled and presented, but the last figures I saw on substance abuse listed alcohol as the number one culprit. I don’t believe those figures have really changed much over the years. Alcohol is usually twice as common a problem as any other substance abuser among minors. And the majority of those minors come from a home where a family member is alcohol dependent."

108

This is difficult for Major to hear, but she continues to listen. "They are surrounded by continuous examples of poor judgment. And most likely these minors come from a home where a death or divorce has taken place. That not only gives them a lack of security, but when they feel the divorce was partly their fault, it gives them insufferable pain. They carry the guilt with them like a ball-and-chain. The continuous burden erodes their spirit ...and dashes whatever hopes and dreams that previously existed. Then a shell of a person merely exists. These persons are beyond low self—esteem. They have no esteem left ...not for themselves, not for others. They don’t care because they have become completely desensitized. With this sense of intense hopelessness, they can also get into other drugs, bringing about abuse in ways beyond what you could imagine. The demand for these drugs is high ...they demand your life, and that of society.”

Major thinks of her own family. Her mom had died and her dad became an alcoholic. After that her dad left home. Talk about your classic substance abuse risk family. Her brother Len tried to restore security to the family unit the best he could. And he did a fair job ...for his sister and brother. But for himself, he was not doing too well. He expected too much of himself and took on more responsibilities than anyone should have to handle. And Len hadn’t been able to handle it. Len had gotten addicted to drugs. She has some ideas why, but she still cries to herself, “Why?”

She asks Larry, “You say alcohol is number one on the list. What are some of the other substances abused by these young offenders?”

109

“The last I saw, the stats had marijuana second on the list, followed by cocaine. Alcohol will probably stay number one. But it’s not the number one problem. While alcohol restricts legal use to adults only, those other drugs are illegal at any age and adults are just as guilty as minors. I guess society is making a statement here, though I believe it’s a poor one. They say that alcohol is okay for adults, but not those underage. Is there any real age for abuse? When a kid sees a parent abusing himself with alcohol, what is stopping the kid from abusing himself, possibly with much more dangerous drugs? So alcohol may be the start, but it’s not the biggest problem. There are many more life-threatening drugs that necessitate our immediate attention.”

Major had seen her dad almost in a continuous drunken state after mom died. He used to take his violence out on Len. Len was the oldest and obviously was trying to take on the adult role where dad had failed. That made him a threat to dad. Len was trying to get close to dad, but that only brought on more of the guilt dad felt for his own failures. He always told Len that he would never amount to anything. If he were around today he’d probably say, “I told you so.” But Major doesn’t want Larry to know anything about her family.

She has to keep her questions basic. “When I was at my other job this morning, a guy came in who was in real bad shape. He was on drugs. I don’t know what type.”

110

“Could be anything ...LSD, mescaline, THC, PCP, DMT, MDA, PMA, peyote, psilocybin, STP, opium, morphine, heroin, coke ...the list goes on. And when I say STP, heroin, and coke—-I don’t mean the petrol used in cars, a woman of heroic achievements, and the number one soft-drink.”

Major raises her eyebrows, “I know that much! If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were insulting my intelligence. But the truth is, I try to stay away from drugs and the ones who use them.”

“I never meant to insult your intelligence ...or your work, but it looks like you mopped that spill enough times already.”

Major had been so preoccupied with her thoughts that she hadn’t noticed, “I guess I should move on to the other hall shouldn’t I?”

“I guess I should move on too. I have to do something. But if you don’t mind having me around, I'll be back after I’m through.”

“No, I don’t mind, I might need you to interrupt me again ...if I get into another one of those holding patterns with the mop.”

“Major Mop coming in. Clear the runway.”

As they part, Larry and Major exchange a smile. It is the first time she actually smiled today. It is not much, but she feels a slight comfort in talking with someone who seems to understand her and what she feels. She hasn’t had that since Darin died. But it isn’t Darin who she is concerned about now ...the book has been closed on that life. But there is another life that is very near to her that she hopes is not on the final chapter. That life is that of her brother Len.

111

Major never received any warnings from Len to stay away from alcohol. But there was no need for concern in that area. She has hatred enough towards that dreaded bottle to last a lifetime. The bottle had become dad’s best companion. The only time Major had touched a bottle was to trash the empties that cluttered her living environment. She had seen the ugly effects of alcohol. She would never touch the stuff. And she knew drugs could be worse.

She can’t imagine how things could be worse than when her dad used to drink, but she had believed Len when he said they could. She’d never get near drugs.

Major knew what effect drinking could have on a person because she had seen her dad in action. She knew Len drank and occasionally smoked pot, but she didn’t know what effect it was having on him. It hadn’t occurred to her that Len had the potential for being led into other drugs. He had always warned her of them. It seemed inconsistent to think he was involved with something he consistently warned her about.

Major feels she should have been more perceptive. She should have realized the reason why her brother was so stern with his warnings. It was because he was experiencing the dread. And he was probably both drinking and doing drugs. Len had warned her how many times more dangerous it was to mix drugs ...and he probably knew all too well how dangerous.

112

Major recalls when Len drank only occasionally. Their dad got Len started. It had begun as a sort of comradery between father and son. They both seemed to need that more after mom died. But what seemed to bring them together for the time, later seemed to pull them apart.

Major hadn’t really felt the support at home. And she didn't fit in at school either. To her, that was merely social degradation. After mom died, Major spent much of her time at the sound shop. Darin worked at the sound shop and he was more than happy to let her practice on the drums there. He told her she had a real talent and also helped her drum up business.

Darin wasn’t into any of the clique stuff. He was a loner. He liked to paint in his spare time. He was into art and the appreciation of the world around him. Major knew a different world, but as time went on she became a part of his world. And they formed their own little world together.

Darin was more susceptible than Major to the social struggles that went on at school, but Major wouldn’t allow that to disrupt their little world. She was aware of the social wars, but chose not to be a part of that ...and she knew enough to know that she didn’t want to know anymore.

Major wasn’t used to the social competitiveness. Her brothers never seemed interested in that sort of thing and neither did she. The scene that was predominant at school never seemed important to Len. He went with an after-school crowd.

After dad left, Len dropped out of school and got a job. Len always studied hard and got good grades in school. He wanted his sister and brother to do the same. But he felt he had to quit school to provide for them.

113

Len didn’t really fit in with the people at work. For the most part, he found the same wars that had been waging at school. Bitter battles were fought to gain acceptance, popularity, and position in the social status ...all adding up to higher wages. Much was determined by monetary means.

In school, if you didn’t have money you could still assume your role in various other ways. Most any guy could join the “in” crowd by expressing various forms of loyalty to that group. You could, in essence, work for a position in that group by being a follower. It was more difficult for the girls. But a beautiful girl had it made. She could rise up or leap across that chasm from the poor to the prestigious.

Major always thought these school games and game players would have a rude awakening once they faced the real world out there …going their separate ways from the schoolyard into adulthood. But Major began to see she was wrong. Was Len falling into a wasteland, simply because he had refused to be a part of those seemingly fertile grounds?

Major begins to read those psychology magazines and books in the hospital library during her lunch break. Larry had recommended some of them to her. His claim was that it may help increase her understanding of the complexities of the field and give her insight into many of the problems of the clientele at the hospital. And Larry is right. She does find that though the terminology seems complex, the problems are easy to identify.

114

The problems are not unlike those she has encountered in her own life. One article that she had read recently discussed what appeared to be an adult version of the same game she had experienced at school. The difference is that the social games that took place at school were child’s play compared to the wars fought in the adult battlefield.

Into adulthood, the battle rages on. Major had looked at the kids at school as just that, a bunch of kids who hadn’t grown up yet. But now she feels different towards them. Larry had tried to put it simply. He explained that the patterns developed in childhood and later on in school are the same patterns, inclusive of choices and judgments, that are made later in life. And many of these school kids will never grow up. But they are still the next generation and will become those who will lead our world ...into the future.

Those who have not already sacrificed true friendships for personal gain, will most likely be given another chance to do so. Major feels anger and growing hatred towards them. The war will become intense and the weapons more sophisticated. They will recruit soldiers to fight their war for them. Those who follow will benefit. Those who do not, will not. Those outwardly opposed will suffer.
Their own ends justify whatever means they use to maintain their status. Those with a higher ranking position in the social structure will most likely maintain that status. Manifold symbiotic relationships develop of a sick and deceitful sort. Inside each, they privately wish they were alone ...on top.

115

They are highly organized. It is their business. They find comfort in numbers, but as their business becomes more powerful, the fear that something may threaten that power or challenge it is a fear that eats away at their very soul. They will risk human lives to enhance theirs. They are willing to sacrifice almost anything and anybody to fuel that bitter appetite.

As they continue on in that vein, one conquest leads to another. It becomes an obsession. Nothing is sacred. Battlelines are drawn. Rules are set down in the absence of justice. Rules are meant to be broken ...unless the rules are their rules. They have their own ideas of justice. And they will entertain any business that will profit them, stopping at nothing to protect that business interest.

Major can’t handle the fact that someone is profiting from what her brother is going through. She is too busy thinking about Len to think of the price she is paying with her own pain and torment. All she can think about is that she has to find Len. If she can’t find him, she has to find someone who knows the streets.

Walking the streets is a risk. Working the streets is a bigger risk. The person who sells drugs to Len is taking a big risk. But most of the time the risk is taken by a juvenile, and juveniles have the protection of the courts. Therefore, teenagers have less risk of punishment. The greatest risk they take is if they disappoint those they work for ...after all, they can easily be disposed of.

116

There is no true justice. But the supreme injustice is what they are doing to themselves. Those who have joined forces and enlisted their minds in this social battle are in truth their own greatest enemies. They are losing the war within themselves. They have chosen to abandon their feelings ...possibly because they themselves have been abandoned or betrayed somewhere along the line; but when will this domino effect end? ...after all the pieces have fallen?

Possibly they are groomed for this through the years. They are given the impression that one’s accomplishments have more to do with the fulfillment of self-serving goals than the broader ones that serve the general welfare of society.

What is stressed is that you are number one. The whole concept is sugar-coated to appear like it is okay to think of yourself first, primarily and often exclusively, regardless of the effect upon others. They have to look out for themselves. It is “look out for number one” ...and the rest, just plain “look out”.

Striving to achieve total independence, these self-serving people will eventually abandon their sensitivity. And in essence, they will abandon what truly makes them human.

They have a deep-rooted problem they hide behind. Avoidance and denial is their mode of survival. Their problems are tucked neatly away behind layers of denial. Eventually they won’t even know what it is that they are denying. All they know is that if they don’t live the way they are living, they will be denying themselves rewards, self-gratification, and provisions for personal fulfillment.

117

But their type of fulfillment is false and temporary, therefore the constant need for more. The problem lies in the fact that if there is more of one thing, then there is always less of something else. This doesn’t affect one person ...usually many will pay as the few look to benefit. And they benefit at the expense of many. At the expense of people like …Len.

Major tosses all those thoughts aside. How is understanding all this going to help Len? She can’t even find him. She only finds herself with books and magazines, and all this talk from Larry that seems so enlightening.

Does Larry sound just like these books and magazines, or does what she had been reading sound like Crazy Larry? Major feels she is beginning to sound like a combination of the two.
Is she accumulating knowledge or is it a bunch of terms and jargon designed to try to explain and make excuses for life as we know it? Is all this knowledge actually knowledge or an elaborate effort to be understood and to understand life?

Is she better off to just simply accept that there is good and evil, and that is that; or is she to understand it to prepare herself to deal with it? Or is it an exercise of sound judgment and wisdom to choose to just avoid all the bad, and not try to understand it?

Well, as much as she's tried, Major can’t avoid this. A human life is involved ...that of her brother.

Enough questions. It is time for action.

First of all, she has to find out if the young man in the hospital is Len. But she can't just go up to the nurses and say, “Pardon me, but could you please tell me the room number of the young man who came in by ambulance yesterday? I think he’s my brother.”

118

She will have to go in early tomorrow and try to somehow get a look for herself.

“Hey Major, you still with us?”

The voice of Larry startles her. Larry has returned from doing whatever it was he had to do.

“Yeah, I’m still here.”

“Well the rest of us won’t be if you keep creating that water hazard.”

Major looks about her. There is soapy water all over the floor and it is beginning to run down the hallway towards the nursing station. “I guess I wasn’t watching what I was doing. Haven’t had much sleep lately.” Major yawns, “Good thing you came along. I’d better head off the flow before I cause some waves here.”

“That’s okay, Nitro causes enough waves herself. And a little soap and water wouldn’t hurt most of the patients here anyway.”

Major wrings out her mop and begins to stem the tide. She observes, “Funny the way the water begins to flow in that direction. This building must be built quite a bit off level.”

“Maybe, but have you also noticed that the people in the building are a little off too?”

“Sounds like you’re a little down on everyone tonight." Larry decides to change the subject, handing Major a magazine. “Here, I thought you may want to read this.”

Major has had her fill of magazines, but wants to appear interested for Larry’s sake. She accepts the magazine, “Seventeen? How old do you think I am?”

119

Larry smiles. He doesn’t know her age, but the thought that he may find out interests him. He figures he’d better guess young so she won’t feel insulted. The concept is stupid, but most women are intimidated by age. He believes that women become distinguished with age the same as men, though most of these women don’t look at themselves that way. On the other hand, he figures that she may be in her late teens and working here as an after-school job ...teenagers often flattered if you say they look older. But she would have to be crazy to be working so much, and such late hours for being in school, so she must be older. It's safer guessing young, so after contemplating, “I figure you are about seventeen.”

"No, I’m a legal adult. But if you think I’m going to tell you my age, forget it. And besides, if I were seventeen, I still wouldn’t be reading this magazine.” Major hands the magazine back to Larry, immediately wishing she hadn’t. But it is too late. She has no intentions to hurt him, especially since he is just trying to be thoughtful. She should have accepted the magazine and not said anything.

“Sorry, I forgot you’re a well-established reader now.”

They both laugh.

Major is relieved that she hasn’t appeared to hurt Larry’s feelings, “I do appreciate the compliment on my age, but it’s the early teens that read that magazine.”

120

“You’re right. It's part of the psychology they use to cater to girls in their early teens. It’s the strategy that is based on the fact that most early teenagers are struggling and trying to be accepted as young adults. This concept scares most parents, so their kids are hit with a barrage of: You aren’t old enough to stay out late. You aren’t old enough to drive. You aren’t old enough to date.”

“They want to be at an age where they are old enough to gain some respect and be given some of the privileges of adults, but not where they are given any burdensome responsibilities.”

“And seventeen is that age.”

Major thinks about that. What happens when you reach that age you wish to be? You still hear the "you aren't old enough" speech. Not old enough to drink. Not old enough to smoke. Not old enough to be considering sex. The “not old enough” speech is a stupid way to address those subjects.

Larry is in deep thought, “They should be told the hazards that go along with those things regardless of age.”

Larry seems to be on the same wavelength as her. Maybe there is nothing wrong with Larry after all. No, she doesn’t believe that.

Major has the water hazard almost under control. As she passes the lounge, she happens to glance in. The clientele are watching a video on female wrestling. Major quickly mops up the water to move past the lounge.

She can’t help her expression of disgust, “And another problem is this ...television. The characters are carefree, not responsible adults. There’s a lot of drinking and a lot of sex. That’s television's depiction of reality and a lot of teens fall for that.”

121

“You’ve been reading those magazines I gave you, haven’t you? There’s an article in this issue of Seventeen magazine that talks about the 'Spectator Generation'. A couple articles are written from the unique perspective of a pastor's son. Perhaps you'd be interested in the topics he chose to write about." Again he offers the magazine to her. This time she accepts it, “Okay, I’ll give the magazine a chance.”

“That’s the whole focus of the magazine …that at seventeen, these are the ‘in’ things to do. Many teens are successfully taking on adult roles and practices. It sort of offsets much of the negative influences out there. I'm not saying I agree with every article, but it does make some good honest efforts.” Larry pauses for only a moment, “I bought that magazine about a year ago. I think the articles are interesting. The articles are still up-to-date as far as the cults and drug scene go ...sadly enough. You can have the magazine if you want. I sort of look silly carrying it around.”

Major thinks it will make her look silly too, but she smiles anyway, “Thanks.”

“There’s another magazine called Sassy.”

Here we go again, is Major's thoughts on the issue. She decides to amuse him, “Another title to grab the attention of teens, aimed at that tinge of rebellious nature, no doubt.”
Larry smiles, “Do I trace a tinge of sarcasm there? You are becoming worse than me. What have I done?”

Major counters with the appropriate accent, “You’ve created a mon--ster.”

122

They both laugh, but as Larry continues to smile, Major quickly fades into deep thought. Larry picks up on it immediately, “You still thinking about that young man who was rushed to the hospital?"

Major refocuses, centering in on what Larry has asked. She looks into his eyes, “How did you know what I was thinking?”

“I'm a man in tune with emotions.”

Larry is right. Major’s emotions are reaching out to the young man. And she is troubled about Len too. She is looking for answers. Maybe there aren’t any answers ...and she doesn’t really expect any, but the question keeps burning inside. She doesn’t realize her voice cries aloud, "What kind of person ..."

Larry finishes the sentence for her, "...would sell drugs?"

Larry continues as if he is certain that is her question, “The psychologist would love that type of question. But one of the problems of psychology is that it is often used to explain human behavior, giving reasons why a person is like he is. But it fails in trying to prevent those same behaviors. It deals more with understanding and rehabilitation than prevention. Though they do work heavily to prevent further damage. Personally, I don’t like to think I use psychology. That’s what they use against me here. I'd rather be considered a friend who is in tune with what is going on.”

Why all this emphasis on psychology magazines then? And what does he mean by being in tune? Major has to ask, “Are you into mind-reading or channeling ...stuff like that?”

123

“No, I don’t even like fortune cookies. I just know human behavior. If you look with compassion towards another person it helps in understanding that person. I've had to survive a wide range of experiences and sometimes suffer intense emotions. Some people misinterpret that as schizophrenia.” Larry laughs. “I didn’t mean to freak you out and lead you to think I could read your mind.”

Major laughs, “You didn't! I know you can't read my mind. You can't even be certain what my age is.”

“Well, I do have it mostly figured out. You had mentioned being at another job this morning, so I figure you must be out of school if you’re working two jobs. But I don’t want to jump to conclusions. It is Saturday, and maybe you only work that other job on weekends, so you could still possibly go to school during the week. But you work here seven days a week and that would be crazy, even if you only worked that other job on weekends. And you did say you were a legal adult, so you are at least eighteen. But you could have just turned eighteen and be in your senior year of school. But you’d be crazy to be working this much. Then again, you could have dropped out of school. That would still make it possible that you are eighteen, but I think that’s crazy. You should never drop out of school. So I’m guessing nineteen.”

Major forces a smile, “Why nineteen?”

“I’m guessing you just graduated from high school and want to take a year off to earn enough money to go to college. College is so expensive. You are working two jobs until you have enough to attend next year.”

124

Major wishes Larry was right, but he isn’t. She forces a laugh, “You ever aspire to becoming a detective?"

"You’re still not going to tell me your age, are you?"

Major answers matter-of-factly, “No.”

“Okay, so back to detective work ...you were thinking about that young man. And you are wondering what kind of person would be so inhumane as to make a living while, as a result, others struggle with death.” Larry pauses, “I’ll play the role of the psychologist.”

If Major had not been so distracted with her thoughts she could have easily guessed he would approach it this way. Larry seems to like to take the role of the psychologist. How could he claim otherwise? Major feels like laughing, but she is too close to crying. She is overwhelmed with thoughts of what Larry had said about struggling with death. Had the drug business taken another victim? Had death already claimed the poor young man ...Len?

Larry begins his verbal dissertation, “We would assume that those who have strict morals would not be involved with drugs on any level. If they believe that strongly that drugs are wrong, then you’d think they’d not be involved with them. That isn't always the case. But if they do get involved in drugs, it is usually only as a user. That’s where the different levels of drug involvement come into play. There's always a buyer and a seller. And there are different levels within that too. A buyer can also be a seller.”

125

Major tries to conquer her pain. She listens, but it is not easy. This sounds like kindergarten class.
“The lowest level of selling is someone who buys drugs to share with friends. The person is basically a user who sells drugs to his friends. Then there is the neighborhood distributor. In the case of crack cocaine, a house may be set up in a neighborhood and it is called a crack house. Then there is the local distributor who sells to each crack house. And that local distributor can buy from a larger regional distributor or from connections he has at certain drop points. If it sounds like a business, it is. It’s much like a huge corporation with international connections. But it cannot be government controlled because it is not a visible corporation. The business is usually run by highly sophisticated organized crime. And it operates like an out-of-control virus, breaking down any barrier or competitive business, inclusive of our law and justice system. They often control the judicial system because they have people working for them in the courts and in the government, passing legislation to protect their interests.”

This is no longer kindergarten. Major wants to find hope in Larry’s message, but it is difficult. His words are certainly not encouraging ...only encouraging a huge headache.

126

“Not that many years from now, you'll see the problems that computers will solve and the problems that computers will create. Everyone will have a computer to competitively participate in the business world. Computer geeks will help businesses flourish, but there will be those who compete on the dark side. They will create a type of computer virus that can silently tear down and bring destruction and confusion to a world committed to technological advancement at any cost. And the cost will be great. The only solution they will offer is through technological improvement. But as we sell out to other countries, their response will not be that of honor and respect. And as we lose our identity through them, we will eventually be so enveloped in the fear of losing it, that we will reach out and embrace absurdity in the attempt to gain it back."

Major feels Larry is losing it and may never gain it back. Thinking futuristically is okay, but there is too much paranoia working as an active influence in most of his conversation. For the early 70's, much techno-talk is a big part of everyday conversation, but Major feels she is not in that world. She is not up-to-date on any of this technological stuff. A computer virus? Larry must have heard something on the news and let his imagination run wild.

"When things get out-of-hand, what do you think will be the answer to all the problems? Well, safety and security has always been one of our most sought after values. But to fix that which has already been done, is to address the issue of crime, inclusive of violence and fraud. To guard against these things, a national identification system might be a future consideration."

"Sort of like a social security number?"

127

Larry laughs, "Don't insult my intelligence here! I'm talking about a National I.D. card that would help keep tabs on everyone. It would isolate the criminals and be able to identify who they are. You would need the card for banking, purchasing any goods, or even to own and drive a car."

It is Major's time to laugh, but she guards her own comments and how she presents them. "You are talking about an identification system like they have for dogs. The people would never allow it?"

"Dogs don't drive cars or purchase goods. And they do barking, not banking. But I guess they can be considered criminals if they are involved in destruction of property or steal the bone from the neighbor's dog."

They both laugh. But as Major laughs, she considers what Larry had said. He sounds more like a news documentary now than a psychologist. Actually, he's sounding more like …Crazy Larry.

Major recalls Larry’s story about Mason ...of how he suffered from a severe case of paranoia. Major can’t see how this is much different.

"That’s why drugs have flourished in our nation. Along with the inability to track them, a ready market is created for them as a result of our failing economy. The economy is such that there is an increase in unemployment and the inability of the poor to live within a society that does not supply adequately for them. Though the use of drugs may not be limited to the poor alone, most of the local violence and robbery is done by a group of users who are desperately trapped within their addiction. The majority of the drug business is centered on the poor and as unemployment increases, their drug business flourishes."

128

Major’s head really hurts. This is more than she had bargained for. Larry is really getting carried away here. She doesn’t really think Larry is that crazy, but at times like this she wonders.

Major leans heavily upon her mop handle. Her head begins to spin, whirling with thoughts and images:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men,
Couldn’t put Larry together again.
Poor Larry ...poor Len. Poor me.

Larry observes that he is losing Major here. He realizes it is all one-sided ...only him talking, so he shifts the conversation, “Do you have any questions about what I have said, or did I bury you?”

“No, go ahead. I find it very interesting.” Interesting, but not believable. Major tries to be kind and doesn’t voice her real opinion.

“You can count on me as a person of my word, And I know I didn’t answer the question about the type of person who would be involved here, but I will.”

Major is sure he will. She can count on it.

Larry takes a deep breath, “I hate categorizing people, but I will place them into four groups: those who grew up with the correct balance of love and discipline; those who had love with inconsistent discipline; those who had discipline with inconsistent love; and those of inconsistent love and inconsistent discipline."

129

Major wonders what category Larry would place himself in. She continues to listen. Perhaps Larry will reveal that piece of information.

"We know that love and discipline can be fairly vague terms, but when I say inconsistent discipline, it can include various degrees of discipline, including total lack of discipline. And with love, a person can actually show great degrees of love, but without the right balance of discipline it can be a love prone to create problems. Likewise, discipline without love can be a detrimental approach. A parent can love their child, but if they are too permissive it is no good. Some single parent homes can be very good homes, but it’s hard to discipline what you can’t supervise. When you are not there to see it, because you have to be at work to pay the bills, then even an attempt at parenting during that limited time may not be enough. A child who is loved with inconsistent discipline could end up selling drugs. I’ve heard over and over that response of a parent who believes their child is innocent.”

Larry imitates the poor mother’s voice, “To me, he’s just like any child, but he’s special ...he’s my child. He’s not perfect, but he’s a good kid. He always knows the right things to say to make me laugh. When I’ve had a rough day at work, he makes me feel like none of that matters. He’s all that matters. I don’t know what he does when I’m gone to work, but it’s probably the same things any other kid is doing. He was the sweetest thing when he was a little boy. You try to teach them the right things. He’s basically a good boy.”

130

Larry changes back to his own voice, “A kid who is disciplined but has inconsistent love, will search for love and acceptance; and may come to strongly resent the discipline. The chance of him becoming a member of a street gang is even stronger than the previous example. They long to belong. And as they look for acceptance, not only do the gangs provide identity, but also a sense of belonging like they never had. They have a goal in life finally. But who is their target if they get into difficulty? The law often doesn’t get in their way. The courts actually protect many of them. So there’s no discipline even on that level. But the group that has the greatest risk of getting heavily involved with drugs are those who are not loved, nor disciplined with any amount of consistency."

Major wonders if this is the category Larry fits into. In some ways he seems to resent discipline, but in other ways he seems in favor of a disciplined life. His conversation appears to be the result of disciplined knowledge and learning.

"If what the parent wants has been affected, only then does the discipline come. "I don’t care as long as it doesn’t affect me", is the recurring attitude. And there’s a tendency for the child to think the same way. They are the high risk group. They may not have any consideration for the law, nor remorse for those they tread upon. A monster is created. They take the biggest chances in dealing drugs at the distribution level and are also used as enforcers. Potentially, any one of these three categories of people can someday be led into selling drugs.”

131

Major feels the tension. She presses her fingertips against her temples. She thinks back of her own home and the degree of love and discipline that had been found there. But she knows there is more to it than that. She knows she’ll never get involved with drugs. It is clear what alcohol and drugs had done to her family, and she hates it. The tendency to fall the way of those who fell before you, is a tendency that Major will never understand.

“The fourth category is the one with the correct balance of love and discipline, and actually the only true examples of love and discipline. Love is only true when discipline is also present in the correct form. And discipline is only exercised correctly when done out of love. With this correct balance, the child develops a good sense of right and wrong, and begins to make moral judgments for himself. He also begins to exercise self-discipline and not only can distinguish between right and wrong, but what is good for him also. He becomes consistent, confident, and strong-willed. And the chances of him getting involved in things like drugs is much less. But even the best of us have our weak moments. And during those weak moments we may make a mistake. That has been very evident in recent years, even in such areas as T.V. ministries and presidential candidates. If you make a mistake, it can be used against you ...and even if you don’t make a mistake, you can still be framed.”

Major is suffering from a massive headache. What is all this talk accomplishing anyway?

132

“The big picture is ...that where the money is, there is the mob also. You can’t stand in their way within the big picture, but on the local level we can do something. It’s not worth their time to mess with small neighborhoods that seem to stick together. If no one in the area wants to deal with them, then they won’t waste their time in that neighborhood. There are too many other areas where money can be made. The problem is that people don’t even know their neighbors and they consider it none of their business. Our society has learned to condone way too much. We try to understand wrong behavior, even violence ...and excuse away that behavior by sympathizing with their circumstances.”

Major doesn’t understand Larry’s transitional thought, but he obviously has much on his mind. Major sympathizes with Larry having to be in a place like this. The hours must seem endless ...as does this conversation.

“Or we are afraid to judge anyone. We are experts at justifying any act that we would otherwise deem as unacceptable. We have a loophole for every uncomfortable situation. We rationalize our way through life. And we do it with every superficial breath. Those who are truly a detriment to society, we let roam free; and they lock up people like me in a mental institution.”

Major feels her headache intensify. She can’t figure Larry out. The way he talks you’d think he hates drugs, but is he somewhat like Len? Does he talk against drugs because of personal experience? She doesn’t want to ask, but it is too late. The words stumble out of her mouth, “Sounds like you hate drugs …so what is it with all these shots?”

133

Larry avoids the real question, “Nitro hasn’t been around much. I haven’t had any shots in a while.”

“What is a while?”

“Two days. She hasn’t been around much in the past couple days.” Larry looks about. They are alone in the hallway. “I see her going up to the fourth floor. She stays up there a long time. I miss her, don’t you?”

Major can’t control her tone, “I still don’t know what you see in her.”

Larry looks deeply into Major’s eyes, “I guess love is blind.”

Major needs to divert the conversation, “By the way, you said these people are here because they are mentally ill. You don’t seem to fit that bill. Why are you here?”

Larry continues to look into Major’s eyes. He smiles, “I’m not ill ...I'm crazy.”

Major can’t help but smile. Then she joins him in laughter. The laughter seems to relieve some tension. She doesn’t notice her headache as much.

She feels good about being there for Larry. She knows Larry appreciates her listening to him. No one else probably ever listened to him ...and probably for good reason. It is quite a lengthy commitment.

134

Larry is like a book. If he were a book, most people would lose interest around the first chapter. He is far from a best-seller. And he hasn’t sold her on everything either. So what is it about Larry that is so interesting? Not something that you can easily read into. He isn’t the type of guy you will like when you first meet him. He usually catches you off guard. But there is an interesting side to Larry. He has a caring attitude. He seems deeply concerned for the general welfare of others. And Major knows Larry cares for her.

She has to admit she enjoys having Larry around. There are times when she really needs to feel as if someone cares. Lately those times are many.

Larry certainly has the need to feel loved. And he seems to know what real caring is about. Major can’t deny she cares about Larry in a special way too ...but this talking of his never ceases.
Larry thinks Major has been listening and continues, "If we decide not to condone these things anymore and we get so fed up that we take matters into our own hands, and try to be our own law ...that’s no good either. That’s the other side of the coin and not …"

Major can’t make any sense of what Larry is saying. Her thoughts wander. Every once in a while she will look up or nod in agreement, but all this analyzing is nerve-wracking.

Major is exhausted, but fortunately the shift has nearly expired too. Quitting time is soon. Had she benefited any by listening to Larry? What was it that Larry had said about inconsistent love and discipline? Had the poor guy been cursed with a life as bleak as that?

135

And how about her own life? Isn’t her life cursed …and Len’s too? They had both come from a home of inconsistencies. No, that was only in recent years. She had been taught right. She had been loved. It wasn’t until after mom’s death that things changed. That was a weak moment in an otherwise stable upbringing.

After mom died, Major had Darin to lean on to get through her rough times. Dad leaned on the bottle. Len had looked to dad for support and found the bottle also. Then when dad left, Len found another killer substitute ...he turned to drugs.

How can Len throw his life away like that? Major almost chokes on her answer. She can’t be too critical of her brother ...when Darin died, she had also found herself at death’s door.

But what good does it do to rationalize here? The excuses just don’t cut it. The bottom line is that she somehow continue to avoid the self-destructive path. But what about Len? He is certain to soon find that dismal end. And she has to find him!

Will she find him selling drugs? No. Len has a weak moment or two and he gets involved in drugs, but that is it. Getting hooked takes just one mistake.

Who is she trying to kid? It’s not just one mistake. The mistake is a whole attitude problem. An attitude that is carried with you. An attitude that is weak and makes you weaker. And that certainly describes her dear brother.

136

Still, she has to believe Len isn’t the type who'd sell drugs. When dad left and she was spending all her time with Darin, Len probably went to his friends for support too. He probably got the drugs from friends.

All this talk of drugs and organized crime personalities is about to drive Major crazy. She knows she had brought up the subject of drugs, but she can’t listen to much more of this. She has to escape all these wild ideas of Crazy Larry’s. They are of no use to her. She has to check with Len’s friends. Someone has to know where to find Len ...and she has to save him.

As Major leaves work, she is stressed. She had brought up the conversation. It wasn't Larry's fault. She has to admit she's grateful for the conversation. Eight hours behind brooms, mops, buffers, vacuums, sponges, and dust cloths …not to mention cleaning windows, sinks, and toilets …can make for a slow shift. But conversation can make it go by quicker. And it often helps prevent a deeper preoccupation with her own miserable life.

Major’s thoughts return to the misery of the young man at OT Hospital. For some reason she continues to have a strong feeling that it is Len who'd been brought in on that stretcher. She finds it increasingly difficult to wait …but must get some sleep. The plan is to go in early tomorrow and check it out.

137

Major barely sleeps at all through the night. Although that is nothing new, somehow last night seemed worse. She had wanted to make sure she got to work early ...but not three hours early.

Major decides to drive around to clear her mind a bit. Surprisingly, she doesn’t feel that tired. She feels driven to find Len.

She drives around for about an hour. It is far from daylight. But instead of clearing her mind, her hopes seem to be as dark as the night.

It is a different world out there from the one she is accustomed to. The world she knows is cruel enough, but not quite as frightening as this. There is more life out there than she had anticipated at this hour ...and she wonders how much death lurks in the shadows.

Major is not alone as she drives the streets. And somehow she feels they are not out there for the same reasons she is ...restless and unable to sleep. At least not the same kind of restless. She fears what deeds they are returning from ...or are soon to perform. Certainly they are not good deeds.

Her stomach is uneasy, her throat dry. Major hopes Len is not out there now. She hopes the young man in the hospital is Len. In a way, that seems more comforting to her ...at least that way she will be convinced he is getting the best possible treatment. That is more comforting than to think he is out here, in an alley somewhere, or helplessly within one of these abandoned buildings.

Major’s hope is abandoning her. She is desperate. She cries out, “Come home Len! I love you!” Her voice trembles as she whispers, “I’ll take care of you.”

But she can only care in her heart. She doesn’t know where he is. She needs hope.

138

Hope at this time will have to come in the form of the young man in the hospital whom she believes has to be Len.

Major arrives at the hospital a couple hours early. No one will think anything of it. No one notices a custodian, anyway.

Major hurries to her closet and prepares her custodial cart. She gets out her dust mop, and begins working her way down the hallway. Then, as chance would have it, she overhears a doctor tell a nurse, “Check on Spider-man in room 301. See if he’s still asleep. And double-check to make sure the straps are secure. I don’t want him to start climbing the walls again.”

Major figures the doctor has to be talking about the young man. She remembers the comic books sprawled all over Len’s bedroom. It has to be Len!

Len must have tripped out on drugs and thought he was Spider-man. Major quickly, but cautiously makes her way to the third floor. She waits until she sees the nurse leave Room 301. Another nurse stops momentarily, advising the other one, “Watch out for that one. Drug addicts are potentially high A.I.D.s victims.”

Major waits until both nurses depart, the first nurse walking into an adjacent room. Then Major works her way down the hallway with her dust mop, slipping into Room 301.

The young man is strapped down securely in four-point restraints. And he is hooked up to some monitoring device with I.V. tubes.

As Major approaches his side, it is obvious he is not her brother.

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Suddenly she feels more helpless than the victim lying there before her. She feels a bleeding inside. All hope has suddenly left her. Len is probably in a much worse condition than this young man. And she is helpless to do anything about it.

Major feels faint. She glances out into the empty blurred hallway. She ducks quickly into the stairwell. She cannot focus, her eyes beginning to well up in tears.

She reaches for the railing and guides herself to the step. She sits there with her head in her hands. She weeps bitterly.

Her tears begin to glisten as they form a small pool on the step beneath her. No one knows of her tears. She always cries in private. At night the tears drench her pillow.

Now, the tears fall in an empty stairwell. She can’t afford to show the tears. She has to take to the stairs to avoid the stares. There is no place for tears on the job. She has to act professional, even if her job is just a custodian.

How ironic ...she will have to mop up her own tears.

Suddenly she realizes she had left her mop in Room 301. She gets up quickly, but has to reach for the railing again as she still feels a bit weak and dizzy. She rubs her sleeve across her face and fights back the tears. The hallway is still empty.

She hurries to Room 301. The mop is against the wall near the bed.

Major freezes. The young man is turning his head back and forth. Perspiration covers his face. The pain has come to life again. The straps seem nearly ready to bust as he turns fitfully from side to side. He is contorting his body. He has already torn the I.V.s loose, but the heart monitor is still attached.

140

Major fears he is having a seizure, when suddenly he freezes as if sensing her presence. Major remains motionless just inside the doorway. Suddenly the young man begins to mumble. His words are painfully spoken, but clear, “I’m sorry, Dad. I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to let you down. Please forgive me, Sis.”

Major gasps for a breath, near choking on her tears. She cries out softly, “I forgive you, Len. I didn’t mean to be so closed up and insensitive. I was selfish ...thinking of only my own hurt. Please forgive me.”

Major finds herself beside his bed. She rests a gentle hand against his cheek and her other hand gently upon his. She remembers the very last conversation between her and her brother. She hadn’t gotten a chance to say how she really feels towards Len.

Major squeezes the young man’s hand, “I love you, Len.”

Major feels something happen then. The young man is gently squeezing her hand in return. Major gently wipes his face with a corner of the sheet. With the perspiration wiped away, she can see a tear gather in the corner of his eye. He chokes on the words, “I’m sorry, sis!”

Major chokes on her tears, “I’m sorry too.”

Major lets all her emotions flow out to the young man. Somehow he has to pull through. He seems to think she is his sister. Maybe that will help him, …knowing he is forgiven, and loved. If this young man can pull through, then perhaps she can believe Len will too ...somewhere, somehow, someone may find themselves by his side, helping him pull through.

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But the pain that simply won’t go away is the destructive thought that Len may be out there with no desire to live. Len may feel he has nothing to live for. His sister loves him, but does he know it?

Major is quite familiar with the feeling of not having any desire to live, but even then she'd felt she still had control ...though in a frighteningly disturbed way.

Major admits how sick that is, to feel in control by defying life and claiming the privilege to end it. But as sick as that is, she feels sicker now.

She has claimed the privilege not to end life. That is her present dedication to life, but what will become of those who have not reconciled to life?

She is in control of her own life, but she is not in control of the life she hopes is out there fighting to stay alive. Len controls his own life. If she only had another chance ...to tell him she loves him.

Olga had given her another chance by kindly interrupting things when they were out of control. Major can only hope that someone will be there to do the same for Len.

Major has been through a lot of grief herself lately, but this is the worst. It’s maddening to care so deeply for someone and not be able to help them. No hurt of her own can match that hurt. She feels completely helpless in this situation ...completely out of control.

Major kisses the young man on the forehead. She pulls away to avoid drenching him in her tears.
She can’t help Len, but she can perhaps help this young man. Maybe someone else out there will be helping Len. Major grasps for hope. At least she has control over the present and she’ll help whoever she can …in whatever way she can.

142

She notices more tears gathering in the slightly sunken recesses beneath the young man’s eyes.

Major whispers in desperation, “Please don’t cry! You’re not alone. I’m here.”

Major loosens a strap to let his hand free. She gently encloses his hand in both of hers and brings the hand up to her cheek. She gently kisses the young man’s hand, “Please don’t cry!”

With the faintest whisper, she speaks to her own heart, “Please don’t cry, Maggie! Oh, Len ...you know Maggie loves you!”

Oh, no! She suddenly senses she and the young man are not alone. She thought she'd heard footsteps between the patterned beeps of the heart monitoring device, but it didn't register in her mind.

“Hey!” The booming voice of a nurse echoes throughout the third floor.

143

                     VII.


The voice of the nurse still echoes through her head as she is escorted to the parking lot by security. And the echoing voice of the hospital administrator firing her from her job. And the voice of the young man begging for love and forgiveness.

As she gets into her car, she can’t forget the young man’s desperate pleas for help. He will probably get the medical help he needs now, but how about the emotional support?

Major thought she had sensed a response. Yes, and he had spoken to her also. He had felt her love. But he had also felt the nurses booming voice as she slapped his hand back into the leather strap.

If the young man recovered, what would prevent him from going down the same cruel road again? Would he get the love and support from his family, or would they allow their own pain to smother their compassion?

On the other hand, the young man may have torn the family apart as the horrid addiction played its course of destruction through its possessed body. And the family may have been pushed beyond its own limits. But after all he did, he obviously felt it was not too late to ask for forgiveness. Hopefully, Len would also realize it was not too late.

No, it's never too late. When the worst has come and we are completely broken in spirit, that’s when it really counts. That’s where we separate everyone else from those who really care. That’s when we show forgiveness.

144

She desperately hopes the young man’s needs will be realized by his family. He needs his family now more than ever. It is truly not her forgiveness he was begging for. The only forgiveness sought by this dying soul was that of his family ...those he knows he has deeply hurt. When you truly love someone, how hard is it to forgive? And if you hurt too much to even realize your love, at least you should be humane enough to forgive your own ...after all, family should count for something.

Is it trust they seek after? After all, a drug addict can’t usually even trust himself. And if he had to do time in prison for things he may have done, it’s not as if he’s asking for a pardon or even an early parole ...he’s asking for forgiveness from his family.

He will pay for the sins society has sentenced him to. He may even need to be locked up for the rest of his life. One who is so unpredictable and resorts to acts of violence is a real danger and should not be at liberty to roam freely throughout society while circumstances again choose chance victims. Yes, he may need to be locked up. But the condition of withheld forgiveness should not be locked up inside him. His family shouldn’t lock him out of their hearts.

Do Major’s thoughts really accurately represent the young man? She does not know him, nor can she fairly imagine what he has been through. No, her thoughts are mostly about Len. She has transferred her emotions to the young man ...but it is Len who dominates her thoughts and fears.

Is Len in jail? No, he can’t be. At least not for any violent crimes. Len isn’t like that. Len is caring, not violent.

145

But, though Major tries to convince herself of all this, she is not being consoled with even her own thoughts. She cannot rationalize this thing through. She is not that naive, nor is she one to play games with her own mind. She admits to herself that Len had not been himself and she realizes the fact that drugs can alter your personality. Drugs can make a person behave like a different person, or not like a person at all.

Jail is not the worst alternative for Len. Maybe he would still be able to get some drugs from within, but at least he wouldn’t be a menace to the rest of society. And if he ended up in a hospital, he would at least be getting some medical help. In either case, as soon as they identified him, they would surely notify family on both accounts. So, most likely Len hasn’t been found yet.

Strangely enough, Major would feel better if Len ended up in a hospital or jail. That way, at least some of the problem would be dealt with, and a harness would be put on the effects of drug addiction. And she could go visit him, trying to put back together whatever pieces were left.

As it is, Len can be out there helplessly trapped within his addiction, possessed with the need to feed it, and worst of all, crying out for love and forgiveness like the young man had been. Maybe that’s all Len needs to defeat this thing ...his sister’s love and support. He already had it, but did he know it?

Major doesn’t know where to find her brother ...how can he know she loves him? And the fact that they had last parted on less than friendly terms, keeps tormenting her. It is simply driving her crazy!

Major drives on down the street. She doesn’t know where to find Len. Why doesn’t Len just come home?

146

A red light reflects off her tears. Her thoughts stop temporarily as she stops at the traffic light. The light reflects green and she turns down a side street.

Her thoughts also take a turn. She needs to gain control again ...she needs to restore hope. She needs to be guarded and wise …while facing this desperation.

Why is it that she assumes Len is in trouble and doing terrible things? Maybe he is conquering this thing on his own.

No, that's rather dumb. Drugs are too big of a problem to think you can conquer it on your own. If you need help, you need more than love ...you need love and some treatment program. And it takes a strong will to weather the storms of hatred and resistance from one unwilling to cooperate with such a program. It takes a love that won’t take no for an answer.

Major decides she will have to find a job to replace the one she was just fired from. The job at the psychiatric hospital will not be enough to pay for Len’s treatment. She will save up her money so she’ll be ready for the moment when Len shows up. A second job is not just to occupy her time …it is necessary for her brother's survival.

Major tries to concentrate on thinking positive. Maybe Len is home right now. He is sure to come back. She shouldn’t have to tell him that she loves him. After all, they are brother and sister. They have been through a lot together and they have helped each other each time ...until a short time ago.

147

But Len will remember the good times ...he will remember all those good years. Len knows who really loves him. And he’ll come home because he loves her too. And they’ll make it through this bad time like they did all the others. They’ll work it out together.

Major desperately needs to believe this. The gears are turning in her mind as she shifts gears and drives home.

Major has a weird feeling Len will be there. He'd said he wasn’t coming back, but he’ll change his mind. After all, he has to miss his sister. She misses him terribly. He has to miss her by now.

A tear gathers to soften her tense eyes. She can think of lots of reasons why Len would want to come home. Maybe he will miss his dog.

Suddenly Major realizes she has neglected Huck the past couple of days. She looks over towards Huck’s doghouse as she pulls up to her house. She doesn’t blame Huck for not wanting to greet her. She has neglected Huck. She'd felt like she was in the doghouse the past couple of days, but that is no excuse for neglect.

Poor Huck. Dogs are such good companions. You can neglect them, but when you want their attention they are there for you every time. No wonder they are considered man’s best friend.

Huck has not complained much. He is a good dog. Len is the one who'd always taken Huck on walks. Len got the friendly bark and the wagging tail. But ever since Len left, Huck hasn't barked much and Major seldom finds time to take him for a walk.

148

A few short weeks ago she had fed Huck routinely before and after work. She had struggled to maintain the routine, but routines are easy when there is some understandable pattern to life, some structure, some control.

Major can’t handle any more changes in her life. Her attempt to pattern everything was an attempt to avoid change at all cost. She is not aware why she was doing that …nor was she aware that she is now failing at it.

She had been in a work pattern ...but the pattern changed when she'd lost her job. That was not a good change. There are some changes she will have to continue to make though. She'll have to become more responsible ...and that includes with Huck too.

Thinking of her own hurt, she had cut back in her routines. Huck would have benefited from a pattern. She hasn’t fed him in two days.

She should have made a few changes before now. She isn’t responsible for the choices Len had made, but she feels she should have been more of a caring sister. And because she fell short of that expectation, she feels partly responsible for Len’s actions.

Major nears Huck’s doghouse, “Hey, Huck ...you want to go for a walk?”

Huck doesn’t come running out, but she can hardly blame him. “Hey, I’m sorry. I know it’s not much, but ...I’ll try to make it up to you, okay?”

It seems sort of strange …sort of like she is rehearsing for when she next sees Len. Maybe he is inside the house. Maybe he is listening. And maybe he’ll even get the message.

149

Suddenly Major realizes why Huck didn’t come when she called. Len had returned home and was out walking Huck. Wishful thinking. The broken chain at her feet led her to believe that wasn’t true. Huck had gone for a walk on his own.

But Len will understand. She’ll go inside and tell Len she is sorry. Huck will come home just like Len ...and they’ll be a happy family again. More wishful thinking.

Major has tears in her eyes as she finds an empty house. Her things are there and Len’s things are just as he had left them …and left her. She had neglected Len and Huck and now they are both gone.

It is all her fault. Major cries until her eyes burn. Then she remembers what Larry had said. He said that the fault rests on the alcohol and drugs and those who let them rule their lives. And when you start blaming yourself, it’s often because those who should assume blame haven’t. And when you begin to neglect others, it’s often because you’ve already somehow neglected yourself.

Major thinks hard about that, “I guess that makes some sense.” Larry often did make some sense, though usually with mixed reviews. Major half chokes, laughing among her tears, “Thanks a lot Larry ...now you’ve convinced me that I’ve not only neglected Len and Huck, but myself too.”

Major realizes at that moment that she has little joy in life, but the little joy she does have seems to be during the time she spends at work with Larry. She has never quite thought of it as joy before, but strangely enough it is thoughts of Crazy Larry that often breaks her tears and turns them into laughter. What can cause that, but some semblance of a happy feeling?

150

A crazy person can switch from tears to laughter or from laughter to tears without apparent reason. That is not exactly a comforting comparison though.

That’s it! She must be going crazy. Even Larry doesn’t switch back and forth like that.

That must be it ...she is finally losing it! How could she ever have mistaken the feeling for happiness?

Because she’s crazy, that’s why. Most crazy people think they are happy. She is finally losing it, and when the cycle is complete she’ll be just like everyone thought she’d be ...a loser.

Maybe when she arrives at work this evening, they'll keep her as an inpatient. Then she can be happy like all the rest of them.

She thinks it over. Maybe they are happy because they don’t cause themselves all that unnecessary stress in their lives. Life is simple for them and they get simple pleasures out of simple things.

But the one person at work who doesn’t seem happy with simple things is Larry. Is it because of something he's missed in life? Larry doesn't seem to miss anything though. He is always talking about how society has missed something in its bid for progress ...how society is going down the tubes.

Maybe that’s the very reason why Major had thought she was happy. Larry is the only person she knows more depressed than herself.

No, that isn’t true either. He is perhaps more depressing to listen to, but a lot of what he says is true and Major has to admit he adds a bit of excitement to life.

151

Maybe part of Major’s problem is that she keeps most of her feelings inside. Larry is always letting his feelings out ...and no one is spared. He has all the clientele scared of him because he has them convinced he is crazier than they are. He has all the personnel on edge, except Nitro, and he always manipulates her.

Major continues to analyze herself. Larry had almost convinced her that he's sane ...at the expense of her almost questioning whether she is not.

Maybe she has to be more like Larry and be aggressive with her attitude towards life. Larry's happiness seems to be in his zest for life. He is in control …except when he tangles with Nitro Nurse. The other clientele only seem happy when Nitro is around ...sort of a mixed feeling of security and fear. But Larry is in control of every situation, it seems.

Major notices the time. She’s late. Better get control of herself and get over to the psychiatric hospital. Can’t afford to lose that job too.

Larry is the first to greet Major once she arrives at work. She warmly greets Larry in return, but he seems to pick up on some underlying tone ...one of near trembling as if she's about to cry.

Major doesn’t cry though. She also senses that Larry sensed something is bothering her, and she senses that he sensed it is best not to even bring up the subject of what is on her mind …otherwise she may burst into tears. And she is trying so hard not to do that. It would be unprofessional to conduct herself that way on the job.

152

It is strange the way Larry and she are beginning to get to know each other. Each of them not only has the ability to sense the other’s mood, but also with the ability to sense that the other senses it ...if that makes any sense.

Major really appreciates Larry sensitivity at this time. One thing she is glad that Larry can’t sense is that she wants to give him a big hug right now. She needs a friend right now, and Larry is the only one she has. She wants to show him how much she appreciates their friendship, but that would also be unprofessional. So Major just carries on as she does every evening.

Larry senses that she doesn’t want to talk about it, but he feels she doesn’t want to be alone either ...so he just follows her around all evening, and tells her one story after another.

It seems like Larry has a story for every mood. He recalls some sad moments when he was very young, and how he felt so alone. His parents were never around because they were so wrapped up in their work or community projects; and he didn’t have any friends.

Major doesn’t know if Larry is telling the truth, but it is his way of saying he knows what it is like to be alone and he feels for her ...however painful the situation.

Major seems to sleep better throughout the night. Maybe it is because of total exhaustion. Maybe it is because she has recommitted herself to the goals she has set up to provide direction in her life. Maybe Larry’s stories make her feel she isn’t as alone as she thought she was.

153

Anyway, Major wakes up revitalized and determined. She has all morning and part of the afternoon to look for another job to supplement her income from the psychiatric hospital. She can easily live at her present standard of living on the one income, but she wants to work two jobs so she can afford to enroll Len in a treatment program when she finds him. She can look for the second job and look for Len at the same time.

This becomes a daily routine for Major, searching for employment and her brother during the day and then working evenings at the psychiatric hospital. She is grateful for the job at the psychiatric hospital because without that, she doesn’t know what she’d do. Besides, the emotional support she is receiving from Larry cannot be measured, especially considering the frame of mind she’s in every day after her unsuccessful attempts at hunting for job and brother.

Major considers finding a job as a drummer, but she can’t find a band that needs one. She can only find work as a backup drummer, and that will not be often enough.

She realizes her dilemma. She will have to start small and work her way up, making a name for herself. But since she hasn’t established a name for herself yet, she’ll have to take what she can get. But she can’t afford to be that flexible. If she says yes to the clubs at night, she’ll have to miss her work at the psychiatric hospital, and that’s the only steady work she has. And if she loses that job and her drumming falls through, she’ll have nothing.

154

Major has always dreamed of becoming a drummer, but her dream will have to wait. She has to deal with this nightmare in her life first. She has to deal with this addiction of Len’s. What good is fulfilling a dream if you lose your loved ones along the way?

Major is a bit early for work, so she drives down a side street, familiarizing herself with the area. She is curious, wondering why a crowd is gathering.

Maybe she'll find Len here. Len is the curious sort. Probably what got him in trouble in the first place. And she doesn’t have to be reminded of what curiosity did to the cat. They say a cat has nine lives, but they didn’t have drugs in mind when they coined that phrase. It is more like flipping a coin. And Major hopes Len is one lucky cat.

Major drives past the crowd. In passing, she is able to obtain a general overview of the type of activity that is going on. People are strange and sometimes gather round for the most disturbing or tragic things, and she wants to avoid being a part of that.

Particularly tragic was the headline just last week ...and a life that possibly could have been saved, had the fire department not had to negotiate a crowd to get to the burning building. She doesn't want to be among the gawkers in an event like that …without sense enough to realize or even care whether they may be in the way of the trained professionals.

Major sees it is not that type of event. She parks, then walks back.

It is an open-air art exhibit.

Major doesn’t like large gatherings, though this crowd seems harmless enough. They are gathered to view art. Art is peace of mind. Art was how Darin had found peace in his life ...at least temporarily.

155

Major feels a slight chill as she approaches this crowd. She doesn’t quite understand the feeling. Perhaps she feels these people hold a certain kinship with Darin ...their perspective being one that appreciates the simple beauty of life. It was a part of Darin that she really loved ...a part of life that she really misses now that he is gone.

Major really longs for that feeling again. She realizes how her heart still aches for Darin. She has tried to leave those feelings behind ...to let go. And she thought she had begun to do that, until she approached this crowd. The feelings came flooding back as if it were yesterday.

Darin had so gently touched her heart ...just as delicately as he had stroked each loving detail to the canvas.

Major allows the crowd to engulf her. Suddenly the peacefulness is disrupted. Her eyes fall upon one painting after another. This is not art ...this is tragedy. This certainly is not the peacefulness that Darin had captured on canvas.

Major does not feel secure here. In a way, she'd been taken prisoner to the feelings that leap out from these canvases. The feelings here do not release tension, they create a strangle-hold.

Major needs more air. She needs to get out of here. Her own life is too much like these paintings. She needs to be free from all this.

She will not be like these other gawkers, soon to be consumed by their dreaded emotions. What is wrong with these people? Have they become cold and callous? Do they get some sick thrill out of pain and suffering? Or do they identify with it because suffering is a part of their life?

156

Tragedy is a part of Major’s life, but she doesn’t seek out this familiar ground. She doesn’t know what possesses or obsesses these people to be drawn here, but whatever it is, it has the opposite effect upon her.

Panic is setting in. She has to leave. She isn’t going to let the crowd and these paintings consume her.

Major dodges her way around a couple of people, but not without incident. She bumps into a painting, and has to catch it as the easel topples over. She quickly picks up the easel and is about to replace the painting when a man grabs her by the back of the arm.

“You want to buy this painting?’

Major silently screams. She wants to throw the painting into the air and run as fast as she can, but she freezes instead. She keeps a strong grip on herself. She doesn’t want to panic.

As she steadies the painting on its easel, something about the painting strikes her. She stares at the painting wondering what it is. It is much like the rest of the paintings, though with a slightly more reserved quality. It is not Darin’s style of capturing the beauty of life. Like all the rest of the paintings here, it captures the darker side. But while the other paintings are bold and slashing, with a sort of graphic horror that keeps on haunting you, this particular painting seems to be more reserved, with a type of loneliness that exudes compassion.

There is much hurt and pain as in the other paintings, but this one has a hidden compassion. There is more to this painting than just being different from the rest though. And Major can’t quite put her finger on the answer to what that is.

157

Major looks at the other paintings around her. They express a different realm of suffering, beyond compassion. They are pure agony.

Personification is a heavy tool. One painting is of a candle screaming out in hopeless agony with its tears falling downward, unable to extinguish the fire that is consuming it. Even worse is a painting of a jack-o’-lantern with a fiendish smile and flames leaping about its meaty flesh, not consuming it, but as if they're possessing it.

There is no terror, no gripping horror to the painting in front of Major. But she continues to stare at it, trying to figure out what it is about the painting that she can’t let go of ...that she can’t let go unanswered.

The man just stands there waiting for a response from Major, but patiently allowing her to study the painting as a true lover of art would well appreciate her doing. He stands there also admiring it, as if it were his own painting. He seems to appreciate the length of time Major is taking to admire the art.

But she isn’t admiring the painting, nor is she a true lover of this type of art. She is merely trying to figure out why she is so personally touched by this painting. There is something about this painting. Something that touches her in a way that she doesn’t know if she wants to know. But she has to know.

She suddenly becomes aware again of the man standing beside her. Major surprises herself by blurting out, “Did you paint this picture?”

158

The man quickly replies, “No, this painting was done by a woman I met while I was sailing the coast one summer. Her paintings are the type that many don’t really appreciate because most people are unable to touch the type of feeling that she captures in each of her paintings. You seem to be one of the few I’ve met ...you seem to understand what she is trying to say.”

Major doesn’t say anything, but she feels he must say that to all his customers.

“These other paintings, you no doubt have seen, are my works. I don’t paint what I feel anymore. It’s more important that I make a living. And this has become a real success for me. Somehow people seem to relate to my paintings. I sell them so fast, I can’t keep up with production.”

Major doesn’t say anything, but she feels he probably says that to all his customers too. But if it is true, it is so very sad.

“I prefer sailing to painting. I wish I had time to set sail along the coast again. I got myself a new rig. I named it, Estie. I’d like to show it to that fine lady friend of mine.”

Major inquires, “What coast did you say that was?”

“Oh, I sail every coast.”

“Where was it that you met your fine lady friend?”

“Oh, I promised her I wouldn’t tell.”

It didn’t really matter to Major. She is just trying to make conversation while her mind rapidly sorts out details to a puzzle she feels she is on the verge of solving. Major is trying to stall. She holds the painting at arm’s length. What is it about this painting that won’t let her put it down? Major can’t quite put her finger on it.

159

Major moves her thumb. Suddenly she realizes why the painting is so important to her. The clue is the signature. It is signed, Estie. It is the same signature as the one on a painting that hangs above Len’s bed at home.

Len had picked it up a couple weeks before he split. She had asked him if a friend of his did the painting and he said no. But the other day she had looked at the signature to see if she recognized the name.

Major’s eyes flash tense curiosity, “I know you said this Estie character has sworn you to secrecy, but could you tell me if she’s ever been to this area before?” Major doesn’t even know if the question makes any sense.

“I tell you, she is more than a character, she is a very fine woman; and I don’t know where all she’s been, but I can assure you that wherever she’s been ...they should be proud to have been graced by her presence. I don’t know much about the fine lady, I admit, but the mystery is half of what makes a lady. What I do know about her though, is what I’ve seen and no finer have I ever seen.”

What Major can see is that this man has been totally captivated by this Estie. And the more Major listens to him, the more she is convinced he has been at sea too long. Major wonders what shallow waters his mind has been navigating. He's obviously infatuated by this Estie character.

Major does not interrupt his rambling. As the man tries to make his point, Major tries to rethink where she'd missed hers.

160

The man smiles proudly, “Yes, I named my new boat after her. She’s a lot like my new rig. She’s a real beauty, but also has strength. She can really take the waves. That’s what makes a real lady ...a combination of beauty and strength.”

Major wonders what a woman like Estie could possibly see in a man like him ...a combination of arrogance and stupidity. Is that what is considered a real man? Is that what too much wind and surf does to you?

No. Major remembers Larry mentioning a guy by the name of Arthur Gordon. Larry said that Arthur was an author of immeasurable insight, much of what he credited to his living by the sea.

Major had never read any of his books, and she realizes she is trusting Larry’s opinion ...something that few people would ever consider. But it is his judgment, not his opinion that continues to get him in trouble ...and that trouble seems entirely for the benefit of Nitro Nurse.

Both Larry's opinions and actions are that of a perfect gentleman when he is around Major.
Major realizes at this moment what she is doing. She is putting down this sailor man and defending the character of Larry. In a way, she is subconsciously comparing the two. But why? Because she had remembered him mentioning the writer who lived by the sea? No, she knows why!

This is bad ...real bad! Now she is cross-examining herself. And answering herself.

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But she can’t even answer herself honestly. "Be honest", she scolds herself, "the reason you thought of Larry is that you always think of Larry. Everything somehow finds its way back to Larry. Admit it. You care about what he thinks, just the way you cared about what Darin thought. And eventually you will admit that you care about what he thinks about you. And maybe you will even admit that he is slowly taking the place of Darin."

Major shrugs off that thought. That isn’t her thinking that ...those are the words of Olga haunting her.

But why should they haunt her? What is she afraid of? Is it so bad if she actually can find happiness again?

Major laughs at the thought. Happiness always causes someone pain. She was happy with Darin, but had neglected to be there for Len. It seems that life fails us and we fail life …creating a very poor balance for life.

But she will concentrate on being there for others ...especially Len, if she ever gets the chance again. Yes, she will try to make others happy. She doesn’t care if she is using that as a convenient excuse for denying herself happiness.

Now where did she get a thought like that? She knows where. Larry, of course. She laughs aloud this time as she thinks to herself, “Here I go again, thinking of Larry. Are none of my thoughts my own? Now who’s the crazy one?”

Major is sure the sailor man had been rambling on still about Estie. She had tuned him out though. But she tunes back in when she realizes she has laughed aloud. The man is not talking now. He looks at her as if to question what she had laughed at. Major doesn’t miss a beat, “You know, it’s funny. I could have sworn I’ve seen her work before. She must have her work in several shows.”

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The sailor seems offended by that statement, “No, I can assure you that she is very guarded about her work and she has only made exception with allowing a few works in my show.”

Major figures, of course the fine lady would give only him that exclusive right ...a fine man as himself. And Major hadn’t even considered the possibility until this time, but who says Estie is a fine lady ...besides old sailor britches here? What does he know? He thinks women and boats are alike. And that doesn’t exactly float well with Major.

After having quickly refuted Major’s statement about having seen Estie’s work somewhere else, the sailor man ponders a bit, “Perhaps you’ve seen work like hers, though I don’t know anyone quite like her.”

Major doesn’t know anyone quite like him. She doesn’t give him the satisfaction of hearing her say that though.

The sailor ponders a bit, “Usually those who have such detailed appreciation for the fine art are painters themselves. Do you paint ...I didn’t catch your name?”

Major figures it's much like a man of the sea to pull in his catch when he thinks the net is full ...but she is not going to be netted by this one. She keeps her distance, “I didn’t catch your name either.”

“MacArthur. But you can call me Mac. Now what did you say your name was?”

“Major. You can call me Major.”

“So, do you do any painting, Major?”

She glances at the prices ...three hundred, four hundred dollars for a painting. She can’t pass up this one, “If I bring you some of my paintings, can you put them in your show like you did Estie's?”

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The sailor ponders, “I’ll tell you what ...come to my tent where we can talk in private. I have a deal that could profit us both.”

Major doesn’t trust this man. She tries to convince herself that she need not worry with a large crowd around, but this is a strange crowd. She then sees a couple men in uniforms walk by. One policeman stops to look at a painting near the tent. Major follows the sailor into the tent.

Sailor Mac talks in a low tone, “I have a bunch of sketches …of paintings I’ve wanted to put on canvas, but I haven’t gotten around to painting them. I’ll give you a hundred bucks a piece for each one you complete, understanding of course that my signature goes on each one.”

Major wonders if this is legal. It sure doesn’t seem right.

“Now, you are not obliged of course. But I was thinking of setting sail next week and seeing if I can find my fine lady friend. It will give me a chance to really test out my new rig. And maybe Estie will have some more paintings for me. I give her one hundred dollars for each one flat out. I sell them for three hundred or four hundred, but I take the chance whether they sell or not. So I’ll give you my sketch pad and when I come back in a couple weeks, look for me … I’ll be setting up here again.”

Major listens closely to the offer. She doesn’t know quite what to say.

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Mac talks as if she has already agreed to it, “You keep eye. When see me, come round back and bring paintings. I give same deal .. .hundred for each. Dot's good deal. Use my idea and just paint ...no think or create, just paint and I give hundred each one. And I put some your paintings in show too if want. I see paintings 'fore I know much give. I sure they nice, but maybe people won’t like and if no buy, then no money.”

Major notices that Mac’s voice suddenly took on an accent. His accent is inconsistent, but he must figure that is his more professional voice ...his business voice.

Major considers his offer. Painting his sketched ideas would be the best deal. She has never tried painting before and won’t know where to start in trying to create her own ideas. But with painting out Mac’s sketches, that should be easy enough. The hours are flexible. She can work out of her home. That seems like the perfect offer, “I’ll give it a try.”

“If no find time, dot’s okay …neither us out. Do best can. I be sailin’ ...but I be back.”

Major shakes Mac’s hand, “See you in a couple weeks.”

“No forget sketch book.” He picks it up off the card table, and hands it to Major.
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VIII.

"I’ve got to hand it to you Major ..." Larry uses one of his typical open-ended statements. He seems to do this intentionally, so it isn’t a one-way conversation. Larry loves to talk, but it is also important to him that the other person listen ...and he seems to check on that once in a while.

“Hand what to me?” Major has no idea what he is talking about.

“The window cleaner. You missed a face-print here. And don’t say you don’t do windows.”

Major laughs, “Am I to assume it’s your face-print?”

“I don’t know, but it’s one ugly spot. You’d better hurry and clean it.”

Major tosses a dry cloth at Larry, letting her guard down. Immediately she tells herself it is a mistake. She doesn’t want to be caught doing that sort of thing with the clientele. It isn’t professional. And she certainly doesn’t want to encourage Larry to joke around any more than he already does.

Actually Larry acts the best when she is around, and she wants to keep it that way. Major enjoys having Larry around and doesn’t want anyone to report that she is goofing around on the job and ruin that. She quickly decides to change the subject to a more serious tone, “Have you ever tried painting, Larry?”

Larry responds quickly, sensing Major is suddenly sharing something personal with him. “Yes. What would you like to know?”

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Of course Larry has tried painting. What was Major thinking about. Larry has tried everything.

Larry senses he has said that wrong, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t always sound like I have more to offer than anyone else on every subject.”

Larry hesitates. Major doesn’t immediately say anything. Larry hopes he hasn’t ruined the chance for Major to share something with him without feeling inferior. Of course that is crazy ...he’s the one who has a mental institution which he calls home. How can anyone feel inferior to him?

Major has been wondering what kind of terror is inside a person who dreams up the kind of thing personified on those paintings she saw today. She thinks of Sailor Mac. He had seemed not unlike many of the clientele at the hospital here. She smiles as a thought enters her mind, “I guess one got away.”

Immediately she is ashamed of that thought. It seems so cruel that someone like Larry has to be in a hospital like this. He must have had it rough enough ...and now he has to face being locked up with all these others.

Maybe there are a lot of horrid memories locked inside him. Maybe if a person releases some of that by painting, the coping process becomes a little easier ...putting the emotions on canvas and allowing others to view it.

Major wonders whether Larry has some of those monsters inside him, “I’d like to see some of your paintings.” But just after she says it, she realizes how stupid it is ...this isn’t exactly an art gallery.

Larry smiles, “You just dusted one of them.”

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Major looks at the painting. A little boy and his grandpa are sitting on the edge of a pier. Their pant legs are rolled up to the knee, their feet dangling, euclase of the water’s surface ...showing breath to an otherwise still and breathless moment.

What is she doing now? Had she contracted the disease of artistual thinking and vocabulatorical rendition by visiting that art show earlier in the day? And is she also making up her own words now? Why dissect it the way they do? Look at the whole picture.

Major glances over at Larry. He seems to be holding his breath, waiting for her response. She looks back at the painting ...capturing the breathless moment. There is such warmth in that painting! But Major is inclined to look at details ...and at the last tiny ripple that fades to the corner of the painting, it's signed “Larry”.

Before she can respond, Larry is anxiously leading her to the next picture down. He seems to smile with a bit of pride.

Eventually, after she has politely admired a half dozen of the paintings, she feels compelled to ask, “Do they know you put your signature on these paintings?”

Larry takes a short breath, “You think this is a prank? You think I painted my name on someone else's paintings?”

Major doesn’t say anything.

“I admit it would have been a hilarious stunt, but no one here has the sense of humor for that sort of thing, nor would they care. I only pull stunts that create havoc.”

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It bothers Major when Larry gets in trouble. She cares for him. “I know you pull stunts to get attention. I figured you did this to get my attention.”

“I did sort of hope you would notice.”

“Then you did do this stunt to get my attention!”

“You really think I didn’t paint these?” Larry raises his eyebrows with one corner of his mouth turned up. “Not that anyone would care to give her any credit, but Nitro Nurse had them put up. But maybe I'm giving her too much credit. Perhaps her motivation was to give us that false sense of encouragement, sort of like coming home after our first day of school …we draw an ugly picture and our mom puts it up on the refrigerator. My mom used to put mine in the refrigerator, way in the back ...until the meatloaf died. And believe me, mom’s meatloaf stood the test against most things.”

Major gives Larry that stale joke look, “So you’re saying that somewhere along the line you have progressed from making meatloaf go stale ...to gracing the halls here?”

“Gracing the halls?"

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

"Yeah, beauty to Nitro is a quarter-moon with a fat hypodermic …that's how she holds to the beholder. How about you hold ‘er and I’ll stick ‘er. See how she likes it.”

"The way you get shots, most people think you like it. I had something different in mind …that actually doesn't destroy your mind."

"Beauty is in believing." He hesitates, "Most people believe I painted these paintings."

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Major notices a bit of trembling in Larry’s voice. He had said he hadn’t gotten a shot in a long time ...she shouldn’t have brought it up again. Maybe if she pretended that she believed him about the paintings, it would make it better. “Sorry if I hurt you by doubting you. It’s just always very possible with you that you are joking around.”

“You’re right. I guess I can’t blame you for thinking that.”

“I do think the paintings are very touching.”

“You want one?”

Major feels trapped again. She doubts Larry did these paintings. She doesn’t want him to ask her to choose one …and then take it off the wall.

Larry smiles, “I’m working on one now. You can have it as soon as I finish it.”

Larry had let her off the hook temporarily. Major nods, “Okay.” She doesn’t want to say much. She is safe for now. Hopefully Larry will forget about it.

Major thinks again. No, that’s not likely with Larry. He won’t forget. And he probably has one hidden away in his room somewhere that he hasn’t put his name on yet.

Major hasn’t any idea what Larry has in his bedroom. All of the clientele are responsible for cleaning their own bedrooms and she cleans the rest of the ward. Major is glad of that. They keep their bedroom doors closed ...and she is glad of that too. On more than one occasion she has hurried past a trailing odor coming from under a door.

Larry appears to be the type who would have a neat room. He is always groomed real well and his clothes are always neat. And the way he always reminds her when she misses a spot on a window or the floor ...his room is probably immaculate.

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On the other hand, she wouldn’t be surprised if Larry has his room filled with hospital property. Maybe Larry figures it’s his ...maybe he feels he is hospital property.

Major tries to rapidly rationalize all this to figure out why there is this inconsistency about Larry. But more urgent is the fact that soon Larry is most likely going to give her a painting. She can’t take hospital property. She can’t tell him that though ...it seems to mean a lot to Larry that she believe him. She has thought of telling him that she's sorry …that it is hospital policy that the workers not accept gifts from the clientele. That will probably be the best way to handle it, but Larry has been beaming ever since she has agreed to take one.

Major begins speaking it almost simultaneous to her thoughts, “When you finish the painting, you can hang it by my janitor’s closet. That way, I’ll be surprised when I come in one day.”

Larry smiles, seemingly pleased with that agreement.

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                  IX.


Major is not smiling. Painting just doesn’t seem to agree with her. She puts down the brush and picks up her drumsticks. She needs to brush up a little on her drumming. She tries to drum out the tensions, but it doesn’t work. She can’t drum out the tensions. Music has to come from within ...and she can only make it work when things within are in harmony with one another.

Major had worked at drumming to keep in practice, but lately that’s exactly what it had felt like ...work. She doesn’t feel any harmony within and being the perfectionist she is, she doesn’t feel she is creating any external harmony either. The music just isn’t there anymore ...it hadn’t been since Darin died.

Maybe one of the reasons why she can’t paint is because she is a perfectionist and isn’t satisfied with something unless it is just right. But she can work on it like she has with her drumming. Work on it until she figures it is at least halfway satisfactory.

She has to work at it ...she was promised the high price of one hundred dollars for each painting. But maybe that's just it. Maybe she feels she shouldn’t be paid for something that she isn’t satisfied with. Lately she hasn’t been satisfied with her drumming either, but no one has agreed to pay her for that performance. So what should she care if she doesn’t like the paintings she does? She doesn’t like the paintings Mac does, either. And these are the sailor’s sketches anyway, not hers.

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Major picks up the brush again. This is the third day and it has not been getting any better. It is even more difficult than she had thought. Maybe it’s because it reminds her too much of Darin. She had loved watching Darin paint. But these sketches did not bring out the beauty of life that Darin’s had. They are filled with pain and agony. And each sketch is as bad as the one before.
If she keeps this up much longer she feels that mood will swallow her up. She also fears she will become like those others ...who have found they can relate to this sort of painting. Worse of all, she fears this mood will become a part of her ...then one day she'd end up finding enjoyment creating paintings like this.

She is promised one hundred dollars for each painting ...but she cannot live with the way she feels about it. She’d be partly to blame for enhancing this sort of mood in others. The price is good, but too much to pay. She can’t be like Mac and paint only for financial success. Mac says he doesn’t paint what he feels anymore. He had said it’s more important to make a living. But Major knows she can’t paint what she feels strongly against. To her, that wouldn’t be living.

Major looks at the painting she has been working on. She dips the brush heavily into the black, then paints a large circle on the canvas. She dips the brush into the black again, then boldly paints a line diagonally from two edges of the circle, dissecting it perfectly in half. This one is not Mac's. This is her own creation …an expression of how she feels.

Major picks up the painting, admiring her work ...then trashes it. She will never try painting again.
173

The thought of painting haunts her. The thought of the painting above Len’s bed haunts her …the painting by Estie.

Major walks into Len’s bedroom. She stares at the painting. There is nothing she’d seen striking about the painting before, but now something strikes her ...as if there is some ominous meaning behind it.

It is a basic black-and-white, figure-ground painting. With short tense strokes, the outline of a person has been painted on the canvas. Nothing else, just the outline of a person. But it is a person in void. A person standing with one foot propped up as if having been somewhere or possibly having intended on going somewhere ...but presently faced with a dilemma.

No, it is more than that. An elbow resting on the knee while holding the face in that hand can depict a person faced with choosing between equally unpleasant alternatives.

But it seems like more than that too. The person rather seems to be faced with no choice at all.

Yes, that is it!

How agonizing, to be ready to do what you desperately need to do …but suddenly realizing it is out of your control. The person in the picture is actually out of the picture. There is nothing the person can do, but stand there in total frustration.

The short tense strokes of the brush convince Major that Estie must have felt that way. That is not the way Mac had described her, but then again he was infatuated by her. In truth, Estie may be the mighty fine lady that Mac had described. It is hard to tell from the way Mac described her ...like his boat. But it is easy to see from this painting that Estie is much deeper than Mac.

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The painting shows that underneath, deep inside this person, is deep frustration. An unselfish frustration. A kind that comes from caring deeply for another person who you know is suffering from intense and relentless pain and agony, but you can’t help the person.

This deeply frustrated person is Estie. This agonizing person is Maggie Major. She shares that feeling in common with Estie. Day-to-day she searches for hope, but cannot convince herself that Len is not somewhere out there strung out on drugs, in undying agony. And it is out of her control. She can’t help him. There is nothing she can do.

No, she is unwilling to accept that. She has been so totally frustrated because she has looked everywhere she can think of and has not only exhausted her ideas, but her body as well.
All these attempts to find work have been the wrong approach. She has been thinking of using the money to help Len get treatment once she finds him, but she should be spending that time looking for Len, not painting.

She has to find Len, then she can worry about earning the money. And maybe Len won’t need treatment. Maybe all he needs is her love. And if that is the case, she will stay home and spend the time with him ...not do like she had before.

But she’d been through these thoughts before. The love was needed before. Love will have to wait now. The drugs will not allow the love to be seen in the proper perspective. Drugs are too powerful to mess with. Nothing is in the proper perspective. The love is in getting treatment. Then when he begins to recover, he may begin to allow bits of their friendship to return ...and hopefully some day accept her love whole-heartedly.

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Major has made those decisions over and over again. Any other judgments can be made when the time comes. Meanwhile, she is stuck in this state of hopelessness.

Not aware of anything aside from her present thoughts, Major raises one foot onto the board at the foot of Len's bed. Her elbow is resting on her knee, her face resting in the palm of her hand.

Her hand is soaked with tears, beginning to trickle down her arm. She is not going to accept her present condition. It is not totally out of her control. She will find Len …somehow.

176

     X.

When Len had left the note saying he wasn’t coming back, Major had been devastated. But she hadn’t sat idle long before she had begun looking for him. Of course she had first checked the few friends she knew Len had, but they said they hadn’t seen Len ...and she didn’t want to explain the circumstances to them. She said she had to see him about something right away, and when they couldn’t help her, she would try to cover by saying she didn’t want to have to wait until that evening.

Then she would change her strategy. She would stop by again a couple weeks later, saying she was in a hurry but just stopped by to say hi. She would casually mention that Len doesn’t talk much about them, and she’d ask whether they see each other much anymore. But they always said they haven’t seen Len in quite some time.

After that, she would resort to just driving around, hoping for the one-in-a-million chance she’d spot him somewhere.

When she woke up this morning she thought of checking in on Len’s friends again. She couldn’t believe they still hadn’t seen him. They had to be lying to her. Len hadn’t just simply abandoned all his friends. Len probably had them promise not to mention anything to her. He was probably staying with one of them.

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It’s good to keep things in confidence when asked to by your friends, but that type of loyalty can go too far. Major knows Len’s friends well and they know that Len had been going through some personal struggles for some time now. And Len’ s friends had been very supportive of him, especially when Len had become the man of the household.

Major had quickly seen the change in Len after dad left. She is real thankful for Len’s friends. All of Len’s true friends are straight. When they are together Major knows Len isn’t drinking. But after dad left, Len began drinking heavily. It was at night when Len couldn’t sleep that he got into drinking.

It was not easy after dad left. Major didn’t sleep well either. She’d be awake when she would hear Len slip out. Then she’d find it nearly impossible to fall asleep. She was worried too much about her brother.

As time went on, it had gotten worse. Len’s friends noticed that Len always had that distinct alcoholic odor. And Len got caught drinking a couple times at work. He was put on probation for that, and the fact that he was missing too much work. He would usually get up around noon and meet his friends for lunch, but they soon realized he had been skipping work many of those times. They told Major they were worried and maybe she could talk to him …get through to him somehow.

Major had thought of confronting Len several times, but she had some problems of her own. She avoided it for weeks. Then when she did talk with him, it didn’t turn out to be much of a talk. Right after their talk, Len had left.

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Major then discovered that Len had not only been drinking, but he’d been involved in other drugs too. Certainly Len’s friends would have sooner or later suspected or found out about that too. Why wouldn’t they help her? Couldn’t they see that Len was destroying himself and without some immediate professional help he would continue down that road to destruction?

Or were Len’s friends secretly helping him seek professional help? No, they would tell her about it if they were. Or would they? Of course they would!

Major realizes she is getting paranoid, but she is fighting that feeling. She is overwhelmed by the events in her life over the past half year, not to mention the death and abandonment before that, which she has to admit she has never come to grips with.

She is still reeling from the shock of it all. She is panicking and each way she turns there seems to be more confusion. It is difficult enough surviving Darin’s death ...but then Len had become not only irrational, but had betrayed the only family bond she still had.

Life has betrayed her. Circumstances are responsible for her own irrational thoughts. This morning she is convinced that it is part of the reason she is having no success in finding her brother . . . and she has to stop being paranoid. She has to trust someone.

Once she clears her mind of the negatives, she will realize where the truth lies. Len had needed some real stability in his life, and he had begun to socialize with the most secure and stable group of people he knew at work. Possibly he wanted to be associated with a group of people who had peaceful lives, seeing what that was like ...dreaming he too would have a life like that someday.

179

He probably also wanted to create that kind of environment for his brother and sister. But the truth is, he had never let them get real close after Carrie died. Len’s friends had pleaded for her to talk with her brother ...but she had also become distant. She had abandoned him for her own peaceful little world ...her dream world with Darin.

Okay, so if Len’s friends are telling the truth and don’t know where Len is, then she has no idea who does. Certainly the dealers must have seen Len.

Major tries to think of how Len found out where to get the drugs. The obvious way is through conversation at the bar. How else can someone find out where to get drugs, they don’t exactly advertise in the newspaper. Or do they?

It sounds crazy, but so is this whole drug business. Somehow it could be coded into the classified ads.

Major drives to get a newspaper. She picks up the local paper and begins to search for the classifieds as she walks back to her car. She finds the classified ads and slips that section out of the paper. But as she does this, another section also slips out of the paper. Major quickly snatches it in mid-air, but she doesn’t get the whole thing. A page catches the wind.

Major reacts quickly. Three large strides to pin the page between her foot and the pavement. As she picks it up, she finds her footprint marking the front-page of the Entertainment section.
At the heel of her print, she sees that one of Len’s favorite bands is in town. The band calls themselves Sacred Mushrooms. And they are playing at The Connection.
180

Major recalls the time a couple years ago when Len had heard them play. He had been there every night for the entire week. Then it was the last night and Len told his sister that she had to hear this band. She said okay, though she wasn’t very enthused about it ...she and Len and had different taste in music.

The evening had begun as expected. She did not like the music of Sacred Mushrooms. But the evening had potential when after their first break they announced they were going to have a drum solo contest. Major found this interesting. Len hadn’t told her about this part. Perhaps the evening wouldn’t be a total disaster.

But when they had called her name off as the next contestant, she was in shock. She looked at Len in disbelief ...it was obvious who had entered her in the contest. Len just smiled and told her to go on ...he really believed in his sister.

She had hoped no one there knew her. She tried to pretend the person they called had not shown up. But when Len began to nudge her on, the people sitting around them turned towards her and began to clap. Soon the whole place turned towards her and began clapping to encourage her to go on up there. And Major felt she had no choice, but to oblige.

She hadn’t ever played for anyone before, except her brothers. And she was sure they were just being kind to their sister when they told her how good she was. Major was a bundle of nerves when she went on up there, but it didn’t show. She won the contest.

181

She and her guest for the evening, Len, were invited to dine out with the band at a late night restaurant. Len was on top of the world. On the other hand, she had enjoyed winning the contest, but the part she didn’t like was hanging out with the band.

Major also didn’t like the way her brother was acting. Crude talk and behavior was sort of expected of the band members ...they were notorious for that, but she had never thought Len would join in on that sort of thing. Len just wasn’t like that ...and none of his friends were like that either. So why was Len acting so much against his regular nature?

But that question was not on her mind now. What she was concerned with now was the fact that though that was the only time she had seen Len act that way, it was not unlike certain bands like Sacred Mushrooms to act that way. And their music often encouraged that wayward lifestyle.

Major skims the article. She hasn’t realized how out-of-touch she’d been. Sacred Mushrooms are not road players anymore. The article praises another of their performances at the hottest club around. The Connection boasted of record attendance the past couple of months.

Sacred Mushrooms apparently didn’t have much success on the road, but the crowd here really loved them. Seeing the steady crowd they brought in for each nightly performance, the owner of the club asked them to stay on. The band made good money here and didn’t have all those road expenses. And The Connection was also doing better than it ever had.
182

This is all news to Major and proof of how much she’d been out-of-touch the past couple of months. But that is all behind her, she keeps convincing herself. She will certainly try to catch every detail now. She’ll check out every possibility. And it's a definite possibility that Len is hanging out at The Connection.

The time she had won the contest, Len had seemed so out-of-character ...but at the same time had really enjoyed himself. Maybe Len was hanging out with the band. Maybe they were the ones supplying him the drugs. Or maybe they had a common supplier.

Major won’t check out the classifieds for any secret code ...that is stupid. She’s been so out of it, her mind is doing stupid things. But she feels it is wise to check out The Connection. After work tonight, she’ll go there and see what she can come up with.

Major drives back home. She thinks of the word, ...“home”. It isn’t really a home anymore. Just an empty shell. Sort of the way she feels about herself.

Major opens the door to her house. The emptiness becomes even more evident to her. All the memories still dwell here. The memories don’t have much life to them though. They are like skeletons, reminding her that she is finally reaping what had been sown down through the years by her family. But the family is gone. Only she is left.

She stands there in silent torment. Then the silence is broken behind her. She is startled at first, but then realizes what innocence lies in the intruder. A jet black cat had wandered up to the house and is curiously meowing just outside the open door.

183

Major talks to the cat in a friendly tone, “Hey, what are you looking for? You’ll only find trouble in here. You’d better get on back home.”

Funny, that a black cat had just crossed her path and she had warned it of her bad luck. The cat continues to meow.

Major gives in, “Okay, I’ll feed you if you promise to go home. This is no home here. You don’t want to hang around here.”

Major gets some tuna and the cat follows her over to Huck’s doghouse. She fills Huck’s bowl and then drags the garden hose over. She dumps the stale water from a second bowl and refills it with fresh water. Major looks back to the bowl of tuna. The cat seems really appreciative. Half the tuna is already gone.

Major returns to the house. Her mind is still on the Sacred Mushrooms. She plans a surprise visit after work tonight. The thought of it frightens her. She doesn’t understand these groups.

These groups always seems to come up with less than desirable names. Some are just dumb names, but others try to manipulate the impressionable with the struggling images of good and evil. Somehow things have gotten distorted along the way ...bad had become good. Or rather, it is desirable to be bad ...to go against the norm.

Actually, they aren’t going against the norm. The way things are going, to go against the norm now would be to go back to being good. But that doesn’t seem desirable anymore and it certainly isn’t easy.

184

Major thinks of how true that had been in school too …the learning institution. She had gone against the norm in more ways than one. She did not follow the dress code of the 'in' group. She had dressed somewhat like a tomboy, and still does. But she prefers that to 'kissing up' and presenting herself as a prime feminine catch. And she also has never followed the way of those who think that being bad is good.

Major has a lot of traits that she isn’t willing to give up. There are certain things she holds sacred. She just doesn’t understand these other people. Sacred Mushrooms? What significance does that have? Weird. But with music, weird is 'in'. She can accept that. She has been labeled weird lots of times. But for these bands, weird often means disgusting. Sadly enough, it is encouraged in this profession. But they have the same lousy incentive as countless other professions ...to do whatever it takes.

Major wonders what it will take to find Len. Time …it certainly will take time. She knows of a quicker way, but she will not hang out with the crowd and indulge herself, hoping to find the dealers. That might work, but it is really dumb. That will only be a trade-off. She’d only be giving in to something she really hates ...something responsible for making Len what he is today, whatever that is. Even if she just played along, she’d only end up hating herself and possibly holding resentment towards Len ...blaming him while sacrificing part of what she stood for.

185

Major is not a believer in the ends justifying the means. She has her own means that she will use to find Len. She'll use her good old common sense.

Major wanders into Len’s bedroom. She looks up at the poster of Sacred Mushrooms. She had given that poster to Len. It was the other part of the prize for winning the contest, along with the prize of dining out with the band. She hadn’t been particularly thrilled about either prize, but she’d been happy to see Len enjoying the moment.

At this moment, as she looks up at the poster, she has a strong feeling that the band is going to be a turning point for her in finding Len. She has to believe that. She is clinging desperately to that hope.

She is definitely going to check them out after work. Meanwhile, Major has a couple hours to waste before leaving for work. But she is certainly not going to waste the time. She sits on Len’s bed and begins to plan out how she is going to approach the band after work tonight. Suddenly she thinks of something else ...the comic books. She stares at all the comic books spread out all over the floor. Len must have spent a small fortune on all these comics. You’d think he was addicted to them as much as he was to the drugs.

If Len is really hooked on comic books, then maybe she can find him hanging out at the comic book store near the school. The one near the school is the only comic book distributor that she can think of. Maybe it's crazy, but it's worth a try. She can probably find out where all the comic book dealers are ...which is a lot easier than finding out where all the drug dealers are.

186

Major hops in her car and takes off. When she arrives, she parks behind a restaurant, half a block away. She wants her car out of sight in case Len comes strolling down the street. She doesn’t want to be visible to Len. She wants a chance to say something to him first …to say how much she loves him and wants to help him.

Cautiously, Major walks inside the store. She looks around. The store had just opened a few minutes before she had arrived, according to the sign on the door. The morning seems to have dragged on, but it's only ten after ten. She figures she might as well hang around until she has to leave for work ...see if Len shows up.

Major is not really interested in comic books, but she’d better pretend she is. The racks are filled with current issues. She is amazed at the number of different comic book titles. Len has a lot of different comics, but nothing quite like what she sees here.

Major picks up a comic book and begins to thumb through it, keeping a watchful eye on the door in case Len walks in. But mostly she listens. There is a bell on the door, announcing every time someone walks in or out of the store.

Major puts the comic book back. She picks up another one and begins to thumb through it. These comic books are as disturbing as the paintings she had seen at Mac’s show. In some ways they are more disturbing ...though they don’t rekindle any personal painful emotion.

187

The pain she feels is from the loss of loved ones ...and there is not much love depicted in these comic books. It is a cheap substitute that these characters are obsessed with …it is not true love. There is a lot of sex. But they are also into overindulgence of every form. A sick sort of gratification. Most of the obsessions are of a very violent nature. And when that mixes with sex, life takes on its ugliest form.

But the thing that is most disturbing about these comics is that they are depicted as if the characters are just normal people. They are not on drugs or influenced by anything other than their own true nature. And we are supposed to accept it, as if this is the way people really are.
These are unlike the comics that Len has in his room. Len collects mostly superhero type comic books. They have inhuman origins, but at least they seem to have human feelings and standards. On the other hand, these human characters in most of these current issues seem to be less than human when it comes to their fellow humans.

Major still can’t get over the fact that they are actually called comic books. And usually you think of young kids when you think of comic books ...but these are not for kids, as far as Major is concerned. They are not for anyone.

Major suddenly sees a title she is familiar with, one Len has ...The Question. It is one of the few Len has that isn’t a superhero.

She finds issue #2, the one Len has. She had been too disturbed about it before. She hadn’t been able to look beyond the first couple pages. But now she feels she has to be strong.
188

She remembers it well. It is about something she fears to look at. It is about death. Something she feels Len is flirting with daily. She doesn't want to, but she has to look at it. The cover of the issue appears to be a shadow of a man falling through a sea of faces. It is as if he had lived in the shadow of all these people, and when he had contemplated death, all their faces come back to him. And they are all stern or expressionless, except one face …that face seems to be smirking.
Major turns the page. The faces have all disappeared, almost as if by command of his wishes. They can no longer claim power over his life as they disperse into billions of subatomic particles, each releasing a speck of light, but together creating a glowing mass.

That glowing mass seems to possess enough gravitational pull to draw him towards it. The individual specks of light then move about the blackness, and the light and dark share space to create a form. The form is in the shape of a face ...the face of a woman.

His motion stops as he peers into the vision of shadow and light. Suddenly he begins to fall headlong back into the blackness. And suddenly he feels pain. Intense agonizing pain. He is alive again.

Major had not forgotten the pain. The most intense pain of living. She had felt it too. But hers was not physical pain. Hers was brought about by emotional agony.

189

Like everyone else, she had experienced moments in life when she was in so much physical pain that she felt like she was dying, but the emotional pain is worse. The physical pain never came without the hope that it would somehow eventually go away, but the emotional agony stood in void, not permitting any hope. It was like a malignant cancer …and destroying her from within.

As Major looks at these first three pages, her own thoughts enter into the interpretation of what she sees. She relates it to the one time she had seriously contemplated death. At that time past, she had only seen the stern uncaring faces. She had only seen what her mind had permitted her to see at that time. She had only permitted herself to see the side of people that supported the way she already felt.

It appeared Len dreaded the obligation that was thrust upon him when Dad left. He had attempted to take on the financial burden, but he didn't face the emotional end. He had just rid himself of the responsibilities of watching over Ted. Ted would do well studying in Europe. Maybe his sister would get married soon and he could be rid of that responsibility as well. That Daniels boy was interested in his sister. Len had seen the earrings that Darin had given her. He would be anxious for the day when she left too.

That’s the way Major had perceived it at first. She hadn’t understood how much Len was probably terrified of himself and the drugs. He was probably only thinking of the safety of his brother and sister. They would only be safe away from him, where he couldn’t destroy them.

190

The letter Len had left her hadn’t been enough to convince her ...but now she is convinced that’s why he had left. Maybe that’s why dad left too. Maybe dad couldn’t bare seeing himself destroy his own family as a result of an alcohol problem he couldn’t control.

Had Len gone looking for Dad? Should she be looking for both of them? It is a real difficult dilemma …one that many families of substance abusers must face.

Maybe these abusers feel they have to be on their own to lick the problem. Perhaps they feel they need to leave because that’s the only way they can get the distance they need between them and their loved ones. But how long before they realize they can't conquer the problem on their own? Or do these abusers only want distance between them and their loved ones so their families don’t see them when they fall totally apart ...in the end, abusing the ones they love.

Major is convinced that’s why both her dad and eventually Len, left. They left because they thought it best for their loved ones. But how about the loved ones? If they care enough to want to help, are they strong enough to survive all the pain that will be necessary to go through to try to bring them back? Yes, what about the loved ones?

As far as her family goes, she’s the only one available to find them, to insist they get treatment. Of course they won’t want her to find them in the condition they are probably in ...they will resist her and probably hate her for forcing them into any treatment program. So she’ll have to be strong to endure all that.

191

But Major feels she is strong enough. She has conquered her own thoughts of death not too long ago and she will never again consider taking her own life. And she will not allow anyone else to consider it either ...in any form. Love will conquer all doubts and fears. She will help Dad and Len conquer it too ...if she only can!

Major lets the image on the comic book page absorb her. What she sees brings a thought that she fears to consider. Will dad or Len be faced with death, struggling with the same thoughts that this man in the comic book is tormented with ...a struggle between letting go and holding on?
Major is reminded again of when she had struggled with the thoughts of taking her own life not long ago. Whatever the circumstances of death, it amounts to either letting go or holding on. There were moments that Major felt there was nothing to hold on to. Most likely her dad and brother are in a similar frame of mind.

It is not likely that dad or Len will experience what this man in the comic book is experiencing. There will be no peaceful image of someone to bring them back ...whether it is back home or back from the edge. There is nothing peaceful about their life.

Major knows death well. It is no stranger to her dad or brother either. Death certainly does not bring about peace.

Grandma was the only one who seemed to view death with a sense of peacefulness. She said it was just mom’s time to die ...“we’ll all miss her, but she is safe and resting peacefully in heaven.”

192

But Grandma did not say much when Carrie and her friends died. She seemed to have a great and grievous pain within her. She was not grieving because of her own death which the doctor’s anticipated would be soon ...she would never show that she had any pain herself. The pain she felt was a groaning, deep inside her. She could not say that it was simply Carrie’s and her friends’ time to die.

Major will never forget Grandma’s eyes. They were pain-stricken. Major had never seen Grandma with such a tormented look on her face. She remembers Grandma pleading with her, to promise never to do that ...to take her own life. And Major recalls promising Grandma.

Maybe it was that promise that remained somewhere in her subconscious ...that had prevented her from taking her own life. She had not seen the face of her grandma, only faces to encourage her and further support her then present thoughts …of ending life as she knew it. But she'd committed to that promise and it may have been the something that had stopped her.

Maybe it had been Olga. Maybe Olga reminded her of her own grandma. She doesn’t know. What is certain though, is that though she views life and death perhaps in a slightly different way than Grandma, she at least agrees now that no one should ever take their own life.

Olga had been wise enough to challenge Major’s thoughts on the matter. Death is horrifying. And we are not to join that which has caused us the pain. Major hates death and its deceptions.
It had tried to destroy her life. But now, partly thanks to Olga, Major sees that death is the enemy.

And not just physical death, but emotional death.

193

Somehow feelings had changed after mom died. No one could express emotions quite the way they had before …no one except Grandma. But Grandma wasn’t around long after that. She passed away, and so did everything she stood for. Every bit of hope in the family died with her, it seemed.

After that, even Major had a difficult time facing her emotions. The closeness in the family quickly disappeared. But Major remained close to Grandma in her thoughts. She took Grandma's hope and invested her emotions in Darin ...yet, except for just shortly before Darin’s death, she had kept those emotions concealed.

Major had done even worse with her brother. She and her brother had begun avoiding their emotions at all levels. It had started at mom’s death and each death after that plunged them deeper into that pit of self-denial. They needed each other for support, but each turned within themselves, not to each other.

Even Darin hadn’t understood Major’s emotional needs and he was her best friend. But being a true friend means a lot. Darin was always there when she needed to talk. No psychoanalysis was necessary to determine what they meant to each other. Love eventually defines itself.

But when Darin died, Major's grief had become maddening. She feared she would become much like the rest of her family ...emotionally dead. And she had almost given into the full package deal.

194

But she has come to grips with how she really feels now. She hates death, pain, and suffering ...and as the old cliché goes, she won’t even hurt a fly. This was verified the other day when she called out, “The hand is quicker than the fly,” snatching up the fly in her hand. Releasing it outside, she adds, "Next time knock before entering."

Major admires how disciplined and hard working insects are. She wishes dad and Len had been more disciplined. But they seemed to have made death, pain, and suffering their constant companions. And they lived in such a way that they obviously inflicted more pain and suffering upon themselves.

Major wonders how dad and Len view death. Are they suffering like the agonizing face of the man in the comic book here? Major finally turns the page. She hopes the man pulls through. She desperately needs hope.

She reads the next few frames. The man seems to be pulling through. The man’s thoughts travel back to the beginning …revealing how it happened. He had almost tasted death ...at the violent hand of another. Major hopes dad and Len do not court death. She hopes they do not take to violence.

Suddenly Major feels the presence of someone behind her. She turns slightly. It’s the man she’d seen behind the counter when she first came in.

“Can I help you? You seem a little frustrated. Can I help you find something?”

A little frustrated? She heard that line so many times at work, for a second there she almost forgot where she was. But this guy is certainly no form of psychologist, and even if he is, what right does he have to delve into her personal feelings?

195

Major tries not to reveal her hidden indignation, “This is my first time here. I was just browsing.”

“Well, if there’s anything in particular you’re looking for …"

The bell over the door rings.

Major looks up as a young boy walks in. She glances up at the clock. It’s a bit early for school to get out. He must have skipped class.

Major turns back to the man. She realizes that her hidden anger is not really towards this guy. And since she intends on keeping a look-out here for quite some time yet, she’d better pretend like she is more interested, “Well, yes, I am a little frustrated. I came to buy a couple comic books for my brother.”

“A birthday gift?”

“No, just a gift ...my way of saying I care about him.”

“Oh. That’s very nice. What better way to say I love you than with a comic book.”

Major tries not to show her disgust. Is this guy serious, or is he just being sarcastic? No, he can’t be serious. He’s just trying to nail down a sale. Anything for a buck. She plays along, “I thought so.”

"We have all the latest titles here ….."

“The new ones are too violent. I don’t like all this sex and violence.”

“Oh, I agree. I don’t think there is a quality writer on the market anymore. Personally, I prefer the old comics, the classics. Let me show you where they are.”

196

Major follows him to the back. This guy is revolting, with his sickening agreeableness. Most of his sales probably come from new comics and now he says he doesn’t think there is any good writer on the market anymore. What a con ...he’s trying to sell the older, more expensive comics now.

Major tries to think of a title so she can get rid of this guy, “Spider-man. My brother likes the Spider-man comics.”

“Ah, yes. One of my favorites, over here.”

Nauseating! If she said she liked spinach ice cream, he would say it’s one of his favorites too. “Thank you very much. This is what I'm looking for.”

“The thing I find fascinating about Spider-man is that some of his most dangerous enemies are his close friends. But they are disguised and it takes him a long time before discovering that these enemies are the friends he had made. Now there’s three different titles of Spider-man ...Amazing Spider-man, the Spectacular Spider-man, and the Web of Spider-man. They have three different story lines, but sometimes they intermesh.”

Intermesh? What is it with these words? Maybe it has something to do with the web. Maybe it has to do with guys like Mac and this one here ...with cobwebs in their head.

Good, he’s gone. Probably figures there’s plenty to wade through with the three Spider-mans. Now what’s this he said about some of Spidey’s most dangerous enemies being his close friends?

Len had a lot of Spidey comics. She wonders how much Len identifies with the characters. And being on drugs, a person can really get paranoid with his thoughts if he’s reading stuff like close friends being your greatest enemies. Maybe Len thinks she’s an enemy too.

197

Major wonders how much she’s caught up in the web. What kind of stuff is Len filling his head with? Doesn’t he realize that the drugs are his enemy ...as are those who share that misery of deceit with him?

The comic books are tightly filed in long boxes. Major reaches to the back of the box labeled, Amazing Spider-man. She grips the stack, pulling the comics toward her. She flips them through her fingers while glancing at random titles. Issue #6, Face-to-face With the Lizard; Issue #7, Return of the Vulture; Issue #15, Kraven the Hunter.

Major lifts out issue #15. The Spider-man creature is caught up in a web himself and a savage man is running forward, seemingly taking advantage of the prey.

Major replaces that issue. Issue #20, The Coming of the Scorpion ---shows a scorpion creature picking up Spider-man over his head like they do in All-star Wrestling. Major thinks to herself, “Which one is more comical?”

Issue #31, If This Be My Destiny ---Did Len accept drugs and the inevitable destruction associated with drugs as his destiny?

Issue #61, 0’ What Tangled Web We Weave. Issue #64, The Vulture’s Prey ---Major imagines the capitalistic vultures in today’s society, taking advantage of every opportunity, even capitalizing on the sick and the helpless.

Issue #76, The Lizard Lives; Issue #86, Beware of the Black Widow; Issue #89, Doc Ock Lives.

Major wishes an issue would read, #90, Len Lives.

What she can’t quite figure out is why these titles of: The Return of …and …Lives! Are they assumed to have been dead?

198

Major picks up issue #89, and is about to thumb through its pages for the answer when she is startled by a voice behind her, “Doc Ock Lives! That’s a classic! Spider-man assumes Dr. Octopus died in an airplane crash, but later finds him about to destroy the city’s main power plant. He and Spidey battle it out and then it appears Doc Ock has won as Spidey is out of webbing and falling to his apparent death. But it’s a dual classic ...to find out what happens, you have to buy issue #90, And Death Shall Come. At the last second, Spidey reaches out and grabs Doc Ock’s dangling tentacle and swings through an apartment window to safety. Then back at his apartment, Spidey prepares a new kind of fluid for his web shooter. Spidey soon runs into Doc Ock again and we see that the special fluid Spidey shoots out of his web shooters creates an effect on Doc Ock’s tentacles so he can’t control them. It’s an apparent victory for Spidey, but one victory creates another defeat as the wild tentacles knock over a chimney which is about to crush an innocent child if it crashes to the street below. But a man rushes and pushes the child clear, getting buried himself, beneath the debris. It just so happens that the man is Spidey’s girlfriend’s father. It’s really classic Spidey through and through. Spidey is forever trying to guarantee the safety of those around him, but as hard as he tries he always ends up neglecting or losing his friends and the ones he loves. He usually defeats his enemies and sends them to prison or they appear to die, but they always escape prison or death. They keep coming back to haunt Spidey. And when he defeats them, he usually ends up defeating himself too ...because his friends and loved ones either suffer or die and he feels somehow responsible for it.”

199

Major faces directly towards the young boy. It is the same boy who had walked in earlier, obviously having skipped school. The boy is amazing ...as amazing as his Amazing Spider-man. He had rattled that off with hardly a breath. Even Spider-man couldn’t have matched that feat.

Major wonders if the boy is as 'in touch' with himself as he is with the comic book character. Does the young boy know he sounds like a protégé of the man who is tending the store? Does he know how sad that is? Admire someone enough and you’ll grow up just like him.

Major flatly remarks, “And I suppose you’re going to tell me that Doc Ock is really one of Spider-man’ s close friends in disguise?”

“No, you must be thinking of the Lizard, Goblin, Hobgoblin, ...but yes, those are classic Spidey too. But my favorite is Dr. Octopus.”

His little puss just lights up when he talks. Too bad he isn’t a prolific scholar as well. He probably has a lot of potential, but you can’t show much when you’re not there. Then again, he could have been suspended from school for talking too much.

It’s really irritating having someone give a complete synopsis when you are interested in reading it for yourself, but Major isn't interested in reading it. All she is interested in is trying to get some idea of what her brother’s head is filled with. And this young boy probably has already summed it up pretty good for her. It’s like she had thought from the start. Len probably views himself as Spidey. And he is probably hooked so badly on drugs that he feels his life is playing out the script. Spidey’s enemies never disappear. They never die. They keep coming at him.

200

Len probably does view himself similar to that. Everyone is indestructible, and no one ever really wins ...but the battles are endless.

Major pleas silently, “Give it up! Give up the Spidey thing, Len. No human being can be like Spidey and survive. Why do you have to try to be a superhero? Why do you have to take on all the responsibilities yourself? You took charge and made sure everything was taken care of after dad left, but you missed the biggest thing of all ...you quit being you. You battled within yourself, but you battled in secret just like Spidey. You disguised a large part of yourself. And yes, Len, just like Spidey you intended to do good, but you ended up creating further suffering and pain for those you least wanted to hurt. Don’t you realize what is happening?”

The answer is the same. Len probably does realize it. He probably also realizes that all his good deeds are spent and he is only causing his sister pain and suffering. And that’s probably why he left.

The young boy is thumbing through some comics adjacent to Major. She tries to ignore him by thumbing through her own stack, Issue #97 ---Major had read that one. It is the drug issue …the one Len had left open on the floor of his bedroom.

If Len wanted to be so much like Spidey, why didn’t he stay straight like Spidey? Spidey is actually quite a respectable guy. Spidey doesn’t drink or do drugs …he risks his life helping people.

Helping people is good ...but Spidey goes too far. You can help people, but you don’t do it by constantly risking your own life.

201

Major thinks of herself. She intends on spending her lifetime helping people, but that has to start by being concerned about herself. There needs to be a balance and Major knows she struggles with that. But she is working on it. And there’s been definite progress in that area.

Major recalls how it had been not that long ago. She had wanted to end her life. She wished she could somehow erase the memory of her moment of weakness. She is bitterly disappointed in herself ...that she had ever reached the point of even considering bringing an end to her life. But the constant memory of her moment of weakness brings strength to her character now. It brings added confidence about her present direction in life. She most certainly and wholeheartedly hates death, and she will seek those who have lack of direction ...to help them overcome that.

Major can’t help cringing from what she sees next. Issue #121, The Night Gwen Stacy Died.

Major hesitates before lifting the issue out of the stack. The cover shows Spidey hanging on desperately to a few strands of his webbing as he is confronted with several different faces. This cover reminds Major of ‘The Question’, issue #2. But the Spider-man issue offers more explanation. At the bottom of the front cover, in bold print, she reads: “Turning Point ...the most startling unexpected turning point in this web slinger’s life. How can Spider-man go on, after being faced with this almost unbelievable death?”

202

Major immediately thinks of when Len lost Carrie. But she is about to lose her patience when
the young boy suddenly blurts out, “If you get any issue you’ve got to have that one. It’s the all-time most popular Spider-man issue. It’s real exciting. Harry continues on drugs and his dad can’t take the pressure, along with the fact that his business finances are close to being wiped out. His dad feels his enemies are all around him, ruining him and his son. He is a defeated man. A flood of images, past and present, rush through the delicate tissues of his pressured brain, tormenting him beyond human limits. His brain collapses. But as he collapses, his alter ego gains strength. He becomes the Green Goblin and possesses the power he believes will give him the control in his life that he so desperately seeks. Suddenly he feels he can succeed at anything. He is indestructible. But only one thing challenges that thought …and that one thing is Spider-man. But the Green Goblin knows that Spider-man is really Peter Parker. He kidnaps Gwen Stacy, Pete’s girlfriend, to lure Spider-man to battle. Then the Goblin kills her right before Spidey’s eyes.”

Major glares in disbelief at the young boy. He thinks that is real exciting? He thinks death is exciting? What is it with television, movie theaters, books, even comic books for young kids like this? Don’t they realize they are effectively helping to erode a large part of the backbone of human emotions ...chipping away at the very essence of the soul? Or don’t they care?

203

Major finds her thoughts screaming from within, as they appear to be with Spider-man on the cover of this issue. The words leap about Spider-man, bombarding him with the most horrifying fear, “Someone close to me is about to die. Someone I cannot save.” Those words are too much for Major to bear.

She chides the young boy, “Why aren’t you in school?”

The young boy appears beyond reproof, “No one ever learns anything in school.”

“Is that what Spider-man told you?”

“No, Peter Parker was an honor student. But the writers just did that so they could explain how he figures out all the things he does.”

“And you aren’t going to be able to figure out anything if you don’t get off to school.”

“But it’s all fake.”

“The comic books, yes. Now go on before I call the school principal …and I’m not faking.”

The young boy hesitates, but then decides to oblige after seeing the serious look on Major’s face.

Major wonders whether she had overstepped her boundaries with the young boy. After all, she had dropped out herself. But her circumstances were different. She had attended regularly before Darin died ...and then there was this thing with Len. She couldn’t help the circumstances. But isn’t that what they all claim? Everyone has some excuse to justify why.

Major doesn’t want excuses. After she finds Len and gets him some help, then she'll go back and finish school. Yes, she’ll make that a goal ...but first she has to finish the one she was working on. She has to find Len.

204

Finding Dad would be a bonus, but she would concentrate on finding Len first. In silent anguish she sighs, “Oh, Len. What is going on with you? Where are you?”

Major flips to issue #181, The Pain and the Power ---it shows Spider-man on his knees at a gravesite. Seemingly haunting him are the faces of that Lizard creature and also the one they call Dr. Octopus, along with a couple other unfriendly faces.

The pain and the power ...Major knows it so well. Death has so much power. The power of paralyzing anxiety, silent rage, disillusionment, agonizing despair, recurring depression, bitterness, anger ...it captures all those and more. It can crush the sturdy and the steadfast. But Major will not face the possibility of death laying claim to her brother.

She moved on to Issue #194, Never Let the Black Cat Cross Your Path ---Major recalls earlier that day, when the cat had been hanging around the house. It was just probably a stray, unwanted and neglected. How many kids grow up like that? The homeless, the runaways ...those who run away from poor homes, those who run away from themselves. What does running away solve anyway? Why did you run away, Len? You’ve got a home waiting for you and someone who loves you. Can’t you forget the past and start all over?

Issue #259, All My Pasts Remembered ---The future Len, not the past …the future. What about the future? It’s those drugs. They’re clouding the good of the past. All you see is the bad. And it’s more than a clouded reality. It’s an ugly terrifying distortion. You run from the past and live for the present. But it’s not living for the present ...it’s not even living.

205

It’s a questionable existence. An existence of reactionary response. Reacting to a picture of a distorted and misunderstood past or to a misdirected present stimuli as a result of the drug. Major doesn’t really know how to picture it, but she knows the power and the pain associated with it.

Issue #274, The Soul of the Spider ---Yes, that’s it. The drugs eat away at your very soul. Here is Spider-man on his knees, grasping his head. They break your very soul. Are the drugs doing this to you, Len?

Major is getting near the front of the box. Issue #284, Gang War ---There is a very hideous kind of character in the center of the front cover. He looks like the kind of character who could destroy your soul. And the companion to his left is Major’s nightmare ...the guy’s head is a jack-o’-lantern.
The fiendish smile. The sinister laugh. Flames leaping about.

Major gets the same panic feeling as when she had seen a similar picture in Mac’s show. Had they both been inspired by a personal experience of equally horrifying dimension, or had one artist inspired the other? It doesn’t matter ...Major is ready to expire.

She starts to perspire heavily. Her pulse begins to quicken, generating a heartbeat that echoes throughout her head. She glances towards the exit. Her vision is blurred and shifting, mixed with those vivid horrifying images. The jack-o’-lantern grins, wider and wider, flames growing hotter.

Major is getting hotter. She feels dizzy ...not enough time to map out her exit. She stumbles to the exit. She is not sure if she hears a voice call out, “Are you okay?”

She doesn’t know, but she doesn’t stop either.

206

She manages to find the exit and the fresh air. Breathing deeply, it seems to help. She also manages to get to her car, though she later is unable to remember how she got there.

She is inside her car, breathing deeply and staring down the street, unable to get the images out of her head.

Slowly, she focuses upon the reality around her. The images are no longer flashes and specks. They slow to their regular pace and take on defined forms. Major just stares at them as they walk down the street. What kind of people are they? They are strangers ...everyone is.

Major continues to observe the people who pass by. What is going on inside them? Who really knows?

Larry will probably have some explanation. Crazy Larry isn’t really so crazy. Lately he is the only real conversation she has. Major glances at the school clock tower across the street. It is time for her to leave for work.
207

XI.

Major arrives for work a few minutes early. She looks for Larry. Lately he had been waiting for her at the entrance, but he is not there. Hopefully he hadn’t tangled with Nitro Nurse again.

Major goes directly to her janitor’s closet. As she approaches her closet, she sees a picture hanging there. At that instance, she realizes why Larry had not met her when she came in. A shadow lurks near the corner of the hallway. Major smiles and glances at the bottom of the picture. Larry’s signature is clearly painted there.

A voice interrupts her glance, “Do you like it?”

She turns to see Larry step around the corner. She nods with approval, “It’s very nice.”

What was she supposed to say? It bothers her that Larry had signed his name on those other paintings ...is she supposed to be any more thrilled about a painting Larry claims is his gift to her?

Actually, Major feels a little hurt. All she wants is his gift of friendship. And this painting seems to take away from some of the honesty she had taken for granted in their relationship. Larry likes to kid around on occasion and is known to exaggerate, but he had never straight out lied to her. But he’d probably just have his laugh here, and then tell her the truth.

But Larry isn’t laughing and it doesn’t appear to be one of his acts either. Larry appears hurt, “I didn’t expect rave reviews, but how about ...it’s very nice?”

208

"Well, ....."

Major doesn’t know what to say. She looks up at the painting, having not really looked at it before, as her glance had been taken away when she noticed Larry around the corner. She had immediately checked out the signature, but had turned towards Larry, and got caught up in her thoughts.

She looks at the painting now, searching for a more appropriate comment. The painting is done with a very soft delicate caring stroke, as the others had been that Larry had laid claim to. This painting does not seem unlike the others. It is very good. But Major feels very uncomfortable thanking Larry for a lovely painting that he must have borrowed off the wall, later putting his own signature on it.

Major doesn’t want to seem pleased with that because she isn’t. But, though she doesn’t want to encourage what he did, she also doesn’t want to make an issue of it.

She quickly decides she’ll just look at the painting with an artistic eye, and pick out some unique thing about it that she can tell Larry is the reason why she likes this painting as her favorite above all the others.

It is a painting of a girl. Maybe that’s why Larry had picked this one especially for her. Maybe the girl reminds Larry of her. The girl does sort of …?

Wait!! …it is her! The girl in the painting is her!

The painting is done with such simplicity, yet such detail. On the window beside the janitor’s cart in the painting, is unmistakably a face-print ...the lips and pressed nose are clearly detailed.

209

Major feels a wave of tears welling up in her eyes. She tries to fight them off, but they come anyway. She turns to Larry, “I’m sorry. I was in a daze ...I didn’t notice. It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. I’m so sorry for doubting you.”

This is the first time she has let her feelings about Larry take the form of words. For Larry, this is the most emotion anyone had ever expressed to him. And it is the same emotion he had painted in Major’s face, but this is better ...this is real.

He had sensed that Major cared about him, but it is an unexpected bonus to hear her say he is a beautiful person. No one has ever said that to him. And she has also apologized for doubting him. Maybe she won’t think he's as crazy as everyone else seems to think. What she is really thinking and how deeply, is still a mystery to Larry, but this is a start.

His thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the voice of Nitro Nurse. As she calls his name, Larry sighs, “I’ve got to go, Major.”

Major takes a deep breath, “Thanks again Larry. And do me a favor ...don’t tangle with her.”

Major is still caught up with emotion. She doesn’t know how to quite place her feelings. Her feelings are floating somewhere, feeling sort of reminiscent. It is like borrowing a chapter out of a book …but sort of mixed around. The story had been Nicole.

210

Darin had been infatuated with Nicole. He painted a picture of her. But Darin soon realized that as he was acting out the script he himself had written, that Nicole was right about his heart being with someone else. Soon Major was the one looking into Darin’s soft eyes ...and the acting was over. The script was thrown away and they just let their true feelings carry them away.

Now, it is different. The final chapter had been written on Darin’s life. Major is trying to cope with that. She has tried to take a new perspective. She once was bursting with emotion and future dreams when her and Darin had finally come face-to-face with how much they loved each other. She had felt secure in the faith of a long happy future, no longer with guarded emotions ...until she lost Darin. That had almost fatally affected her. But now she had come to accept it. There is no faith, no future. And worst of all …no love.

Major recalls a song, trying not to choke on the lump in her throat. “Love is in the air .....“

Tears smother the song. Love can’t live in the air. It has to find residence in a person. When loving yourself and loving another person becomes one in the same thing, and is a mutual feeling, then love is beautiful. That’s what her and Darin had ...before he died.

In a way, that made it harder to deal with ...but in a way it was easier. It was harder at first, but now she is convincing herself that at least they’d had the opportunity to tell each other how they felt.

211

They had not parted on a sour note. Each had the most beautiful song in their heart. Together they made perfect harmony. But the only thing that could disrupt their song, did disrupt their song. Death took away the harmony. And Major could not carry on the song by herself.

The discord between her and her brother didn’t help either. She could look back at how good things had been before Darin died, but that feeling had not been shared with her brother. And when Len left, he had parted on a sour note.

The difference is ...Len had since left her a note, telling her how much he loved her. She had not had a chance to reconcile the less than loving exchange she had with him before he left ...and she desperately wants to tell him how much she also loves him.
Major knows that love is deeper than to deny it because of an argument or two, but still she fears that the words her brother will carry with him ...are not encouraging ones from her.
  Major refuses to consider that it may have been the last stanza. Len has to be alive.
And she can still fix the discord.

212

                            XII.



Major would normally be heading home at this hour, but tonight she has planned on dropping in at The Connection. She needs to talk with the band members.

It had been a long day. She is tired. She no more wanted to talk with the Sacred Mushrooms than she had wanted to talk with the comic book salesman and his protégé earlier that day. But Major knows she won’t be able to sleep unless she checks it out. It will be several nights before she can probably sleep again anyway. The comic books had brought to life new images of horror. And though she can tell herself they are not real, they are real to Len ...and the pain she associates with Len is real.

Major arrives at The Connection. The place is packed again tonight. According to the newspaper article, it is packed every night.

Major pays the cover charge. As soon as she is within the door, the wave catches her. A sea of people engulfs her. She tries to ride out the wave, but as she moves towards the dance floor she feels the constant pressure against her body.

Some vulture must have seen her come in the door alone. The vulture speaks, “You looking for a dance partner?”

“I’m looking for some privacy.” She has to scream just to be heard in this place.
The vulture laughs, “Hey, that’s a good one, I never heard that one before ...at least not here.”

213

The guy still presses Major, “Oh, I get it. You want privacy. We’ll get a couple drinks then go back to my place ...your place ...it doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter ...now get away from me!” The band had ended that tune abruptly, and Major’s voice can be heard easily within the crowd.

The vulture seems to want to save some face, “Hey baby, you don’t have to scream. I know what you want. And you’ll come looking for it like you always do.”

He needs to be stripped of his proud feathers, but Major isn’t interested in putting him in his place. She is only interested in getting rid of him, “You keep the candle burning if you want. But it’s not my fault if you wax old waiting.”

Major is glad the band is taking a break right now. She can get this over with and get out of here.

As the band members prepare to go back stage, Major hurries over, but is stopped by a guard.

The drummer is the last one heading off stage. Major’s interest in drums helps her remember his name. She hollers out to him, “Hey, Sid!” But she suddenly realizes that it’s a different drummer than when she had seen them last. As the drummer passes through the door at the back of the stage, Major hollers, “I’ll join you in five.”

The guard hopefully bought it. The other band members had taken girls backstage with them on the break ...the drummer is the only one who hasn’t. Major hopes the guard will assume that she is the drummer’s girl. But what is she going to do or say to help convince him of that?

214

She had hollered to the drummer that she’d join him in five minutes. She smiles at the guard. He is expressionless. The drummer has set up a tape to play while they are on break. Major figures she has to be bold, “Excuse me. I can’t entertain the crowd while the band is on break if you keep standing in my way.”

She brushes on by him and walks onto the stage. She adjusts the amplifiers.

She can’t believe she is doing this, but soon she is drumming along with the tape. She tries to get into it, but she just can’t. She seems to have lost it. But she figures that most of the crowd is probably drunk by now and won't be as critical as she is. She figures they are into intense, so she cranks the volume and beats the drums furiously.

It seems to be working. The crowd thinks it's part of the act. Major glances over at the guard. He’s still not smiling, but he seems to be wobbling slightly with the beat. Now, if only the band doesn’t get wind of what is going on.

Major finishes up the song with all the intensity she has left in her. She stands and takes a bow as the crowd applauds loudly.

Major adjusts the amplifiers back, as the tape continues to the next song. She carries the drumsticks with her to the edge of the stage. She hands them to the guard, “Here, hold these for me until I get back.”

The guard appears less than honored, but he takes them and nods, releasing the automatic door lock.

It worked! Major can't believe she'd actually pulled it off.

215

But she doesn't feel good about what she has just done. Like so many, she had allowed herself to get caught up in what she had so desperately wanted ...and had acted as though the end justifies the means. She staunchly objects to a society that makes that their motto. She firmly believes it is wrong. But now she has broken one of her own rules …and that makes her no better than the rest.

She desperately wants to find Len, and she'd let that emotion control the moment. She should have been patient and waited for the proper opportunity. But this crowd somehow drives you to be impatient. It applauds those who act uncharacteristically. And she hates that …that she had acted just like them.

Major always did hate crowds. She doesn’t particularly like having to confront the band either, but she is soon to do that very thing.

Major strolls through the door leading to a long corridor. She hesitates ever so slightly, but then begins to run the length of the corridor. There are several side doors in the long corridor, but only the one at the end of the corridor is a metal door like the one she had just passed through. It is a security door.

Major completes her sprint, stopping a few feet before that end door. She shouldn’t really be doing this. She should turn back. Her thoughts are interrupted by a faint buzz.

Instinctively, she quickly strides the last few feet. She grabs the door knob with one hand as the other hand slams against the door frame, bracing herself to prevent a sudden collision with the door.

Got it! She holds the door open a mere inch. Her hand trembles as she places her foot against the door to make certain it won’t shut on her.

216

What difference does it make? It was a dumb plan …and she's trapped now. If she enters, she's trapped. If she turns back, she's trapped between the two doors.

Her heart is beating rapidly. She peers into the hallway. Dumb plan or not, might as well proceed. She enters the hallway, letting go of the door. The hallway runs perpendicular to the corridor she has just passed through. Major half-expects to hear another faint buzz and is prepared to run in either direction. She listens closely but hears nothing.

There are several doors in this hallway. She hears voices several doors down. She should have listened to the voice of reason and not got into this mess …but here goes! She moves slowly in the direction of the voices. One of the doors is not completely shut.

She finds herself just outside the door, driven by her mission to discover some clues about Len. It looks like there are apartments here. The band possibly lives right here. She listens carefully.
Maybe she'll hear them talking of some drug connection. It’s not uncommon for bands to be involved in drugs. Especially with a name like Sacred Mushrooms.

Major listens. She hears a kiss, then the guy speaks, “Here, I want you to go out and buy yourself a nice rock.”
Major wonders whether rock means diamond. Rock has several meanings …one of which is a drug term.
Suddenly a door opens behind her. Major freezes. It is too late to run. And that would only make it worse anyway.

217

She tries to regain her composure. She had come here to talk with the band and she is about to get her chance. But she doesn’t exactly have an invite and that can hinder her chances of finding any answers to her questions. She will probably be busy answering how it is that she got in here.
As a wine cart is wheeled into the hall, the wheels are also turning in Major’s head. Her eyes meet those of the lead singer who comes to the door. She doesn’t give him a chance to speak, “I can explain.”

He stands silently in the doorway. Major knows it's coming, but to what degree? She’ll probably have to do jail time. She deserves it. She has no right to be here. The lead singer begins to smile. It isn’t bad enough that she’ll have to do jail time, this guy is going to enjoy it.

Major. How’ve ya been?”

Major stands silent, in disbelief. This guy doesn’t even seem concerned over how she got in here. He doesn’t seem to care. He seems happy to see her. Major can’t believe he even remembers her. The contest had been just a little publicity stunt and that was a couple years ago. But wait! …this fits in with the possibility that Len had been hanging out with these guys. Maybe Len had talked about her a time or two and that’s why he remembers her.

He seems disappointed with her hesitation, “Okay, you haven’t been. What is it then ...you looking for work?” He begins to whisper, “That new drummer we got aint half what you are.” He sizes up Major. His smile broadens, “Want the job, Major?”

218

Suddenly a girl comes out of the room and sizes up Major curiously. The girl presses her shoulder against his back and hugs his arm with both of hers, as if to mark her territory. He turns to her momentarily, “Hey babe, one more break and I’m all yours. But I got business to talk. I’ll be on stage in five. Wait for me out there, will ya?”

“Sure, Ace.” He gives her a quick peck, but before he can draw back she pulls him towards her and smothers him with kisses.

As she departs, Ace invites Major in. Major’s frustration and anger has more or less been effectively suppressed until now ...but the enemy is before her at last.

Major considers whether this guy is the one to blame for Len’s misery. Len had been sucked into the lifestyle of these burn-out types. And Major is also going through quite a bit of misery herself because of guys like this. His type has caused the division between she and her brother. She is angry and hurt.

Ace is trying to be the perfect host, “Here, let’s sit down. Can I fix you a drink?”
But Major is not like the host of other girls Ace has probably invited in here, “No, I don’t drink.”

She continues to stand.

Ace takes a hit off a joint that had been smoking in an ashtray, “You look tense. Here, take a hit.”
He holds out the joint.

Major is tense. She looks Ace right in the eye, “I didn’t come here for that.”

“Oh, you want something more sophisticated? Why didn’t you say so? Ice, moon rock, speedball, crank, bosco, P—funk ...you name it, I got it. I got the old, I got the new. So, what’ll it be?”

219

Major doesn’t answer. Her eyes just continue to penetrate him.

Ace takes another hit, then finishes off the cocktail that had been sitting near the ashtray, “Okay, I get it. You came here on business. First things first. You want the drummer job, it’s yours.”

“I want to know where Len is.”

Ace looks confused, “Len?”

“Yeah, Len. Don’t play dumb with me.”

“I’m not trying to play dumb with you ...it’s just that I haven’t seen Len in a couple of weeks. What happened with you guys …I thought you guys were close?”

He’d just admitted seeing Len a couple weeks ago. Major is furious, “So, he comes here and you treat him like a kid in a candy shop ...but you have no idea where he is or how he is. If something happens to him, I’m holding you responsible.” She wants to scare Ace, “And unless you help me find him, I’m going to call the cops.”

“You don’t want to do that. If you want to help your brother, keep the blue out of it. I’ll be straight with you. Yeah, Len and I did a lot of drugs together, but Len was going too far. I tried to get him to slow down. Then he did something real stupid. Your brother went to the cops and led them to a drug den. He told the cops to wait until he got in, then they could do their thing. Well, when the fuzz came busting in, the dog attacked. Len hadn't warned them of the dog. The dog took the first bullet. This guy called Goliath tried to blast the heat, but his piece misfired. Goliath was still giving the heat all they could handle. Meanwhile, Len took off through a back window with the stash. He came here to sell me the stash ...and tell me all about it."

220

"I suppose he sold it to you real cheap too. So what piece of advice did you give him?" "I told him he was crazy. Now he’ll have the heat after him as well as the drug lords. He wouldn’t listen to me. He took off ...I don’t know where. That’s the last I’ve seen of him …honest.”

Major is even more furious. She raises her tone accusingly, “So you’re telling me you used Len as your runner?”

Ace plops down on the overstuffed sofa, holding his head in his hand. His voice begs understanding, “No. I don’t ask people to bring me drugs …they just do. It’s their way of feeling a part of all this.”

Major doesn’t know if Ace is telling the truth, but he seems suddenly void of that aloof air about him. Major tones down a bit. She’ll get further by being less accusing anyway, “A part of what?”

“A part of the life here. A part of the dream. They love us here. Everyone feels special hanging out here.”

Ace sees the tear gathering in Major’s eye. She is softening. He is a real ace at doing this. Just like with his music …he loves pumping up the crowd, then softening them until they are ready to melt in his hand. He is a professional. There is no one better than him at it. He continues, “I miss having Len around. He was a blast. He talked in cartoon voices. He’d hold a three-way conversation with himself. He was the villain, the victim, and the hero ...all in one. He was so funny.”

“Yeah, real funny.” Major is fuming.

221

Ace had thought she was softening, but the bitterness is layered. Ace decides to sing another tune. He tries to strike a note of sympathy, “Hey, I know what you must be going through. Len told me about the hard family life you guys had. But don’t think you are the only ones that have been shaken by hard times. I don’t even know who my dad is. From what I hear, I doubt my mom knows who my dad is. Some stranger out there is my old man. But mom might as well of been a stranger too. I see her once in a while if I go out on my yacht. I’ll hear someone hollerin’ at me from another yacht and there will be mom waving. The water is her life. She’s like a turtle. She came inland to lay her eggs, and instinctively we were supposed to find our way to the water I suppose ...and be just like her. Isn’t that what kids are supposed to be ...just like their parents? Well, maybe I am in a way. I’m just like them in that I don’t want to face responsibility ...and I don’t want to face who I am. I’m a kid who had to make it on his own, without any parents around. I’m doing real well here and might seem to have made it in a big way, but no matter how hard I try I can’t heal the scars from when I was a kid. I felt unloved and I still feel that way. Sure the crowd loves me, but do they really love me? They don’t even know who I am. I don’t even know who I am. But I have to avoid thinking about it. The only happiness I get is feeling like I am in control. And I’m on top of the world when I'm up on stage. I control this crowd.”

Major nearly shouts, “Who controls you?”

Ace barks in defense, “I control who I am.”

“Then why do you take the drugs?”

222

“Because they help me realize who I am. I can feel things. I can create. I can be somebody. Come on Major, haven’t you ever felt like you wanted to be somebody?”

“What’s wrong with who I am?”

“Look at you. You don’t look happy to me.”

Major painfully admits to her own unhappiness, “Partly thanks to you. Guys like you really mess up a world.”

“If your world is depression and grief. I guess maybe I should apologize for not realizing you want that kind of world. But please don’t dump on me if I want to feel alive.”

“You call that being alive?”

“Yeah, you saw me on stage. Have you ever seen anyone more alive?”

“Have you ever seen the other side, Ace? Have you ever faced the denial, the deceit? Have you ever seen the death?”

“Yeah, I’ve seen death.” Ace runs his fingers back through his hair. He takes a long deep breath,

“Our drummer. We kept it from the media. He was on drugs. No one in the band felt comfortable saying anything to him about the way he was pushing himself. We were hot and wanted to keep it that way. No one could slam those skins like him. But his insides were taking a major beating as well. The drugs ate away at his lungs and his kidneys. He didn’t notice the diminishing effects because all the drugs he was taking masked all that. Then one day his system just shut down.”

Ace opens up a capsule and pours it into a glass, mixing himself another drink. “The drummer we have now just doesn’t cut it. We just haven’t been the same since Sid died.”

223

“How about you, Ace ...don’t you wonder if that might happen to you some day?”

“Sure. I was wondering that when I was a young kid. Too bad mom didn’t think on it. But I learned we all have to look out for ourselves. I have my life, you have yours. Len has his own life. Live your life Major. Why you killing yourself over him anyway? Let him deal with it ...it’s his life.”

“Like you say, I have to deal with my own life.”

Ace nods, “Yeah.” He downs his drink in one long gulp. “But I can’t deal with being like you, Ace. I just can't stand idly by, watching someone throw away their life. It’s not me having my life and Len having his. When you love someone, it’s our life.”

“There’s such a thing as burying yourself, in lost causes.”

“Loving someone is never a lost cause.”

“You want to kill yourself looking for Len, go ahead. But if you find him you may find you’re unable to help him. Soon you may be too tired to fight and too afraid to risk losing him. And one day you may find yourself giving up and joining in just like the rest of us.”

“Never!”

“You know the cliché: If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”

“Never!”

“Does that mean you don’t even want to think about joining the band? We could really use you. Think about it.”

Major is already heading for the door.

224

                             XIII.



Major heads straight for the police station. Ace had told her that if she wants to help Len, to keep them out of it. He said this time Len had gone too far.

As far as Major is concerned, anyone who messes with drugs has gone too far. Len had double-crossed the cops, but worse than that he'd set up Goliath. The drug lords would be looking for Len, and would probably find him before the cops did.

Major knows she should have told the police before it had gotten to this. Reporting her very own brother may seem unforgivable, but by not doing what she knows she has to do …she wouldn’t be able to forgive herself. It doesn’t get any tougher than this. But she would rather have a brother that hates her than no brother at all. Hate can always change ...death can’t.

Major walks into the police station. She doesn’t tell them about Ace. She tells them she is Len’s sister and she wants to know if they know anything.

She wants them to tell her the place where Len had put the slip on them. She says she knows Len's ways and maybe she can find some clues that they perhaps missed.

That doesn’t go over real well with the men in blue. They assure her that they are doing their best and they’d appreciate a call if she hears anything from her brother ...who had lied to them about who he was.

225

As Major turns to leave, tears blur her vision. Are they doing their best, or is Len just another case to them? Don’t they understand that this isn't just another case to her? This is her brother! Or perhaps she does understand. Len had been so bold as to double-cross them ...they probably don’t care what happens to him.

She starts down the hallway, when a voice calls out, “Where're you hurrying off to?”

She turns around. She does her best to focus. It is a lady in blue. Major forces the words through her tears, “I don’t know.”

“Well, I’m due to do my rounds. Thought I’d cruise by some all-night restaurant and get a bite to eat. You look like you could use some sleep, but I gather you probably won’t be able to sleep much anyway, so how about joining me?”

Major nods, still trying to control her tears.

“By the way, they call me Gus. I know that’s a guy’s name, but hey, they say this is a guy’s job. That’s not my real name, but that’s what I go by. What’s your name again?”

“Major.”

226

Soon the sun rises on a new day. But the pain just seems to drag on.

Gus pries on a board with a crowbar, “I really shouldn’t be doing this for you, you know. The men are right. You won’t find any clues in here. I went through this place myself.” Gus pries on the last board, “I didn’t bring you here because I thought it’d help you find Len. I just thought you might need to come to grips with what your brother has become. And it might help if you don’t try to blame yourself or anyone else. Maybe you’ll be able to accept what has happened to your brother. That’s why I brought you here.”

“You talk like I’m visiting his gravesite. Is that it? Is there something you’re not telling me? Did you already find Len?”

“No, but I just hope the drug lords haven’t found him, either. Sooner or later they do seem to catch up with you. If they don’t, the drugs will!”

Major’s voice is panicky, “You mean if he’s still alive, he won’t be for long?”

“You won’t last long, if you don’t stop torturing yourself.”

Major’s quaking voice begs, “I want to know what you meant. Do you think my brother is still alive? Give it to me straight, I can handle it.” Major nearly drowns her words with tears. She can’t handle it …more tears just come.

227

"I don't think you'll find your brother." Gus removes the last board, then hesitates before opening the door, “I’m sorry if I'm being evasive with you. What I mean by saying you won't find your brother, is that the brother you had is, in no uncertain terms, no longer alive. When he got into drugs he began killing the person that you knew as your brother. The drugs took over his body. There is a person out there that looks like your brother, but he’s not. I’ve seen people crushed with disbelief over what drugs had done to their loved ones.”

Major chokes on her tears, “But he’s still my brother.”

She had seen Len change. He hadn’t been himself, but he is still her brother. “He is still my brother,” she cries out silently this time, the words echoing throughout her head, sending shockwaves throughout her whole body.

Major tries to control the trembling, but can’t. What is Gus trying to say? Of course she expects Len to have gotten worse ...if he is still taking drugs, he can’t be getting better. But Gus is implying that the drugs have taken over Len’s very soul. And she can't accept that. She is certain Len is the one who returned her drums. She is just as certain he's the one who had taken them, but he got them back. And he wrote her that letter afterwards. It's not like Gus says it is! Len is alive …he just has to be!

Gus opens the door and the whole room breathes death. The smell of decomposing elements, blood and urine overwhelm her.

Major’s insides scream out. The room seems to cry with laughter, as if death is an amusing game. Major wants to run as fast as she can away from this place.

228

She feels trapped. The room is ready to consume her. The dirt, the syringes, and rusted pipes. Filthy rags align themselves, marking the perimeter of the room. Broken rusty needles and other assorted residue are scattered about the stinking and bloodstained floor, creating an image of a multitude of open graves.

Gus tells Major that several bodies were laid out here when the police had busted in. Major does not have to be told more. She visualizes this Goliath character playing the role of the wicked doctor. They bed down where they can while Goliath makes his rounds prescribing the deadly medications. The horror Major feels is beyond description.

Major brings back to memory the young man who the ambulance had delivered to the hospital not that long ago. She wonders if he had been found in a death bed such as this. She can still see the excruciating pain that young man was going through. That image comes to life in this room and duplicates itself, filling the entire floor with souls crying out in hopeless and endless torment.

Major shakes her head and rubs her eyes, her face streaked with tears. She imagines that Len is here too, crying out to her. But there is no one here …only Gus and herself.

The silence brings hopelessness. Penetrating the cruel silence that stabs at Major’s heart, are the walls all about her. The walls cry out. They hold their own story.
229

Selected verse from “The Sounds of Silence” brings new dimension to the words of Simon and Garfunkel:

Hello darkness my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again.
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seed while I was sleeping.
And the vision that was planted in my brain,
Still remains . . . .

In restless dreams I walk alone . . . .
...I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash
of a neon light, . . . .

And in the naked light I Saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,

“Fools!” said I, “You do not know,
Silence like a cancer grows.
…take my arms that I might reach you.”
But, my words like silent raindrops fell . . . .

Major falls down to her knees. Her whole body shakes amid unrestrained tears.

Gus walks over to her, and kneels beside her. Gus puts her arms around Major, "I’m sure Len left to spare you all of this. I had no right to say what I said. I'm sure your brother really loves you."

230

  XIV.

She passes by the local news building.

She slows down, then turns her car around.

She parks right in front of the building, then strolls in through the front door.

Major is greeted by a lady who looks like she has a nose for news, “May I help you?”

“I’d like to place an announcement in the classifieds.” Major has to repeat that to three different people before she gets the person she needs.

Major doesn’t have the ad printed up yet, but she has already thought about what she wants to say. She prints carefully:
Len, ...Sorry, I didn’t understand what
you were going through. We can
get through this thing.

I love you, Len. Please come home,
I miss you. —— Maggie.

Why would Len be looking through a newspaper? He's never read one before. What would Len, in the state of mind she fears he is in, do with a newspaper? Maybe he is sleeping under a newspaper …and her note would be right under his nose.

231

This whole thing is insane. But maybe that’s why she thinks there is a chance he might read it.

Major pays them to run the ad through the week. It doesn’t make sense really, but then again what does? It doesn’t make sense that Len had gotten into drugs in the first place. There is so much publicity out about the ill effects of drugs that everyone should have gotten the message by now. Some reports have said that the publicity is working and drug use is decreasing drastically. Some reports state that there is no change.

Major doesn’t really know what report is more accurate. But she hopes that a decreasing number of people out there are suffering. And she hopes there aren’t many that are feeling the pain that she is.

She thinks about what Ace had said. She thinks of what Gus had said. Ace said she was killing herself over her brother, and Gus said she had to come to grips with it all.

Major tries to imagine what Larry would say if he knew what she was going through. He would probably say that she is not doing herself well in tormenting herself with something she has no control over at this time. He’d tell her not to personalize it, feel guilty, or take it to heart the way Len is acting. He’d say she has to come to grips with the fact that under the present circumstances she's done all she can do; and for the time being she will have to cope with the reality of the situation, and try to keep her life together the best she can. She’d have to be healthy, strong, and well-rested if she expects to help him, and at the same time not destroy herself.

232

Major feels she really needs Larry’s support during this time. She buys a newspaper on her way out, heading for work. She’ll be early, but she wants to talk with Larry a little before work.

She thinks about telling Larry what she's been going through. She really needs a friend that she can share the important things in her life with. But she knows she can’t do that with the clientele.
When she stops to think about it, she really doesn’t know anything about Larry’s past. But she does know he has his share of problems. And she knows her purpose is the same as all the workers ...she is to help the clientele, not tell them of her problems.

She knows she can’t share her problems with Larry, but she is anxious to see him anyway. She realizes that just having someone there to talk to has been a real comfort to her ...even if they don’t share any deep dark secrets.

She takes a side street as a small shortcut to work. Traveling so far to work, anything that shaves off a minute or two is worth it. She is preoccupied with her thoughts of Larry and she is not prepared for what is ahead. She is almost upon it before it gets her attention.

There is a house ahead that has a lot of cars parked out in front of it. People are going in and out of the house. Major immediately wonders whether someone is dealing drugs inside. It seems awfully bold if someone is dealing drugs in the neighborhood in broad daylight, but at this point nothing seems to surprise her.

233

She gets her hopes up again, and wonders if Len can possibly be here. Then she sees the sign. It is another art exhibit. This is near the street where Mac had set up before, but this time it appears someone has allowed him to set up the exhibit in their home. According to the posted time on the sign, the show is just beginning and these people are the first to arrive.

Major realizes what had happened again. Most every thought she has is somehow centered around Larry, Len, or drugs. She imagines once again what advice Larry would give her ...she is tormenting herself and will have to change that if she plans to survive it all. And Larry is right. She is so much preoccupied with Len’s problems that it is ruining her life too.

Major is already thinking irrationally. She doesn’t want to be a typical paranoid person, allowing undesirable circumstances to dictate her actions as well as her thoughts. She has not been coping well with the reality of the situation. She has been living at the extremes.

She has been too naive. After Len had left, she had become increasingly suspicious about every aspect of life. She had not felt very secure. But now, where she finds most of her security is an area everyone else usually avoids, because of the insecurities they feel associated with it ...that is at the hospital. Major feels secure here. Maybe it is because she knows what to expect here. She can’t say the same for the rest of the world.

234

Larry in particular, gives her a very secure feeling. Everyone else just seems to think he is crazy, but she feels more comfortable around him than she does anyone else. She feels she knows Larry.

On the other hand, she feels she doesn’t know the rest of the world or what to expect from them.

Major feels she knows Larry so well now that she will often tell herself what he would say in a given circumstance. This is one of those times. Larry would have helped her out. She is so out of touch with what is going on that she hasn’t even realized what time of year it is.

She glances down at the newspaper on the seat beside her as she parks the car. Thanksgiving is only a couple days away ...and she hasn’t even acknowledged it.

The headlines read clearly. Snow flurries are predicted. She had wondered why Mac is having his show indoors. It is obvious to her now. She is thinking clearer. It will be a struggle, but she has to make sure she doesn’t allow her circumstances to get the best of her again.

Major debates whether she should stop. She quickly decides she will just stop long enough to tell Mac she has not done any of his paintings.

Mac lights up when he sees her. She hands him the sketch book and tells him she just hasn’t been able to get into it. Mac’s smile fades quickly. He hadn’t been very successful either. He was unable to find Estie. He did get a chance to break in his new boat, but he really wanted to impress Estie with it …it seems.

235

Major is anxious to get out of here. She is eager to get to work.

As she pulls into the parking lot at the hospital, she feels herself relax slightly. She knows Larry will be waiting for her. Larry always greets her with a smile, and she looks forward to it. It appears it is the only thing she looks forward to.

Major is not greeted immediately. She heads straight for the janitor’s closet. She smiles as she looks at the picture Larry had painted of her. She continues to smile as she gets her cart out. She expects Larry to appear out of nowhere at any moment. Maybe Larry has another surprise for her.

As she passes the nursing station, she gets a surprise ...but it is one she hadn’t expected. She glances at the television monitor that is rigged up at the nursing station. It gives a clear picture of the rubber room. And the monitor shows that the room is not empty. There is a body in the room!

Her heart sinks. She can’t tell who it is, but she's sure it is Larry. What had he done now? He’d been doing so good ...and now this!

Major fumes at the thought of what Nitro Nurse had done to him. She is sure that Nitro is responsible for what had happened.

Major quietly moves on down the hallway towards the rubber room. She gets out her glass cleaner and touches up everything she can along the way. As she reaches the rubber room, she feels her body tense up.

She sprays the small window. She peers inside as she wipes the streaks away. Without a doubt …it is Larry!

236

He is lying there motionless. Major stares to see if she can see him breathing. There is no way they can see if he is breathing from that monitor in the nursing station. How long has it been since they last checked him?

Major sprays the doorknob. As she polishes it, she finds it to be locked. She presses her nose against the glass and stares hard. She thinks there's some shallow breathing ...or is it because she wants to see that? It is so hard to tell …this is absolutely maddening.

Major thinks of Nitro again. What did she do to poor Larry?

A voice booms from behind her, “Lookin’ fer someone?”

It startles Major. Her entire body presses against the door, reacting to the sudden booming voice behind her. Her nose takes the brunt of the force against the observation window.

She freezes for a second, then quickly tries to gain composure. She raises her dust cloth to wipe clean the smudge. She feels her nose tingle. It feels slightly numb. She rubs her nose lightly, and notices a slight trickle of blood.

She turns to move on with her cart, pretending to have not heard the voice. She manages to look out of the corner of her eye. He is still standing there.

237

He moves over in front of her, rephrasing his previous statement, “Wonderin’ bout yer friend?”

He doesn’t wait for a response. He seems anxious to tell Major about it. “Talkin' crazy …some wild things on the fourth floor. Nurse got 'em though. Big surprise! He thought she gone home. Big surprise though …with big needle! Nurse say he stay long time.”

He continues to stand there, staring at Major. He repeats with a sickening smile, “Long time!”

Major is nervous about the way he continues to just stand there.

He finally speaks again, “You need friend?”

Major is frightened. Usually the guys stay clear of her. Maybe that is because they are afraid of Crazy Larry. But with Larry locked up, this guy asks to be her new friend.

How can she blame him? Everyone here needs a friend. Maybe they are a bit envious of the attention she'd been giving Larry ...but they hadn’t shown it before. All they normally seem to care about is the boxing and wrestling they watch on that TV, along with a few Creature Features.

Major doesn’t like the way this creature is staring at her. She glares at him, “I need to get back to work.”

She hurriedly tries to push her cart around the creature, but he steps in the same direction as she does, blocking her way. She turns the other way and he steps in front of her again. It reminds her of those ridiculous wrestling matches where they stalk each other around the ring. And she doesn’t like the look in his eyes.

Major quickly turns the cart around and blurts out in frustration, “What’s the matter with you?”

238

She doesn’t want a psychiatric opinion on what is the matter with him ...she just wants him out of the way. But still he doesn't move!

Major gives him what he wants. She looks right into his eyes. But she doesn't say what he wants to hear. She nearly screams, "If you don't get out of the way, I'll tell Nitro Nurse …and you'll be in a worse way than Larry."

At that, he steps out of her way.

Major is thankful for that, but disappointed with herself for how she'd handled it. She can't believe she'd voiced an alliance with Nitro Nurse. But the truth is, she is not just a janitor. She is someone who works here, and Nitro Nurse is responsible for everyone's safety.

Major hurries back to the nursing station. She is disappointed for allowing herself to be pushed past her limits. She had been up all last night ...between stopping by The Connection, the police station, then on a hunt with Gus to find clues as to the whereabouts of Len. She’d had worse nights, but that was just after Darin died. She had almost given up that day at the cemetery. But from that day on she had vowed never to give up again.

Major is frightened of the feelings stirring up inside her. She feels like giving up again ...but she knows she won’t. What really frightens her is how Larry feels ...and Len. She loves her brother so much. Does he know it? Or has he given up on life?

She doesn’t want to accept the fact that Len may be dead. First Darin, ...then Len? How can she accept that? She can’t!

239

Grandma had said that accepting death is the key to life. Major was not ready to accept that concept. She doubts she’ll ever be able to accept what happened to Darin. And she can’t accept the possibility of losing her brother.

Major fights furiously to change circumstances she has no present control over ...circumstances of the past. She has to give up on trying to change that which she can’t and concentrate on the opportunities that come her way. That is the key to living a life without getting dragged down with the rest of them …without being conquered by circumstances.

Major transfers all that emotion. But it only compounds the problem. She thinks of Larry. She thinks of how deathly still he has been within that room.

She wants to go back to see if Larry has moved at all. She hadn’t had a good look because that creature had startled her. Major considers reporting the creature. It would guarantee that none of the patients would get in her way again ...but that would mean all of them, including Larry. She doesn’t want it that way. She wants to talk with Larry. She has to talk with Larry. He just has to be okay.

240

Major is exhausted. She doesn’t know how she has made it through the day. She had performed her duties like a robot. Her energy is completely drained.

She sits in her car after driving all the way home. She debates sleeping here. The distance from her car to her house is only a few steps, but it seems like miles away to her. She doesn’t know how she always manages to go on.

Somehow Major musters up enough energy, once again lifting her tired body out of the car. She knows she’ll fall asleep quickly tonight. But she also knows the nightmares will awaken her. There hasn’t been a night since Darin’s death that her sleep hasn’t been interrupted.

241                 XV.



Major feels a wetness. It is strange. Her body is not wet, as many times it would be, drenched in sweat after awakening from one of those dreadful nightmares. Only her face is wet. Only one cheek is wet.

Major feels wet flesh touch her cheek again. She jerks her head back, snapping her eyes open. It's a cat!

A cat is licking her face. It's the cat she had found in Huck’s doghouse the other day.

Suddenly Major feels the hardness of the floor under her. She is lying on the floor just inside the door. She had succeeded in making it inside the house, but hadn’t found the energy to go any further apparently …before collapsing on the floor.

She looks back. She had left the door open.

Her senses are awakening, and she hears the heater going. She quickly gets up to close the door. It had gotten rather cold last night. But that is expected for this time of year. This certainly isn’t going to look good on her heating bill.

But right now she doesn’t care. She is thinking of the pit in her stomach. She feels alone and abandoned.

Reality does not allow itself to be taken lightly. Reality releases no prisoners ...it leaves no escape.

242

She has witnessed death, tortured herself with the possibility of another, and now clings to a friendship with a guy who is clinically diagnosed as having the most hopeless of psychiatric conditions. Somehow she has found stability in the unstable. Is this a sign that she has already bottomed out? Has she lost it too?

Larry is in that rubber room. She had absolutely no one to talk with to relieve her stress. Major glances over at the cat, “I guess we have something in common. You don’t seem to have anyone either.”

Major gets out a dish of water for the cat. As the cat takes to the water, Major gets an old blanket and tosses it in the corner. “I guess you can sleep here for a couple days ...until your owner comes looking for you. I’m sure they really miss you.”

243   XVI.

Major doesn’t feel like she would be missed. She used to feel she was being useful at work. She had smiled, and acted the role, for the benefit of the clientele. Then after she met Larry, the smiling became easier. Soon she didn’t have to act. She actually enjoyed Larry’s company.

But lately she doesn't find herself smiling. Larry isn’t smiling. He is still locked up and appears to be drugged to a state of minimal existence.

Major feels like her life is one of minimal existence too. She has to admit that her being nice to Larry had begun as part of her goal of helping people. But later it became more than just part of her positive attitude. It was more than her feeling good about herself through helping others. She realizes now how she really feels about Larry. Without him things just aren’t the same. She can’t even fake like she is enjoying work.

It terrifies her to see Larry lying there, just staring at the ceiling ...or just sitting in the corner with them forcing baby food type substances into his mouth.

Major hates Nitro Nurse. What had she done to him?

244                                                                         XVII.


“What have they done to you? What have they done to you to make you run away from home?” That’s what Major asks her new roommate. But her roommate doesn’t answer. He just continues to lie curled up on her bed, looking at her through half-closed eyes.

Major recalls what she'd said about running away. Len had run away. But though she had thought she'd done something to cause him to leave, she now accepts the fact that it was the drugs. She is no longer laying a guilt-trip on herself.

She fights back the tears. She wishes she had known her brother had a drug problem. Maybe she could have helped him. But it appears she is too late. It is doubtful Len is even alive. Each day seems to drive another additional nail into his coffin, sealing off the chance of any hope.

Major cannot stop thinking of Larry either. And each additional day is worse. What will happen to Larry? What kind of drugs are they giving him? Will he ever be the same?

245

Major looks at the cat lying on her bed, “Do you ever worry about the other cats in the world? Or do you only think about yourself?”

Major contemplates what she'd just said, as the cat stares at her. “Well, maybe you don’t think about the other cats in the world, but I bet you worry about the dogs in the neighborhood ...and for good reason. One probably chased you into my house. Feared for your life, didn’t you?”

Major sighs deeply, “Why is it that you animals never give up on life? I’ve never seen a cat yet that doesn’t run from a vicious dog. Cats don’t inflict injury upon themselves …why do humans? You seem content to have food to eat and a place to sleep ...why can’t we be more like that?”

Major leans forward, staring into the cat’s eyes. “You have to learn to be content with sleeping in your own bed though.”

Major picks up the cat and sets him down on the floor on the blanket reserved for him. “Why is it so hard for you to remember that this is your bed?”

Major strokes him gently across the head, “Maybe you seem a little selfish, but thinking of yourself is better than not thinking about yourself at all. I need to be more like you, content with having a place to stay and food to eat. I need to stop talking to a cat!”

Major walks to her bed, dropping facedown on it. "Am I going insane?" She rolls over on her back, “I don’t know, am I?” Clasping her hands behind her head, “First, I’m talking to a cat. Now I’m talking to myself.”

Major sits up, her elbows on her knees, her face in her palms. “Okay, this clinches it. I’m crazy.”

Major takes a coin and spins it on her wooden floor. She smiles, watching the cat paw at the coin as it spins. "How about you? Do you think I'm crazy? A penny for your thoughts!"

246

                 XVIII.

Major feels like giving her two cents worth to Nitro Nurse, but that wouldn’t make any sense. Nitro would probably just keep Larry in there longer if she did try to say something. She’d probably just drug Larry up some more.

Nitro is the type of nurse who doesn’t like anyone telling her what to do. And she certainly wouldn’t listen to the janitor. Major had seen Nitro in action. If someone complained to her, they usually got more of what they were complaining about.

Once again, Major feels helpless. It infuriates her. Every time she sees Nitro Nurse, her blood starts to boil. Fortunately, Nitro isn’t around much lately. But it is bad enough just thinking about her ...and being reminded of what she's done to Larry.

Major tries to fight off an especially difficult time this evening. She has tried to be more positive. Lately, on her way to work, she has been trying to rehearse how good her life still is. She also tries to imagine that Larry is released from the rubber room and that he's the same as he used to be.

She practices saying to herself, “Yes, you’re doing much better today.” But once again she finds this not to be true. Her bid on positive thinking isn’t working. It just makes her more negative when each day her expectations are riddled with disappointment.

247

Is she setting herself up with these unrealistic expectations? Maybe she’d be better to expect the worst and then be surprised when things go well. But how can she prepare for the worst? If Larry was any worse, he’d be dead. And Major certainly isn’t prepared to accept that. She has to continue to have hope. But it will be difficult.

Her cat probably senses that things are not going all that well. The tension shows in most of Major's mannerisms. She hides it at work, but the cat has the distinct advantage of seeing her when she isn’t conscious of what she is doing or saying ...the cat sees her when she is asleep.

Major heads for bed as soon as she gets home from work each night. She usually finds the cat on her bed and gently picks the cat up and puts him down on his blanket in the corner of the room.

The cat then witnesses Major falling asleep. Major’s bed soon transforms into a combat zone. The cat quickly learns that Major’s bed is a private battleground. And the cat decides that it doesn’t want to get involved.

This evening the cat seems to be in a rebellious mood. The cat is back on Major’s bed. But this evening Major doesn’t go straight for her bed. For some reason she breaks her pattern and goes to the refrigerator.

Major gets out a head of lettuce and begins gnawing on it. She holds the lettuce head in one hand as she takes a handful of dry cat food with the other. She drops the cat food in the cat’s dish, waiting for the cat to appear.

248

Major paces around the room. Had the cat taken off on her too? Couldn’t have ...there is no way out. If there was though, would the cat leave just like Dad ...Len ...and Ted? Everyone in this home had chosen to leave. Is she that hard to get along with?

Major continues to pace around the room, holding up the lettuce head to mouth another chunk. Just as she crunches down on it, she sees the cat out of the corner of her eye. The cat is sleeping on her bed again. And as she crunches the lettuce, the cat half-opens its eyes with a look of disgust.

Major raises her eyebrows and arms at the same time, holding the lettuce head in the air, “Excuse me, it bugs me when you lick yourself, okay?”

The cat leaps from the bed, startled by Major’s loud voice. Major is startled also as the cat leaps. She drops the lettuce head. The lettuce head rolls across the floor and lands right in the middle of the cat’s food dish.

Major resumes her usual soft tone, “I guess if we are going to live together, we have to learn to share.”

The cat peers from underneath the chair towards the lettuce head sitting in its food dish. Suddenly the cat turns its head towards the door.

Major listens. Then she hears what suddenly got the cat’s attention. It is coming from outdoors. It sounds like singing.

249

Yes, it is singing that she hears. It sounds like Christmas carols. Major hadn’t even realized that Christmas was near. That’s how much in touch with reality she is.

She muses, what is reality anyway? Reality is all the events that have happened to her over the past several months, not events recorded on a calendar. It doesn’t matter to her what time of year it is. She doesn’t need a calendar to tell her when she is supposed to be happy. She’ll be happy when there is something to be happy about. It is too false for her to get into the holiday spirit when she can’t find anything in her life to celebrate about.

Grandma would have shamed her for that kind of thinking. Christmas is about Jesus …and there is nothing more worth celebrating, except perhaps the resurrection. That's what Grandma would have said. And Grandma always insisted that everyone get together for Christ's birthday.

But with grandma gone, it doesn’t seem to matter that it is almost Christmas. It doesn’t seem to matter much to Ted either. She doesn’t even know what country in Europe Ted is presently in, so she can’t write him. Yet, there is still time for Ted to write. Maybe he will surprise her and write ...after all, it is that time of year.

Doubt soon overcomes those hopes though. He hasn’t written at all since he’d been over there, why would she expect him to write now? Just because it is the biggest family holiday of the year, why would that matter?

250

It is clear to her. She doesn’t have a family anymore. She speaks aloud, “Why don’t you write? I’m not good enough for you ...that’s it, isn’t it?”

Major ponders a moment. The cat seems equally confused. She tries to reason it out. Perhaps something has happened to Ted. There had been occasional turmoil over in Europe, and maybe Ted got caught in the middle. Maybe he is a POW or something. No, they had promised that he’d be taken in by a fairly well-to-do family. And they would have reported back if something had happened. If anything went wrong they would have notified family.

Maybe Ted is a different sort of P.O.W. ...prisoner of wealth. Major is sure Ted is doing real well. The opportunity came his way and he took it. That is fine ...but where does family fit in? Is he too good for family?

Ted probably didn’t forget Christmas ...he probably just forgot his family. It didn’t seem difficult for Dad to forget family. Len is a different story, but the same result. It seems to run in the family, or more accurately …run from the family. Now it is Ted’s turn. She doesn’t half blame him. He is probably anxious to forget the family and all its troubles. Ted is probably preparing to have Christmas with his new family …a family without troubles, without heartache.

Major speaks aloud, “Wherever you are ...Merry Christmas, Ted.”

She stands there staring off across the room, her mind across the ocean. The caroling has faded away. “Merry Christmas ...Ted.”

251

She hears a purring, then feels something rub against her leg. The cat had not purred before. It had licked her face and rubbed against her leg, but it had not purred.

Major calls out softly, “Look here, Ted.” The cat looks up. Major bends down to pet the cat, “Is that your name ...Ted?”

The cat purrs louder. “Okay, your name is Ted. I’m sorry if I got on your case before Ted. I wasn’t upset with you ...life has just been so frustrating. And it won’t be any less difficult now with everyone in a happy mood for the holidays and me in the pits. But I’ll try harder, Ted. And I know I have to try to be easier on myself too.”

Major tries explaining to the cat, “It’s not my fault that I have no family now. Actually, I’m fairly easy to get along with ...you’ll see.”

Major realizes that she has done a turnabout with her attitude here. She has been too rough on herself. She has burdened herself with much of the blame for what had happened to her, and had driven herself into the ground with it. But all it took was the purring of a cat to turn things around. A little sign of warmth, affection, and appreciation …that’s what Major has been missing lately.

But that’s because Larry is locked up and drugged up. She really misses Larry’s company. Maybe her family isn’t around to care, but she knows Larry cares. The problem is, Larry can’t show it. Larry can’t do anything.

Major realizes she isn’t the only one who is going to have a rough holiday season. It isn’t going to be an easy one for Larry either.
252
XIX.

Major gets her special surprise on Christmas Eve. When she arrives at work, Larry is out of the rubber room.

The Director of the facility had granted amnesty to all of the clientele. Whoever had gotten into trouble for whatever supposed crimes or offenses within the facility, is given a clean slate. Everyone gets to spend the holiday together.

Actually, the clientele are all together in the lounge, and the workers are partying at the nursing station, separate from the clientele. But Major is happy for that because she can spend Christmas with Larry.

It looks like they had just propped Larry up in a chair in the lounge. He sits there almost lifeless. He does not move, nor shows any recognition when Major walks into the lounge.

Major tries to hold back her tears, but a few escape. It doesn’t matter really …she doubts anyone will notice. All the others are routinely sitting in front of the television, watching none other than their favorite boxing tape. No one pays attention to her walking into the room. They are either so engrossed in the boxing that they don’t see her enter the room, or they just don’t care.

No one seems to pay notice to her when she walks over to give Larry a big hug. The tears flow freely this time. Larry doesn’t respond ...but Major has tears enough for both of them.
253

  XX.



Major doesn’t know what she can do for Larry. If only she could do something more, she would. But the only thing she can do is be there for Larry.

Major decides to go in early for work. She hopes that no one will notice. And there's a good chance that hope will be realized. This day should not be any different than any other day. The other workers are all continuing their holiday festivities at the nursing station. And the clientele are all still in the lounge in front of the television …the only difference being that the female wrestling tape is on, instead of the male boxing tape.

There is a mess of boxes, bows, and wrapping paper strewn all over the room and within the mess are all the gifts which they probably will be unable to lay claim to. They don’t seem to care though. They are more interested in that disgusting video.

It is Major’s job to clean up the paper. It isn’t her job to get the clientele to take care of their own belongings. She’ll have to do that too ...later.

Her main concern now is Larry. That isn’t one of her job concerns, it's a personal concern. Larry is still propped up in a chair in the back of the lounge. It doesn’t look like he has moved at all. When she’d left last evening he’d still been there.

Major wipes a tear from her eye. She doesn’t know what sort of horror he's going through, but he won’t have to go through it alone. She kisses him gently on the cheek and whispers, “Merry Christmas, Larry.”

254

Larry doesn’t respond. He just sits there in that hopeless state. Major can’t control the tears and she doesn’t try. She kneels down beside the chair, Larry's hand within her grasp. She lowers her head as the tears continue to flow. She is not praying. If there is a God, she figures she won’t be heard anyway. She doesn’t know how to pray.

Major isn’t trying to be heard. She isn’t trying to do anything ...she can’t. All she can do is be human. All she can do is cry.

She holds Larry’s hand firmly between her two hands. She lifts his hand to her lips, then releases her embrace as she rests his hand back on the arm of the chair. But she can’t release the grasp. Larry is clutching her hand.

Major looks up. A tear forms in Larry’s eye. As it trickles down his cheek, a tingling feeling travels throughout Major’s body. This is a miracle!

Well, maybe it isn’t a miracle ...but after seeing the way he was, any progress seems like a miracle. Major is thankful for it anyway.
255

XXI.

Some weeks later, Major regains hope that Larry may recover. Progress over the past weeks has been slow, but she has hope. Though he is still rather slow with his movements, Larry’s eyes are very active. He is eating on his own, and he is spending much time with books and magazines.

Major isn’t sure whether Larry is reading them or not, but he is occupied with them most of the time. The past couple of days when she has come in, Larry has managed to stand up and carefully step his way over to give her a hug. That has brought tears to her eyes …and to Larry's too.

Today Larry seems to walk easier. He gives Major an extra long hug, then whispers, "Do you know what today is?"

Major looks into Larry’s eyes. She can’t answer right away. She is choked up with emotion. Larry has spoken! He had actually talked!

Major gives him another quick hug, then answers matter-of-factly, "Today is a most beautiful day! Today is the day that I most firmly believe that you'll be okay. You're talking …it's so wonderful!"
Larry does not acknowledge all those weeks of ill health. He attempts to stay focused, perhaps attempting to convince himself that he is completely well. "Today is the second day of February. I don't know why so many of our days of celebration, even the holy ones, have such pagan roots. The Romans used to burn candles on this day, to the goddess of Februa. Later the Roman Catholic Church called it Candlemas Day, as a light to lighten the Gentiles."

256

Major is so thrilled that Larry appears to be himself again. She smiles broadly, "Figures you would offer a complete history. Most people just prefer to refer to a furry, burrowing rodent with large front teeth."

"You are referring to Ground Hog's Day." Larry forms his mouth around his front two teeth.

"Today was certainly a cloudless day. Perhaps you'd prefer I see my shadow and go back to my sleeping quarters for six more weeks."

"No, I think you've slept enough in the past six weeks …I don't want you to sleep six more. And besides, we could stand an early spring."

Larry suddenly becomes silent. Had he had this one last burst of speech and now it is over? Not only is he suddenly not talking, he is not looking at Major either. What is going through his head?

Larry finally looks up at her, "Do you have any female friends?"

Major doesn't know where he is coming from. She answers matter-of-factly, "No."

Once again Larry focuses, looking into Major's eyes. His speech does not progress slowly. His voice projects much energy, “I know it’s not my place to comment on who you choose as friends, but I read an article in one of those psychology magazines the other day that said if Marilyn Monroe would have had a close female friend to talk to, she might not have gone the route she did. It says that women express their feelings with one another more freely, and that’s a different type of intimacy than they receive a lot of times from men. But that doesn’t mean that women can’t have good male friends. If you ever need to talk about anything, don’t think you can’t share it with me.”

257

Larry hesitates ever so slightly, sporting a broad grin, “I should also say that if you ever feel like not talking, feel free to ask me to shut up too.”

Major smiles through her tears, "Why? Has anyone ever accused you of talking too much?"

They both laugh, but Larry is not laughing inside. He is serious. He thinks of asking Major if anyone has ever accused her of being closed up inside. He contemplates saying, “You never talk about the real you, Major.” But he can’t say that. He can’t ask her to be personal with him. That wouldn’t be fair, really. What right does he have to expect even more …from the one person who has been right there for him this entire difficult time. To be honest, he hasn’t been completely open with her either. He’d chosen not to discuss the rage that was the eventual outcome of why he’d been locked up so long ...the rage that is still very much inside him.

Major, on the other hand, isn’t thinking of much. She is just happy that Larry is talking again. And he isn’t just talking ...signs of his old self are becoming evident.

Major laughs, but she feels like crying. She is so very thankful and relieved that Larry is okay.

And Larry realizes what a dedicated friend he has in Major.

258

  XXII.



Major doesn’t like the way Larry has been acting lately. For the past couple of days he's had that all too familiar look of determination that usually is followed by trouble. It is the look he gets when he is bothered by something, and usually that something has something to do with Nitro Nurse.

Larry tosses a magazine on top of a stack of others within the lounge. Major glances at the cover of the National Geographic magazine as Larry offers a comment, "I hope Nitro is not participating in Mushenge-type activity on the fourth floor!"

Major wishes Larry would stop all this paranoia about the fourth floor. Larry seems to get crazy about anything he doesn't know about or have control over …which is one in the same if he doesn't know about it.

Larry decides to change the subject, "Those Watusi people are amazingly tall for their height."

He had hoped to get a laugh out of that one, but she doesn't seem to catch it. He stands up on a chair, towering over Major. "How would you feel if I were this tall?"

Major laughs, "It doesn't matter. Most everything you say goes over my head anyway."

259

But not everything goes over her head. At times Larry pretends to be head-over-heals in love with Nitro Nurse. It's hard to believe that Larry’s claimed love for Nitro is not all a big front. How can Larry care about the one person that causes him the most pain?

Well, she guesses it could be possible …after all, isn't that the way it is with her and Len?

Major does not want to admit that she somehow fits into all this. But she can't deny that she does. A large portion of that love appears reserved for her. It had been a while since he had talked about intimate feelings, but when the conversation did come up it always seemed like a love triangle.

What is Larry’s angle? He always seems to bring Nitro Nurse into the picture, and it will be the three of them ...an unexpressed but obvious love between Major and Larry, but Larry speaking of his love for Nitro. Or more like a special unspoken love between Major and Larry that is expressed in most every way, except words. But any outward mention of love from the lips of Larry ...is always exclusively expressed for Nitro Nurse.

This is ridiculous! Why is Larry doing this again?

Major feels she knows his angle, but tries to avoid playing into his hand. Major never talks about herself or her true feelings ...and it appears Larry is looking for a reaction from her. That’s why he speaks about his love for Nitro.

Larry is as stubborn as Major. When it comes to not talking about true feelings, each seems to want the other one to open up first. But Larry seems more willing than Major to discuss love.

260

At first, Major had believed that Larry loved Nitro. It made some sense at the time. Larry could easily claim love to Nitro because everyone else either hated or feared her and he wouldn’t have to compete with anyone for her love. But as time went on, Major saw things a bit differently.
Most everyone said they hated Nitro, though it seemed they really didn’t. They feared her, but they liked her for the sense of security they felt when she was around.

Nitro always had everything under control and they all felt secure in that. On the other hand, Larry said he liked her, or rather loved her, but in truth it seemed he was the only one who really hated her.

Why can’t he hate her without being a thorn in her side?

Of course, Larry is supposed to be sick and in need of psychiatric treatment, but he doesn't have to have this sick enjoyment out of tormenting her. It only makes matters worse. Too many pieces to the puzzle are missing.

Major has reserved hopes that Larry would not be so self-destructive with his emotions. His last tangle with Nitro had left him drugged beyond recognition. Larry seems to have pulled out of it, but the signs of recovery are always clouded by a potential relapse. Larry seems weaker again today. His sense of confidence is gone and his eyes are scary.

Major doesn’t know if Larry is still feeling the terror of his latest experience or whether he is slipping back to some horrible past. She can’t quite interpret the tension in his eyes. He looks at her with the eyes of a dying man, yet he continues in the familiar vein, “I love Nitro. No one else loves her. She has no one.”

261

Major is sure Larry must hate Nitro. But is he really talking about Nitro? Maybe he is talking about himself. Is he instead hinting that no one loves him and that he has no one?

Certainly Larry knows that she loves him ...but maybe he is begging to hear it. Major decides to confront him, “I’m getting tired of these fantasies of a romance between you and Nitro.”

Larry still has that desperate look in his eyes, “What do you mean, fantasies?”

So, Larry is not going to admit it. Major confronts again, “You say you love Nitro, but it’s just an act. I know you don’t love her. I want you to know that when you were in that rubber room, I found new definition for the word hate. I couldn’t imagine what she’d done to you. And I know you hate her too.”

Larry’s eyes soften just a bit, “So you know how I feel? I know how you feel too. Does that bother you?”

Major doesn’t know if she should have begun this confrontation, “No. It’s good to have people understand how you feel.”

Larry takes over, “It happens in a family where there’s love. You are a part of that family ...and you become a part of each person in that family. It happens when two people fall in love ...they become a part of each other. And it happens to a degree when people think they fall in love. Do you know what I mean?”

Major doubts she ever knows precisely what Larry means, “You mean the part about people thinking they’re in love?”

262

“Yeah. When people idolize an image of a person or a person who is obviously beyond their reach. For example, when Elvis was alive, some of his fans followed his career so closely, reading every article about him and going to every concert, that they felt they knew him personally. And often they would study every mannerism and every behavior until it seemed they knew him better than he knew himself ...yet they were strangers.”

“That can be scary.”

“Yeah, and so can idolizing an image of a person. You may create an image of the type of person you feel you can love. You may create this image around someone in your life you once loved. Or you may create this image around ideals such as beauty, popularity or wealth. Whatever the case, if you create an image you are limiting the many possibilities of love.”

Major doesn’t want to face certain aspects of what Larry is saying. She knows she is limiting her love. She has lost Darin. Ever since he's passed away, she has held on to that image. But Larry doesn’t know that. What is Larry trying to say? Is he questioning whether she loves him? Does he think she has created an image around ideals, such as popularity and wealth ...and perhaps sanity? Is that it? Does Larry feel Major looks down on him because he is in a psychiatric facility? Does Larry feel she can’t love someone who everyone thinks is crazy?

Major doesn’t want Larry to think she looks down on him. But she doesn’t want to come right out and say she loves him either. She doesn’t want him to get the wrong impression. “Are you trying to say you love me, Larry? Are you trying to say you think you’re in love with me?”

263

The way Major says it, it strikes a blow to Larry. Major had emphasized the 'think you're in love' part too much.

He hesitates, then answers matter-of-factly, “Is that so wrong? We’re not strangers to each other.”

The reason Larry supposes he loves Major is not because of an image he's created. There is no image. Major is real. But maybe Major doesn’t see it that way. In a way, they are like strangers. They have not really shared any real personal things about themselves.

Maybe Major is hesitant because he has not told her anything about how or why he was placed in this hospital. And maybe if he told her about himself, she would open up a little more too. But not today. It is getting late.

Maybe tomorrow he'll tell her all about his past. Then maybe he’ll be able to prepare her for this revelation ...that he truly is in love with her. But right now, Larry doesn’t know what to say. This conversation about love suddenly becomes real awkward.

It is Major who comes to the rescue with her humor, “No. We are not strangers. You are a little strange, but we’re not strangers.”

They both laugh. It is just what they need to ease the tension.
264

    XXIII.

"Tension …it's all over!"

Major waits for an explanation of what he means by that, but upon receiving no further response, she asks for clarification. "What do you mean? It's all over, as in …it's all finished, or it's all over the place?

Major wishes he is saying the tension between he and Nitro Nurse is over. But she fears he is saying, the tension is all over the place, and he and Nitro are likely to tangle again.

"I mean, the tension of society. It doesn't matter whether it is in an Amish-type one room schoolhouse, a middle class American high school, or an institution of higher learning …it is something we are teaching, on an even higher level. And I'm not talking about the post-grad level, I'm talking about a spiritual level."

Major understands that Larry is not talking about school spirit. She is not certain what exactly he is talking about, but she is certain he will soon explain.

"The highest level of learning in our public school system is probably kindergarten. That's because kindergarten helps mold the very first impressions outside the home that we, as society, have released our children to …more or less as a statement of approval for whatever they will learn there. But even before kindergarten, we have an invasion going on within our homes that may prove to be even more influential."

265

Major guesses, "TV?"

"Some psychologists say that if you watch violence on television, it provides a healthy outlet for those pent-up feelings we all have …and we therefore don't have to act on those pent-up feelings because TV has already given us that avenue for release. To say it has no effect, is to say …if your parents curse, you won't? Or if you have alcoholic parents, you will have no desire to drink?"
Major agrees, "Yes, even I have read that studies have proven otherwise."

“Manipulation ...that’s what television is. The artful management of influencing one’s ideas.”
Larry is referring to more than just the boxing tape that the clientele are again watching.

Major adds, “Don’t they ever get tired of that tape?”

Larry glances at the television, “You mean, The King of the Ring?”

“Oh, is that what it’s called? That’s a royal shame.” She ponders the alternatives, “Isn’t there something better they can watch?”

As usual, Larry supplies an explanation, “They enjoy something more when they know what is going to happen. They memorize the tape. But it’s probably better they watch this over and over ...it’s probably already ingrained into them. It’s better than introducing new ideas into their indiscreet minds. If they tune-in to the regular programming, there’d probably be some steamy movie on.” Larry’s thoughts seem to be more focused than his glance, “What should be considered disgusting, is now thought of as attractive."

Larry changes his voice tone to play out the part of the woman first, “We shouldn’t be doing this!” And then the man, “I don’t care, I love you!”

266

Major listens with curiosity as Larry continues, “And love is replaced by passion ...the beastly desires that cannot be overcome. Therefore, they don’t even try. They gladly submit to it. A slight of consideration with a momentary glance that is supposed to say ...I love you, ...and then the passionate kiss. The aggressive inhaling of the other person, with the rapid mouth movements. Reminds me of a tiger with a piece of meat.”

“And she says ...let’s do it again tiger.”

Major is trying to get Larry to lighten up a little, but he doesn’t even smile. He doesn’t even seem to have heard her. Larry seems to be in a deadly serious mood. It's precisely these moods that scare Major.

Major moves on to the basement, then to the second floor. But her thoughts do not move on. She is still thinking of Larry. She really cares for him. He is more a part of her life than anyone. And that scares her too.

Her emotions are confused. Major can visualize Olga standing there at her side, elbowing her and saying, “I told you so!” Olga had said love would sneak up on her and catch her by surprise.

Major had not been prepared for this. Her feelings have taken her by surprise. She would've never thought of herself loving a guy in a mental hospital. No, Olga is wrong. Maybe her emotions had slipped away, but her intelligence hasn’t.

Major is intelligent enough to know that this isn’t that type of love. She really cares about Larry, but she isn’t in love with him. She is perhaps in love with the type of person Larry pretends to be when he is around her, but is that really Larry? Larry has several sides to his personality. And Major doesn’t like the side Larry shows Nitro Nurse. He usually ends up showing his bottom side.

267

It is scary to imagine Larry’s past. Major doesn’t know anything about Larry’s past. That is scary in itself. But why hasn’t it scared her before? If it hasn’t mattered before, why would it now?

Major tries to discard those thoughts, but it isn’t easy. She knows she shouldn’t hold his past against him. Or should she? Should she be setting herself up to care about someone who is really messed up ...and could mess her up too?

Major has to laugh at that thought. Why would she worry about someone messing up her life? Her life has already been pretty much messed up. But as she considers it further, the difference is evident. She has survived her test. She has avoided the insanity …so far.

She had almost allowed her brother’s addiction to ruin her. She can’t allow Larry to have the same effect upon her. Larry does seem self-destructive at times …at least when around Nitro Nurse. And she doesn't want her emotions for Larry to destroy her too.

Larry’s present frame of mind seems to support her present doubts. Larry does not seem right. He appears too serious. His mind seems to be journeying somewhere else tonight.

Major has seen her brother Len like that before. But maybe her problem here is similar to how she chose to almost destroy herself over Darin. Maybe she places too many expectations on those she loves.

Major is confused. Maybe this is an extension of what Larry had said the evening before. Maybe she does have too many ideals and looks for others to conform to those expectations …and that is making life a painful process for her and those around her.

268

Is she making it hard for others to reach her? Is she causing herself unnecessary hurt? Does she care about Larry in a way she doesn’t want to admit? Yes ...No ...Maybe.

Larry is the type of person she can really get close to. But that is it. He is the 'type' of person. And he is only that 'type' of person when around her. Olga is wrong. She is not falling in love with Larry.

Major tries to put her emotions in the proper perspective. Emotions shouldn’t be the major force to rule. Emotions can get you in trouble if you base everything on them.

Can’t ignore the facts though. The fact is that if Larry wasn’t in a mental hospital, maybe things would be different. But Larry is in a mental hospital. That fact can’t be denied. And the fact is, there is no reason to expect that to change. If she fights that fact, the only thing that may change is her. Maybe she’d go crazy too.

Major feels like she is going crazy now. But it isn’t the same. Larry had gone crazy. He is locked up in a psychiatric unit and is probably never getting out. Major realizes she can’t allow her emotions to be locked up with him. She really cares about Larry, but she will love him the only way she can ...as a brother. That’s the way it had begun and that’s the way it should have stayed.
She really misses the brother-sister type of love.

When Len left, she’d been deprived of that brotherly love. But she had also been longing for the type of love she and Darin had. And she had allowed herself to channel those emotions towards Larry. She had welcomed the friendship.

269

She had gone as far as relying on Larry for her stability. That is insane, especially considering how Larry has been diagnosed as one of the worst cases of mental and emotional instability.

But by the mere fact that Larry accepts her, she had gained some stability. And she is …much in need of that.

Major realizes now why she had picked someone like Larry to funnel her emotions to. Larry had deep needs too. She knows he won’t reject her as a friend. She can’t handle any more rejection. But she has rejected the truth. The truth of why Larry’s love is so important to her.

Still, Major is confused. She wants to love Larry as a brother. But she feels he loves her in a slightly different way. Maybe Larry considers it unfair for her to think of him as a mental patient, instead of as a person. But she does think of him as a person ...she thinks of him as a brother. This is insane! And it's not going to get any easier for her and Larry.

Major finishes up on the second floor and it's about time for her to go. She returns to the first floor and is about to wheel her cart into the janitor’s closet when she gets a slight scare. Larry is quietly standing there.

He is supposed to be in bed.

This concerns Major. Larry just stands there in some sort of a trance. She is about to ask why he is still up, but figures she is soon to find out anyway.

Larry finally speaks, “I don’t know how to tell you this.”

Larry has her attention. She doesn’t know what to make of this urgent message. She just listens.

270

"You said last night that this talk of love for Nitro Nurse is just a big act. Well, it's not. You just don't know how it is. I don't love everything she does, but I can still love her."

Major fears what his next words will be, what he is trying to say, what he is perhaps about to say. Is he using this as justification for her to love him? …in essence, implying that just because she doesn't love everything Larry does, doesn't mean she can't love him?

He hesitates, which appears uncharacteristic of Larry. Larry talks freely about almost any subject, but this is the first time that he appears to be having difficulty expressing himself. Perhaps he is waiting for her to already catch his meaning, and spare him the embarrassment of having to say what he has hopes she will say first.

But Major isn't prepared to make easy for Larry that which is even more difficult for her. She has no doubt Larry will eventually find a way to say what he is going to say …however difficult it is to say it.

Larry does appear hurt by her lack of response, but he is not faint of heart, "You think I put on a big act? Now, I’m not denying that. You know how that is. But don’t you think we all put on acts? Don’t we perform at least some part of our life behind a facade we have created? To some degree, don’t we all wear masks to conceal the real us?”

Major is very concerned about why Larry is up at this hour. She tries to answer him calmly, “Yes. I suppose you’re right.”

Larry's eyes light up at her however brief response. He whispers, “Well, tonight I want to step out from behind the facade, share with you my inner struggles, and tell you who I really am.”

271

Major is not prepared for this.

Yes, there has been moments she felt Larry was fascinating and wanted to know more about him, but not at this moment. Maybe earlier in the night she had entertained the idea, but suddenly reality shocks her. What does she really feel? She feels …scared!

She feels scared because Larry doesn't feel scared.

No need for him to fear the other workers. They are rather predictable …either talking at the main desk or watching television. But that can't be said of Nitro Nurse. You never know when she'll show up. And Larry isn't supposed to be up and wandering around at this time.

Nitro Nurse would not be easy on him, but Larry is obviously not scared.

She had wanted to know about Larry, but she also fears what she might find out. She wants to know, but she doesn’t know if she wants to know right now.

Suddenly, Major feels she knows what this is all about! Not just why Larry is up at this hour, but also why she has spent so much time mulling over ridiculous concepts in her own mind. There is only one thing that can drive someone nearly mad, only one thing that can have this effect upon a person, and that something is …Valentines Day.

That must be it! Valentine's Day is only one week away. Hours upon hours, days …even weeks. So much time invested in emotions that we often anticipate others will share. Sleepless nights filled with the endless anticipation. Some delve into deep depression as a result of not having a date for the senior prom or the homecoming dance. Or being alone on Valentine's Day?

272

Such torment it causes, to think so extensively about paper hearts and chocolate …all in the name of love. No wonder they sell so much chocolate!

That's what this has been all about …this on and on, constant muddling of thoughts.

It isn't just Larry that has been talking so much, it has been all that talk in her head too. All that reasoning it out, that is not reasoning at all. It's just nonsense!

Major suddenly sees it in a different light. If she seldom used discretion, but instead just talked her thoughts aloud, she'd be no different than many of the mentally ill.

Grandma used to say that the mentally ill have something in common with some of the greatest thinkers of our time …at least the ones that represent us as our greatest thinkers. If we think the mentally ill can go on and on, how about a congressional filibuster? And worse than that is a person who is unsatisfied with love …it is as tiring to hear about that as it is to hear our government debate their special interests.

Yes, hope springs eternal for those who don't have …in anticipation of what they could have. The fact is that Major doesn't have and Larry doesn't have …anybody.

But that can change! It is so unwise to gravitate towards such instability. We can care out of concern, but don't allow that to be the deciding factor in our lives …allowing that to become our hope of stability.

Again, it is Grandma's wisdom that comes to mind. Major snaps back to reality. She isn't concerned at this moment whether the love bug has caught Larry. She is more concerned that someone might catch Larry up at this hour. He isn’t supposed to be up.

273

Major’s stomach is still tied up in knots. She remains silent and listens. “I was always considered a rebel because of the convictions that I have towards my family. The one I love, I was not allowed to love. I was punished each time I tried to re-unite with Mom. Then I was placed in another home with sister, but I was not told she was my sister. I wasn't supposed to know. But when I found out, I didn't tell her what I knew. I was afraid they'd separate us and punish us both. So I just tried to be her friend. That has always been my dream …to be her friend."

Major wants to say something, but she is too confused. Maybe if she just continues to listen, she will eventually understand. Or maybe that will not be the case at all!

"But they turned her against me. There is no place for dreamers in their world, unless your dreams benefit their dreams. I guess I'm too idealistic. They fear those who hold the truth. Truth is only met with defiance, therefore the only thing reserved for me is pronounced condemnation. And the only thing I'm left with is the fear of what they'll do to me."

Larry takes hardly a breath, "Are you familiar with Genesis? I'm referring to the part where they turn against him because of his dreams:

Here comes a dreamer,
Let us slay him and cast him into the pit;
and we will say some evil beast has devoured him,
and we shall see what will become of his dreams ...".

274

Major is sure he is talking about Nitro Nurse. She slays him with that hypodermic needle, and puts him in that seclusion pit, devouring him with her cruelty. Why doesn't he admit he hates her?

He claims to stand for the truth, but instead he dreams up this story, talking as if she's a sister.

Larry doesn't know of Major's knowledge of music. She knows Genesis …and those are not familiar lyrics. "I don't think you have the right group. I don't believe Phil Collins ever wrote that."

"He didn't …Moses did."

Major looks confused. Phil Collins used to play for Genesis, but she doesn’t remember a guy named Moses. Anyway, this Moses has some scary lyrics ...and Larry is scaring her too.

Larry is far from finished, “But as you see, they didn’t slay me. That would have looked too suspicious. They had me committed instead. That was safer. They said that everything I said was absolutely insane. They drugged me up and said that I was on drugs. And I was placed here.”

Larry pauses briefly, “Some of the people here are here because in their bid to cope with reality, they found non-reality as the only way. They hid from reality and didn’t act the way they were expected to, so they were simply institutionalized. On the other hand, I was placed here because I faced reality and confronted it. I challenged that select group of people who feel they are above the law. They try to keep me drugged up, but I only pretend to take my medication. I spit it out when they’re not looking. I act the role of a crazy person here to satisfy them. But I think I have enough information now where I can prove my family's guilt.”

275

Could this actually have happened? Major wants to believe that Larry was unrightfully put here. She wants to believe that he is not crazy ...that it’s all an act, until his family is proven guilty.

Major’s heart reaches out and tries to imagine what Larry has gone through. It must be devastating, keeping all this locked up inside him. Major’s heart wants to reach out to Larry. He obviously doesn’t know who to trust, but he has trusted enough to open up and reveal this to her.

Major surprises him with a different kind of question, “Do you have someone helping you?”

Larry hesitates to gain feedback as to whether Major is buying all this, but he seems to have lost her. “What do you mean?”

“Obviously you can’t prove anything about your family while you are here. I assume you have someone working for you?”

Larry ponders, “Yes, I suppose you’d think that; but no, I don’t have anyone working for me. I don’t know anyone who I can trust ...except you. I’ve been doing the investigating myself. I slip out at night.”

Major knows she has heard correctly, but asks anyway, “You slip out at night?”

“Yes. I bought a mannequin with money I got from selling some paintings. I put the dummy in my bed and when the dummies here come around to do bed checks, they think it’s me.”

Major suddenly feels like a dummy. Larry is playing one of his games again, but obviously he has not quite played it out. She can’t quite see his point here. Is he going to make the story even more ridiculous as he goes along, to see at what point she’ll realize it's a joke?

276

Major hides the hurt she feels. She believes her deep feelings for Larry are being jerked around. As far as jokes go, this is probably considered a good one. She shouldn’t fault Larry for the hurt she feels. It is her fault for allowing her feelings to run so deep that she is in the position to get hurt. She should have known better.

Major considers all of what Larry had said. So it’s a joke ...she can accept that. Maybe she can even play along with it. But she wonders if there is any serious message behind this joke. She has to ask, "Do you know who your dad is, Larry?"

"Yes, I know who he is."

"Do you love him?"

"No, my mom is the only one in my family that I love; and my sister. It's my dad and the rest of them in that business of theirs ---that the family prides themselves in ---that put me here."

"Do you hate your dad?"

"All these psychology books tell you it’s not healthy to hate anyone. They say not to hate the person, but to hate the behavior. Well, it’s kind of hard for me to separate the person from the behavior. Even if I understand what a person has been through and understand the influences that have made them that certain way, every person has choices. Others can affect our attitude, but we form it. We make the choices and our behavior is the follow-up on those choices. Sometimes when circumstances overwhelm us we react ...sometimes without thinking right. We make mistakes. But in the end, we behave the way we want to. We develop a pattern of behavior that is unique to us. We are our behavior. And if we are always the same, then how can we expect others to think any differently of us? Hate is really devastating in a parent-child relationship. But yes, I guess I do hate my dad.”

277

All this for a simple, yes?
But this is typical of Larry. Nothing is simple for him. He can define a problem, but he can’t claim victory over his own.

Major sees something beyond hate here. It has volcanic potential. But it isn't Larry that she sees filled with hate. It seems he has many healthy coping mechanisms. His main problem with coping is with Nitro Nurse. She's the one who really erupts with anger.

Is that the reason Larry relates to her the way he does? Does Nitro Nurse represent the anger hidden in all of us?

Is that why Larry doesn't fault her? Is he the only one who truly understands her? Is that why he calls her sister?

So many questions …so few answers.

Larry is still a little slow on his feet, not fully recovered from his last encounter with Nitro Nurse. Each time it seems to get worse. Major has to ask, “Do you know something about Nitro that no one else knows?”

"Here's a thought for you. Did you ever notice the bone structure of her face? It doesn't quite seem right, does it? Something about her doesn't seem to fit."

"Now that you mention it, something does seem wrong. Did you sneak a look at her file too? Did you check her medical history and find out that she has some sort of bone cancer or something?"

"No, that's not it at all." Larry has this unique way of attempting to say something without saying it at all.

Major cannot hide her ill feelings towards Nitro Nurse, "I agree. I think it's just her personality, not diseased bones. I think she's cruel to the bone."

278

"You only say that because you don't like the way she treats me. But maybe she only acts that way because she's sick. Is there anyone that you care about who possibly is not as nice to others?"

Major hesitates to look at the truth, but her tears do not hesitate in coming out of hiding.

Larry continues to defend Nitro, “There's a quaking spirit living inside her. She is desperate. She lives a life of deception to survive. A magician makes a living by the precept that things aren’t always what they appear to be. But people should not be that way. We can't always be what we want to be. Some of us don't know how to cope. But we should at least attempt to be honest with one another.”

"If you know Nitro is a quaking spirit inside, then why do you try to get on her every last nerve? It becomes a vicious cycle with you two. Someone is going to have to give in first. I know she is a detestable woman and you may never forgive her, especially after what she did to you this last time, but ......."

Larry interrupts, “That’s nothing compared to what she is doing to this other guy.”

That sounds like it could be another line for a joke. Major is tired of jokes. This isn’t funny. She should just tell Larry that she’s onto him. But she doesn’t.

Larry begins to tremble. He seems to be fading into a trance again. Major wonders whether Larry is okay. She is about to ask him, but Larry speaks first. With a soft, but angry voice, “It’s really
unbelievable what they do on the fourth floor here!”

This is unbelievable! What percent of this is true? Is any of it true?

Major tries to keep it to herself, but it just comes out, “Coming soon … to a theater near you.”

279

Larry doesn’t respond. Why doesn’t he? He's been waiting for a reaction from her. Maybe she should applaud.

She laughs instead, “I don’t mean to laugh. Seriously, you ought to be an actor. That was quite good.”

Still not laughing. This is unlike Larry. Major is a little concerned, “I thought this was another one of your ploys to get a reaction out of me. What do you want me to say ...that I love you, and you don’t have to do these things to get my attention?”

Larry looks directly into Major’s eyes.

She admits defeat, “Okay, I’ll say it. I love you. Now can we quit this game? I'm not having fun with all these stories. It’s past your bedtime and it’s time for me to go home.”

Larry has his own incredulous look. He is visibly hurt, “You don’t believe me, do you?”

Major has guessed wrong. Larry is not joking, it seems. He appears to be serious, and now is hurt by her taking what he'd said as fabrication. Yes, it seems that Larry is quite serious. Maybe there is a lingering effect from when they had him all drugged up. Maybe the anger and hatred still inside him that he'd suppressed, is reacting with the drugs and Larry is confused about reality. Maybe he really believes what he is saying.

Major cares about Larry. There is nothing she’d say to try to hurt him. It is tragic to see him like this.

Maybe she can help him understand what she feels is happening to him. “From what you say, I gather you had a rather terrible childhood. Growing up in an environment like that couldn’t give you much hope. And when you have a terrible home, the home influences your outlook on life in that way.”

280

This hits home with Major. She has suffered with this very thing herself. She takes a deep breath before continuing, “You tend to look at everything in a negative way. You then become paranoid. You take an isolated incident and begin believing there’s a network of such things going on. You start seeing the whole world through those same eyes.”

Larry denies it, “No, that’s not the way it is. I admit I don’t know if it’s happening all over, but it happened to me and it happened to my sister. Now she needs my help. I have to somehow …I don't know how, but I have to stop her. I know she's mean and cruel, but she's my sister, I love her, and I don't want her to get into trouble."

Major tries to take this all in ...and attempts to understand. Larry wants to stop Nitro, and Major wants Larry to stop all this crazy talk. Whether real or imagined, it appears most everyone wants to stop the hurt, whether it hurts themselves or hurts someone else. We all seem to understand the hurt to some degree of the one we love, but at times we find it difficult to understand the urgency of that same person being stopped from hurting others.

Major has had this very problem. Coming to grips with the sad condition her brother is in, she had only seen the overall kind-hearted good person. But there is usually collateral damage. People get hurt and people die …and it has to stop! Suffering always has its forms, but often seems void of reasons …though reasons are often supplied and too numerous to mention. Whether we rate them as good reasons or not, they are still reasons. Often the reasons are clear. The suffering can be an addiction, a physical sickness, or a victimization. We should instead have an overabundance of reasons why we are thankful.

281

If we stand up better under burdensome circumstances, we should not judge those who cannot. Yet, not judging them is only one phase of the solution. We must have the proper focus of not judging, so we can properly focus on seeking them help. And help they definitely need.

It appears Larry fully understands this, and emotions aside, he knows what must be done. Perhaps he understands this more than most anyone else ...as he doesn't seem to have anyone, and is best suited to have compassion for those who also have no one. In a strange sort of way, they often view themselves as one big dysfunctional family ...but, in being dysfunctional, how would they know how to act. Their caring can seem strange, and at times, completely opposite ...but, the feelings are there in some form or another. And in crisis situations, it may be the rest of us who don't quite understand. Strange as it may be, it seems that now Larry, if only in a figurative sense, suddenly considers her his family ...referring to her as 'sister'.

There is one problem though. Are these events he is describing real or imagined? Funny about the mentally ill …they have so much understanding and so much that they can teach us, but since it often finds its way through unreal imaginings, we don't see the real message behind it. We just consider them crazy.

“There’s no chance you dreamed up this story about Nitro Nurse?”

Major is sorry she said that, but it is too late. If he actually is suffering an effect from the drugs, then this sort of blatant rejection from her may be emotionally damaging. “I didn’t mean it quite that way. I mean, are you sure exactly what you saw? You said yourself that things aren’t always what they appear to be.”

“Come to the fourth floor with me. We can see together. But if you won't come to the fourth floor with me, can you at least tell me that you believe me? I need someone to believe in me.”

Major wants to say she believes in Larry. She believes in his heart. She believes in his sincerity. Isn't that the important part? What is she supposed to tell him …that his mental illness is not a mental illness?

282

He probably believes what he is saying, and she doesn't want to press the issue any further. He is already taking it as rejection and she doesn't want to add to the hurt.

There must be something she can say, “I'm sorry, Larry. I don’t have a key to the fourth floor. I can't take you there.”

Larry is not discouraged, “That should tell you something right there. Did you ever wonder why? You clean all the other floors, but not the fourth floor. Doesn’t that tell you something?”

“It tells me that I can’t get up there, that’s all. So might as well end your curiosity ...I don’t have the key.”

“But, I do. I can get us up there.”

Major doesn’t want to challenge the truth of what Larry is saying. He appears hurt enough. “I'm not supposed to be on the fourth floor, and neither are you. And besides, it’s quitting time for me.”

Hopefully Larry will be better tomorrow. Maybe Larry was walking in his sleep and this was just a bad nightmare. Tomorrow Larry will be awake to reality.

The nightmare continues, “I thought you were different than the rest. You listen to me, but are you really a friend? Or do you just listen to humor yourself? Now it’s quitting time for you, and you don’t want to hear what I have to say? But it’s more than just the end of your shift ...it’s really quitting time isn’t it? Time to quit on your friends. When it really means something and your friends need you, it’s quitting time. You probably tell all your friends the wild stories I tell you. You’re probably a real hit at the parties.”

283

Major knows Larry is really hurting inside to have accused her of that, but she can’t help feeling hurt herself, “I don’t go to parties. And if I did, I wouldn’t spend my time making fun of people who are really hurting inside. To be honest with you, I don’t even have any friends. And I didn’t take this job to make friends either. I took this job because I enjoy helping people. And I’d hoped to prevent my own life from going insane by concentrating on helping others.”

“You mean, insane like me? Well, you certainly chose the wrong place to try to maintain your sanity.”

Major doesn’t know how to react. She is confused about what's happening, “No, that’s not what I mean …but sometimes we are just confused about what we see.”

“So, you’re saying I hallucinate?”

“No, I didn’t say that either.”

“Well, to be honest with you, I sometimes wonder whether I’m insane. I think they got me believing it sometimes. But when you began listening to me and treating me like I was a normal person, I felt I really had a friend. I really need someone like you. But now I don’t know what to think. You’ve got me doubting myself again.”

Major feels bad ...recalling how she’d felt after doubting that Larry painted those pictures, and then he had painted one for her. But Larry had painted a pretty unbelievable picture here. And she has to admit, she honestly doesn't believe him this time. She doesn’t know how she can believe him.

284

Larry knows how, “Why don’t you just come with me. If my key opens the door, then you can be my proof that I’m not crazy about that ...that I didn’t dream that part of my story. If the door doesn’t open, then you can believe like everyone else …that I’m crazy.”

“Whether or not the key unlocks the door, I want you to know that I don’t consider you crazy. I’m your friend. We all do what we can to cope. Sometimes such terrible things happen in our lives that we have to pretend to really keep our sanity, I wish sometimes that I could pretend that things didn’t happen. Sometimes I’d like to create my own little world. It doesn’t matter to me whether the door opens or not. We don’t have to check it.”

"But it matters to me. I need you to come with me. I need to know whether I’m sane or not. Whatever happens I’ll accept it. But you know how some people have nightmares? Well, every breath for me is like that ...my waking hours are just as bad. There’s a poem by Walt Whitman that goes:

...the sense of what is real, the thought if
after all it should prove unreal.
The doubts of day-time, and the doubts of night-time.
The curious whether and how.
Whether that which appears so is so, or is it ......."

Larry trails off, and breathes deeply, “Come with me just this once ...please!”

285

Major knows the feeling. She has had the nightmares. And though she has had no problems with distinguishing what is real and unreal in her own life, she is confused with truth concerning Larry. It must be pure torment for Larry ...the constant struggle for sanity.

Major breathes deeply, “Okay, we’ll try your key.”

Fortunately they are at the far end of the building and everyone else down the corridor around the corner. Major wishes that Larry had stayed in bed too. What if one of the staff members notices his absence?

Major moves quickly to the stairwell and unlocks the first door with her key. She relocks it behind them. If she is caught taking Larry up here, she’ll be in big trouble. She’ll probably lose her job. Caring for someone is always a risk ...but it’s supposed to be an emotional risk, not risking life and limb.

This job is Major’s life. But a big part of this job is Larry. Major sighs deeply. They have been through some pretty rough times lately. And she knows she is about to go through perhaps one of the roughest. No one is ever on the second and third floors in the evening, and no one ever uses this stairwell. The risk should be over. No one will suspect Larry is up here. And she’ll be sure to check the first floor before having him sneak back.

Major inserts her key into the door as they reach the fourth floor. She turns her key, “See, my key doesn’t work. You want to try yours?”

286

Larry is breathing deeply. He is still fairly weak. No doubt he is winded from the stairwell climb. He reaches deep into his pocket and retrieves a key. He puts it into the lock. He turns the key. And the door unlocks.

Major can’t believe it ...Larry’s key unlocked the door!

But wait! Yes, that did seem like Larry. He is sneaky …he probably stole the key like he had stolen the clients charts and read them. “Okay, …there, your key unlocked the door. You’re not insane. Now let’s get back.”

Major starts down the stairwell. She hears only her footsteps though. Larry is not following. She turns around. Larry is still breathing heavily. Major is more deeply concerned this time, “You want to rest first before starting down?”

Larry takes a deep breath, “No, don’t leave me now, you can’t! This hardly proves anything. So I have a key ...that still doesn’t prove I’m sane. I could still be imagining all the things I think I saw. Aren’t you the least bit curious?”

Major doesn’t know what she is, but she isn’t curious. She is frustrated. She is tired. And she is perhaps a bit fearful of unknowns. She doesn’t know what is up there, and she can live with that fine. “No. To be honest with you, I’m not that curious. You know what curiosity did to the cat.”

Major’s effort at a little humor doesn’t work. Larry has never been more serious, “If my sister is up here, I need to help her! You came this far, what can it hurt if you just help me with this little extra bit of sanity?”

Major doesn't believe it. Larry is saying that Nitro Nurse is up here …or his sister, as he now refers to her. So what real risk would it be? It could not be more risky, if that were true.

287

But, Major doesn't believe it to be true. The major risk as she sees it ...would be returning back to the unit. At this point she'd have to be a look-out, for him to safely sneak back to his room. She might as well go with him first, and help him dispel his wild beliefs. She thinks about it. Okay, she'll say …no! It is still too crazy!

Larry continues his plea, "I need you to see it with me, so I have proof that I’m not insane. I can see why you may not want to help me. It’s not your sanity at stake here, so why should you care. But you do care. You've proven that by going this far with me. Don’t you realize that this is the most important thing in the world to me? I need to know if I’m sane. I can’t live each day with not knowing.” Larry takes a deep breath, then adds, “I’d do it for you if you asked.”

Major is touched. She knows Larry would do it for her. He’d probably do anything for her. This isn’t really asking that much. She concedes, “Okay. Just one quick look.”

Major returns up the stairs as Larry is already starting down the corridor. Major passes through the door cautiously to join Larry. The corridor is dark. The only light is from the exit signs. Larry touches her arm, “Thank you Maggie.”

Major feels violated. No one knew her first name. She never told anyone. Only Darin had called her Maggie ...that special moment just before he died. She will never forget that moment. She snaps at Larry, “How do you know my name?”

“I checked it out on your file.”

288

That makes Major even more upset. Is nothing sacred with Larry?

She just stands there for a moment while several thoughts race through her mind. Larry had manipulated her. He is jerking her emotions around just to test her. To test how much she really cares. To see how far she’ll go.

He had no right to go through her personal employment file. Then again, he had no right to go through any of the client’s charts either, but he had. Larry is just doing the same to her that he did to everyone else. But Major had felt she wasn’t like everyone else in Larry’s eyes. She thought Larry really cared for her ...and that should include respecting her privacy.

Major decides she's been jerked around enough for one evening, “I’ve seen and heard enough. I’m leaving.”

But just as she begins to turn, a door opens at the end of the corridor.

Larry grabs her by the arm and instinctively grabs the nearest doorknob. The door is unlocked and Larry quickly pulls Major into the room.

It happens too quickly for her to react on her own. As they crouch in the dark room, she continues to panic. Her own reaction would have been to run for the exit. They could have been safely down the stairwell by now. That option is still high on the list for Major. The exit isn’t that far. Maybe they can still make it.

The footsteps get closer. It's too late now. They are trapped!

The footsteps stop. A doorknob rattles. The door creaks. A chill runs through Major’s veins. She is paralyzed with fright. This is it. It’s over!

289

A light flashes, and a shudder throughout her body nearly separates her flesh from bones. In that instance though, she stops shaking. The light is coming from the adjacent room. Impending doom still surrounds her, but it is at least delayed.

The chill running down her spine begins to intensify again as her eyes quickly begin to adjust, the light passing through the window defining rough outlines among the shadows. Surrounding her are several structures on wheels. What is this?

They are beds on wheels. Major rises up slightly. A body is on the gurney in front of her. A human body.

A shiver tears through her body, but it is more than a feeling of flesh separating from bones this time. That’s exactly what she sees ...flesh cut away from bones. She doesn’t know if she'd screamed, but she must not have. Silence adds to the deathly feeling. Her body still screams in silence.

Larry had seen something horrible, but had he known what he saw? It was a horrid sight, but they do this sort of thing. It does seem strange that they’d do this sort of thing here, but Major doesn’t really know anything about coroners anyway, or where they did their autopsies. Some people feel a need for an autopsy. A nauseating thought, but they do perform them.

Major just wishes she hadn’t seen this. She wishes Larry had not seen this either. He hadn’t understood what he saw. No wonder he had freaked out. But that’s what happens when you roam where you don’t belong.

Major has some of her own doubts. Had Larry really doubted whether he saw this? Was it really about her being a witness to his sanity? Or had Larry wanted a witness so it could be reported to the police.

290

Larry had thought there was something illegal going on up here, and he wanted her to report it. He probably felt no one would ever believe him, so he needed help. This whole thing is not an issue of whether she cares enough to help him prove his sanity, it is Larry manipulating her emotions to get her up here to join him in his mission. It is a matter of the end justifying the means. He had not been honest with her. He had tricked her.

Major feels used again. Yet, it seems Larry had just gotten excited about what he thought he saw. And she hadn’t believed him. But still, he had intentionally tried to trick her to achieve his ends. He hadn’t even considered asking her if she wanted to help him fight his fight, reporting another one of those injustices or waves of crime he felt flourished around him. He could have told her that he wanted to bring this to the cops and wanted her help. But Larry probably didn’t think she’d believe him, and instead of getting into detail about what he saw, he probably felt it was better she see it.

Major wishes she hadn’t seen this. If Larry would have just described what he saw, she could have told him they were probably just performing autopsies …or perhaps some sort of scientific human research. But why did Larry say he saw Nitro Nurse?

Major has invested way too much emotion in this wild plan …in this wild world of mental illness. She had allowed herself to become vulnerable, and Larry had just left her there, dangling with her emotions.

Speaking of Larry, where is he? He had somehow slipped away in the darkness. He had dragged her up here and now he abandons her.

291

She is on her own now. Major must come up with her own plan of action now. Check out the lights in the adjacent room. See what’s going on there. And if the coast is clear, head for the exit. Larry had obviously found his way up here before, so he can certainly find his own way back.

Major keeps to the shadows as she cautiously approaches the window. She hears a voice. She stops short, makes sure she is out of sight, and strains to hear.

It is soft, but above a whisper. The voice seems to be speaking to someone, “I’m going to give you a smaller dose again. The Good Doctor won’t care, as long as I keep you incapacitated. No, maybe I won’t give it to you now. Maybe I’ll wait. I want you to feel the pain I've felt. Every one of you are the same …you are no different. You don't care about our pain. Let's see how you like it when we are in charge.”

Oh no, it sounds like Nitro Nurse! And she must be talking to Larry.

He must have slipped into the adjacent room. Major hadn't heard a door open, but Larry is so slick. And he did say he was trying to stop her.

Poor Larry, he must have freaked out when he saw these bodies. And he probably thought that Nitro Nurse was doing something horrific with these bodies, instead of a coroner. It seems Larry had been honest with her about what he thought he saw. And maybe he did seem to care. But in trying to stop Nitro, she must have got a hold on him, and was now going to stop him ...in her usual fashion.

But why wasn't Larry talking? And why hadn't there been any noise of a struggle? Had she seen someone coming and been surprised, not knowing who it was, and knocked him unconscious?

292

She is probably waiting for him to regain consciousness. And most certainly Nitro will explode her fury upon him then.

Major inches forward so she can see through the window, yet still remain hidden. She sees Nitro, but she doesn't see Larry. She quickly scans the room. The room is much like the one she is in, with several gurneys with bodies on them. None of the bodies are Larry, but he probably had been knocked to the floor and she can't see the entire floor. She can't just stand up to look at the floor without chance being seen.

Nitro puts a large hypodermic needle on a table. As Nitro faces the table, she faces away from Major. Major uses this opportunity to stand up, but is unable to see much at all, having to duck down quickly as Nitro turns back around.

Major moves carefully to a window several feet away, to give her a better view and less chance she'll be seen. Then Major sees something that totally takes her by surprise …as if all that has happened this evening is not surprise enough. Everything has been one consecutive shock after another. But this dimension of shock brings new definition to the word 'sick'. Nitro Nurse is taking off her clothes!

But Major quickly sees it another way. With her clothes off, Nitro Nurse lies down on an empty gurney, facing away from the window. Major quickly stands up again. She is able to see part of the room she had not seen before from the other window. But, still no sign of Larry! Where is Larry?

293

Nitro Nurse continues to lie still. Maybe Larry was right about her. Maybe Nitro is one of these people who create a facade, to conceal the real person.

Strangely, Major had not even looked at her as a person before. Maybe Larry is right to feel sorry for Nitro Nurse. Perhaps Larry had looked beyond the horrible things Nitro does because he feels the horrible things she's holding inside are far more horrific. Major feels she is beginning to see a portion of what no one, but Larry had seen.

A horrific inner struggle must be going on within Nitro Nurse. And for the first time Major begins to feel sorry for her. Lying on that bed, Nitro Nurse appears almost at peace. Is this where she feels she belongs, among all these dead bodies? She is lying on a bed just like one of them.

What was it that Nitro had whispered …about everyone being the same? Perhaps the pain she'd mentioned is the pain of living. And maybe her last statement referred to allowing death to be in charge …where everyone will be the same. How very sad! The naked truth, only exposed in private …within her own private torment. How very sad!

With her hate towards Nitro Nurse quickly melting away, Major actually looks at Nitro in a new light. This new light isn't actually easier light to see for a lot of people, but for Major it is always easier to care than to hate. Looking at Nitro Nurse, so deathly still on that gurney, gives an even more compassionate feeling. Her skin is even a lot like these other bodies. They have been dead for who knows how long …yet her skin is the same deathly color.

294

And being overweight like that …it too must injure her self-image. Major tries not to think about it, but the thought comes anyway. It was one of those Spider-man comic books that Len had. Most of Spider-man's enemies had created facades around hidden inner turmoil. Major can't help but think of the one story of when Spider-man was fighting the Rhinoceros. Nitro Nurse's skin is that same putrid color, and it has that same massive ……

Major feels faint! What is happening? Nitro Nurse is pulling off that massive skin! She is shedding her …exoskeleton?

Nitro's exoskeleton lays there on the floor as she stands up straight, stretching with arms raised to the air …in her Spandex?

Nitro Nurse no longer looks like Nitro Nurse. She is still a large woman, but a much different and well-defined 'large' …with large muscles. Major has never seen such large muscles. And her muscles are glistening, obviously from perspiration developed from wearing that thick hideous exoskeleton.

Major doesn't know what to think of all this. She just takes it in …in a state of shock. It's as if she is looking at one of those All-star Wrestling videos. She hates those videos …but this brings new definition. This is not entertainment. This delves deep into the core of what is wrong.

What had gone wrong? Had all that torment, locked inside, created a monster?

Suddenly, Major ducks! The All-star Wrestler turns around. She takes a mouth-piece out of her mouth and sets it next to the hypodermic needle.

295

This mass of glistening muscle approaches a body on one of the gurneys. She stands over the body, looking down at it. The body on this gurney appears different somehow. It appears to be a different tone than the other bodies.

The sculpted muscular form flexes her muscles, challenging the elasticity of her Spandex, then reaches down to pull the body on the gurney towards her.

The body pulls away! Or is Major imagining it?

Major reasons that the body could roll back if a firm grip was not established. That could have been why there appeared to be movement. Muscles flexing and bulging to their limit, the body is raised off the gurney and into the air …way into the air, above the head of this superhuman muscle-bound specimen once known as Nitro Nurse.

Major gasps for breath, her throat tightening. Is this really happening? It seems so unreal …yet it has to be real! She's not going crazy. Or is she?

Having been around Larry so much, maybe it was just a matter of time before she'd start going crazy. Maybe her insanity begins with this hallucination. The body appears to move! But it could be from the repositioning of Nitro's grip. Major had never seen a female All-star wrestler lift someone over their head …though she had never stayed around long enough to see when those events visited the television screen. But this is not just lifting a body, this is clearly a man …a large man.

It is hard to believe this muscular physique belongs to Nitro Nurse. It doesn't seem at all like the same person.

296

The glistening muscles continue to ripple as she holds the body over her head. This is really hard to believe …this transition from Nitro Nurse to this incredible sight that even the superheroes in the comic books cannot match.

Suddenly, the body does move! Both arms are raised into the air …not likely to happen with a mere re-gripping. One arm may be raised by re-gripping beneath the shoulder, but not two arms waving to get free. The body …the person that Nitro is holding above her head …is alive!

"Oh, Larry, where are you? I need your help!" Major feels helpless. She feels the desperation. There may be a sole victor here, but not a sole victim. It is clearly an example of multiple victims with deep emotional scars …and soon to be more.

There is no utterance from the man. Nor is there any utterance from Major. Sometimes the greatest of pain cannot be heard. Sadly enough, love can be like that too sometimes. Major feels both as she witnesses the horror before her and wonders where Larry is …and why he abandoned her.

Major's insides silently scream out, "Please don't drop him! Please don't hurt him!"

Major cannot help thinking she'll suddenly see an All-star wrestling move, "Please don't slam him!"

Major is terrified! She wants to scream aloud, but she can't. She is paralyzed with fear, crouching deathly still. She continues her desperate, yet silent plea, "Please don't slam him!"

297

   XXIV.


"No! …No! Screams of terror pierce the night. Sadly, the screams are commonplace …in places throughout the earth. From Michigan, Malaysia, Madagascar, and Maine to West Virginia, Wyoming, the West Bank, Wake Island, and Washington. Wherever a breath can be taken …agony can be expressed.

Cries of fear. Cries of abandonment and confusion. Cries of a little girl in Oklahoma. She has no knowledge of what happened. Her family thought they heard a train. But there was no other clue of the tornado that hit. She is three years old. She feels hurt all over. She can barely gasp …dirt filling her throat, robbing her of any quenching of thirst. It has been days …but she doesn't know it. The first hour alone, not knowing what terrible thing happened, nor why Mommy isn't there to comfort her, seems like days. Now that it has been days, it sort of just feels like …forever.

Hope is nearly diminished, but somehow lingers on …however faint. The one single most thought remains …where is Mommy!

298

The pain of abandonment also provides that faintest bit of hope. Mommy was always in charge, comforting whatever pain had to be endured. The pain of abandonment is only experienced because of a belief …a belief that there existed a moment in her life that Mommy loved her, and was there for her.

But even that memory lingers as the doubts smother her frail little body. Death is soon to overcome her.

A trooper finds her …and locates her Mommy in a local hospital. The fears and the pain quickly disappear as they are reunited. They will both be okay.

There are those who fear to scream. Their pain is far worse.

How can anyone explain the pain to the six year old boy in Indonesia? On occasion he has been taken care of by a family member. A bit of food for a time, then abuse. The food is just enough to sustain …to sustain the anger. But anger cannot be expressed …it dare not be expressed. It would only bring on more abuse. So the screams remain within …in silence.
\
The family member disappears. Many who are caught in the horrid trap of similar circumstances, find one another. They look to survive. They look to take care of themselves. They find mutual benefit, not friendship …their feelings are guarded.

299

I am a seven year old girl in Africa. I don't have much, but I have what is most important …the gift of my Mom's love. I don't know who my dad is, but my Mom carries a love inside her that is so deep, a whole world cannot fathom to realize.

Then one day violence visits our village. All the moms fight to defend and save us children. Most of us stand by in shock and fear. Those who join the fight …fight to their death. All the moms die …and most of their children too. Or will eventually die.

The few of us children that live, having been spared by pretending to die, will have to wait for death to visit in a different way. We survive for another day.

Days pass by …living in the stench of rotting corpses …the corpses of our loved ones. And worse yet, living among the horrific memories.

No relief from the torment of such an atrocity, guilt slithers in. The plan was to wait in silence, pretending to be dead, so the injured could be helped after the violence left the village. The violence was swift and without mercy. Those who begged …died! Once the violence departed, us few survivors slowly emerged …only to find there would be no relief for the injured other than the relief that death itself provides.

Being alive seems like no consolation. With loved ones dead, the grief is inconsolable!

300

Life is near void of meaning. Though every fiber of our beings scream out from within, not a sound is uttered to release the endless anguish of this day. Breaking the silence would only beckon the return of the violence. And though part of the angry hurting soul wants to call it back, to confront it head-on with its own anger …a lesson had been learned from the stories of survivors from other villages. There is no recourse!

Anger in and of itself cannot stand against evil, as it is more often joined than defeated. It is not wise to utilize weapons forged by the enemy to defeat the enemy. It's like fighting fire with fire …which is only effective with carefully planned controlled burning.

A rather small party of different-skinned people arrive. They are from America …a place that sounds like a forest of hollies.

They bring cameras …to bring awareness, back home to their country. They promise an education and a nice home …in America. But Africa is my home. And though the awareness may bring a temporary outrage, the permanent rage still lives on inside me …of what happened to my village, to my people, and to my mom.

They identify the problem in my homeland, but evidently they can do nothing about it. They do not quell the violence. Other women like my mom …and children will suffer death. Other children will be left with the permanent scars …and live the hopeless, helpless, powerlessness. They must embrace what they have …not what they have lost.

But one fact remains. There continues to be cries of unrequited anguish. And most screams are so frequently heard, it is as if they are not heard.

301

Genny realizes there are many who have it worse than she does. Acknowledging the pain of others helps for a time, but it does not bring her peace.

She has tried so hard …no one knows how hard she's tried to have a positive attitude.

Ruth told her she was free …that she was imagining it, but the pain is not imagined. It is not as great as some, but it is real. The memories are real …of having been trapped within a marriage to an abusive husband. And she imagines that she still sees Roy. Ruth had told her that she was imagining it …that she needed to release it, but every time she felt she had, it would return to haunt her.

"My baby! …My baby!" Screams pierce the night …and the very soul.

Genny hurries to the adjacent bedroom to her daughter's side. She strokes Ruth's tangled hair to help comfort her. Ruth had only had a couple nightmares before the baby was born. Once Aleah was born, the nightmares had stopped …until a couple nights ago.

This is now the third night in a row. Ruth is undoubtedly having the same nightmare. She had told Mom that she does not understand why she is having nightmares …why she continues to dream that someone has stolen her baby.

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Genny doesn't understand it either. Ruth is always so positive about everything. She doesn't even seem like the type of girl who'd have nightmares.

“I’m sorry I woke you, Mom. I hope I didn’t wake Aleah. I dreamt something happened to her. I wish I could stop having those dreams.”

Genny tries to appear calm, “Aleah is sleeping fine. It’s you that hasn’t been getting any sleep. I know you can’t control the dreams, but try to stop worrying about her. She’s doing fine.”

Genny had been so positive and upbeat. She had been baptized in the church a few months ago on Thanksgiving weekend. By Christmas, Genny was attending a Bible study and doing much reading on her own. Ruth loved seeing Mom like this.

Ruth had planned to go back to work. Her plan was to carry Aleah papoose style. She had taken a backpack and cut holes for legs and head, with arms naturally out the side. It was a better design than anything the stores had to offer.

But Aleah is so active. She loves to crawl all over. It seems cruel to expect her to be confined for hours while Mom performs other work duties. And not too long from now, she'll be walking.

Genny convinces Ruth to stay home. She offers to work two shifts if they need the money. She loves to be able to have the opportunity to help provide her granddaughter with such a wholesome upbringing of a stay-at-home Mom.

Ruth agrees that they can make it okay with Genny only working the one shift. The three of them do not have many needs …except each other.

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Then it happened! Genny was informed just three days ago that they no longer had need of her. Genny was to work deliveries on the afternoon shift through Valentine's Day, then she would be laid-off.

Genny was doing so good, until she received this news three days ago. Now Ruth is concerned about her. Mom had quickly fallen back into some of her old routines.

It begins a gentle snow, but the forecast is for flurries for the evening before Valentine's Day. Ruth knows that Mom does not do well with driving at night, especially when it snows. "Mom, I know the way you and snow storms are, so I want you to stay home with Aleah this evening. I know the route and can probably finish the deliveries quicker than you."
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XXV.


Ruth had forgotten how busy it is just before Valentine’s Day. There seems to be no end to the list of delivery orders. It will be a miracle if she's able to deliver them all in one evening. But when it comes to the good old American dollar, miracles are not too tall an order.

Ruth prays for the evening to go well. And it does seem to be going miraculously quick. This does not surprise her. Ruth feels her organizational skills are one aspect of the many gifts God has given her.

Now there remains only one last plant to deliver. It is the only one that is out of the usual delivery area, but her boss stressed the importance of making that last delivery. And he supplied her with directions on how to get there.

As Ruth gets to the end of the directions, she sees she is entering an economically challenged area. But it is not just the upkeep of the homes that makes her feel uncomfortable. It just feels like no one is out here. Not that she'd like to see a bunch of people up at this hour …that would make her feel even more uncomfortable. It's just that perhaps at least one patrol car would be of some comfort.

The area is well-lit. Maybe this is a good area. Maybe there's a neighborhood watch …the people keeping an eye on their own area. Yet, there is something still rather strange that she can't really figure out. Somehow it seems it would be better if it were not so well-lit …it appears too well-lit.

305

Ruth quickly locates the house number. She'll make this one last delivery, then quickly return home.

Actually, this one home doesn't appear to be as bad as the ones around it. It appears to be rather well-kept. It is decorated with a definite cowboy theme …with a saddle astride the split-rail fence, a pair of bronze boots with stirrups marking the bottom of the stairs, and a cowboy hat resting upon the railing post. A typical cattle ranch motif.

The directions say to take the stairs at the side of the house to the second floor. That seems easy enough. Ruth leaves the directions on the front seat of the van as she goes to the back to retrieve the large cactus flower.

As she opens the back of the van, she sees the curiosity of the neighborhood keeping surveillance on her. As she approaches the steps at the side of the house, she glances back just once. Shadows move about and circle around her van. She wishes the police were doing as good of surveillance. She really wonders whether she'll be able to safely get out of here.

Ruth reaches the landing at the top of the stairs. A rocking chair on the landing has a holster with gun resting across its high back. The door handle is also shaped like a gun. A horseshoe is nailed above the door upside-down, pouring out its luck.

Ruth doesn't believe in luck, though she'll consider herself blessed if she gets out of here safely. A note fastened to the door instructs her to leave the plant inside the first door, within the small enclosed porch …and she intends to do so quickly.

306

Suddenly she hears, "Hey, pretty lady …those flowers for me?"

She looks to where she thinks the voice had come from. A young man …actually more like a boy, an African-American boy, is standing on top of the greenhouse van. And he is video-taping her!

Obviously an African-American neighborhood, other boys step out into view. They join the chorus, "Hey, pretty lady!"

Ruth wants to get out of here as fast as she can. She balances the large cactus plant in one arm and reaches for the door handle. The recoil causes her to jump back as the loud shot echoes through the dark night. She trips on the edge of the rocker and falls against the rail, dropping the cactus plant over the edge.

None of the boys move. They just stand there in silence. In this neighborhood it is probably not out-of-the-ordinary to hear gunfire. It probably happens several times throughout the night.

Suddenly, the boy with the video-camera hollers out, "Don't worry about the plant. Dead people don't need flowers. Unless you were bringing them for his grave."

The others join in with laughter. It was obviously a prank. Nonetheless, she is scared. They apparently have no fear and laugh at those who do.

It appears that most of them are children, but hardened children. It makes Ruth no less scared. How safe is a neighborhood that lets their children roam free at night?

307

Ruth doesn't answer. But it doesn't matter, the night answers for itself. More laughter is heard.

Ruth knows her best chance is to not show fear. She will pretend they are not there …and just walk down the stairs, ignoring their stares, and calmly proceed to pick up the cactus flower mess.

Suddenly the shadows scatter. Ruth wonders why suddenly. Then she sees why. A police car approaches.

Ruth nearly reaches the bottom of the stairs when she trips. She stumbles down the last few steps and falls to the ground. The police car stops. But Ruth doubts it is to give her assistance. They are not immediately getting out of their patrol car.

Too late for chivalry, Ruth gets up on her own. On the other hand, maybe they are about to give her a hand …with a ticket in it. Ruth doesn't know how she'd missed it before, but she is parked next to a fire hydrant.

Ruth limps a couple steps to the spot where the cactus plant had smashed. At this moment, two police officers quickly exit their car and run up.

The officers avoid asking Ruth if she is okay. Instead, one of them reaches into the pile of dirt from the cactus plant, retrieving a large plastic bag filled with some sort of white substance.

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                       XXVI.

Ruth doesn't know what is going on. She is told she's being arraigned on possession of cocaine. All the important players are here …the prosecutor, a defense attorney, the judge, a professed witness who is vaguely familiar from the greenhouse, the police, and of course …herself, the accused.

Mom would have been here, but that would have meant that Aleah would have to be too …or would be under someone else's care. Ruth didn't want either.

Bond is posted at three million dollars. The judge says the police had found her with a very large amount of cocaine.

Ruth's mind is going in so many different directions, she can't think clearly. But isn't the defense attorney supposed to say something on her behalf? On the other hand, what is he supposed to say? This whole ordeal appears bigger than the both of them. Someone with a lot of influence and power has set her up. They are not going to take the fall, so Ruth will have to.

Maybe jail would be the safest place for her right now. These people must be really dangerous. The judge must also think so …thinking she's one of these people and wanting her removed from the streets. Otherwise, this would appear to be a joke. But it couldn't be …and it certainly isn't funny.

Ruth almost laughs though, amongst her tears. She and Genny can barely make ends meet. They live paycheck to paycheck. Bond could be posted at twenty-three dollars and sixty-five cents, and she would be unable to make bail.

309

It is so confusing. Everything is just a bunch of legal jargon and she doesn't understand most of it, so she doesn't pay much attention. They'll do whatever they're going to do to her anyway. And Ruth has many other things on her mind anyway.

It isn't any less confusing for Genny. She feels bad that she couldn't be with her daughter at this time. There was a time in her life where she would have outright failed her daughter and not been there for her, but things have changed. She is a new person and is truly happy that she is being a real mom to Ruth. But Ruth had asked her to watch after Aleah and not bring her.

Though Genny is doing the very thing Ruth had asked, she still doesn't feel it is enough. There must be something more she can do. But there is only one thing she can think of …and she tries calling that number again.

310

       XXVII.

It is early afternoon. It is good to get out, having spent a sleepless night in a cold cruel cell. Someone had posted the bond. She has no idea who could have done that. She is sure that even if all the people from the church got together they couldn't come up with that kind of money in that length of time.

The news media is there to air the story, cameras rolling as Genny, Aleah, and Ruth reunite. The story is about area drugs and how the youth are getting drawn into addictions. The police and law enforcement in the area saw advantage to use the segment in their anti-drug campaign.

Rebekkah agrees to the quality of the segment, but she doesn't want it aired for obvious reasons. It is usually the case …that we don't want those close to us to be exposed. But she has no choice. She is one of the main news anchors and it is her job. In spite of her feelings, or her money and power, she will have to introduce this segment on the news this evening.

Ruth is relieved as Genny gives her report on how Aleah had been okay, but had been looking about most of the night, with certain eager anticipation of Mom's return. Aleah had not fussed. She is always such a pleasantly content girl. But her sweet little heart had been searching for Mom, while wondering where she was at.

311

Once back home, Aleah quickly falls asleep in Ruth's arms. She has such a precious love for her mommy, once again resting within her secure Mommy's arms.

Ruth places Aleah in her crib, then hugs her own mom. "I love you so much, Mom!"

"I love you too. I don't know what I'd do without you …even for a moment. Don't worry, we'll clear up this thing up. Meanwhile, I would guess you probably didn't get any more rest than I did last night. Maybe we should both try to get some rest while Aleah is asleep."

Ruth nods off for twenty minutes. Aleah has only been sleeping for thirty minutes. Ruth sits up on the edge of her bed, looking over at Aleah. Ruth doesn't ever want to rob her of that peacefulness. And she wants to be awake for the moment that Aleah first opens her eyes again. Meanwhile, Ruth has some decisions to make. Many things are troubling Ruth. There are certain uncertainties that just can't be answered. Life is that way sometimes. Much has to be generally accepted as being unanswered. It's just that specific things often seem to be less tolerable and more inconsolable.

Ruth imagines some of these things. She picks up a pen and notebook and writes down her thoughts:

Images of war. People killing. People dying. And the continued dying of the heart of those who remain. People as hard as the parched furrows of dry desert streams …where water once flowed.

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Whether nation against nation, faction against faction, individual against individual, or individual against self …it causes devastation. Yes. Tragically, that includes those who die simply because they find no direction in life.

But those who have purpose and direction, what of them? Does their purpose become what they believe it to be? And how is purpose defined?

As children, we often want our parents to define it for us. In times of war, others decide for us. We may all have an opinion of war, yet we dare not challenge that which we've accepted without challenge …or more accurately, that which has been legislated by those we've accepted to legislate for us.

Those who would consider themselves less fortunate than those around them …claiming to have not experienced that which we'd call 'good upbringing' …they may have experienced some love, but it is not consistent nor frequent enough to depend upon. Often faced with less than desirable circumstances, it becomes difficult to discern between mutual understanding and deliberate confusion.

We too are soldiers, enlisted in whatever war it is we are fighting. We sail a stormy sea of guardianship. Unmet love diverges into an ocean of possibilities, though few salvage enough amongst the ruins to survive. Oh, we survive all right, but our love suffers deep, creating permanent scars.

313

Still searching for something we may never understand, we tend to be easily swayed. We may find our entire purpose in life based upon the value another places upon us.

This is a story about all who are lost at sea …drowning in unmet expectations. To a certain extent, in spite of however horrible our past may be, we still limit our course for the future. We all have choices.

Yes, to a certain extent, we can all write our own story. Or can we? What about Harold and Hannah, recently married, so alive, volunteering to help the youth in their area, and those in the mission field? Yet, life has so many uncertainties. Harold is on the list to be drafted if our nation continues their involvement in that terrible Viet Nam war that is going on. Then what? Instead of helping the youth, Harold would be helping to contribute to tearing apart the lives and futures of many of the youth in that country. In the prime of his life, Harold could be drafted.

For that reason, I am especially thankful I have a daughter. When she becomes an adult, her husband can be taken from her …and it would be 'daddy' taken away, if they were to have children. It wouldn't be Aleah snatched away in the prime of her life. Or would she be?

314

There are so many ways life brings its cruel sting upon you. The innocence of children …so often the victims of their own history and culture in so many ways. And through circumstances they believe to be beyond their control, or often beyond their comprehension, that innocence eventually fades …and they become warring people.

The loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult things to deal with. It drains the very spirit of a person. To a youngster, it can have an even more devastating and damaging effect. And as impossible as it is for a youngster to cope after the tragic loss of a loved one by any means, it can't compare with the horror and constant fear that resides within that delicate precious mind that has to be continually exposed to violence.

I don't know why the very things that breed violence have followed me to Seattle. I don't know why this is happening, but I will not allow it to happen to my daughter, to victimize her …her entire life.

It is an outright thievery of emotions to separate a parent and child, but what of the emotions that face the onslaught of cruelty and violence?

I will do all I can to make certain Aleah has the love she deserves …that any child deserves. I have choices.

Can I actually write my own happy ending? And what of those who cannot write? What of those who cannot choose?

The choices I make are not only my own. Certain choices can drastically affect the lives of others. And realizing that is considered accepting responsibility ...the noble responsibility of a parent.

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I hope others can read this and learn from what I've painfully learned. It doesn't matter whether you think someone has failed you or whether you have failed another. Each of us must not presume we are not expected to assume our obligation to ourselves and others. Our obligation is to keep on trying, irregardless of our perceived failures.

I must try to make sense where nothing makes sense. Most every emotion of my being is against what is compelling me to act upon. But it appears I may be torn away from my child, and I must find love for my child.

Who knows, maybe Mom will be the next victim. The cycle must end. What would happen to poor Aleah if both Mom and Grandma are taken from her life? Will she face the same kind of life I once had to face …in an institution?

No, I will not have that! I will find her a place where she will find some love. It will not be my love, but it will be a secure life.

Separating from my child is unthinkable! But it is not about my thoughts and emotions. It is not about how I feel. It's about what is good for Aleah. Can I really find her a place where she will find love? Are there any guarantees that she will have a secure life?

No, is the resounding answer! And the most painful part is that I don't really know what is best. But without a doubt, I know for certain that I've got to do something!
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                XXVIII.

That evening Ruth sneaks out. She is certain she is not seen. What she sets out to do, she does in desperation, and with heightened emotion. But putting off the decision wouldn't make it any less hated ...what she feels she must do.

Now it is done! And with certainty she hates it. She is now convinced she has done the wrong thing, but it is done. There is nothing left to do now, but cry.

Ruth cries all the way home. She feels the insanity of it all. It can't be real. It has to be part of a continuing nightmare.

Even now she imagines that the police are outside her house.

No, she can't claim insanity. She knows what she has done is real, and these police cars are real.

They are trying to frame her for cocaine possession, and now they must be after Mom. Maybe she was right after all.

Genny is standing in a doorway, talking to a police officer. Ruth hurries up to give Mom a hug, and questions what is going on here.

The police officers allow this tearful exchange. Genny is the one who has the most burdensome question though, as she whispers to Ruth in a tone the officers can't hear, "What have you done with Aleah! Oh, Ruth …where is Aleah?"

One of the officers feels the hug has lasted long enough, "Sorry, Ruth, but we have to take you in on murder charges."

Without hesitation, they read her …her rights?

317

The officer nearly has to pry Ruth out of Genny's grip, locking the cold hard metal cuffs around Ruth's wrists.

Genny stands helpless beneath the porch light. The officers escort Ruth to the patrol car …and drive away.

318

                                   XXIX.


Ruth does not sleep well on her jail cell cot, though she does manage to get an hour or two of sleep. She is exhausted, having been deprived of sleep the past couple days.

Ruth awakes before the sun. She stares out of the small window of her jail cell, into the darkness. She feels the darkness stab at her heart.

Suddenly a jailer appears at her cell, startling her. She had heard of stories. Usually only the bad stories are told …she is sure there are good jailers, but usually only the bad stories are told.

This jailer appears good, though it may not be looked upon as good by those who design guidelines for the profession. This jailer allows a special delivery. He hands Ruth a notebook …the one she had been writing in at home. And he also hands her a book.

The book, entitled, Through Many Windows, is authored by Arthur Gordon. Ruth isn’t really in the mood for reading, but she is curious about this book. She hadn't asked the jailer whether it was also from Mom, or whether it was something he had decided to give her.

319

Ruth wants to get a quick idea what it's about, so she begins reading the preface of the book. There is a dream about a great stone tower surrounded by a moat. No one can get in, because the drawbridge is always raised. No one can get out either, but that is okay because the tower has four tall windows facing the outer world. And through each of the windows it is possible to see stories happening. Any story you want. Any story at all.

This seems to fit in real well with the way Ruth feels. She feels she is being held captive in a great stone tower. And other unknown people control the drawbridge. They won’t let her out and they won’t let anyone in.
Ruth notices a bookmarker in the book. She opens to that spot. The first sentence strikes her:

I wonder, sometimes, how children grow up—-or even go
through life ---dragging the chains their parents have
riveted around their ankles.

Ruth’s vision blurs. Tears well-up inside. The page slips through her fingers. She focuses on the top of the next pages:

...shaking off those inherited values,
trying to stand on his or her own feet.

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Ruth had learned to stand on her own two feet. It is something she had been forced to do early in her life. Her parents had sent her away to an institution. Ruth reads on:

If parental pressure is too strong, or if
the emerging adolescent personality is
too weak, then these deadly chains may
lock tight around the ankles and be dragged,
with smoldering resentment or hidden fury,
for years or maybe forever.

Ruth tries to come to grips with her emotions. She does not have a weak personality. She is locked up in a great stone tower …the walls are not merely emotional walls she has built.

Ruth closes the book. She looks at the cover, “Through Many Windows”. Recently she had looked through one window to the world. But there are other windows. She has to broaden her view on what is happening. She can see any story. Any story at all.

One story tells her that this cell will soon become her home. No, not her home …but merely an existence. And barely that.

Ruth doesn't understand why she is being treated like this. Why was she set up? Her life was not her own …but it soon would be. She will be going to prison after they convict her of the murder. The world inside the prison walls will be easy compared to the last couple of days outside these jail walls.

321

Ruth opens her notebook. Should she write a story of gloom and doom …one that doesn't show much hope for society? Should she write the events as she imagines they are …what has happened and what she imagines has happened? It is so confusing, she can't help imagining. She just doesn't understand. Or should she write a story slightly different than her own life?

Ruth looks at the book cover again. Can she really create her own story? Can she really believe that? She is in jail, and probably going to prison. What aspect of that has she chosen? It has been chosen for her. Someone has reversed the story. Instead of her being able to view the world through the eyes of her choice, looking out ---no one is looking out for her, they are looking in ---attempting to control her insight, destroying her from within.

Ruth thinks about that for a moment.

322

Ruth writes in her notebook:

We can write it on paper, or we can write it in our heart. It all depends on how we look to the future.
Looking around in this jail, there is not much talk. Every so often someone comes in …acting like they're crazy. But most of them are despondent.
Innocent or not, no matter, many have had a life that was much more cruel than this jail cell. The worse part is not being locked up …it is having this stigma, this judgment placed upon you.
Though on the inside we are all guilty.

But Jesus died for our sins. And though we may not know what is planned for us in this life, we have the choice to accept that which He has set aside for the future.
One day, I will be in God's presence, just like Stephen. One day, I will be in the arms of my loving Creator …and there will be no more suffering.
Meanwhile, we can create our own story. That is our choice. And it is a beautiful choice, as long as it doesn't exclude His story.
That will be my resolve …to always look to God's promises, viewing life with the proper perspective.

323
    XXX.

Ruth had been re-arraigned ...to face an added murder charge. Now, the big day has arrived where she is to face a jury. Though she isn't sure ...is it best to actually face them? It would be too tempting to stare at them, wondering how each of them could be so easily convinced of her guilt.

She tries to separate herself from her emotions as she is transported from the jail to the courthouse. She recalls how she felt as the prosecutor had presented evidence to convict her on a cocaine possession charge. Now, another mystery would be unfolding. Somehow she is being accused of not only the possession of cocaine, but also murdering someone to possess it.

Ruth desperately needs a friend right now. Mom has always filled that role as both Mom and friend, though she had too often felt she'd failed on both accounts. At times, Mom would not even want to get out of bed, but when Ruth needed her most ...love always shined through.

Ruth definitely needs that love now.  Mom had not been here the last time ...because Ruth had asked her to take care of Aleah. But, now ... Mom must be suffering unbelievable torment, wondering what her daughter had done with Aleah. Mom wouldn't understand, but she is always supportive ...and she always tries to understand. That's what Ruth needs right now ...not someone with all the answers, but one who cares unconditionally. And that certainly describes Mom.

As Ruth is escorted into the courtroom, she only glances in the direction of the jury. She quickly looks away.

Looking the other way, Ruth expects to find Mom seated ...probably beside Rebekkah.

Ruth shudders!

Mom is there …but she is sitting beside dad?!? And she is holding his hand!

324
Epilogue

Sometimes doesn’t it seem like everything just suddenly ends, when we know it shouldn’t?

Other times we wish it would end, but it just seems to drag on and on ….

This story will drag on to Book III, entitled, Do the Birds in the Wilderness, Not Heard, Stop Singing Their Songs? That will be the conclusion …sort of.

At least that was the original plan. But life does go on.

If you’ve read this far, you probably already have your own idea on how the story will end ...or should end. As the reader, you have the choice of ending this any time you want. You can also choose to create your own story. Any story at all. That is your choice also.

But if you are curious about how I ended it and you can’t bear not knowing whether and how everything works out ...then my next book should satisfy that curiosity.

Trilogy: Book I--So Loved
Book II---The Curious Whether and How
Book III——Do the Birds in the Wilderness, Not Heard, Stop Singing Their Songs?

(And I couldn't resist adding to it one more time: the most satisfying and inspiring of all of the stories is the fourth one. If I had the opportunity to publish only one book, it would be that one, my true heart's desire. I know I've said it before, but I'm fairly certain that will be the final book of this series, book IV--The Evolution of Confusion.)

Must we have both the knowledge of good & evil???

Saturday, May 12, 2018

The Curious Whether & How ...

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